Organization XIII: The Side That Never Was
by Follow-The-Firefly
Summary: In which Xemnas wonders why he even bothered trying to be the leader of twelve hyperactive Nobodies. Rated T for Teen. Formerly called Days With Organization XIII
1. The Nobodies That Never Were

**Disclaimer: Don't own KH or Organization XIII.**

**It's Mika-chan! This is my first KH crack fic. well, i gotta go shower so i can watch the new CSI. let the deadly tale begin!**

In a normal Kingdom Hearts fanfic, there is usually a story about the young Keyblade Master and his struggle to find his lover, whoever he/she/it may be. Hey, Sora could be in love with _Vivi _for all we know. He would get into a fight with said lover and then there would be one big happy ending with the sun setting in the background.

This is not one of those stories.

This, for one, is a crack fic, and my second attempt to do so, might I add. And this is _not_ about Sora, the love obsessed Keyblade Master. This is about the bad guys in the story. Organization XIII.

Organization XIII is a group of very flamboyant Nobodies who reside in the Castle That Never Was. The Castle resides in the world so poorly named The World That Never Was. Xemnas must have needed names. He probably doesn't have one ounce of creativity in that tiny brain of his. Back to the members…some have anger management issues, others have drug related issues, and some are just too clueless to notice anything. CoughDemyxcough And I, my lovely reader, will be attempting to write about their daily lives as well as I possibly can. It's going to be hard with Luxord getting stoned with Saix and Xaldin yelling at Larxene for taking his makeup.

What am I thinking?

If you haven't figured it out by now, this isn't going to be a romancy story, though there may be some pairings on the side. However, the story will not be based on said pairings. Having said this, this will not be an angst, supernatural or any other category Fanfiction offers us. This, my lovely reader, is a crack fic and will be doing my very best to describe every single bloody event of their lives. Well, if they had lives. If you don't want to read this, then go look for a story about teen romance and Axel running off to elope with Marluxia. Hey, it could happen.

Before I start this lovely tale of our favourite paranoid Nobodies, I will launch into intros, even though you should know who everyone is. If you're confusing Saix and Roxas or Larxene and Xaldin, you have serious issues, my friend.

Poor Roxas. It must be tough being the youngest in the group. And it must be even harder with Axel trying to drag him around the Castle That Never Was. Roxas is usually pulled in to stop arguments and the scapegoat for Vexen whenever an experiment has gone awry. His innocent look must have something to do with it.

Larxene is a sadist. No question about it. And I will drive my point home by mentioning that she once electrocuted Xigbar because he was talking too much. Need I say more? None of the guys really pay attention to her; they like making out with their fellow men way too much. Sometimes, Larxene will record them having sex in odd places just for the hell of it. Like Vexen's lab, for instance. Vexen's microscope was never the same again after Xigbar and Xemnas had sex on top of the lab table.

Marluxia is a plant nut. I mean, the guy attacks with flower petals! What more proof do you need? Anyway, Marluxia is crabby, often lashing out at Roxas for the slightest thing, and obsesses about his plants too much. The roof of the Castle That Never Was is filled with random flowers among Vexen's experiments. Marluxia has also filled the Graveyard That Never Was with some very odd flowers that look like roses crossbred with porcupines.

Luxord is one to talk to when you need drugs. He's tried everything, though he doesn't use everything on a regular basis. He does most of his drug dealing to Saix and sometimes Xigbar. Luxord always looses at strip poker, or poker of any kind, for that matter. Sometimes he can be seen in the Library That Never Was reading a porn magazine and smoking the occasional cigarette. Did I say occasional? I meant usual.

Demyx is an odd individual. More often than not, the Melodious Nocturne can be found in his room playing some song on his sitar, though it might not be recognizable. He hangs out with Axel and Roxas a lot and annoys Larxene to no end by setting up water clones in random places. Demyx does occasionally get drugs from Luxord, but doesn't really use them. Instead, he will give them to Xemnas, who gives them to the Heartless.

Axel…what to say about Axel? Axel is usually associated with music that one hears in strip clubs because he dances around the Castle. Frequently. He likes playing video games and it is advised not to disturb him when he is doing so. The rather large crack on the wall of the 5th floor caused by Marluxia is proof enough. Axel is always forcing Roxas to go on missions with him, though they aren't seen for hours and sometimes days after they were supposed to return. When this occurs, Axel and Roxas sneak back into their respective rooms and pretend that they were there the whole time. Needless to say that doesn't work very much. For reasons unexplained, Axel has the largest collection of yaoi known to mankind. He has a stash of his tasteful smut hidden under his bed in large boxes marked YAOI and has a hard time keeping other members from reading it. It is advised that you do not anger Axel unless you want to get burned to a crisp.

Saix is Luxord's number one drug customer. The guy is addicted to just about every drug in existence and even a few that Vexen made in his lab. That can't be good for you. Whenever the full moon is out, Saix goes crazy. Literally. When this occurs, it's not a bad idea to take refuge in Vexen's lab or Xigbar's shooting range until he's normal. Well, not Xigbar's range. A crazy Saix in a room full of guns is _not_ a good idea. Saix is known for getting stoned at very early hours of the morning and usually remaining stoned for the rest of the day.

Zexion is just plain odd. He barricades himself in his room for hours on end, sometimes joined by Lexaeus. He has read all of the dictionaries in the Castle at least 6 times. No joke. Zexion doesn't tend to say much, but when he does, he goes on for a while. During a meeting, Zexion rambled on for so long even Xemnas fell asleep. That has to be bad. Zexion is also a grammar Nazi, and maybe a regular Nazi, though has yet to be proven. Back to the grammar Nazi…if anyone in the Organization uses bad grammar, Zexion is there instantaneously and gives them a lecture on how to fix their mistake. He does not correct Axel, though. Firstly because Axel has fairly good grammar to begin with. And secondly because after Zexion finished his lecture, Axel burnt him to a crisp.

Lexaeus tries to be the toughest guy around when he is in the presence of other Organization members, but when he is alone in his room, he will whip out his laptop and start playing Arthur computer games. Lexaeus had a traumatic experience involving Vexen, Larxene and a bowl of fruit. Since the incident that will remain unmentioned, Lexaeus hasn't been "all there". But when he starts running around the Castle, do NOT give him his weapon. Unless you have a death wish and want your head chopped off.

Vexen is old. Older than the solar system. Older than the mouldy cheese sitting in the back of the fridge. Older than Xigbar, even, and he's ancient. Vexen's old, ok? Do I really need to explain it? Vexen is the mad scientist, which explains a lot of the Organization's problems. Whenever an experiment fails, Vexen calls upon Axel to torch it. Though torching the refillable propane tank was _not_ one of Vexen's better ideas. To make a long story short, the Castle That Never Was had to be rebuilt. Do I need to mention why? Vexen is just about as crabby as Marluxia and tends to obsess about his experiments, which range from making bunny slippers come to life to making pigs fly.

Xaldin is not someone you want to wake up from a nap. When this occurs, the Whirlwind Lancer will summon his 6 lances and try to stab his awakener in every inch of their body. He has a tendency to obsess over his hair, though no one can understand why. Xaldin will spend up to 5 hours in the bathroom styling his hair and comparing results, completely oblivious to the arguments from his fellow members. Xaldin probably watches the most anime in the Organization, though Roxas and Demyx aren't very far behind him.

Xigbar is not one to be around when annoyed. I'd steer clear of him too. Especially since the guy can skilfully use a gun. Sweet Shiva, no one wants a mad Xigbar. No one knows how Xigbar lost his eye, though the popular belief concocted by Demyx, Saix and Larxene involve a giant Neoshadow and pepper-spray. Axel believes that the Freelance Shooter injured himself while he was cleaning his gun. Possible, but probably didn't happen. Marluxia believes that a giant Fat Bandit spit fire in his eye and burned it out. What does Xigbar have to say about them? He has yet to comment.

And every evil organization must have a leader. Even if that leader doesn't have 2 brain cells to rub together…

I wonder if Xemnas knows that his name is often challenged to man sex? He probably doesn't, or he wouldn't have chosen it. Hence my belief that he doesn't have 2 brain cells to rub together. Xemnas probably doesn't know what he's doing, either. If he did, he'd know that Axel and Roxas regularly bang each other in the lower levels of the Castle That Never Was and that Larxene draws smiley faces on Zexion's dictionaries. Needless to say, Xemnas doesn't know jack shit.

Now for those of you who haven't died of boredom, epileptic seizures, brain aneurysms or committed suicide by means of hanging or overdose, I have the great pleasure to tell you that the story about the motley crue that is Organization XIII will be beginning shortly. Wow, that's a run-on sentence long enough to kill Luxord. Anyway, now that you have gotten this far, you _will_ review, favourite and whatever else offers you in that _tiny_ little box in the left hand corner of your screen. For those of you who are even remotely interested in this fanfiction, fear not! For I plan on updating this fairly soon. But Shiva knows how long that really is. Hell, I have other fanfictions to write too, ya know? But this interests me greatly, so I will make sure to update sometime this month. So grab your sitar and your chakram, because the good stuff is soon to come!

**it's long, i know. But is it random enough? review?**

**next chapter: Vexen's experiment and Demyx is stoned...again**


	2. Vexen's Experiment Gone Awry

**Disclaimer: I don't own KH or anything i mentioned.**

**It's Mika-chan! Sorry for the long wait. I have a bunch of fanfics to work on. I had a blast writing this. I told you I'd update this month! on with the deadly tale!**

Roxas was sleeping peacefully in his room, nice and warm underneath several blankets. Well, he _wished_ he were sleeping. A certain redhead was keeping Roxas up with his revolting snoring. Roxas turned over to find himself face-to-face with said redhead, whose peridot eyes were closed in sleep. Rolling his eyes, Roxas summoned his Keyblade and hit Axel over the head with it. Axel woke up instantaneously and looked around to see who had disturbed his sleep. He then looked over at Roxas, who was still holding his Keyblade and said, "What the hell, Roxas?"

"You were snoring." Roxas scowled.

"So you hit me with your Keyblade?" Axel furrowed his eyebrows. "I can hit you with my chakram. Hell, I could set you on fire!"

"But you won't." Roxas said with a malicious smile. "Because that would kill me. And you know how miserable you'd be without me, Axel."

"Too true." Axel said with a yawn. "What time is it?"

"Almost 10." Roxas replied.

"Slept that late, huh?" Axel said as he got out of Roxas' bed.

"You kept me up half the night." Roxas said.

"Poor you." Axel said in tones of mock concern. "You know you loved it."

"Right…" Roxas rolled his cerulean eyes.

"Let's go get breakfast." Axel said. "I feel like torched waffles."

"I don't want to know…" Roxas said as he followed Axel out of the room and up to the kitchen on the 12th floor.

When they arrived in the Kitchen That Never Was, they found Marluxia with his pink hair in hair curlers, arms crossed in front of his chest, looking very annoyed.

"What's up, Marluxia?" Axel asked as he crossed the kitchen to the freezer where he found a pack of frozen waffles.

"Xaldin is experimenting with his hair again." Marluxia said in an annoyed voice.

"How long has he been experimenting?" Roxas asked.

"Since dawn." Marluxia was not at all pleased.

"Axel, why don't you set a fire outside the bathroom door?" Roxas suggested. "He'd get out then."

"Roxas, he'd be trapped inside." Axel rolled his peridot eyes.

"Oh yeah." Roxas shrugged.

"So what are you doing here, Marly?" Axel liked to come up with nicknames for the Organization.

"Waiting." Marluxia snapped. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

"You know you look really girly with those curlers, right?" Roxas smiled as he poured a bowl of Lucky Charms and sat down at the island.

"I don't care." Marluxia said. "Xaldin needs to hurry up. I need to be at Castle Oblivion with Xemnas and Lexaeus."

"Just use Larxene's room if you need to do something with your hair." Axel said as he put a waffle in the toaster.

"She'd electrocute me." Marluxia said.

Even more proof that the Savage Nymph is a sadist. Need I say more?

"He'd better be done by now…" Marluxia stormed out of the kitchen.

"He seemed chipper." Roxas said sarcastically.

"Oh yes." Axel said.

After several minutes, an odd burning smell filled the kitchen. Roxas looked over at the toaster in a painfully slow way and saw smoke pouring out of the device.

"Axel!"

"What?"

"You're burning your waffle!"

"I like it burnt."

"But it's smoking!"

"So?"

"Axel, not everyone here is a pyro like you." Roxas said.

Axel glared at Roxas, but unplugged the toaster and waited for the smoke to subside.

"But the smoke smells so good, Roxie!" Axel complained.

"More proof that you're a pyro." Roxas said, munching on a spoonful of Lucky Charms.

"I wonder if Demyx is going to be stoned today." Axel said, changing the subject.

The previous day, Demyx had obtained a rather large quantity of drugs from Luxord and used them. The result? Demyx could be heard from the lower levels screaming that his non-existent marijuana plant was cutting it's non-existent throat. Needless to say all other members of the Organization had to deal with Demyx screaming random sentences at the top of his lungs. Said sentences range from, "Luxord's stealing the dictionary's pomegranate juice!" to "The CD player is overdosing on Tylenol!" and "Mice are revolting! Grab the peanut butter!" to "Coffee pots are plotting a war with the bed sheets against the printer ink!"

Need I point out that a stoned Demyx is not a good thing? Especially if you're Axel and Roxas and trying to get laid in Vexen's lab. Is Vexen's lab used for anything science related? Probably not.

"I honestly hope not." Roxas shook his head.

"I kinda wish Saix would go Berserk." Axel said.

Whenever Saix goes Berserk, the members of the motley crue that is Organization XIII take refuge in the nearest room, no matter who is banging who inside said room. The last time this happened (the previous day) Larxene and Marluxia somehow got trapped in the Graveyard That Never Was while Marluxia was planting flowers that looked like crossbreeds between daises and sea horses and Larxene was murdering innocent squirrels.

Is that all one sentence? –goes back and studies what I just wrote- Oh, it's two sentences! Well, that last one is long enough for Axel to burn Zexion to a crisp! Why am I obsessed with Axel burning things? I honestly have no idea!

Anyway, Larxene and Marluxia were stuck inside the Graveyard That Never Was for 4 hours. Larxene was almost ready to electrocute the pink-haired flower obsessed neophyte when Xaldin and Lexaeus came to tell them that the coast was clear and that Saix was recovering with a glass of sakè.

"I certainly hope not!" Roxas exclaimed.

"You're only mad because Xaldin and Vexen had to watch us having sex." Axel rolled his peridot eyes as he started to munch on his horrifically burnt waffle.

"Vexen's mean." Roxas whined.

"Vexie's always been a little on the paranoid side, Roxie." Axel said, munching on his waffle.

A loud shriek could be heard from the lower levels of the Castle That Never Was. And it sounded like a certain Nobody who had a certain incident with a bowl of fruit.

"What's Lexaeus doing now?" Axel rolled his peridot eyes.

The two Nobodies left the Kitchen That Never Was and walked down random floors until they found Lexaeus on the 5th floor. What they saw completely shocked them.

Lexaeus was running around the 5th floor corridor dressed in Vexen's tie-dyed lab coat and Larxene's high-heeled platform boots. In his hair were 2 pink flowers that Marluxia had crossbred with scorpions. Attached to Larxene's platform boots was a pair of pink, fuzzy bunny slippers. And they were savagely attacking the Silent Hero.

Axel and Roxas had to choke back fits of laughter. The scene before them was too much for them to handle. It took several times of them walking back to the stairway to stop laughing before they could actually confront Lexaeus with the problem.

"What's wrong, Lexaeus?" Axel asked through fits of laughter.

"Look at my feet!" Lexaeus screamed, dancing from foot to foot.

"Larxene's going to be pissed about her boots, Lexaeus." The youngest member said.

"May I ask why you have bunny slippers attacking your feet?" Axel asked.

"I have no bloody clue!" Lexaeus screamed again.

"Lexaeus!"

Ah yes. One could never say that they hadn't heard Vexen. If one was on the Roof That Never Was and Vexen was in his lab, you could still hear him. That's how loud the Chilly Academic could be.

"Vexen!" Axel yelled. "These killer bunny slippers better be an experiment!"

"Axel, do you regularly see killer bunny slippers?" Roxas pointed out.

"No." Axel said.

"Thought not." Roxas said.

Vexen appeared in the corridor, looking very annoyed.

"Lexaeus, did you take the rest of my slippers?" Vexen asked.

"Why the Shiva would I take your killer bunny slippers?" Lexaeus asked.

"Since you stole my lab coat, you might steal my experiments." Vexen said, calmly taking the bunny slippers from Lexaeus' feet and stroking them in his arm. "Where are the rest?"

"The rest?" Axel, Roxas and Lexaeus repeated as one.

"I had 13 pairs of bunny slippers that I brought to life." Vexen said.

"I have no idea." Lexaeus said.

A shriek from a Nobody that could only be Demyx rang throughout the Castle. Axel rolled his peridot eyes and grabbed Roxas by the arm, saying, "Let's go find the killer slippers."

**I laugh at Lexaeus being attacked with bunny slippers. :Laugh: review?**

**next chapter: the hunt for the killer bunny slippers begins!**


	3. Killer Slippers

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!! Anything i tell you!**

**It's Mika-chan! I had a lot of fun writing this. i love the idea of killer bunny slippers...on with the deadly tale!**

"Where do you think he is?" Axel asked Roxas as they walked around the Castle That Never Was aimlessly.

"I honestly don't know." Roxas said.

Another shriek ran throughout the ridiculously large castle. Both Nobodies looked at each other and said, "Game room." They took off, summoning their weapons as they headed for the Game Room That Never Was, located on the 4th floor, as you will find in your lovely map of the castle.

When they reached the Game Room That Never Was, Axel and Roxas found Demyx sitting on top of the TV, cringing in fear. On the floor by said TV was a pair of pink bunny slippers.

"What did you do, Demyx?" Axel rolled his eyes.

"I tried to pet it, but it attacked me!" Demyx said, hopping down from the TV.

"So summon a water clone and get rid of it." Roxas suggested.

At that moment, the slippers lunged for Axel's neck and started attacking viciously.

"God dammit!"

Now I don't know about you, but if I was attacked by a pair of bunny slippers, I'd be somewhat shocked. One, because bunny slippers are inanimate objects. And two, because why are they even moving in the first place?

Axel stabbed the slippers with his chakram, which caused them to fall to the floor. The pyro then decided that he would set them on fire, so he sent a fireball toward the killer slippers. Unfortunately, the slippers ran off and Axel's fireball hit the PlayStation, which shot up in flames.

This process occurred several times involving the Foosball table, Xaldin's ping pong table, the basketball net and one of Marluxia's computers. Roxas decided that he would try to smash the devil slippers, but he ended up smashing Luxord's poker table. Meanwhile, Demyx was screaming and running around in circles, something that annoyed everyone.

"Can't you do something productive, Demyx?" Axel asked as he threw his chakram at the slippers, but missed and hit the TV.

"I'm screaming and running around in circles." Demyx snapped. "And I'm fearing for my life, here!"

"Oh, _that's_ productive." Axel said, words dripping with sarcasm.

About 25 minutes later, the bunny slippers were torched; thus being killed, much to the relief of Demyx. The end result? The once ivory walls of the Game Room That Never Was were now charred black from Axel's flame. Marluxia was going to have a heyday about replacing his hideous walls.

"Help us find the rest." Roxas said to the Melodious Nocturne.

"Roxas, he did absolutely nothing here." Axel said. "Do you _really_ want him with the rest of them?"

After a moments thought, Roxas shook his head and said, "No, I guess not."

VIII and XIII walked out of the Game Room That Never Was and wandered aimlessly around the Castle That Never Was. They didn't feel like looking for the rest of the bunny slippers by themselves, but they couldn't really do anything about it. Axel wanted to make Vexen do the searching since the Chilly Academic had created the ferial experiments. But Roxas pointed out that because Vexen was a superior, they couldn't really order him around. And they didn't think that Vexen would really put up with it, either. Vexen didn't put up with much of anything, now that I think about it…

Anyway, Axel and Roxas decided that they would go up to the Roof That Never Was and watch the nonexistent sky. But how could they watch the sky if it was nonexistent? This lead to the discussion that the Flurry of Dancing Flames and the Key of Destiny usually held when on the Roof That Never Was: Did Xemnas know his name was challenged to mansex?

"He has to know." Roxas said. "We've been talking about it for years now."

"But Xemnas isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, Roxie." Axel said.

"But Vexen called him mansex one time." Roxas challenged.

"Marluxia was in the room making out with Xaldin." Axel shot that theory through the nonexistent roof.

Just a note about Marly: it doesn't matter who, but the Graceful Assassin will have sex with just about anyone short of Larxene. Marluxia wants sex and usually gets it from Vexen. But when Vexen is trying to bring Napoleon back from the dead or other pointless experiments, Marluxia is forced to settle for other Nobodies.

"Your point being, Axel?" the blonde looked at the redhead in a confused manner.

"Xemnas probably thought that Vexen was talking to Marly or Xaldin." Axel said confidently.

"But what about when he got his name, huh?" Roxas retorted.

"Xemnas probably didn't think about anagrams for his name, Roxie!" Axel exclaimed.

"But he could have." Roxas said. "Like your name."

"What do you mean?" Axel frowned.

"When you take out the X in Axel and rearrange the letters, you get…" Roxas paused dramatically, "Lea."

"I never thought about that." Axel said. "I usually don't go thinking of what the letters in my name could spell, Roxas."

"You have so few things to spell." Roxas said with a nod. "Marluxia and Larxene have long names, so they have plenty of options."

"Yeah, me and Saix only have three letters without the X." Axel said with a small smile.

"So what is your other's name?" Roxas asked.

"I'm not going to tell you." Axel said.

"Come on, Axel!" Roxas exclaimed.

"Roxas! Axel!"

Xaldin could be heard yelling from somewhere in the Castle That Never Was. Where that is only Zexion's dead grandmother knows. But Axel and Roxas responded to the summons and went looking for the Whirlwind Lancer.

They found Xaldin in the bathroom on the 7th floor near Luxord's room. The older man was standing in the shower, though fully cloaked, with his obsidian hair spiked in 6 different directions. A bunny slipper was lying in the shower, sliced in half.

"How did you know to call for us?" Axel asked, summoning his chakram.

"Vexen told everyone." Xaldin said, handing a piece of the slipper to Roxas and Axel respectively.

"Where's the other one?" Roxas frowned upon seeing the dismembered slipper.

"Other?" Xaldin raised his eyebrows.

"This might be a relatively new concept to you, Xaldin," Axel began. "But slippers are usually in pairs. Like any other shoe, for that matter."

Xaldin looked at Axel like the redhead had cheese coming out of his ears. Then something clicked in Xaldin's miniscule brain and went, "Ooooooooooooh!"

"So where's the other one?" Roxas repeated his question, rolling his azure eyes to the ivory ceiling.

"I have no idea." Xaldin shook his head.

"Didn't it come in with the other?" Axel frowned.

"No, VIII, it did not." Xaldin said. "Now leave. I want to finish styling my hair."

Both neophytes rolled their eyes and left. After walking out to the hallway, Axel said, "So now what?"

A loud shriek above them could be heard. And it sounded like it came from a certain violent, sadistic, masochistic, and any other –istic words you can think of, Nobody.

"We'd better go." Axel said. "You know what she can be like."

The two ventured off to the Kitchen That Never Was, where Larxene could be seen cowering behind the island.

"What's up, Larxie?" Axel asked.

"Vexen's experiment is loose." The Savage Nymph said as she stood up.

"The slippers?" Roxas assumed, summoning Oblivion and Oathkeeper.

"Yep." Larxene said as she too summoned her throwing knives.

"So why are you cowering in fear?" Axel frowned, confused by Larxene's actions.

I don't know if you know this, but Larxene doesn't take jackshit from anyone. One day, Lexaeus brought home a stray puppy that he found in Hollow Bastion. Said puppy got into Larxene's box of Lucky Charms and started to eat them. By the time Larxene found the puppy, the box was half empty. The end result? Another grave was added to the Graveyard That Never Was and Lexaeus is still grieving for said puppy. This incident occurred over a nonexistent year ago.

This being said, Larxene isn't the type of person who cowers behind kitchen islands in fear over a slipper. Well, it's Vexen's slipper and a _killer_ slipper, at that. And it's a bunny, which terrifies Larxene to no end. The reason behind said phobia is unknown.

"Because it was hiding in my bag of Doritos and it attacked me." Larxene said.

"Whatever you say, Larxene." Roxas said as he started looking around the kitchen for the slipper.

After much searching, the Nobodies found not one, but two slippers hiding on top of the fridge. Both had malicious grins on their ersatz faces and seemed to be plotting a poor Nobody's demise. Well, if the Nobody in question _could _die.

"Die, vile slippers!" Larxene shrieked, throwing a knife at each slipper.

The slippers fell limply off the fridge, landing on the ridiculously white tile floor. Larxene looked very pleased with herself. It was not long afterward that someone came into the room saying, "Find them all yet?"

The Chilly Academic himself entered, holding a shotgun in his right hand. Mental note: do not trust Vexen with a weapon………

"How many were there again?" Roxas asked.

"Just 3 pairs." Vexen said.

"Three?!" Axel and Roxas yelled as one.

"How many did I say?" Vexen frowned in confusion.

"You said there were 13!" Axel exclaimed as flames shot forth from his fingertips; a sure sign of danger.

"13 slippers or 13 pairs?" Vexen asked.

"Pairs!" Roxas snapped.

"Well, sorry about that." Vexen said.

"You'd better not be creating any more mutant objects, Vexen." Larxene hissed, grabbing Vexen by the hood of his cloak as he turned to leave.

"You can't tell me what to do!" Vexen yelled as he walked out of the Kitchen.

Larxene created a portal and stormed through it, leaving Axel and Roxas alone in the pearly white Kitchen.

"What say we have a spot of lunch?" Roxas suggested.

"When did you become British?" Axel smiled as he searched for food.

"Just now." Roxas smiled in response.

And with that, the two Nobodies ate their lunch, completely unaware of the terror that would arise later in the day.

**this next chapter is going to be a blast! i've already started writing it and i can tell it's going to be awesome. anyway, review?**

**next chapter: It's the question that has stumped humanity since the begining of time...**


	4. Chicken or Egg?

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**It's Mika-chan! I had a blast writing this chapter. really, i did. I only have a month left of school, so i'm happy. but i have lots of finals coming up...i don't think anyone reviewed the last chapter, did they? if they did and i forgot, gomen! on with the deadly tale!**

"Now you all are probably wondering why I have summoned you here today."

The entirety of Organization XIII was gathered in the Meeting Room That Never Was. Said meeting had to be stalled for several hours because Luxord was off in an unknown world. Lexaeus and Xigbar eventually found the neophyte in Atlantica getting stoned. After waiting for the effects to wear off, the two frog-marched back to the Castle That Never Was.

"We're _all_ wondering that, Superior." Zexion said, an unusual edge in his voice.

"It has come to my attention that a serious question has been left unanswered for several centuries." Xemnas said in a voice that would make a bee want to sting itself in the throat.

"And that is?" Axel asked, wanting to get the meeting over with.

"Which came first: the chicken or the egg?"

All members of the Organization save for the paranoid leader stared at said leader, mouth agape, wondering if they heard what they thought they heard.

"You mean to tell me…" Axel began sounding like he was going to murder the nearest Nobody. "That you called us here to ask us if a chicken came first?"

"That is correct." Xemnas said.

"Have you lost your fucking mind?!" Axel shouted.

"Did he ever have a mind, Axel?" Larxene asked the redhead.

"Hold your tongue, Larxene." Xemnas said.

"It's obvious, really."

All eyes fell of Demyx, who had uttered the statement above. Demyx isn't the type of person who spends any time at all in a library. That's something Zexion and Vexen do. So how would the Melodious Nocturne possibly know the answer to the above question?

"Demyx, how could _you_ possibly know the answer?" Luxord laughed.

"It's not that hard." Demyx said.

"Then what is it?" Zexion demanded.

"The chicken." Demyx said.

"But then where did the chicken come from?" Axel pointed out, sending fireballs off in the centre of the room before making them evanesce.

"It fell from the sky." Demyx said with a nod.

"Does anyone besides Demyx have a suggestion?" Xemnas asked.

"No one cares!" Larxene yelled.

"What did I tell you, Larxene?" Xemnas glared at the Savage Nymph.

"But it doesn't matter!" Marluxia exclaimed. "We don't even have any chickens in the World That Never Was."

"Your point being, Marluxia?" Saix questioned.

"How can we test to see who was right?" Marluxia asked.

"Who said anything about testing it?!" Luxord exclaimed.

"We all know by now that Vexen has a compulsive need to test out every single bloody theory that is concocted in this hellhole!" Marluxia exclaimed.

"I do not!" Vexen shouted.

"Do so, Vexie." Axel rolled his peridot, now making the flames spin in circles.

"Axel, stop making fire." Xemnas commanded.

Axel shot Xemnas a glare that could kill a Caribou with a bulldozer, but allowed the flames to evanesce.

"So how are we going to test this theory?" Xemnas asked.

"See what you've done, Marluxia?" Xigbar demanded. "Now we have to test it!"

"We were going to anyway, Xigbar, and you know it." Marluxia snapped.

"I don't think we can test it." Roxas pointed out.

"And why can't we?" Lexaeus asked the youngest member.

"We'd have to go back to the beginning of time for that." Roxas said. "And I don't think we need another episode of the time machine."

A few non-existent weeks prior to the start of this story, Vexen had attempted to create a time machine. It had been successful at first; the Chilly Academic had managed to turn back time for a few hours. But when he attempted to demonstrate his illustrious machine to the Organization, Vexen accidentally brought them back to the time of dinosaurs. While everyone else was running away from T. Rexes, Demyx was having the time of his non-existent life playing with Brontosaurs. It had taken the Chilly Academic a good 3 hours to send all 13 Nobodies back to the World That Never Was. Although I would have rather stayed behind and played with the dinosaurs if I were them. That castle looks dreadfully boring. I wonder whom I'd complain to about that…

"Obviously not." Xaldin rolled his eyes.

"Zexion, have you found anything in your research?" Luxord questioned.

"My research of what?" Zexion raised his eyebrows.

"Of which came first, you wing nut!" Luxord snapped.

"Wing nut?" Axel smirked.

"Luxord aside…" Xemnas sighed. "Did you find anything, Zexion?"

"I wasn't aware that I was supposed to be looking." Zexion said, shifting his silver hair out of his eyes.

"I can look!" Demyx exclaimed.

"No!" every single Nobody shouted.

Demyx slouched a bit in his ridiculously large chair. Obviously his fellow Organization members still remembered the catastrophic events of the last time the Melodious Nocturne last entered the Library That Never Was.

Several non-existent months ago, Lexaeus had asked Demyx to retrieve a book on topiary. Why Lexaeus needed a book on topiary is unknown, since the Silent Hero certainly had no need for such books. In any case, Demyx skipped up to the Library That Never Was. While he was searching, Demyx accidentally tripped over a candle that Axel was reading by on the floor. Axel likes to read on the floor. Only his dead grandmother knows why…That aside, the whole of the Library went up in flames. Demyx was running around in circles, doing absolutely nothing to put the fire out. And Axel obviously couldn't use his element. That would only make it worse. In the end, the whole Library was burned and Zexion was mourning for several non-existent weeks.

"That wasn't my fault!" Demyx exclaimed.

"You didn't see Axel laying on the floor?" Larxene raised her eyebrows.

"No!" Demyx exclaimed.

"How could you miss him?" Xigbar wanted to know. "He's no pipsqueak."

"Thanks, Xigbar." Axel's peridot eyes became slits as he glared at the much older man.

"I only meant, Axel, that you aren't so small that one could not see you." Xigbar clarified.

"Someone besides Demyx look." Saix suggested.

"Why in the name of Shiva does it matter?" Larxene wanted to know.

"A good point, Larxene." Vexen nodded agreement. "Superior, does this effect us in any way?"

"I'd like to know the answer." Xemnas said.

"In other words no." Axel said with a smile.

"That's it!" Larxene exclaimed, jumping down from her seat. "I'm leaving."

"Same." Axel imitated the Savage Nymph, dragging Roxas with him.

"I guess I'm leaving too." Roxas said as Axel dragged him out of the Meeting Room That Never Was.

One by one, the Organization filed out of the room with only Xemnas remaining in his seat. A rather sad look fell across his face as he said, "But I want to know…"

**Demyx is halarious, isn't he? review?**

**next chapter: i don't think this is what they had in mind when they came up with the 7 Deadly Sins...**


	5. Seven Deadly Organizations

**Disclaimer: I only own Zexion's sins.**

**It's Mika-chan! why do i always start out start out like that? ah well. the ending of this chapter is very amusing, if I do say so myself. on with the deadly tale!**

"Hey, you know what we should do?"

Zexion and Lexaeus were relaxing in the Lounge That Never Was on the 9th floor. The Silent Hero was crocheting a lampshade on a flamboyant aquamarine sofa whilst the Cloaked Schemer was lying on his stomach on the ivory carpet, reading the T volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

"Go get stoned?" Lexaeus asked.

"No."

"Have Axel set Xigbar's hair on fire?"

"No."

"Perform all of Shakespeare's plays in under 30 seconds?"

"Sounds fun, but no."

"Invade Madrid with-"

"Can I answer, Lexaeus?" Zexion asked acidly.

Instantaneously, the Silent Hero became just that: silent.

"We should create our own deadly sins." Zexion said with a rare smile.

"Why?" Lexaeus frowned as he set his crocheting on the couch beside him.

"I need something to do." Zexion replied.

"So how are we going to come up with all of these sins, Zexy?" Lexaeus asked.

"Do you even know what I'm talking about?" Zexion stared at the muscular Nobody.

"I think so…" Lexaeus said slowly.

"I am referring to the 7 Deadly Sins. You know, Lust, Wrath, Vanity…" Zexion shook his head in a sad manner.

"Oh!" Lexaeus exclaimed. "I get it now!"

"So let's ask people what they think the sins would be." Zexion said, standing up with his precious book underneath his arm.

"You go." Lexaeus said. "I'm going to polish my weapon."

"Don't get yourself hurt again." Zexion said. "You don't want Vexen to stitch you back up, do you?"

"Got it." Lexaeus said.

The Cloaked Schemer left the Lounge That Never Was and headed off to find some Nobodies. He knew that Xemnas was off in Space Paranoids, so he wouldn't be around to bother him. But Zexion still had to worry about the other 11 members of the Organization.

He walked into the Game Room That Never Was to find Xaldin and Saix playing ping-pong. Xaldin isn't good at sports, mind you. He plays soccer with his hands and football with his feet. A mistake easy to make, but when you've been told the difference at least 70 times and even tackled into submission by Lexaeus, Axel and Luxord, you'd think he'd know the difference.

"What's up, Zexy?" Saix asked cheerfully as he sent the ball flying towards the Whirlwind Lancer.

"What have I told you about Zexy, Saix?" Zexion glared at the Luna Diviner with azure eyes.

"But Lexaeus can call you Zexy." Xaldin pointed out.

And Xaldin had a point. Lexaeus was the only Nobody that Zexion allow to refer to the latter as Zexy.

"Forget about Lexaeus, ok?" Zexion sighed.

"What do you want?" Saix asked.

"I'm going to create our own deadly sins." Zexion said. "Do you guys want to contribute?"

"Nope." Xaldin said.

"Let me put it this way…" Zexion said. "It's mandatory."

"Why do we have to do this?" Saix demanded.

"I need something to do. I'm trying to get 13, one for each member." Zexion said. "So what are yours?"

"I'll submit Immortality." Saix said, swinging the paddle around in a circle.

"Then I'll get laziness." Xaldin said.

"That's already one, dumbass." Zexion rolled his eyes.

"Then adultery." Xaldin said.

"Got 'em." Zexion said after writing the words down. "Thanks guys."

The Cloaked Schemer walked up to the Roof That Never Was in search of Marluxia and/or Vexen. Instead, the Nobody found Axel and Roxas watching the non-existent clouds in the non-existent sky.

"What's up, Zexion?" Axel asked.

"Name a sin that you would want in a list." Zexion commanded.

"Why?" Roxas frowned, his azure eyes confused.

"Because I'm making a list of our 13 sins." Zexion said proudly. "Everyone must submit one."

"Been hitting the books a bit hard, Zexion?" Axel grinned.

"Just give me one already." The Cloaked Schemer rolled his eyes.

"Deceit." Axel said.

"A bit dark, ne?" Zexion said, writing the word down.

"Just write the damn word down." Axel glared his superior Nobody.

"Roxas?" Zexion turned to the Key of Destiny next.

"Hypocrisy." Roxas said.

"Ok. Thanks for the words." Zexion said.

And he left the Roof in search of more members to question.

* * *

The next day, a meeting was called to order, though no one knew what the meeting was about. No one really paid attention. Not in Luxord's opinion, anyway. As the Gambler of Fate looked around the Meeting Room That Never Was, he saw the expressions of his fellow Nobodies. And looking at the expressions of said Nobodies amused Luxord greatly.

Demyx was fidgeting in his seat, obviously wanting to be anywhere but the Meeting Room That Never Was. Larxene was glaring at Xemnas with murderous intent whilst Marluxia was staring at the ceiling, a blank look taking over his eyes. Xaldin was braiding a strand of his hair, Roxas was drumming his fingers on the edge of his seat and Xigbar was tossing a bullet up in the air for the hell of it. Axel was sending flames in the middle of the room and making them dance around before dissipating. Zexion was trying to read a book that was most likely the F volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica. Saix was asleep. Again. Vexen was writing experiment ideas furiously on a sheet of paper. Lexaeus was crocheting his lampshade and Xemnas, the paranoid leader, was droning on and on about Kingdom Hearts.

Luxord was forced to pay attention when Xemnas said, "Zexion, would you like to describe what you have concocted?"

"I don't know if that's the right word, Superior." Zexion said with a frown.

"Just get on with it!" Axel, Larxene, Saix and Xaldin yelled simultaneously.

The Cloaked Schemer cleared his non-existent throat before continuing.

"As I'm sure you all know, I have made our own list of Deadly Sins." He began.

"No, I had no idea." Larxene's words dripped with sarcasm.

"Hold your tongue, Larxene." Xemnas commanded.

"These sins include deceit, adultery, immortality, hypocrisy, lies, vengeance, rape, destruction, blasphemy, desolation, chaos, melancholia and debauchery." Zexion finished.

As one, all the mouths of the Nobodies dropped, wondering if they had heard the words Zexion spoke so loudly correctly. Then, all at once, Organization XIII, save for Zexion, started yelling and the loudness level went off the decibel scale.

"Lies is the same thing as deceit!"

"Melancholia isn't a word!"

"Who said debauchery?!"

"Why is immortality even on the list?!"

Xemnas raised his hand in the air, which silenced the rambunctious Nobodies, and spoke.

"Let us allow Zexion to speak."

"Thank you, Superior." Zexion sighed.

"Hurry up, Zexion." Larxene hissed, summoning her daggers.

"Deceit is not the same as lies, melancholia _is_ a word, immortality is on the list because whoever submitted it felt that it was a sin, and Marluxia said debauchery." Zexion finished.

"Why was this list even created?!" Axel exclaimed.

"Because I was bored, VIII." Zexion said.

"Isn't that obvious." Lexaeus said.

"So what are we going to do with the list now that we have concocted such a heinous thing?" Xigbar wanted to know.

"Post it on each floor and the front doors of the Castle." Zexion nodded.

"That's like saying 'Hey! Organization XIII lives here! Come on in!'" Saix exclaimed.

"Saix, no one comes here anyway." Axel told the Luna Diviner.

"Gee, I wonder why?" Larxene said in tones of mock confusion.

"What did I tell you, Larxene?" Xemnas glared at the Savage Nymph.

"You never yell at anyone else besides me!" Larxene snapped.

"Not true!" Xemnas said.

"Oh really?" Luxord raised his eyebrows. "If I may ask, Superior, whom did you reprimand besides Larxene?"

"I yelled at Axel for setting the Pool on fire." Xemnas said.

"He set the pool on fire?" Luxord gazed sceptically at the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Axel, just _how_ did you set the Pool That Never Was on fire?" Zexion asked.

"I dumped 4 gallons of oil on it and sent a fireball into it." Axel grinned maliciously. "It was great."

"Wait!" Vexen yelled. "_My_ oil?"

"Maybe." Axel shrugged.

"Damn you, Axel." Vexen cursed.

"Thanks, Vexie." Axel smiled.

"I am ending this meeting." Xemnas said, summoning a portal and walking through it.

The other members followed suite and soon only the Flurry of Dancing Flames and the Key of Destiny were remaining.

"So what now?" Roxas asked.

After a moment's thought, a smile crept onto Axel's face.

"I don't like that look, Axel." Roxas said. "What are you planning?"

"Tomorrow," Axel said, "we tell Xemnas about mansex."

**between Axel setting the Pool on fire adn debauchery being a sin, this was great. reviews make Luxord win at strip-poker!**

**next chapter: the explination of mansex**


	6. Mansex

**Disclaimer: I don't own KH.**

**It's Mika-chan! I hope everyone knows that this has no real plot to it. I'm just writing a bunch of stuff that i think would work for Organization XIII. It's easier than posting a million oneshots, right? on with the deadly tale!**

When Axel awoke the next non-existent morning, the Flurry of Dancing Flames remembered what the mission of the non-existent day was: to tell Xemnas about mansex. The leader of Organization XIII probably wouldn't believe the fact that his name was in fact an anagram of the lewd word, but the pyro couldn't say he hadn't tried. But in order to tell Xemnas of his name, Axel needed Roxas. Getting out of bed, Axel left his room and walked down the hall and into the Key of Destiny's room.

Roxas was asleep in his bed, the usually cerulean eyes closed. Well, duh. He's asleep. Anyway, Axel pulled his iPod out of his pocket, stuck the headphones in Roxas' ears, turned the volume up full and played _Lies Buried With Vengeance_ by Dir en Grey. Roxas screamed like mutant tree-frogs were taking over Manhattan and sat bolt upright, headphones falling out of his non-existent ears. He glared at the Flurry of Dancing Flames, who was laughing quite hysterically.

"What the hell, Axel?!" Roxas demanded.

"Payback for the Keyblade." Axel said with a grin.

"I'd prefer you shake me awake next time." Roxas said, shooting another glare at the pyro before getting out of bed. "So what do you want, anyway?"

"Mansex." Axel said.

"I am not having sex with you so early in the morning, Axel." Roxas rolled his eyes.

"Xemnas, you idiot!" Axel exclaimed.

"Oh, right." Roxas said, remembering the plan of the previous non-existent day. "So how are we going to do it?"

"I was think we should wait for him to get back from his mission in Space Paranoids." Axel said. "Then we confront him in the Gym That Never Was."

"We have a gym?" the blonde frowned.

"How do you think we stay in shape, Roxie?" Axel asked.

"I dunno…" Roxas shook his head.

"Well, we'll tell him there." Axel said.

"So he can hit us over the head with weights?" Roxas asked, a definite sense of panic in his voice.

"Eh? Then how about the Kitchen That Never Was?" Axel suggested.

"Kitchen knives."

"Lounge?"

"Couches."

"Library?"

"He could throw a computer at us."

"The roof, then?!" Axel exclaimed.

"He could throw _us_ off." Roxas said.

"Then we'll tell him in a hallway!" Axel rolled his eyes as he followed the blonde out of his room and up to the Kitchen That Never Was.

"That sounds like a plan." Roxas said.

"You're so annoying sometimes, Roxas." Axel sighed.

"Not like you." Roxas shot back at the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"So what's for breakfast?" Axel asked.

"Not burnt waffles." Roxas said at once.

"I like burnt waffles." Axel whined.

"I don't care, Axel." Roxas said.

The sounds of screams could be heard from the lower levels followed by voices that could only belong to the Savage Nymph and the Melodious Nocturne.

"Demyx!"

"I didn't set them up! I swear!"

"You're the only one who can make water clones, Demyx. Don't mess with me. Especially when I can electrocute you to the point of no return!"

As if we needed any more proof that the Savage Nymph is a sadist. I feel sorry for everyone else in the Organization. I would _not_ want to deal with Larxene for an extended period of time. I wonder how they stay sane…of keep their usual mental status.

"Do you think we should go find them?" Axel asked the blonde.

"I guess." Roxas said, grabbing a breakfast bar and following the pyro out of the room.

The neophytes found Demyx and Larxene in the 7th floor corridor. Apparently, the Melodious Nocturne had been practicing creating water clones and Larxene walked through one, short-circuiting slightly. If one had never watched Larxene short-circuit before, they would assume that she was making the lightning come out of her body. Well, that's what Luxord thought, but that doesn't really count since he was stoned at the time.

"What now, Larxene?" Axel asked wearily, spinning chakram in hand.

"Demyx set up a water clone and I walked into it." Larxene snapped, hands on her hips.

"Isn't that your fault?" Roxas frowned.

Lightning sparked in Larxene's eyes. I'd say fire, but fire is not her element. That would be Axel. So instead, the Savage Nymph has lightning. Hey, she could have daggers in her eyes, and I'm sure _that_ wouldn't be a pleasant experience.

"It's Demyx's fault for setting them up in the hallway." Larxene hissed angrily.

"We have this argument every day. Why don't you two work something out?" Axel asked.

"Have him tortured before a violent execution." Larxene said simply.

"Larxene!" Demyx exclaimed. "Do you really hate me that much?"

"When you make me short-circuit every day, I'd say yes!" Larxene snapped.

The sadistic Nobody created a portal and stormed through it, probably going to Wonderland to torture innocent chipmunks.

With that, Axel and Roxas left Demyx standing in the Hallway That Never Was. Okay…so that's not its real name. But it sounds kinda nice, ne?

VII and XIII walked off to the kitchen to finish their non-existent breakfast and who did they find? Xemnas, of course! The leader of the motley crue that is Organization XIII was eating a blueberry muffin at the island, reading the _Nobody Times_. That, my friends, is something I came up with, but hey, I needed something.

"What's up, Superior?" Axel said.

I don't know if you've noticed, but Axel never calls Xemnas by his real name to his face. He'll say Xemnas when in the presence of other Nobodies, but he refers to the leader of the Organization by his name when in the presence of said leader. There is also a rumour that Axel calls Xemnas mansex, but that has yet to be proven.

"I'm eating breakfast, Axel." Xemnas said. "We might have a meeting today."

Both neophytes groaned. As you've seen in previous chapters, meetings are the most boring part of the day. Every single Nobody would rather listen to Demyx sing than suffer through a meeting. Well, Demyx would disagree. He thinks he can sing well, though his singing of _Sweet Home Alabama_ shattered the windows on the 12th floor.

"Superior, I need to talk to you about something." Axel said. "And Roxas does too."

"Don't drag me into this, Axel." Roxas said quickly.

"Have you two been having sex under the couch again?" Xemnas looked at the two Nobodies.

"Yes, but that's not it." Roxas said.

"Superior, do you know what your name is an anagram of?" Axel began.

"With or without the X?" Xemnas asked, taking a bit of his muffin.

"With." Roxas and Axel replied.

"I have no idea." Xemnas answered.

At this point, I'm _really_ starting to wonder if Xemnas is sane. How do you _not_ know that your name is an anagram of mansex?! That's just not possible. But Xemnas isn't the brightest Nobody in the world, which makes me wonder how in hell Xemnas is the leader of Organization XIII.

"Superior, it's an anagram of mansex." Roxas said meekly.

Xemnas stared at Axel and Roxas in horror momentarily before saying, "No it's not."

"Yes, it is." Axel said, whipping out a piece of paper and a pen.

"What are you doing?" Roxas asked his lover.

"Superior, watch this." Axel said.

"What are you going to do?" Xemnas demanded.

"Just watch me." Axel said.

The pyro wrote down XEMNAS. Then underneath, he wrote M and crossed the M in XEMNAS out. After doing this with the other letters, the Flurry of Dancing Flames successfully proved his point. Xemnas, however, still did not believe it.

"That can't be right! Zexion!"

Both Axel and Roxas frowned. Why in the world was Xemnas calling for the Cloaked Schemer? But as they turned around, the neophytes found Zexion walking in to the kitchen.

"Oh, hey." He said somewhat cheerfully. "I just got back from my Grammar Nazi meeting and-"

"Zexion," Xemnas interrupted, "is my name an anagram of mansex?"

"Yeah." Zexion nodded.

"I don't believe it." Xemnas said, grabbing his muffin and exiting the Kitchen That Never Was, leaving VI, XIII and VIII alone.

"Why did you tell him?" Zexion demanded as he grabbed a muffin from the cupboard.

"Because he still doesn't know." Roxas said.

"This was Axel's idea, huh?" Zexion bit into his muffin, which happened to be coconut, by the way.

"How'd you know?" Axel smiled.

"Lucky guess." Zexion rolled his eyes and departed.

"Now what?" Roxas wanted to know.

"Let's go play some _Guitar Hero_." Axel said.

And that, my friends, is how the horrors of mansex came to a non-existent close. I say non-existent because I may be using mansex later on. I look forward to writing the next chapter, though it will not deal with mansex in the slightest. So I close with the wishes of a happy June 2nd, whatever happened on June 2nd is beyond me.

**and he still doesn't get it...review?**

**next chapter: who is they?**


	7. The Question of They

**Disclaiemer: I don't own anything mentioned.**

**It's Mika-chan! I was having this argument with my sister, so i decided to make it a chapter for this story! it's interesting, to say the least. on with the deadly tale!**

A few non-existent weeks later, Axel, Demyx and Roxas were playing BS in the Game Room That Never Was. Maybe I should say attempting to play BS. The Melodious Nocturne was putting unbelievable amounts of cards down. 14, for instance. True, the sitarist did have a ridiculously large pile of cards in his hand, but really now. 14 cards? That's not possible. But, then again, this is Demyx and he makes up the rules as he goes. Like the rule in chess about how a bishop can shoot lasers across the board? That would be Demyx.

"You know what I was just thinking?" the Melodious Nocturne asked the other two.

"Lot's of things." Roxas said. "Hopefully…"

"Does this have anything to do with duct tape?" Axel wanted to know before he heard Demyx's ludicrous idea.

"No." Demyx shook his head.

"Printer ink?"

"No."

"Garbage cans?"

"No."

"Gay porn?"

"No."

"Straight porn?"

"No."

"Xaldin with his hair-"

"Not the point, Axel!" Demyx exclaimed.

"What is it, then?" the Flurry of Dancing Flames rolled his eyes.

"Who are they?" Demy wanted to know.

"You've either been hanging out with Xemnas too much or Vexen has brainwashed you again." Axel shook his head whilst staring at IX in slight horror.

"What do you mean, Demyx?" Roxas asked, trying to figure out what the Melodious Nocturne was talking about.

"You know how they always say stuff?" Demyx began.

"Yeah. What about it?" Axel asked as he set his cards down, realizing that the game at hand was all but abandoned.

"Well, who are they?" Demyx exclaimed.

"Killer psychopaths out for revenge for their dead muffins." Axel fired off.

"Axel, muffins aren't even alive to begin with." Roxas pointed out.

"Oh yeah." Axel frowned. "Then what do you think, Roxie?"

"I was thinking that they are mutant nomads who are set on world domination." Roxas shrugged.

"What were you thinking, Demyx?" Axel faced the Melodious Nocturne, who was attempting to make a house of cards.

"I was thinking that they are puppies." Demyx said.

Demyx can be somewhat intelligent when he wants to be. This, however, doesn't happen very often. Yet, somehow, the idea that the concept of 'they' are puppies shouldn't have shocked Axel and Roxas. Somehow, it did just that.

"Are you sane at all, Demyx?" Axel asked.

"It could be, Axel." Roxas said.

"How in hell can that be right?" Axel demanded as he snapped his fingers, thus setting Demyx's house of cards on fire.

"Hey!" Demyx yelped and used his water element to put out the inferno, so to speak.

"Then let's ask the others what they think." Roxas said. "The opinions of three people aren't very much."

"As long as Xemnas doesn't call a meeting." Axel sighed.

Somehow, as soon as Axel said that, Xemnas decided to call a meeting on that very same topic. As I have undoubtedly explained, Xemnas doesn't have two brain cells to rub together and, in my personal belief, that he is the next random Nobody when compared to Demyx.

As the result, all 13 Nobodies were gathered in the Meeting Room That Never Was, bored out of their minds, as usual. Well, Demyx wasn't. He was entertaining himself by making his water fight with Axel's fire, even though the Flurry of Dancing Flames wasn't paying much attention to Xemnas' lecture or the fire/water fight with the Melodious Nocturne.

All in all, the meeting consisted of more ramblings from a certain Nobody whose name is an anagram of mansex about Kingdom Hearts. It was only when the meeting was about to be concluded five hours later that the original topic was brought up.

"So," Xemnas was saying, "who has any idea who they are?"

As one, the rest of Organization XIII looked at their fellow members, wondering if Xemnas had broken into Vexen's supply of laughing gas. I wouldn't know the effects of laughing gas, but according to everyone I know, it doesn't make you laugh.

In any case, the first Nobody to speak was (drum roll please!) Larxene.

"Why in the name of all that is holy does it matter?!"

"Because the idiotic Nobody that is Demyx wanted to know!" Luxord exclaimed.

"Demyx…" the Savage Nymph rounded off on the Melodious Nocturne.

"I was just curious!" Demyx yelped.

"Then why do we have to figure it out?" Larxene hissed.

"Don't ask, Larxene." Saix said. "We're better off not knowing."

"Any ideas?" Xemnas asked.

"You're kidding, right?" Xigbar looked at the leader of Organization XIII in horror.

"No, I'm not." Xemnas said with all due seriousness.

"I think they're psychopathic killers out for revenge for their dead muffins, but apparently _that_ won't work." Axel said as he shot a glare towards his blue-eyed lover.

"Muffins can't die, Axel." Roxas rolled his orbs to the ivory ceiling.

"I think they're pirates!" Luxord exclaimed out of the blue.

"Really, Luxord?" Marluxia asked as the other Nobodies stared at the Gambler of Fate.

"Have you been getting into my chemicals again?" Vexen demanded.

"No, but Axel has." Luxord said nonchalantly.

"Axel!" Vexen yelled.

"Yes, Vexen?" Axel asked warily.

"Why did you take my chemicals?" Vexen demanded.

"You don't even know what I took." Axel pointed out.

"What did you take?" Marluxia asked, knowing that he would hear the worst from Vexen anyway.

"The gasoline and the motor oil." Axel answered.

"_Axel_!" Vexen shrieked.

"Just shut up already!" Zexion yelled.

"Everyone shut up!" Xemnas roared over the noise, which is a statement to boast about since the noise level was so loud that the deaf in Montreal could hear.

Instantaneously, all fell silent in the Meeting Room That Never Was. The only sound that could be heard was coming from the direction of the Silent Hero. Lexaeus was crocheting his lampshade and the needles were clacking against each other and in the silence in the room, said tiny sound was amplified to seem like elephants were taking over London streets at three in the morning.

This problem was solved, however, when Zexion shot a glare at Lexaeus that could kill a kangaroo. The Silent Hero ceased his crocheting process and all fell silent. Finally.

"Does anyone have an _intelligent _thought?" Xemnas said.

"I have a question, actually, Superior." Saix raised his hand timidly.

"We are not in the first grade, Saix." Marluxia said. "You don't need to raise your hand."

The Luna Diviner glared at the Graceful Assassin and continued.

"Why does it matter?"

"Exactly what I wanted to know!" Larxene exclaimed.

"You always question the authority, Larxene." Xigbar said. "You and Axel both."

"Do not!" VIII and XII protested.

"Yes, you do." Zexion said as he turned a page in his dictionary.

"That doesn't matter, does it?" Vexen asked curtly.

"We do _not_ question the authority, Vexen." Larxene said angrily, summoning her daggers. "Axel might…"

"Larxene, are you _really _in a mood to burn to a crisp today?" Axel said as he snapped his fingers and allowed sparks to fly from his fingertips.

"Axel, Larxene, if you're going to fight, do it later." Xemnas commanded.

At the command of Xemnas, the Savage Nymph and the Flurry of Dancing Flames fell silent.

"I think they might be the Mafia." Lexaeus suggested.

"How would you know?" Luxord sneered at the Silent Hero.

"Just a thought." Lexaeus shrugged.

"Vampires!" Axel shouted randomly.

"What about them?" Roxas asked, unfazed by his lover's slight randomness.

"They could be vampires!" Axel shouted.

"Vampires don't exist." Vexen said.

"Yes, they do." Axel glared at the Chilly Academic with hatred in his eyes.

"We don't even have vampires in this world, Axel." Xaldin said.

"We don't have anything in this world, actually." Zexion said, turning yet another page.

"Then why are we even bothering?!" Marluxia exclaimed.

"Because I want to know!" Demyx shouted over all the noise.

"What brought this on, anyway, Demyx?" Xigbar asked.

"I was watching TV." Demyx said simply.

"That's it?" Marluxia, Axel, Saix and Xemnas questioned.

"Yeah." Demyx said.

"Superior, can we kill him?" Luxord asked in all due seriousness.

"Of course not." Xemnas said.

"Yeah, then we'd have to change the name." Larxene quipped.

"The name of what?" Saix asked.

"The organization, you dolt!" Luxord snapped.

"What would we be, then?" Saix isn't exactly on top of things.

"We'd be Organization XII." Axel said nonchalantly.

"Heaven forbid we change the name." Marluxia rolled his eyes.

"All right, the meeting is over." Xemnas said, much to the relief of the other Nobodies.

As they left, Vexen thought of an idea, an idea that he had thought of when he heard a conversation between Zexion and Marluxia. After thinking for a few moments, the Chilly Academic discovered that this idea just might work. As soon as he left the Meeting Room That Never Was, Vexen raced down to his lab, eager to conduct the experiment of a non-existent lifetime.

**I'd LOVE to see this happen. review?**

**next chapter: you will never bathe the same again. And it's not as dirty as it sounds. **


	8. Tomato Shampoo

**Disclaimer: I only own Vexen's experiment. **

**It's Mika-chan! I get the feeling that no one likes this story anymore. Am I writing this for anyone? well, let me know...on with the deadly tale!**

After racing down to his lab, Vexen wondered what scent his experiment should be. You might be wondering what I am talking about, so I shall explain.

While he was suffering through the meeting, Vexen began to wonder why shower products were always fruit scented. And cucumber melon didn't count. That included melon, which is a fruit, is it not? Yes, it is. So the Chilly Academic decided that he would make some vegetable scented shower products.

So Vexen sat at his lab table, a list of all the vegetables in the world before him, wondering what he should create. Then it hit him.

Tomato shampoo.

It was perfect! Not only would it explain why Axel's hair was a very unnatural shade of red, but it would also make his hair smell like tomatoes. Obviously if it was tomato scented shampoo. True, it wouldn't explain why the Flurry of Dancing Flames' hair was gravity defying, but it didn't matter to Vexen.

So Vexen started gathered the basic ingredients for shampoo and mixed them all together. Then he extracted tomato juice from a tomato that had somehow appeared on the lab table. After adding the tomato juice to the shampoo, the Chilly Academic mixed the concoction together until the desired product was created.

* * *

"I have a bad feeling about feeling about today."

Zexion, Marluxia, Xigbar and Lexaeus were playing Chinese Checkers on the Roof That Never Was. Zexion, tired of waiting for the Silent Hero to make his move, was reading a Polish-English dictionary.

"You usually do, but what about in particular this time?" Xigbar asked the silver-haired Nobody.

"I sense that something is going to go wrong today." Zexion said, putting down the Polish-English dictionary and obtaining the guidebook to the Grammar Nazis.

"Wrong like Axel is going to burn down the Castle?" Lexaeus asked, still surveying the game board.

"No, like Vexen's coming up with an experiment." Zexion said as he sent a glare toward the Graceful Assassin.

"Why are you glaring at me?" Marluxia demanded.

"Because he's _your _lover." Xigbar said.

"So?" Marluxia wanted to know.

"You should be able to control him." Zexion said.

"I don't think anyone can control Vexen." Lexaeus shook his head.

"Xaldin does a pretty good job." Xigbar noted.

"Where _is_ Xaldin?" Marluxia asked.

"He's watching _Black Cat_ in his room." Lexaeus replied.

"He watches too much anime." Zexion shook his head sadly. "Hurry up and move, Lexaeus!"

"I'm thinking!" Lexaeus shouted in reply.

"That's a surprise."

Axel and Roxas walked into onto the Roof That Never Was, arms linked.

"You guys haven't seen Vexen, have you?" Xigbar asked.

"I think he was in the lab." Roxas said. "Why?"

"It's true!" Zexion cried in dismay.

"What is?" Axel frowned.

"Zexy has a feeling that something's going to go wrong today." Marluxia supplied.

"What have I said about Zexy?" the Cloaked Schemer glared at the Graceful Assassin.

"Hey, you don't want to know what Axel calls me." Roxas scowled.

"It's not as bad as Zexy." Axel said.

"What's so bad about Roxie?" Xaldin wanted to know.

"It's not Roxie. He's made up another nickname for me that only he can use." Roxas said, shooting a glare toward the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"What's so bad about-" Axel started to say.

"Shut it, Axel!" Roxas snapped.

"There's nothing bad about it." Axel said. "It's the truth."

"About what?" Lexaeus asked as he took out his crochet needles and lampshade.

"It's nothing, Lexaeus." Roxas said.

"So what do you think is going to go wrong, Zexion?" Axel asked, getting the conversation back on topic.

"I think Vexen's going to create another lethal experiment." Zexion replied.

"They're always lethal." Xigbar said. "What would be so different about today?"

"Oh, sweet Jashin-sama!" Zexion exclaimed, looking at the clock on the wall. "I'm late for my Grammar Nazi meeting!"

What exactly a Grammar Nazi meeting contains, only Larxene's non-existent dead grandmother knows. The only thing known about these meetings is the fact that Zexion always comes back talking like he just walked out of 15th century London.

After the rapid departure of Zexion, the five Nobodies were left sitting on the Roof That Never Was, feeling very bored. It was at that moment that a loud bang could be heard following sounds that one could only hear in a cartoon.

"I guess Vexen's making something now." Xigbar sighed.

"Acute observation, Xigbar." Roxas rolled his eyes.

* * *

The next non-existent day, the entirety of Organization XIII was sitting once again in the Meeting Room That Never Was. It seemed to many of the Nobodies that a meeting was held just about every non-existent day. The only one who really liked these meetings was Xemnas.

"So what do you have to show us, Vexen?" Xemnas asked the Chilly Academic at the end of the repulsive meeting.

"I have created vegetable scented shower products!" Vexen exclaimed joyfully.

All the members of Organization XIII save for Vexen looked shocked. They knew that Vexen always came up with weird experiments. Cue the computer that could speak with its user and the remote control that came to life whenever a button was pushed. Still, the Nobodies residing in the Castle That Never Was never expected Vexen to come up with something so unusual as this.

"What are you talking about, Vexen?" Larxene wanted to know.

"While we were in the meeting two days ago, I began to wonder how Axel's hair is so red." Vexen began.

At this, all the Nobodies turned to face the Flurry of Dancing Flames, who said, "It's naturally like this, ok?"

"I was hungry, so I was thinking about eating a tomato and then it hit me." Vexen ploughed onward.

"What did?" Roxas asked, knowing that he would dread asking this question.

"Axel's hair is that ridiculous shade of red because he uses tomato shampoo!" Vexen exclaimed.

"It's not ridiculous and I do not!" Axel snapped.

"That's because it hadn't been invented yet." Vexen retorted.

"What do you mean?" Zexion asked warily.

"I invented tomato shampoo!" Vexen exclaimed happily.

"Might I ask why?" Marluxia asked as the other members gaped at the Chilly Academic in horror.

"Because I felt like it." Vexen nodded. "And I created other vegetable products."

"Vexen, do you know how gross that is?" Larxene asked.

"It's not disgusting!" Vexen retorted.

"Yes it is!" Saix exclaimed. "Who in hell wants to use pea scented soap?!"

"I have some if you'd like." Vexen said.

"I was being sarcastic!" Saix shouted.

"Do we want to know what else you came up with?" Xemnas asked.

"Celery and carrot scented lotion, squash conditioner, zucchini soap, jalapeno and cucumber shampoo…" Vexen counted off on his fingers.

"Oh, for the love of humanity!" Luxord exclaimed.

"Rutabaga lotion, pumpkin and tomato conditioner," Vexen continued, "Lettuce soap and cabbage lotion."

"How the hell do you have enough time to make all this?!" Demyx exclaimed.

"I made them very rapidly." Vexen nodded.

"Just when I thought I'd seen it all…" Lexaeus sighed.

"Please tell me you aren't going to use them, Vexen?" Marluxia sighed.

"We don't want the whole of the Castle to smell like cabbage lotion." Luxord explained.

"Of course I am!" Vexen exclaimed.

"Oh, hell no!" Xaldin, Larxene, Axel, Xigbar and Zexion yelled.

"We will _not_ be forced to smell like vegetables." Axel snapped.

"It would be nice." Demyx said.

"Demyx, you're stoned." Larxene said. "Don't say anything."

"No I'm not." Demyx said.

"Just shut up, Demyx." Axel said.

"Vexen, you may use them if you like, but I for one do not wish to smell like cabbage or tomatoes." Xemnas said.

"Fine…" Vexen sighed, admitting defeat.

"Are we done yet, Superior?" Saix questioned.

"Yes, we are." Xemnas said.

With that, Organization XIII left the Meeting Room That Never Was. Axel and Roxas made their way up to the Pool That Never Was on the top floor and started the conversation that would prove to be the event of the non-existent day.

**this chapter is the product of my boredom. i asked my friends and family for some suggestions. Thanks guys! review?**

**next chapter: the problem with names**


	9. Melodious Nocturne

**Disclaimer: I don't own KH**

**It's Mika-chan! i thought this was kinda boring, but i like the ending. on with the deadly tale!**

"So what's wrong with our names?" Roxas asked as he jumped into the Pool That Never Was.

"They don't make any sense." Axel said, longing to jump into the pool with his blue-eyed lover.

Axel, however, couldn't jump into the pool because he would fall into the abyss known as unconsciousness. It was the one thing he hated about controlling fire; he couldn't get wet at all. That's why the Flurry of Dancing Flames got so annoyed at Demyx when the latter was making water clones. Though it wasn't like he was going to short-circuit like the Savage Nymph.

"What do you mean?" Roxas asked. "Are you referring to our other names?"

"No, the last names that we don't have." Axel rolled his eyes.

"Well, what's wrong with them?" Roxas asked.

"I just told you!" Axel exclaimed whilst Roxas swam over to the side so he could properly converse with the Flurry of Dancing Flames. "They don't make sense!"

"How so?" Roxas frowned.

"Take my name." Axel said. "The Flurry of Dancing Flames."

"You're element is fire, so there's the flames." Roxas said. "And you use it a lot, so there's the flurry."

"But I don't dance!" Axel exclaimed.

"Yes, you do, Axel." Roxas said.

A few non-existent weeks ago, Saix had been sitting in his room, thinking of ways to murder innocent children, when he heard _My Humps_ being blasted at such a volume that all in Helsinki could hear it. Walking out to the corridor, he saw Axel with a large radio, dancing away. I would say dancing his heart away, but theoretically, Nobodies don't have hearts. Ah well. You get what I'm saying, right?

"Not that much." Axel said.

To prove Axel wrong on this point, Roxas recalled the time when he woke up to find Axel playing DDR. On extreme mode. All day. For three days.

"Okay, so maybe I _do_ dance a lot." Axel glared at his blue-eyed lover.

"So your name makes sense." Roxas said. "Whose doesn't?"

"Well…I don't think Demyx's does." Axel said.

"The Melodious Nocturne?" Roxas frowned.

"I get the melodious part." Axel said. "But where did the nocturne come from?"

"I have no clue!" Roxas exclaimed.

"And what about Zexion, eh?" Axel challenged. "The Cloaked Schemer?"

"He's cloaked and he schemes just about anything he can think of." Roxas shot that idea flat before doing a handstand in the pool.

"Lexaeus." Axel said. "The Silent Hero."

"He sure as hell isn't silent." Roxas nodded in agreement. "And I don't think he's much of a hero."

"And what about ol' mansex?" Axel pointed out.

"Xemnas?" Roxas frowned. "What about him?"

"His other name is the Unknown, right?" Axel wanted to make sure his information was correct.

"Yeah." Roxas nodded.

"Well, we know who he is." Axel pointed out.

"So?" Roxas was still confused.

"So why is he the Unknown if we know who he is?" Axel asked.

"Who's unknown?"

Both neophytes turned to find Zexion and Demyx walking onto the Roof That Never Was.

"Demyx, don't you dare splash me." Axel said threateningly. "You know what happened last time."

"Who's unknown?" Demyx asked as he cannon balled into the pool.

"Xemnas." Roxas said.

"But if he's unknown, why do we know his name?" Demyx wondered in all due seriousness.

"Demyx…" Axel sighed at the _very_ short attention span of the Melodious Nocturne.

"His other name is Unknown." Roxas clarified, since Axel looked like he was on the verge of killing the sitarist.

"Oh!" a _tiny_ light bulb in Demyx's brain suddenly clicked on.

"Now he gets it." Zexion said as he jumped into the pool with a small splash.

"But why are you wondering?" Demyx wanted to know as Zexion surfaced.

"Just curiosity." Roxas said for Axel, who had whipped out the latest volume of _Cirque Du Freak_ and was currently engrossed in said novel.

"Axel, quit reading." Zexion said.

"Hark who's talking, Zexy!" Demyx splashed his lover with water.

"You read more than all of us put together." Axel said, his peridot eyes still glued to the page.

"Xaldin reads a lot." Roxas said.

"Xaldin reads manga, Roxie." Axel clarified for XIII.

"Manga are still books, you know." Demyx said, splashing Zexion with water again.

"Stop splashing me, Demyx!" Zexion yelled.

"If you don't want to get wet, then why are you here?" Demyx frowned in confusion as he created several water clones and made said clones splash Roxas instead.

"Because you dragged me here." Zexion glared at the Melodious Nocturne.

"Yeah, why _are_ you the Melodious Nocturne?" Axel asked randomly as he looked at the sitarist.

"That was certainly random, Axel." Zexion said.

"Try being his lover." Roxas rolled his ocean eyes.

"That's your choice." Zexion said.

"So why are you the Melodious Nocturne?" Axel asked Demyx, ignoring Roxas and Zexion completely.

"I'm melodious because of my sitar." Demyx grinned.

"No shit?" now it was Zexion's turn to roll his eyes.

"But what about the nocturne part?" Roxas asked.

"I have no idea!" Demyx exclaimed as he nose-dived into the bottom of the pool.

"Surprise, surprise." Axel's words dripped with sarcasm.

"Maybe someone found me at night." Demyx suggested when he came up for air.

"Who found you?" Roxas asked.

"No idea." Zexion shook his head.

"I'll go search, then!" Demyx proclaimed boldly as he jumped out of the pool, dragging Zexion behind him.

Axel and Roxas watched the two leave and the conversation changed. Little did they know, however, that the discussion of names was far from being over.

**i really can imagine Axel pole dancing in a strip club somewhere. i will take requests for this story! review?**

**next chapter: say this five times fast: vexen rants about ranks**


	10. Rants about ranks

**Disclaimer: If I owned KH, Vexen wouldn't exist. I really hate that guy...**

**It's Mika-chan! I must be running out of ideas...but i'm going to have some fun writing the next chapter. on with the deadly tale!**

It was a simple day in the Castle That Never Was. Who am I kidding? It's never simple! Just a few non-existent days ago, Saix tried to make grilled cheese on a printer. :shakes head at Saix: Ah well. At least there's never a dull moment, ne?

Xaldin was in the bathroom, trying to decide if he was going to French braid his dreds or simply tie it up in a bun on the top of his head. It was _very_ annoying to hear the loud bangs from the Graceful Assassin on the door.

"Hurry up, Xaldin!" Marluxia shouted through the door.

"I'm not done yet, Marly." Xaldin called Marluxia the name he detested.

"Don't you dare call me Marly, you newt infested warthog!" Marluxia shouted back.

Ah yes. Marluxia's insults weren't always so insulting. Like the time he called Luxord a cheese-headed tomato.

Because of Marluxia's so-called insult, the Whirlwind Lancer flung open the door, still in his baby pink hair curlers and glared at Marluxia with a look that could kill a rhino, elephant and a platypus.

"I'll finish when I finish, _Marluxia_." Xaldin's eyes bore into the pink-haired neophyte with great dislike.

"It'd better be quick, Xaldin." Marluxia left in a huff.

* * *

In another part of the enormous castle that was too big for it's own good, several other Nobodies were entertaining themselves by completely different means. Axel and Roxas were having sex under the couch in the Lounge That Never Was, Demyx was playing songs on his sitar, Luxord was playing strip-poker with Saix, Lexaeus and Xigbar and Larxene was cutting the heads off of little toy monkeys.

Wow. The Organization really needs something to do. But I digress…

Demyx was sitting happily in his room, playing _Famous Last Words_ by My Chemical Romance. Every now and then, the Melodious Nocturne would play the bass line instead of the guitar line, but he didn't really care. Soon, Demyx grew bored of the song and switched to _Passion's Killing Floor_ by H.I.M.

Vexen, down in his lab, could hear the caterwauling from the several floors above him. Slamming the cardboard boxes he was holding to the floor, the Chilly Academic stormed out of his lab and up the many flights of stairs to find Demyx in his room, strumming away on his beloved instrument.

"Demyx, stop playing that retched _thing_." Vexen spat at the neophyte.

"But it's fun, Vexy!" Demyx grinned. "And I don't think I will."

"Will what?"

At that moment, Axel and Roxas made their entrance. Roxas was holding Oathkeeper and Axel was holding both chakram.

"How do you guys go from having sex under the couch to sparing?" Demyx frowned quizzically.

"Zexy started reading _War and Peace_." Axel shrugged. "What can I say?"

"You _know_ what Superior said about the couch, VIII." Vexen glared at the pyro.

"So?" Axel replied with a bored expression.

"So don't do it!" Vexen yelled.

"It's fun, so no." Roxas grinned.

"You're too young to be doing that kind of stuff anyway!" Vexen shrieked, pointing a finger at the youngest Nobody.

"He's a teenager, Vexen." Demyx leaned against his sitar.

"Just because people lost their virginity at the age of 90 when you where human, Vexen, doesn't mean we have to wait that long." Axel grinned maliciously.

"Don't talk to your elders like that!"

"Demyx is as more of an elder than you are."

"But, Axel, you're older than me."

"Don't think on it, Demy. Axel was trying to make a point."

"Oh, I see."

"No, I don't think you do."

"You are only number VIII. I, however am…"

"We don't care." Axel said. "You act like such an ass that it doesn't matter what number you are."

"Are you requesting a duel, Axel?" Vexen sneered.

"You know I'd beat you." Axel grinned. "Fire melts ice, remember?"

"I thought it froze it?" Demyx frowned.

"Demyx, are you stoned?" Roxas rolled his eyes.

"I don't think so." Demyx shook his head.

Axel and Vexen continued their argument, ignoring the other two neophytes.

"Where in the _world_ did you get those atrocious manners?!"

"Why do you care? This world is non-existent."

"You know what I mean!"

"I really could care less what you mean, actually."

Vexen, seeing that no good would come from verbal fights, stormed out of the room and walked through a portal, set of finding Xemnas.

* * *

"So what is it this time, Vexen?"

And Vexen did find Xemnas. The leader of Organization XIII was in his office, surrounded by the only walls in the whole Castle That Never Was that were not white. And what colour was that? Pink. Before it was Xemnas's office, it had been Lexaeus' room. The Silent Hero had been going through a somewhat rebellious stage and was painting everything pink. Marluxia, annoyed at Lexaeus, had kicked out V. Xemnas immediately obtained the room and it became his office.

This was five non-existent years ago.

Why Xemnas left the walls pink, only his dead grandmother knows. Wow. I use that expression a lot for Xemnas. I wonder how many grandmothers he has………..

Ah well. Doesn't matter.

In any case, Vexen now stood before Xemnas in the office, trying to get his point across.

"No one in this entire organization respects their elders!" Vexen shrieked.

"Again?" Xemnas had heard this song and dance before. Many a time, actually.

"I told Demyx to stop playing his sitar, and he refused!" Vexen started. "And then Axel and Roxas barged in and you know how Axel is…"

"Whatever." Clearly Xemnas couldn't care less.

"So he starts yelling at me." Vexen ploughed ahead.

"And Roxas?" Xemnas was more concerned with restoring the population of tree frogs to the Amazon.

"He didn't do much of anything, actually." Vexen thought.

"And is that all?" Xemnas asked in a bored voice.

"Yes, I believe that is it." Vexen said. "So?"

"So what?" Xemnas was almost ready to give the Chilly Academic an early fading.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Vexen demanded.

"I'll work on it." Xemnas sighed.

"Good."

Seemingly satisfied, Vexen left. As soon as the door closed, Xemnas rolled his eyes and returned to his work. He never listened to Vexen. Why should he start listening now?

**Is it a bit obvious i hate Vexen? ah well. i'll take requests for this story! i'll write just about anything. review?**

**next chapter: one of the only times Axel has hated his name...**


	11. Axel the Firebender

**Disclaimer: I don't own KH or Avatar.**

**It's Mika-chan! I just got into Avatar: The Last Airbender, and this chapter just fell into place. I hope it's interesting! on with the deadly tale!**

When Demyx awoke the next non-existent morning, he looked out the window and gazed at the non-existent sun, heard the non-existent birds singing their non-existent songs…

Okay, let's stop this right now.

I, for one, hate the happy kind of thing in stories and I have the feeling that there are many other people like me. So let's move on to what _really _happened when Demyx woke up.

Demyx woke up feeling more tired than he had before he fell asleep. Maybe that's because Luxord snuck in and injected him with caffeine and he ran a marathon in his sleep, but hey, there could be other things.

So after dressing in the boring black robe that I think looks pretty awesome, the Melodious Nocturne sleepily went up to the Kitchen That Never Was for breakfast. On his way up, he happened to pass one of the many lounges in the castle. Demyx saw Saix watching _Avatar: The Last Airbender_. It happened to be a later episode from the third season that Marluxia and Xigbar had bootlegged from a website and Saix had apparently stolen it. In said episode, Aang and Zuko were at the fire temple and Aang was attempting to learn firebending. Both were dancing. Well, sort of. If you've seen the episode, you'll know what I'm talking about. If not, well, go look it up on . It'll be there. I'm watching it there right now. Well, not at this very moment, but you get what I'm saying, right? In any case, Zuko was firebending and something clicked in Demyx's non-existent brain.

Axel was a firebender.

For those of you who do not watch _Avatar_, then you're all lost in the abyss known as…well, whatever. So I shall take a moment to explain.

In the world of _Avatar_, there are earthbenders, firebenders, airbenders, and waterbenders. The names are self-explanatory. Aang is the Avatar, so he can use all four elements. However, Katara, Zuko and Toph can only use waterbending, firebending and earthbending respectively. I think that's about as far as I can go.

Now Demyx had only watched a select few episodes of _Avatar_, but he knew and somewhat understood the basic concept. So he understood that Zuko was a firebender. And Axel could manipulate fire. Thus Demyx's conclusion that Axel was a firebender.

This was a joyous occasion for the Melodious Nocturne and he grabbed Saix by the wrist and dragged him out of the Lounge That Never Was part VII.

"What the hell, Demyx?!" Saix shrieked. "Can't you see I was watching TV?"

"Saix, where is Axel?" Demyx demanded.

"Asleep, probably." Saix shrugged. "Why?"

"Axel's a firebender." Demyx grinned as he raced down the hall, still clinging to the Luna Diviner.

"No, he's not!" Saix protested.

"He can bend fire like Zuko, can't he?" Demyx pointed out.

"Yes, but-" Saix started to say.

"Then he's a firebender." Demyx said, dashing down the stairs.

"Are you stoned, Demyx?" Saix frowned.

"Nope!" Demyx grinned.

"Then what have you ingested to make you so delirious?" Saix demanded.

"Nothing, actually." Demyx raced down another flight of stairs.

"Oh, holy hell." Saix sighed.

A few non-existent moments later, Demyx burst through the door to the room of the Flurry of Dancing Flames. Axel was sleeping peacefully, which was something he did pretty much every day. Demyx yanked off the covers and found that Roxas was there as well.

"I don't want to know." Saix shook his head.

"What do you want, Demyx?" Axel demanded.

"Axel, I know what you are!" Demyx exclaimed.

"Good for you, Demyx." Roxas rolled his eyes and snuggled closer to Axel.

"Axel's a firebender!" Demyx shouted.

"How the hell am I a firebender?" Axel furrowed his eyebrows. "They don't even exist!"

"Nothing does here." Saix pointed out.

"True." Roxas agreed.

"But Axel can control fire like Zuko!" Demyx proclaimed.

"So what?" Axel questioned.

"The Uchihas can, but they're not firebenders." Roxas said.

"Roxas, they're from another show entirely." Saix said.

"Whatever." Roxas yanked the covers back and covered himself up.

"Don't you care, Axel?" Demyx frowned.

"Care about what?" Axel asked warily.

"That you're a firebender!" Demyx exclaimed.

"No, he's not!" Saix protested.

"Yes, he is!" Demyx shot back. "Axel's the enemy!"

"But not all firebenders are bad." Roxas said. "Zuko isn't."

"He changed at the very end of the series!" Demyx shrieked.

"You really need to be quieter." Saix shook his head.

"So what's your point, Demyx?" Roxas questioned.

"Axel could betray the Organization!" Demyx yelped.

"Demyx, _I_ was the one who prevented Marluxia and Larxene from betraying Organization XIII." Axel said as he wrapped his arms around Roxas.

"He has a point." Saix agreed.

"But he could be pretending to be on our side!" Demyx hadn't changed the volume of his voice and Vexen could hear this conversation loud and clear in his lab where he was banging Marluxia on the lab table.

"Are you always this paranoid?" Axel rolled his peridot eyes.

"I'm not paranoid!" Demyx shrieked.

* * *

At the next Meeting That Never Was that was held somewhat frequently, Demyx was intending to bring up his belief that Axel was a firebender. He, of course, knew that no one would believe him, but he had a duty to do if he was going to save the world! Well, he wasn't saving the world. What world was there to save? It's called the _World That Never Was_ for Shiva's sake!

"What do you want, Demyx?" Xemnas asked the Melodious Nocturne.

"I just have an announcement." Demyx said.

"Demyx, you are insane." Axel said.

"What is it?" Luxord asked.

"Axel is a firebender." Demyx proclaimed.

"No, he's not!" Xigbar snapped.

"He can control fire like Zuko and what is Zuko? A firebender!" Demyx nodded happily.

"Demyx, that would make you a waterbender." Zexion said, not looking up from the Russian-English dictionary he was reading.

"I am?" Demyx had never stopped to consider this.

"Hey, if I have to be a firebender, then you have to be a waterbender, Demy." Axel said.

"Then who are the earth and airbenders?" Marluxia asked.

"I guess Xaldin would be the airbender." Roxas said.

"But Aang was the last airbender." Axel pointed out. "That's kinda why the show was called The _Last_ Airbender."

"Well, Xaldin is the airbender." Demyx nodded.

"Lucky me." Xaldin rolled his eyes.

"So who's earth?" Roxas frowned.

"Lexaeus." Axel said.

"Why me?" Lexaeus looked up from the quilt he was crocheting.

"Because you use earth, stupid." Xigbar said.

"This whole thing is stupid." Vexen said.

"Wait, wouldn't Larxene be a firebender, too?" Luxord asked.

"What are you talking about?" Larxene questioned.

"Larxene is lightning, Luxord." Xemnas said.

"Yeah, but firebenders can use lightning, too." Luxord said. "Azula and Zuko and Iroh did."

"Zuko only redirected it." Marluxia corrected the Gambler of Fate.

"But that means he used it!" Luxord yelped.

"Larxene's not a firebender because she can't use fire." Saix said simply.

"Why does it matter?!" Vexen shrieked in his usual hysterical way.

"How the hell would we know?" Zexion yelled.

"Ok, I'm calling this meeting to an end." Xemnas had had enough. "Anyone who wants to discuss this further can do it with Demyx later."

And so the Nobodies filed out of the abyss known as the Meeting Room That Never Was. Demyx was very happy because he had proved that Axel was a firebender. Well, he wasn't _really_ a firebender, but that didn't matter to the Melodious Nocturne. He had gotten his point across and that's all he really wanted.

**Is it a bit obvious that I like the firebenders? Tropicalna, I will be doing your chapter next! review?**

**next chapter: another bad experiment**


	12. Vexen and Vixen

**Disclaimer: I don't own KH. If I did, well, Vexen wouldn't be here.**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! Here you go, Tropicalna! I hope this is what you expected. This was an unusual chapter to write...on with the deadly tale!**

A few non-existent weeks later, Vexen was in the Lab That Never Was, trying to turn a parakeet into a komodo dragon. Why he was doing this is beyond me. I'm just telling the story here and I hope everyone is enjoying it.

In any case, Vexen was having no luck with his experiment. Maybe this was because you _can't_ turn a parakeet into a komodo dragon, but hey, Vexen doesn't need to know that. Is it obvious I like torturing the guy?

In any case, Vexen was rather…_troubled_ that his experiment was not working, though troubled would not be my word of choice. I don't really know what the word would be. It's that bad, my lovely readers. So what did Vexen do that was so bad? Well, for one thing, he turned over the Lab Table That Never Was That Is Frequently Used For Gay Sex. Chairs were thrown and the whole lab looked like the Führerbunker after the Russians invaded at the end of WWII.

In his tirade, which I believe may or may not be the right word, Vexen had thrown a chair at a button that should never exist in this non-existent world: the button that changed the gender of anyone in the room. And it just so happened that Vexen was the only one in the room at the moment. Lucky him. Didn't I say I was going to torture Vexen in this chapter? I didn't? Well, I'm saying it now: I'm going to torture Vexen in this chapter.

A bright beam of red light was shot at the Chilly Academic, which caused Vexen to experience a number of different sensations, some being the feeling of getting shot to the head whilst others felt like he had tried to jump a particularly large wave at a beach and failed miserably, sending him into the abyss known as unconsciousness. In any case, when he woke up, Vexen knew that he was no longer himself.

* * *

Up in the Lounge That Never Was Part XII, Roxas, Demyx, Zexion, Axel and Xigbar were playing Chinese Checkers. Well, Zexion wasn't. The Cloaked Schemer was reading (isn't he always?) a book on the French Revolution whilst the other Nobodies played their game.

"This is going to be boring, isn't it?" Axel sighed, moving his piece across the board.

"Maybe not." Zexion said, eyes still on his book.

"And what do you think we'll be doing today, Mr. Know It All?" Xigbar faced the Cloaked Schemer.

"Vexen is going to suffer miserably." Zexion said. "That's all I can tell.

"Well, it'd be nice to know what he was suffering about." Roxas said.

"Maybe he's making cookies!" Demyx exclaimed.

"Demyx, I don't think that would be considered suffering." Axel rolled his eyes.

"Saix would." Xigbar moved a piece across the board.

At that moment, a piercing shriek came from the Lab That Never Was. Of course, this is a regular occurrence in the Castle That Never Was, so no one really paid any attention.

"What's he done now?" Roxas' cerulean eyes rolled to the ceiling.

"Maybe he mutated a frog with a spider." Xigbar suggested.

"No, he already did that." Axel said. "He was going to see how fast it would take to burn off a pack of matches."

"In your dreams." Roxas said.

"I thought he was going to make one of Marluxia's spider plants mate with a turkey buzzard?" Demyx frowned.

"It sounds more serious than that." Zexion closed his book. "Let's go check it out."

"Aww, Zexy!" Demyx whined.

"Vexen always over-reacts." Xigbar said. "He probably just found Xaldin and Luxord banging each other on the lab table."

"Well, _I'm_ going to check it out." Zexion left the room.

"Well, it _must_ be bad if Zexion's worried." Axel said. "Maybe we _should_ go check it out."

"Not you too, Axel!" Roxas whined.

"Come on." Xigbar stood from the table as well. "We'll get back to the game once we figure out that it's nothing serious."

Xigbar, you couldn't have been more wrong, my friend. When the Nobodies left the Lounge That Never Was Part XII, they headed off in the direction of the Lab That Never Was. I'm sick of writing that! Can't it be something That Never Existed? It means the same thing! Ah well. I'm here to tell the story, not write it.

All of Organization XIII was gathered in the fifth floor corridor. Well, all save for Axel, Roxas, Xigbar, Demyx and Larxene, but who cares about her? In the middle of the group was a female wearing an Organization cloak, but no one remembered seeing her before. That's when it hit them. It was Vexen.

"Holy shit, Vexen." Lexaeus gasped. "What did you do?"

"It was an accident!" Vexen yelped in a much higher voice than Organization XIII was used to.

"_This_ was an accident?" Axel raised his eyebrows.

"I was mad, so I started throwing things…" Vexen began to explain.

"What did I tell you about that?" Xemnas wasn't at all pleased.

"And I threw a chair at the button that was supposed to change the gender of a bullfrog." Vexen admitted.

"Where's Larxene?" Xaldin asked the group at large.

"Right here." Larxene said as she approached the group from the stairwell.

"Looks like you're not the only chick here, Larxene." Axel said, grinning wickedly.

"Did we get a new member?" Larxene frowned. "And where's Vexen?"

"That _is_ Vexen." Saix said, trying to hold back a snicker.

"It's not funny, Saix!" Vexen shrieked.

"Exactly!" Marluxia exclaimed. "Vexen, how am I supposed to have sex with you if you're a girl?"

"I guess you're officially straight now, Marly." Lexaeus said.

"No, I want my Vexen!" Marluxia screeched. "Not this…this…Vixen!"

"Vixen?" Roxas frowned.

"Hey, that's not half bad, Marly." Zexion said.

"And stop calling me Marly!" Marluxia shrieked.

"Vexen, do you have any idea how to reverse this?" Xemnas asked the Chilly Academic.

"The button smashed." Vexen said sounding dejected.

"Well, you'll have to do something about it." Xemnas said.

"I dunno, Superior." Axel grinned. "I kinda like him this way."

"Axel…" Marluxia looked like he was ready to throttle the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"What's with you, Marluxia?" Demyx frowned.

"Let's return to our original topic of conversation." Xemnas always had to bring the group back on topic.

"Ok." Xaldin turned to Luxord and asked, "So did you watch the World Series?"

"Not what I meant." Xemnas' tone was serious.

"I don't know if I _can_ do anything about it." Vexen, or rather Vixen said.

"Just fix the button." Saix shrugged. "How hard can it be?"

"You don't think much, do you Saix?" Larxene rolled her eyes.

"Can it, Larxene." Saix glared at her with murderous intent.

"Well, Vexen," Xemnas turned to the Chilly Academic, "you must find a way out of this. We can't terrorize the world if you're female."

"That won't be necessary, Superior." Luxord said.

"Vexen can't even terrorize a fruit fly." Axel grinned.

"You're so mean, Axel." Demyx frowned.

"Well, Larxene…" Xemnas started to say.

"What now?" Larxene whined.

"…you'll need to teach Vexen, or rather Vixen, how to be a girl." Xemnas said.

"Why?!" Vexen yelped.

"Just in case we can't turn you back to a guy." Xigbar grinned from ear to ear.

"No way." Larxene shook her head. "There's no way in hell I'm going to teach Vexen to be a girl."

"Vixen." Axel snickered.

"Shut it, Axel." Vexen glared at VIII.

"Just do it, Larxene." Xemnas said.

* * *

"Ok, Vexen, you'd better learn to listen to me because I'm the only one who can teach you to be a girl. Got it?"

"Like I'd really want to do this."

A few hours later, Vexen/Vixen was in Larxene's room learning how to be a girl. Larxene was doing her best not to electrocute the Chilly Academic, but that might not be easy.

"You need to walk like this, for one thing." Larxene walked across the room to show Vexen/Vixen how it was done.

"Like this?" Vexen/Vixen walked across the room in a manner that was completely opposite from the Savage Nymph's.

"No no NO!" Larxene shrieked.

"I'm new at this!" Vexen/Vixen screamed. "You've had all your life for this."

"Ah, the sounds of two girls fighting."

Larxene and Vexen/Vixen turned to see Axel leaning against the doorway, a smile set on his lips.

"What do you want, Axel?" Larxene scowled.

"I wanted to see how girl lessons are coming along." Axel replied.

"Terrible." Vexen/Vixen glared at the blonde Nobody.

"Need any help?" Axel offered.

"You're a guy, Axel." Larxene said.

"No, I never noticed." Peridot eyes rolled in sarcasm.

"Then why did you ask?" Vexen/Vixen asked.

"Just offering." Axel grinned.

"Out!" Larxene yelled.

Axel made his grand exodus, dodging the knife the Larxene flung at his head.

"Now…where were we?" Larxene faced the Nobody in front of her.

"Walking?" Vexen/Vixen's response sounded like a question.

"Oh, yeah." Larxene said. "Vexen, you walk with more of a stiff manner. Kinda like Saix when he's stoned or Luxord when he's drunk. You need to walk more like this." Larxene walked again to the other side of the room, trying to be as graceful as possible.

"But you never walk like that." Vexen/Vixen pointed out.

"That's because I'm usually pissed when I walk." Larxene said. "You know what? Forget the walking."

"So now what?" Vexen/Vixen crossed his arms in front of his/her chest.

"We work on posture." Larxene said. "It looks like you have the arms crossed thing down, so we'll work on stance. Try to match my stance, ok?"

Larxene stood erect, putting her weight on her right foot. Vexen/Vixen tried to do the same thing, but he/she ended up falling over. Sighing, Larxene said, "You're really hopeless, aren't you?"

* * *

After dodging the knife thrown at him by Larxene, Axel dashed down the corridor and made his way to Roxas' room, where he found XIII playing _Squeak Squad_ on his DS.

"Where were you?" Roxas demanded. "You were supposed to be here ten minutes ago!"

"I was checking up on Vixen." Axel grinned, sitting down on Roxas' bed.

"You mean Vexen." Roxas said, bringing his lips closer to Axel's.

"No, Vixen." Axel said firmly.

The two made their argument work into their make-out session. Roxas would try to push away from Axel whilst the Flurry of Dancing Flames just gripped Roxas closer to his chest. Roxas tried to get Axel to fall of the bed, but Axel wouldn't budge. So instead Roxas had to force the Flurry of Dancing Flames off the bed where the session continued until Lexaeus burst into the room.

"Lexaeus!" Roxas and Axel yelled.

"Xemnas thinks he fixed the machine, so Vixen might be Vexen." Lexaeus said.

"Really?" Roxas asked.

"Aww, dammit!" Axel scowled.

"When are they testing it?" Roxas asked.

"Right now." Lexaeus said.

A triumphant yell rang throughout the Castle That Never Was. Axel faced the other two and said, "Well, I guess Vexen's back. I kinda liked him as a girl."

"Don't even say that around your boyfriend, Axel." Lexaeus said.

The three went down the hall where Vexen was running in and out of rooms telling everyone that he was a guy again. As if we cared. Axel, on the other hand, sort of missed Vixen. It was nice to have Vixen arguing with Larxene. Ah well. More good, or bad depending on how you looked at it, were sure to come.

**great, huh? sorry it took so long. i had a lot of oneshots to write, but i've slimmed down on those. reivew?**

**next chapter: a new moon is bad news for saix**


	13. Unlucky 13

**Disclaimer: I don't own KH. If I did, I'd change the name of the World That Never Was.**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! This goes out to MegaKiraraLover. I loved your suggestions and I'm working on putting them in seperate chapters. I hope this is good...on with the deadly tale!**

Axel was walking up to the Roof That Never Was, bored with the day-to-day activities of being a Nobody. It was annoying, really. He hated the fact that he couldn't go swimming in the Pool That Never Was because he couldn't get wet.

Walking out to the Roof, the Flurry of Dancing Flames noticed something odd that was also so horrifying that it deserved to be named the most shocking thing in non-existence.

There was no moon.

Axel shrieked so loudly that the residents of the Space Paranoids could hear him loud and clear. To some, this may be ordinary to have no moon. To Organization XIII, however, it was the end of the world.

Saix was horrible during new moons.

During a full moon, as expected, the Luna Diviner would go Berserk, running amuck around the Castle. During a new moon, however, he went missing. And Saix usually his in dangerous places. Like the rocket launching pad, for example.

In any case, this was a horrible occurrence for Organization XIII and Axel dashed off the Roof and ran head-on into Marluxia as he was heading to the Garden That Never Was That Was Filled With Zinnias With Heads Of Gophers.

"Marluxia!" Axel yelped. "It's a new moon!"

For a moment, the Graceful Assassin simply stood and blinked at Axel. What in hell was Axel _talking_ about? Then a light-bulb went off in the attic of Marluxia's mind and it all made sense.

"Oh no!" Marluxia dropped the tray of hydrangeas that he was holding.

"I'll get Roxas." Axel said. "You tell Xemnas."

"On it." Marluxia nodded, creating a portal and vanishing.

Axel took off in the direction of the bedrooms, bursting into the Key of Destiny's. Roxas was lying on his stomach on his bed, blue eyes focused on a video game in front of him.

"Roxas!" Axel shrieked. "It's a new moon!"

"Holy hell, Axel!" Roxas exclaimed, flinging the gaming device against the wall. "Do we know where Saix is?"

"No!" Axel exclaimed.

"I'll see if Zexion can sense him." Roxas nodded once. "You go find everyone else."

"Marly's finding Xemnas." Axel said. "Demyx is probably in the Pool…"

"Let's just find Saix before he blows up the Castle, huh?" Roxas said.

The two Nobodies parted, Axel darting down one end of the hall whilst Roxas bolted into Zexion's room. He found the Cloaked Schemer wearing a salmon pink cocktail dress with matching stilettos, pearls on his neck with enormous hoop earrings dangling from his ears. He was wearing lavender eye shadow and the lips were a bright crimson.

Roxas stopped quite abruptly when he saw Zexion. So abruptly, in fact, that he crashed into one of the many bookcases, causing an avalanche of books to fall on his head.

"Are you ok, Roxas?" Zexion asked.

"What the hell, Zexion!?" Roxas gasped, pointing at the hideous outfit.

"Lexaeus made me do it." Zexion said.

"Lexaeus is insane!" Roxas yelped.

"What do you want, anyway?" Zexion's hands fell to his hips.

"It's the new moon." Roxas said in a mortified voice.

"Let me see if I can sense him…" Zexion was silent for a moment before saying, "Nope."

"You can't find him." Roxas sighed.

"I'll help look." Zexion said.

"Not in drag, you're not." Roxas shook his head firmly.

"Fine. But we don't have much time." Zexion said as he started to take off his earrings. "We need to find him."

"No kidding?" Roxas rolled his eyes as he darted from the room.

* * *

Xaldin hated the new moon. Almost as much as he hated when he couldn't find his conditioner. That, however, could be replaced. Time spent looking for Saix couldn't.

He had been in the bathroom, braiding his dreds when Axel had told him about Saix. Go figure. Couldn't Saix at least _try_ to control himself at a new moon? Of course not. That would make things easy. And we all know Saix is almost as sadistic as Larxene.

In any case, Xaldin was_ not_ looking forward to roaming the Castle That Never Was to find the missing neophyte. He had a single lance in hand, ready to attack Saix should he attempt to do so. This, however, was unlikely.

"Any luck yet?"

Xaldin jumped a mile and was about ready to throw the lance when he realized that it was only Lexaeus.

"What is it, Lexaeus?" Xaldin glared at the Silent Hero.

"Demyx and Luxord are looking around the Pool, Axel is looking near the Sparring Range, Marluxia's checking the Garden..." Lexaeus reported.

"And Xigbar's shooting range?" Xaldin raised an eyebrow.

"He's checking it now." Lexaeus said. "Oh, and Zexion's checking the Library."

"What about the Lounges? And the Kitchen?" Xaldin asked.

"We checked the Lounges, but he's not there." Lexaeus said. "Larxene thought he'd be hiding in the stove like the last time, but he wasn't there."

"Well, we'll find out when he's been recovered." Xaldin said. "Just make sure Demyx doesn't drown us."

"He claims that was an accident. Then again, Demyx claims a lot of things." Lexaeus shrugged as he walked off.

* * *

Axel cautiously opened the door to the Lab That Never Was, shivering violently, with Demyx closely behind.

"I don't like this place…" Demyx whimpered, sounding like a small child.

"Don't be such a baby, Demy." Axel rolled his eyes and turned on the light.

As soon as Axel turned on the light, the eyes of both neophytes were forever scarred.

Saix was on the lab table, but that's not what shocked Demyx and Axel. He was on top of Xemnas. And they were doing what Axel and Roxas did under the couch in the Lounge That Never Was Part XXVII. The tongues of the younger Nobody was clearly trying to force play with Xemnas', but Xemnas wouldn't allow it. He had to be the dominant one, no matter what he was doing.

"What the _fuck!?_" Axel shrieked when he saw the two.

Xemnas sat bolt upright, sending Saix clear off the table and onto the floor.

"Hey, that hurt, you know?" Saix glared at the leader of Organization XIII.

"What the hell, Superior?!" Axel looked like he had seen a lewd image. And indeed he had.

"It's not like you don't do it with Roxas." Saix crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"But still!" Demyx was at a loss for words. "That's revolting!"

"I didn't think you'd know such a big word, Demyx." Axel smiled, earning himself a glare from the Melodious Nocturne.

"I'm not even going to bother explaining." Xemnas jumped off the lab table.

"It wouldn't matter, Superior." Axel shook his head, peridot eyes wide.

"Disgusting!" Demyx wailed, eyes pinched shut.

"Let's go find Marluxia, Demyx." Axel dragged Demyx off. "We need to tell him where Saix is."

The two made their exodus, leaving Saix alone with Xemnas.

"What was that about?" Saix frowned.

"Who cares?" Xemnas shrugged. "Now then, where were we?"

**This was great to write. Especially the ending. reviews?**

**next chapter: a problem with a certain female Nobody...**


	14. Female Nobodies and Power Outages

**Disclaimer: As much as I would love to own KH, i do not.**

**It's Mika-chan! Sorry for the long wait. I won't be able to update fanfics much anymore because I have two AP classes and they're working me pretty hard so far. I'll still update, but don't expect anything any time soon. Having said that, this is for MegaKiraraLover. I hope this is what you had in mind! Let the deadly tale continue!**

Lexaeus snuck through his bedroom door, opened his closet, pulled out his portable DVD player and placed it on the bed before pulling out a copy of _Dora the Explorer_ from under the mattress before he resumed watching the children's show. It was sad, really, that Lexaeus watched such ludicrous shows, but he had never been "all there" since the fruit incident.

A high-pitched scream rang throughout the Castle That Never Was. It wasn't high enough for Demyx and it wasn't paranoid enough for Vexen and/or Xaldin, so the Cloaked Schemer had to conclude that the scream belonged to Larxene.

This meant one of several things. Larxene could have accidentally walked through a water clone, tripped down the stairs, found Vexen's jar of mouldy jellyfish and/or killed something. It was most likely the first because Demyx set up random water clones on a regular basis, but it could very well be the fact that the Savage Nymph had killed something.

"_What have I told you about the clones, Demyx?!"_

Ah yes. The water clones: loved by Demyx yet hated by everyone else, especially Larxene and Axel because those two Nobodies couldn't get wet. Good to know, eh? But we all knew that.

Lexaeus didn't think much of the pleas from Demyx that followed. Nor did he dwell on the smashes that sounded above him. Only when he could smell smoke did Lexaeus start to worry.

Bolting out of his room, the Silent Hero sprinted through the corridor and up to the Lounge That Never Was Part XXXIV, where he saw Larxene, Demyx and Axel in the centre of a circle of fire. That's a good song. Anyway, Axel must've intervened and created said fire circle to prevent any further damage. Lexaeus didn't get the whole gist of the conversation, but he could definitely hear Larxene's shrieks. Who couldn't? Soon enough, however, the fire diminished and the three Nobodies came into full sight.

"What happened now?" Lexaeus asked warily.

"She walked through a water clone." Axel said.

"A bit of an overreaction, Larxene?" Lexaeus raised an eyebrow as he noticed the smashed windows. "You don't usually smash windows."

"Just shut up, Lexaeus, before I make _Xemnas_ seem calm." Larxene said the Superior's name with murderous intent before storming off into a portal of sandy-black darkness.

"So what _really _happened?" Lexaeus asked, trying to ignore the fact that his brain was playing the theme to _Out of the Box_.

"Just what I said. Larxene walked through a water clone." Axel said, creating fire and making it spin around his body.

"And how big was this?" Lexaeus frowned.

"Just a normal size." Demyx said, speaking for the first time.

"And she overreacted _that_ much?" Even though he was _very_ mentally challenged, Lexaeus found this hard to believe.

"I guess so." Axel shrugged.

"Larxene's been on-edge for a while lately." Demyx mused as he walked over the broken glass from a smashed TV.

"Maybe…" Axel frowned, a puzzled expression on his face.

"What is it?" Demyx looked at the Flurry of Dancing Flames in confusion.

"Nah, it's nothing." Axel shook it off. "She's just paranoid."

* * *

A midnight-black portal was created in the room of a certain sadistic Nobody and said Nobody burst forth from that portal. Larxene was _very_ mad, to say the least. She _hated _walking though water clones, but she hated this week. Nothing had gone right.

First, she had tripped down the stairs whilst carrying Vexen's explosives, which was an interesting light show for all to see. Second, she almost sliced her hand off in the process of cutting lettuce. That was partially Xigbar's fault because he decided to sneak up on her and scream in her ear. Third, she walked through a total of seventy-two water clones from Demyx. Yet these things hardly held light to the thing that made her week so bad that she wanted to commit suicide by means of hanging.

It was "that" week.

She hated it, really, that she was the only Nobody that had to deal with this issue, but she couldn't vent her anger and frustration out in a way that was acceptable and wouldn't get kicked out of Organization XIII. If she could, she would have burnt the Castle That Never Was That Was Too Big To Be Considered Much Of Anything ages ago. But she couldn't really do that, now could she? It would be entertaining, though.

In any case, Larxene was just waiting for the week to be over. In an attempt to make this process go faster, she curled up in her bed and closed her eyes in an attempt to fall asleep.

* * *

"Demyx, what did you do?"

Zexion, Saix, Luxord, Demyx and Marluxia were sitting in the Lounge That Never Was Part XIV doing random activities. Zexion was reading the X volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, Luxord and Saix were playing Egyptian Rat Screw, Demyx was playing random songs on his sitar and Marluxia was transplanting Ageratums that he had crossbred with Venus Fly Traps. All was going well, or as well as it could, until the lights went out. Naturally, the Nobodies blamed the Melodious Nocturne.

"Why do you guys always blame me, huh?" Demyx asked, though his fingers were strumming on his sitar.

"Because you're an easy scapegoat." Saix shrugged.

Axel's cry of _"What the fuck?!_" rang throughout the Castle and the Flurry of Dancing Flames could be seen virtually seconds later storming into the room.

"What the fuck did you do, Demyx?" Axel's peridot eyes were slits.

"I didn't do anything!" Demyx wailed.

"How can I read in the dark?" Zexion demanded.

"You can't, smart-ass." Luxord's British accent always made insults sound better.

"Did someone mess with the power box again?" Xemnas' voice could be heard as the Superior entered the room.

"How should I know?" Axel was obviously upset with the lack of power.

"Maybe Vexen had something to do with it." Xemnas said. "In any case, someone go find Larxene."

"Why Larxene?" Saix asked.

"Because she can use her lightning to fix the power, idiot." Marluxia's voice cut through the darkness like a knife.

"So go get her, Demyx." Axel said.

"Me?!" Demyx yelped. "She'll kill me!"

"Ok, fine. I'll do it." Axel said as he stormed out of the Lounge and made his way to the seventh floor where he proceeded to entering Larxene's room. When he saw that the Savage Nymph was asleep, he considered letting her sleep. A fraction of a second later, he realized that he wanted to get back to his video game that he had been playing before the power outage, so he had to wake Larxene. "Larxene, the power went out."

"What do you want me to do about it?" Larxene was obviously unhappy with the fact that she was being awakened.

"Xemnas says that you need to fix it." Axel said cautiously, knowing that Larxene was horrible when she was mad. But who doesn't know this?

Larxene growled for a second before saying, "Fine. But then I'm going back to sleep. Got it?"

"Memorized." Axel couldn't help the smirk that formed on his lips.

Larxene rolled her eyes and left the room. Axel followed behind her, creating flames with every footfall so he could see where he was going. She had been somewhat bearable this time. The last time Axel had awakened Larxene, Axel had been electrocuted so badly he was almost unrecognisable. She really needed to learn how to control her anger.

* * *

The next morning, Zexion was sitting at the table in the Kitchen That Never Was, reading a Latin-English dictionary. He'd already read it several times, but that hadn't stopped him before, now had it?

Zexion heard footsteps before he saw Larxene enter the room, yawning hugely, obviously having just woken up. Now it was almost eleven in the morning, mind you. Well, I'm hardly out of bed by noon sometimes. In any case, Zexion was surprised to see Larxene awake at this hour, seeing as she usually slept in until one in the afternoon.

"You're up early." Zexion gave a rare smile.

"What of it?" Larxene snapped as she raided the fridge.

"You ok today?" Zexion asked hesitantly.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Larxene hissed before she made her grand exodus.

After Larxene left, Zexion was left alone. Well, duh! He was alone before she came in, wasn't he? In any case, Zexion allowed the confusing thought to enter his mind, the thought that had taken over before Larxene stormed in. This though involved Lexaeus, that crazy yet loveable Nobody. What was a nice way to tell him…

**This was interesting to write. If anyone wants anything added, let me know. The next chapter will be unusual for me to write, to say the least. I have one more to write for MegaKiraraLover, but I might merge it in with the next chapter. I dunno. reviews?**

**next chapter: poor Lexaeus...**


	15. Ersatz Heartbreak

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Bill Kaulitz or Tokio Hotel, Dir en Grey...ok, you get the point, huh?**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! This is the last chapter MegaKiraraLover requested, but there's a part in here that I added myself. I had a lot of fun writing this. I wanted to update this sooner, but my dad made me go driving for two hours...on with the deadly tale!**

If one had never been to the Library That Never Was, they would be shocked at the amount of books in this very spacious room. There were also a plethora of computers that had to be hidden from Saix whenever he went Berserk. Just what we all want, huh?

Zexion was in this ridiculously large room, trying to sort out his dilemma. This would be no problem for some, but Zexion had had no experience in these matters. No, Zexion wasn't going to blow up the Castle That Never Was That Probably _Should_ Be Blown Up, nor was he about to rape Xigbar.

He was going to break up with Lexaeus.

It wasn't that Zexion didn't love the Silent Hero. He just hated having such a high-maintenance boyfriend. Lexaeus could barely function at the level of a third grader, let alone terrorize people!

But how was the proper way to do this? Even though he was breaking up with him, Zexion didn't want to break Lexaeus' heart. Well, if he had a heart.

In an attempt to find an answer to his problem, Zexion had retreated to the Library That Never Was. He had found nothing so far, but maybe this was because he was looking at a book on the history of Croatia, having just finished a book on computer science. Well, Zexion, maybe if you looked in a book that was even _remotely_ related to your problem, I'm sure you'd find an answer.

Frustrated from his elongated search, Zexion slammed the book shut and stormed out of the Library in the direction of the Game Room to vent his anger at the foosball table.

* * *

Lexaeus was in his room watching _The Angry Beavers_ when the door opened and Zexion walked in, carrying an armful of books.

"What's up, Zexion?" Lexaeus asked, turning off the DVD player and shoving it under the bed.

"It's a full moon and Saix's gone Berserk." Zexion said.

"Which kind?" Lexaeus was well aware that Saix had two Berserk states.

"The _other_ one." Zexion shuddered.

"So why are you here?" Lexaeus asked.

"I was just telling you." Zexion said. "And I wanted to tell you something else."

"Well, what is it?" Lexaeus was eager to get back to his cartoons.

"There's no easy way to tell you this, Lexaeus, but…I'm breaking up with you." Zexion said.

"Wait…you're what?" Lexaeus looked at the Cloaked Schemer in disbelief.

"I'm breaking up with you." Zexion said.

"Why, Zexy?!" Lexaeus wailed so loudly that the badgers in Latvia could hear him. "Why are you leaving me?!"

"It's not because I don't love you, Lexaeus…" Zexion tried to say.

"Then what is it?" Lexaeus demanded.

"I just think it's better for…for your mental health." Zexion said quickly.

"My mental health is just fine." Lexaeus snapped.

Sure, Lexaeus. Because _normal_ people go around and watch children's shows whilst pretending to be masculine. Yeah, that's normal.

"I just think it's better for you if we're apart." Zexion said.

"I'm fine the way I am." Lexaeus said fiercely.

"Lexaeus, what does megalomaniacal mean?" Zexion asked.

"_What_?!" Lexaeus' jaw dropped so low that a lion could easily walk inside.

"Exactly." Zexion nodded and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"_No_ one knows what that means!" Lexaeus shrieked.

"I do." Zexion shrugged.

"You read too much." Lexaeus glared. "But my mental health is fine enough for us to be together."

"You don't see things the way I do, Lexaeus." Zexion said. "I really don't want to do this, but it's the only way…"

"It's not my fault 'the fruit incident' happened, ok?" Lexaeus' voice sounded pleading.

"I know it's not." Zexion said softly. "But it's better this way."

And with that, Zexion left the room feeling absolutely horrible for what he had just done.

* * *

Elsewhere in The Castle That Never Was That Was Probably Big Enough To Have Its Own Zip Code, a certain blonde neophyte was cowering in fear against the wall in a darkened room, flashlight in hand, though it was not on, and fearing for his non-existent life.

Where the hell was Axel when he needed him?

As soon as Roxas thought this, the door creaked open, allowing a thin strip of light to come in. A tall shadowy figure was in the doorway and Roxas screeched like Dir en Grey had announced that they would be singing in French about romance. Hey, _I_ would be terrified if I heard that Dir en Grey was singing songs in French about romance.

"Calm down, Roxas. It's just me." Axel said.

Roxas breathed a sigh of relief and allowed the pyro to wrap his arm around his shoulder.

"Dammit, Axel. Can you knock first?" Roxas' non-existent heart was racing.

"With Saix Berserk? I'd sooner shave Xaldin's head." Axel's voice had a laughing sound.

"Eh, I guess that's true." Roxas smiled, snuggling against Axel's chest.

"Hey, Roxas, did you hear about Lexaeus and Zexion?" Axel asked.

"No, what happened?" Roxas questioned.

"They broke up." Axel said.

"What? When? Why?" Roxas always asked too many questions.

"Well, I don't know all the details, but apparently Zexion thinks that Lexaeus' mental health would be better if he left him. Lexaeus tried to pretend that it was fine, but you know how Lexy is." Axel said.

"Yeah, don't we all…" Roxas rolled his eyes.

A loud shriek sounded from the lower levels of the Castle That Never Was That Could Hold An Entire Fucking City. This could mean one of two things: either Saix had attacked Marluxia or Vexen had cut his head off. I hope it was the latter. I _loath_ Vexen with a passion.

In this case, however, it was the former. Who knew that Marluxia's shriek sounded like Bill Kaulitz in the English version of _Scream_? I certainly never would have guessed it.

"I guess we should go find Marly, huh?" Axel made to stand up.

"Don't leave me!" Roxas pleaded, clinging to his lover.

"Okay, fine." Roxas was _so_ sure he could hear Axel's smile.

The scream sounded again, only this time it sounded like the series of shrieks at the end of _Dozing Green_ by Dir en Grey. Well, maybe a little paranoid then that.

"Okay, _now_ we need to go get him." Axel stood up.

"Then I'm coming with you." Roxas said.

The two ventured out to the corridor, sneaking around like spies. It was terrifying, really, when Saix went Berserk. They never knew when the blue-haired Nobody would strike. And it had already been determined by Xaldin that Saix had gone into his second form of Berserkness. I bet you didn't know that Saix had two stages of Berserk, huh?

In any case, a loud shriek from Xigbar rang throughout the Castle That Never Was That Must Have Really Great Acoustics If One Could Hear Xigbar Shriek When He Was In The Lounge That Never Was Part XXXXIX. Wow, that's a sentence long enough to kill Vexen. I _really_ should stop torturing the guy.

But that's beside the point.

drives point home by sneaking down to the Lab That Never Was with a stake and stabbing Vexen through the heart

Excuse the lame humour. And I'm sure vampire fans everywhere know the significance of the stake. Go vampires!

Ah hem. Back with the story, ne?

The shriek terrified Roxas so much that he flung the nearest door open and dove inside, Axel not far behind him. However, they weren't expecting the sight that they saw.

The room was apparently Demyx's because the ivory walls were covered in different posters for bands like Children of Bodom, Dir en Grey, System of a Down and the like. How did Axel and Roxas know this? Because the lights were on, which was _very_ unwise when the Castle That Never Was was on lock-down. This, however, wasn't what shocked either of the neophytes.

Zexion and Demyx were on the floor, arms wrapped around each other, mouths intertwined. It appeared that Zexion had gotten over his break-up with Lexaeus very quickly.

"What the fuck?!" Axel was well known for dropping the F-bomb at loud decibel levels.

Zexion and Demyx broke apart and looked at Roxas and Axel in eternal horror.

"What the hell?!" Axel yelped.

"It's not what it looks like…" Zexion tried to explain as he stood.

"You mean you _weren't_ having sex with Demyx on the floor?" Roxas raised an eyebrow.

"Ok, it _is_ what it looks like." Zexion shrugged, pulling the Melodious Nocturne.

"Is this why you broke up with Lexaeus?" Axel demanded, sending a burst of flame dancing up his leg.

"Partially…" Zexion grinned sheepishly.

"I thought it was because of Lexaeus' mental health?" Demyx frowned.

"Eh, that too." Zexion said.

"Well, did you guys hear that shriek?" Axel tried to change the subject.

"Oh, Xiggy?" Demyx frowned.

"Um, yeah!" Roxas exclaimed.

"Don't you think we should do something?" Axel had now summoned his chakram and they were dancing around his body in a gravity-defying act.

"We'll let the Superior deal with him." Zexion shrugged.

* * *

Larxene was sitting in her darkened room, the only light coming from the computer monitor in front of her. The Savage Nymph was trying to watch some videos on YouTube, but it was hard to watch a video when the shrieks from Xigbar, Xaldin, Marluxia and/or Vexen could be heard from various levels of the Castle That Never Was.

The door opened behind her, but Larxene didn't pay much attention. Only when she heard the footsteps behind her did Larxene dare to turn around.

"Saix!" Larxene shrieked as the Luna Diviner tackle-glomped her.

"What, Larxy?" Saix asked, calling Larxene by the name she hated.

"One, stop calling me Larxy." Larxene smacked Saix upside the head. "And two, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Found you, Saix."

Marluxia, Roxas and Axel were now in the doorway, Roxas holding onto the Flurry of Dancing Flames for dear life.

"Saix, you know you have to be in that cage." Marluxia commanded, locking the Luna Diviner's wrists in handcuffs.

"But I hate the cage, Marly." Saix whined.

"But it's for your own good, you know." Marluxia said, leading Saix out of the room, leaving Axel and Roxas behind to argue with the Savage Nymph.

"What are you two doing here?" Larxene demanded.

"I dunno." Axel frowned. "Roxas, what are we doing here?"

"_Out_!" Larxene screamed, to which Axel and Roxas responded by bolting out of the room and into Axel's.

"What now?" Roxas asked.

"Do you remember what we were doing this afternoon?" Axel asked.

"Having sex under your bed?" Roxas frowned.

"Why don't we continue that?" a wicked grin spread across Axel's lips.

"Can't argue with you there." Roxas smiled in response.

Well, you can't say you haven't learned something today! Saix has two stages of Berserk: paranoid and glomping. Just what we wanted to know, ne? Now show your support for this story by reviewing!

**You guys have no right to complain. this was a few pages longer than usual. soi yes, there will be Zemyx now. I hope I've made some Zemyx fangirls happy. review?**

**next chapter: just how old is Roxas?**


	16. New World Organization

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything I mentioned. I'd LIKE to own Kingdom Hearts, however, this is not possible.**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! I came up with this idea when I was in Journalism one day. Kinda makes you think about the Organization. And I read that RE:CoM is coming out in English...is this just a rumour? Because I REALLY want to get it in English...anyway, on with the deadly tale!**

Down in the Lab That Never Was That Was Freezing Enough To Resemble Antarctica Without The Addition Of Polar Bears And/Or Penguins, Vexen and Marluxia were laying on that poor abused lab table. If that table was alive, I'm sure that it would have committed suicide a _long_ time ago. That's how often if was used for gay sex. I say gay because Larxene, being the only woman, doesn't screw around with anyone.

In any case, the Chilly Academic and the Graceful Assassin were underneath a blanket atop the lab table, having just finished a very rigorous sex session. Vexen was trying to take a nap, but Marluxia was preventing him from doing so.

"Will you be shutting up anytime soon?" Vexen glared at Marluxia.

"I'm serious, Vexen!" Marluxia exclaimed.

"Serious about what?" Vexen asked testily.

"We should re-name Organization XIII!" Marluxia said.

"What, we'd be Organization XXVII?" Vexen raised an eyebrow. "May I ask where we'd get the other members?"

"No, I mean another name other than the Organization." Marluxia said.

"What do you mean?" Vexen asked, still lost in the dark that was very abundant seeing as they were living in the World That Never Was.

"Instead of being Organization XIII, we could be the Killer Puppy Squad!" Marluxia grinned.

"That's something that Demyx would come up with." Vexen rolled his eyes.

"Then you think of something!" Marluxia exclaimed.

"I don't feel like it." Vexen said with a tone that told Marluxia that the conversation was over.

* * *

Xemnas sat alone in his office, wondering what he should do with his free time that he so rarely obtained. Hey, it's hard being the leader of twelve Nobodies! Especially when they have supernatural abilities that can kill people.

Number One walked over to his closet where he kept his golf clubs, balls and a little pink cup where the ball would go. After setting up the course, Xemnas whacked the ball so hard that it smashed through the door and Axel could be heard cursing up a storm a few yards away, where the ball had inevitably smacked him in the back of the head. Then again, Axel curses at just about anything.

Feeling slightly degraded, Xemnas abandoned his game and retreated to the Lounge That Never Was Part XXVIII with high hopes for better company. He found Saix watching _Family Guy_ on the wide screen TV, bag of Bold Party Chex-Mix in hand.

"Mind if I join you, Saix?" Xemnas asked, as he sat down on the couch and reached into the bag of snack food.

"Um…sure, Superior." Saix said as he changed the channel to find _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ on some other channel.

"Which episode?" Xemnas asked.

"How should I know?" Saix snapped. "I just got here, didn't I?"

"It appears to be an episode in the third season." Xemnas said. "Maybe Zuko has joined forces with everyone else by now."

"Then why did you ask me?" Saix glared at Xemnas.

"Because you're fun to annoy." Xemnas grinned.

"You just like the fact that I can't piss you off." Saix glared.

"Yep." Xemnas nodded.

* * *

In the Shooting Range That Never Was, Xigbar was having a high and mighty time shooting his gun-arrows at random objects. Like cardboard cutouts of teddy bears, for instance. The Free Shooter was cackling manically (man, I love that word) when a very perturbed Roxas stepped into the room.

"What, Roxas?" Xigbar sighed as he lowered his weapon.

"Axel wanted me to tell you that one of Marluxia's plants is on a rampage." Roxas said fearfully.

"Are you sure it's not one of Vexen's experiments?" Xigbar frowned.

"It's a dragon flower that was crossbred with poison sumac." Roxas said.

"That'd be Marly." Xigbar shook his head. "Ok, Roxas. I'll come check it out."

"Axel's trying to deal with it, but Demyx keeps getting in the way." Roxas explained as the two left the range and headed up to the Conservatory That Never Was, located on the eleventh floor.

"What's he doing?" Xigbar rested his gun against his shoulder.

"He tries to help by adding water, but that makes the whole situation worse." Roxas said.

Suddenly, a loud rendition of something by Mariah Carey was being sung by none other than number III himself. Rolling his good eye, Xigbar sidetracked and opened the nearest door from which the sound had come.

Xaldin was singing into a hairbrush, sounding like Bill Kaulitz had been forced to sing a combination of the Russian and Finnish languages. The stereo was blasting the horrifically loud song and Xaldin apparently hadn't noticed the intrusion of II and XIII.

"Quit being a diva, Xaldin." Xigbar said after he turned off the stereo.

"I'm not being a diva, Xigbar." Xaldin glared at the Free Shooter. "I'm a model!"

"Whatever, dude." Xigbar shook his head sadly and followed  
Roxas up to the Conservatory.

Their eyes met complete and utter chaos. And not the kind of chaos like the Apocalypse or even the Underworld. No, this was _much_ worse than that.

The whole room smelt of burning rubber. Maybe this was because one of Marluxia's rubber trees was on fire, but hey, there could be other reasons. Small fires were scattered around the room, mingling with shattered glass from the stained glass windows. A Venus Fly Trap that was crossbred with a seahorse was now devouring a kangaroo plushie and the Dragon Winged Begonias were wrestling with the roses amongst the flames.

"Watch it, Axel!"

Xigbar and Roxas raced into the other side of the Conservatory That Never Was to find Demyx hanging from a Japanese cherry tree, watching fearfully as Axel threw his blazing chakram at the destructive plant.

"I got him, Axel." Roxas said.

"Thanks. Xigbar, can you shoot this thing?" Axel said, jumping to the side as the deranged flower tried to ingest some fertilizer.

"No problem." Xigbar took aim at the plant and started firing.

Crimson gun-arrows were raining from the ceiling for one reason or another, even though Xigbar was shooting with his gun. Demyx retreated under a large pot whilst Axel grabbed Roxas and the two hid underneath a flowering shrub.

"Watch it, Xigbar!" Demyx screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Don't tell me to watch it, Demyx, when you send your water clones in random directions." Xigbar shouted back. "I still haven't forgotten the time in Hollow Bastion."

"That _wasn't_ my fault, okay?!" Demyx yelled.

"Just kill the thing already!" Axel managed to shout above everyone else, which is a statement to boast about when Xigbar was making enough noise for the Keyblade Master to hear in Twilight Town.

Twenty minutes later, the Conservatory fell silent. Demyx was still cowering in fear under the flowerpot and Axel was trying to pry Roxas away from the safety of the shrub. Xigbar was grinning from ear to ear, flicking a stray bullet in the air, completely oblivious to the mass of casings scattered around him.

And there, lying motionless on the floor, cut up in so many pieces that it could have been mistaken for a salad, was the plant.

"That was torture, Xigbar." Roxas said when he finally ventured forth from the shrub.

"Remind me not to go on any missions with him." Axel said.

"So what do we do with the remains?" Demyx asked as he clambered out from underneath the pot.

"Hide them from Marluxia." Axel said. "Isn't that obvious?"

"Yeah." Demyx said. "It should be."

"Then why did you ask?" Roxas asked, clinging to Axel's arm.

"Because I can." Demyx grinned.

"Whatever, losers. I'm heading back to the gun range." Xigbar shouldered his weapon again before he walked out of the room.

* * *

One of the things that no one liked about being in the Organization was the fact that meetings were held about three times a day. Zexion had counted one day that a meeting had been called seventy-two times in the span of ten minutes. That sounds like a lot.

In any case, the so-called "feared" Organization was sitting in the ridiculously large room now known as the Room Where Nothing Gathers. A few of the Nobodies were starting to doze off, since Xemnas' monotonous drone could do that to just about anyone. All of the Nobodies, however, perked up when they heard the question from Xemnas that they loved to hear.

"Does anyone else have anything to say before we end this meeting?"

At once, Marluxia's hand shot up in the air and the Graceful Assassin started waving it around like a first grader.

Xemnas sighed and said, "What, Marluxia?"

Marluxia took a deep breath before continuing.

"I believe we should change the name of Organization XIII."

"Don't you dare, Marluxia…" Vexen glared at his lover.

"What do you mean?" Luxord was almost sober from the huge amount of alcohol he had recently consumed, so he was still a bit off.

"Why do we have to be the Organization?" Marluxia questioned.

"Well, what else would we be?" Zexion didn't bother looking up from his book on the Industrial Revolution.

"The Killer Puppy Squad!" Marluxia exclaimed.

All fell silent in the room newly dubbed the Room Where Nothing Gathers. Almost everyone gaped at Marluxia except for Vexen, who had buried his face in his hands from embarrassment, and Luxord, who had passed out again.

"What the fuck?!" Axel yelped.

"Couldn't have said it better myself." Larxene nodded.

"Where the _hell_ did you get that idea?" Axel demanded.

"I like it!" Demyx exclaimed.

"Demyx, what have you ingested and who gave it to you?" Xaldin looked at XI in horror.

"Nothing." Demyx grinned.

"I think the Residents Of Evil sound better." Roxas said. "I mean, the whole thing is stupid, but we could at least have a fearful name."

"Residents Of Evil sounds just as stupid as the first one." Xigbar said.

"What would you suggest then?" Saix raised an eyebrow.

"The Elite Nobodies!" Xigbar grinned.

"We need something more…fearful, as Roxas said." Xemnas said.

"What's wrong with mine?" Xigbar demanded.

"It's too dull." Larxene had whipped out _Marquis de Sade_ once again.

"No, its not!" Xigbar threw a bullet at the Savage Nymph.

"Stop throwing bullets, Xigbar." Xemnas ordered.

"How about the Flames of Tyranny?" Axel suggested.

"Not everyone is a pyro like you, Axel, so…no." Lexaeus shot that one down.

"Why are we even thinking this over?" Vexen wanted to know.

"Because your stupid boyfriend thought of it." Axel said.

"Wuzz goin on?" Luxord had at last regained consciousness.

"Just pass out again, Luxord." Larxene said. "You're too far out of it."

And Luxord did just that. This time, however, he fell out of his nonsensically high chair and landed on the floor with a dull thud.

"God dammit, Luxord." Xaldin shook his head sadly. "Go get him, Demyx."

"Why me?" Demyx whined.

"Because he said so." Zexion said.

Scowling, Demyx jumped down from his chair, grabbed the unconscious Luxord, brought him back to his chair, and returned to his own in no less than thirty seconds.

"Shall we continue?" Marluxia suggested.

"No." nearly every single Nobody save for Luxord and Demyx said.

"Why not?" Marluxia whined.

"Because its stupid. That's why." Axel had created a fireball and it was now spinning around the room at supersonic speeds.

"So this concludes our meeting." Xemnas said.

"You said that the last fifty-three times." Vexen glared at the Superior.

"Those were essential meetings." Xemnas said.

"The one where you wanted to know where the toothpaste was?" Roxas raised an eyebrow.

"And the one where you needed someone to clean up some grapefruit juice in the Game Room?" Lexaeus added.

"And the one where you lost your iPod?" Saix chimed in.

"Okay, I get it." Xemnas glowered at his Nobodies. "We will conclude this meeting for now, baring any unforeseen accidents."

"So no skateboarding on the roof, Demyx." Roxas grinned.

"Aw, man!" Demyx whined.

"So are we dismissed?" Axel asked.

"You are dismissed." Xemnas said.

All of the Nobodies jumped eagerly from their chairs, talking amongst themselves how stupid that idea of Marluxia's had been.

**Man, I loved this one. I hope everyone liked it. review?**

**next chapter: Demyx's mission: how old is Roxas?**


	17. What's My Age Again?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Organization XIII or Kingdom Hearts. If I owned them, all of this would be happening.**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! I got this one up quickly, huh? Let me know how I'm doing. I'm still new at this and I need to know what I can do to improve. That being said...on with the deadly tale!**

If one had never known any of the members of Organization XIII when they were humans, they would most likely question their age, as any sensible person would. Many a person have wondered if Vexen is as old as he looks or if it's the effect of smelling too many chemicals to count. Still, one question always seemed to bother people, Nobodies and non-Nobodies alike.

Just how old was Roxas?

The kid looked like he was about fourteen, but he acted like he was much older. I don't know why I'm using past tense here, but who cares?

Anyway…

One of the most popular, yet completely unrealistic, ideas is that Roxas is a space alien and can change his appearance at will; Demyx added the last part whilst Luxord contributed the first. This, however, shouldn't be taken seriously since the Gambler of Fate was as high as a kite when he thought of this.

In any case, Roxas' age always bothered many in the Organization, yet no one confronted the neophyte about it. Maybe they wanted to believe that Roxas still contained his childish innocence, but that was next to impossible when he was with Axel all the time. That man can scar minds, I tell you. Just the other day he brainwashed Lexaeus by showing him the uncensored video of _Obscure_ by Dir en Grey. This prompts another question.

Just how old is Axel?

He certainly doesn't look young enough to be dating Roxas; their relationship looks criminal because of this. And he doesn't act quite like his age should be. Did that sentence make any sense at all? It didn't? Well, welcome to my world.

So Demyx was on a mission (from God, of course) to determine the ages of the two Nobodies in question. First, he had to do some research.

So the Melodious Nocturne now found himself in the Library That Never Was, his eyes plastered to a computer screen, reading the nonsensically small print about how coyotes in Montana are dying off. Demyx isn't really known for concentration. Maybe he should take my ADD meds for me. I change topic too much, huh? Well, I'm getting a headache and couldn't care less at this point.

Demyx soon realized that he wasn't going to find any information from his search. This _should_ have been obvious, but Demyx isn't the brightest of Nobodies, now is he? So he decided to change websites and thus found himself reading about the endangered tree frogs of Malaysian rain forests.

When his search produced no answers (as was predicted), Demyx left the Library That Never Was in search of Nobodies to question about the dreadfully important topic at hand.

* * *

Even though he was known as the Gambler of Fate, Luxord had absolutely no luck whatsoever.

Number X was in his room, a lit cigarette in hand, playing poker with one of his Gambler Nobodies. The Nobody in question was winning by one hundred seventy-two dollars and sixty-three cents. And Luxord was already over a million dollars in debt.

He had decided on giving up the hand and had walked out to the Corridor That Never Existed (do note that it Never Was; a lovely change on my part, if I do say so myself) when a large explosion rocked the Castle, causing the Gambler of Fate to fall over and smash into a priceless vase from Ancient Greece.

As Luxord stared at the shards of glass on the senseless ivory floors, another explosion could be heard, though it was not as loud as the first one, and shouts could be heard throughout the Castle. The first of these was Vexen, whilst the other sounded like a cat in a leaf shredder, so it had to be Marluxia, though since there were neither cats nor leaf shredders in the World That Never Was, this statement was hard to prove.

"Do you know what you're doing, Vexen?"

"Stop messing with the stuff already. You'll blow up the lab."

"Forget the lab, what about the castle, huh?"

"Stop licking my ear, Marluxia!"

Luxord promptly squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to block out the lewd mental image, but to no avail. He raced from the corridor up to the Pool That Never Was in an attempt to ignore the shouts from IV and XI. Demyx was in the pool, swimming laps with his water clones.

"Did you hear the explosion?" Luxord took a drag on his cigarette before flicking it into a nearby ashtray.

"Nope!" Of course not.

"How could you not hear it?" Luxord frowned.

"I dunno." Demyx shrugged as one of the water clones evaporated. "Hey, do know how old Roxas is?"

"16, right?" Luxord shrugged.

"And what about Axel?" Demyx wanted to know.

"How would I know?" Luxord exclaimed. "But he looks too old to be dating Roxas, that's for sure." He looked suspiciously at the neophyte. "Why?"

"No reason." Demyx said which made Luxord all the more suspicious, but he dropped the subject anyway.

* * *

One of the many things Zexion liked about going to the Library The Never Was was the peace and quiet. Well, it was normally quiet. Xemnas and Saix were having sex _really_ loudly in the Game Room That Never Was Part XXXXXXVII. This was at least four floors below him.

Zexion had finished his book on Polish sausage when he decided to find another book to occupy his time. Using a computer, he found a book that he wanted: a book on the history of desks. Hey, it sounds boring to me, but Zexion will read just about anything short of porn and political pamphlets.

When he reached the shelf in question, his eyes scanned the titles for the book he wanted. In the place where the book usually was, however, was a book on topiary. It seems that Demyx had been in the Library recently. Since there were a number of books on sitars scattered around, Zexion assumed that this was a fair conclusion to make.

The Cloaked Schemer picked up his book and went to put it back on the right shelf. When he reached it, however, he found a book on the Spanish Inquisition in its place. When this was returned, a book on the wives of Henry VIII, focusing on how Anne Boleyn was related to him in more ways than one, was found to be taking up the space required. Confused, Zexion had to conclude that Demyx had messed with his books. The Melodious Nocturne was notorious for this. Once when he was bored, Demyx had rearranged all of Axel's cds. When the Flurry of Dancing Flames went to look for screamo, he found himself looking at Russian polka. Not what I'd want to listen to.

Poor Zexion spent a quarter of an hour finding all of the missing books and another hour putting them back on the right shelf. Then he went off in search of his book on desks. However, when he went to look for it, he found that it was missing, probably out of place again. Go figure.

* * *

The Kitchen That Never Was wasn't always on the twelfth floor. It used to be outside so Axel could cook steaks outside without burning the place down. It _was_ burnt down, however, when a drunken Luxord decided to pour motor oil, lighter fluid and isopropyl alcohol on the coals in the grill before walking away with biting nonchalance. So when Axel and Saix decided to start the grill, the whole thing blew up, thus giving Saix the scar on his face. Or so the story goes. I've heard that it was caused by flesh-eating ducks, but I could be wrong.

So this was where Larxene was making her lunch: salmon soup. Larxene isn't a very good cook, mind you, and I understand that salmon is _very_ hard to make. So after the seventh try, the Savage Nymph gave up completely and decided to try making some simple noodle soup. She was pouring in teriyaki sauce of all things when Axel ventured inside from the target range outside.

"What are you making, Larxene?" Axel wrinkled his nose at the rather putrid smell.

"I _was_ making salmon." Larxene said, now adding the noodles into the mix.

"You hate salmon." Axel commented.

"What of it?" Larxene glared at the Flurry of Dancing Flames, who once again retreated outside.

It wasn't long, however, before an array of aromas filled the room, smelling like a nuclear power plant had committed suicide. Larxene had to pinch her nose to keep from throwing up on the spot whilst Saix portaled into the room with the usual eruption of sandy black darkness.

"Hey, Larxene." Saix said as Axel could be heard gagging outside, obviously smelling the Luna Diviner.

"Saix, how many scented products have you used today?" Larxene choked.

"Why?" Saix asked, obviously confused.

"Because you smell terrible!" Larxene coughed violently.

"Mint toothpaste, apple lotion, cinnamon mouthwash, island breeze soap, cucumber melon hair gel, juniper body spray," Saix counted off on his fingers, "green tea deodorant, pumpkin spiking gel, raspberry gum, peach-mango air freshener and some of those super-sour lemon candy things that Marluxia gets from the black market."

Larxene looked at Saix with a mixed look of fury and confusion. Why in the _world_ would any sane person use that many scented products? Then again, who was she to know the answers?

"Just get out before you kill Axel." Larxene said, for Axel had started coughing quite violently outside.

"Fine, I see how it is." Saix glared at Larxene and walked sulkily out of the room.

Larxene had turned her attention to the soup for no more than five minutes when Demyx walked into the room. The Melodious Nocturne stopped and sniffed the air, no doubt taking in the unusual array of smells to fill his nose.

"What's that smell?" Demyx asked.

"Saix was just here. What do you want?" Larxene asked.

"How old is Roxas?" Demyx wanted to know.

"16."

"And Axel?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Because he looks too old to be with Roxas!" Demyx exclaimed.

"Like I know how old Captain Pyro is." Larxene rolled her eyes.

"Well, I'll go ask Vexen." Demyx said. "Maybe he'll know."

"Yeah, you do that." Larxene said as Demyx made his exodus.

* * *

Once he had recovered from the overwhelming array of smells, Axel retreated to the Lounge That Never Was Part XXXIII where he found Roxas playing something on his PSP, trying to ignore the sound of Lexaeus lifting weights in the nearby weight room.

"What's up, Roxie?" Axel grinned as he walked in.

"I hate that name, you know." Roxas glowered at the redhead.

"You in a bad mood?" Axel frowned, flopping down on the couch next to the blonde.

"I just hate that name." Roxas said, the cerulean eyes returning to the gaming device in front of him.

"Well, _The Blair Witch Project _is supposed to be on." Axel said quite randomly and turned on the TV.

What he didn't expect to find, however, was a children's show in which usually inanimate objects sang in a circle while holding hands. Axel stared at the screen with a look of pure horror on his face and said, "Roxas…"

"What, Axel?" Roxas wasn't aware of the terror on the TV.

"What is this?" Axel asked slowly.

"What's what?" Roxas looked at the TV screen.

When the azure eyes found the screen, they widened with horror and the mouth fell agape at the terrifying sights before him.

"Turn it off!" Roxas screamed as he dove for the remote on the floor.

Axel, however, reached it first. He stupidly slammed his foot down on the device, rendering it inoperable. It did, however, turn the TV off.

"Axel, you idiot." Roxas shook his head sadly at the actions of his lover.

"At least it's off." Axel beamed.

"But now the remote's broken!" Roxas exclaimed. "And you could've just changed the channel!"

"Whatever." Axel shrugged as he whipped his iPod out of his pocket and jammed the headphones in his ears.

"And now you're listening to music, which means you'll start dancing in a matter of moments." Roxas said dully as he returned to his game.

After several uneventful moments passed, Demyx rushed into the room looking like he was trying to outrun a killer mouse. When he saw VIII and XIII, however, he skidded to a halt on the (surprise!) ivory rug and thus crashed into the china cabinet.

"You're cleaning it up." Roxas said. Axel apparently hadn't heard the crash since the Roxas could hear the music from the iPod from the other end of the couch.

"I'm so glad I found you guys!" Demyx exclaimed joyfully.

"What do you want?" Roxas sighed.

"How old are you?" Demyx asked.

"16." Roxas replied in a confused manner.

"And how old is Axel?" Demyx questioned.

"Huh. I've never bothered to ask." Roxas said. "How old are you, Axel?"

But Axel didn't hear the Key of Destiny. He was currently listening to _Broken Sunday_ by Saliva and was lost in his own fiery world.

"Axel!" Roxas yelled as he yanked the headphones out of Axel's ears.

"What?!" Axel yelped, obviously annoyed.

"How old are you?" Demyx asked.

"I'm not telling." Axel said, still peeved by the actions of Roxas. "Why do you want to know, anyway?"

"Your relationship looks kinda criminal." Demyx said.

"Says who?" Axel challenged.

"Xaldin, Lexaeus, Vexen, Marluxia…" Demyx rambled off.

"Okay, I get it." Axel rolled his eyes.

"So how old are you?" Roxas asked.

"I'm not telling." Axel said. "I'm younger than Vexen and older than you. How's that?"

"Not good enough!" Demyx screeched.

"Forget it, Demyx. He's not going to give us a straight answer." Roxas said.

"Okay, fine." Demyx said as he stomped out of the room and into the hallway.

But he wasn't over yet. No, not in the slightest. Demyx _would_ find out how old Axel was. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually he would know.

**I'd love to know how old Axel is. Or was. Damn you, Axel, for committing suicide!! Anyway...if anyone has suggestions for this, I'll add them in. Just let me know. Review?**

**next chapter: some songs aren't as easy to understand as they seem...**


	18. Double Entendre

**Disclaimer: I don't own Dir en Grey, KH...I own nothing.**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! Quick update, ne? This has to do with Dir en Grey, as the disclaimer declares. My YouTube has a TON of Dir en Grey vids scattered about it, so if you've never heard the songs, go check them out. That's an order, people. Anyway, on with the deadly tale!**

Axel isn't usually one to start arguments in the Organization. He's usually the one to stop them due to his repeated yelling about how stupid the argument is. This is, of course, unless the argument in question is about fire or anything music related.

So when Axel starts an argument, it's usually something of importance. Well, to him at least.

The Flurry of Dancing Flames was sitting in his room, listening to music that was blasting on his stereo at such an alarmingly loud decibel level that the Shadow Heartless in the Olympus Coliseum could hear him. The music today happened to be of Dir en Grey, a band that keeps coming up in this story. The song in question was _Tsumi to Batsu_ or _Mitsu to Tsuba_. If you're a Dir en Grey fan like me, you already know that some people say _Mitsu to Tsuba_ whilst others say _Tsumi to Batsu._

For those who are not fluent in the Japanese language (I'm not either, believe me), I will explain what the title or titles mean. Tsumi is Japanese for crime, batsu is Japanese for punishment, mitsu is Japanese for honey and tsuba is Japanese for saliva. So you have either "Crime and Punishment" or "Honey and Saliva", roughly translated from the Japanese. Dir en Grey fans also know that the singer/ sometimes writer, Kyo, uses double entendres a lot in his songs, so this is nothing unusual. This song, however, is one of the most popular (in my opinion) examples of double meanings. This, however, may not be a double entendre, since the letters are just mixed up. I forget how it got this way, and I don't feel like looking it up. If it bugs you that much, Wikipedia has it.

Have I explained enough? Yes? Okay, then!

So Axel was listening to _Tsumi to Batsu_, as I prefer to call it, when he realized the dual meanings in the title that I explained in the above paragraph, which I will _not_ repeat. This naturally confused the Flurry of Dancing Flames and he wanted to know why it was "Crime and Punishment" and "Honey and Saliva." The titles dealt with two completely different things. Honey and punishment are in no way connected to crime and saliva or vice versa. So what was the deal?

Axel listened to Dir en Grey a fair amount, but he didn't listen to it as much as some people do. Even _I_ do not listen to it as much as some people do. Dir en Grey is like a religion to some people. It's crazy. Getting back on topic, Axel wouldn't know that Kyo does this a lot because he doesn't listen to them as much as some.

Very annoyed, Axel stormed out of the room and marched into Saix's room, leaving the stereo on at the painfully loud decibel level. The Luna Diviner was reading a book on garden hedges and looked very annoyed when the pyro stomped inside.

"What, Axel?" Saix glared at the younger Nobody.

"You listen to Dir en Grey, don't you?" Axel demanded.

"No, why?" Saix frowned.

"Never mind." Axel said as he left the room in a huff and proceeded to finding Xaldin.

When he entered Xaldin's room, the Whirlwind Lancer was, for once in his life, not doing something related to his hair. He was on his computer playing D&D and didn't look as annoyed as Saix when Axel entered.

"Yes?" Xaldin said.

"You listen to Dir en Grey, right?" Axel asked.

"Yeah…" Xaldin said. "A little."

"You know _Tsumi to Batsu_ is really _Mitsu to Tsuba_?" Axel asked.

"Where did you get that?" Xaldin looked at the pyro in confusion.

"I read it online a while ago and I was just thinking about it." Axel said. "What's up with that?"

"I don't know, Axel." Xaldin said. "Nor do I care."

"You will when I find out why." Axel said.

"Why what?" Xaldin frowned.

But Axel had already left, no doubt looking for more people to interrogate about the question at hand.

* * *

It was a very boring day for Xigbar. He'd gone to the Shooting Range That Never Was, played Egyptian Rat Screw with Marluxia, Saix, Larxene and Xemnas, thrown Demyx off the Roof That Never Was and almost set the Kitchen That Never Was on fire. What was left to do?

The Free Shooter was in his room, staring at the milky white ceiling while lying on his back on his bed. There was just nothing to do!

Getting up, Xigbar walked over to the CDs in a somehow organized mess on the floor. After much thought, II decided on listening to _Cyanide Sun_ by H.I.M. After setting the track, Xigbar turned the music up so loudly that Vexen could hear him in the Lab That Never Was. Once the lyrics started, Xigbar started singing, since this was one song he _had_ to sing to.

_I am dead to you. A shadow doomed, my love, forever in the dark. And of all the untruths, the truest is you, too close to my heart. This emptiness I've made my home, erasing memories of dreams long gone, one last caress from the corpse of love is all I want underneath the cyanide sun. _

True, the words were dark and Xigbar wasn't much for dark music, but he needed something to do. Once _Cyanide Sun_ was finished, he moved on to _Bleed Well_, then to_ Love in Cold Blood_. He was singing to _Dead Lover's Lane_ when Larxene stormed into the room, obviously furious about something.

"Xigbar!" she shouted.

"What, Larxene?" Xigbar sighed.

"I can hear you singing on the roof!" Larxene has a habit of yelling a lot.

"What of it?" Xigbar raised an eyebrow.

"Don't. I'm trying to throw daggers at targets and I smashed the TV because of your singing." Larxene accused.

"Yeah, blame me." Xigbar rolled his good eye.

"Just stop singing, okay?" Larxene hissed before walking out, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

Many people compare the Conservatory That Never Was to a jungle. This is not a bad assumption to make by a long shot. It certainly resembles a jungle. It's almost as bad as the living room in winter when my mother brings all of the plants inside during the night. It's a pain, I tell you. And I have to bring them in. But that's completely irrelevant, so let's move on.

The Conservatory was certainly warm enough to resemble a rainforest, though there were no animals. Vexen had suggested adding some animals to the room, but Marluxia shot this down straight off. The animals might eat the plants, which was not a good thing.

The Graceful Assassin was in this room trying to crossbreed a daisy with a Creeper Plant. That would look interesting, huh? I don't know why he doesn't do this in his lab, but the whole process wasn't working out too well.

Frustrated because he was unable to crossbreed a daisy with a Creeper Plant, Marluxia decided that he'd water his plants instead. By now, you should have a decent grasp of the types of plants Marluxia keeps in his Conservatory. He has plants that I would love to have, Venus Fly Traps (Mine died off…man, I loved those things), Pitcher Plants, English Ivy, Poison Sumac and others littered the Conservatory That Never Was.

Marluxia grabbed a watering hose and set the nozzle to "mist" so he could gently water his plants. I swear, he loves his plants more than he loves Vexen or sex. I'm not going to say anything about how much I _hate_ Vexen at this point. You all know the rant by now, huh?

When he was deep inside the jungle known as the Conservatory, Marluxia heard a cry of his name, followed by the quickening footsteps of a random Nobody that turned out to be Roxas.

"What is it, Roxas?" Marluxia snapped.

"Axel's talking about Dir en Grey again." Marluxia knew full well what happened when Axel started talking about music.

"So what do you want me to do about it?" Marluxia misted a Wandering Jew (yes, that's its real name. It's one of the plants I have to drag in.)

"Can I stay in here with you?" Roxas pleaded, his baby blue eyes widening like he was in a Disney movie.

"If you help me water the plants." Marluxia commanded.

"That's it?" Roxas was clearly surprised by the lack of protest on the part of the Graceful Assassin.

"Get going, Roxas." Marluxia prompted the neophyte.

Roxas hesitantly picked up a watering can filled with water and started watering some Shasta Daisies.

"Don't drown them!" Marluxia screamed and pulled Roxas away from the plants when the plant started to get waterlogged.

"Sorry, Marly." Roxas apologized.

"Don't say that." Marluxia snapped.

"But Vexen can call you Marly." Roxas smiled wickedly.

"Vexen is my lover." Marluxia glared at the blonde, turning back to the potted palm trees. "You are not."

"Axel's better than Vexen." Roxas laughed. "Vexen's too old."

"I like older men." Marluxia retorted angrily. "And we're not talking about our lovers."

"You started it." Roxas was still smiling.

"Is Axel really better than Vexen?" Marluxia asked, giving in to the temptation.

"You mean you haven't had sex with him?" Roxas looked amazed. "Not even before I came?"

"I wasn't really interested in Axel. I still hate his guts." Marluxia hissed.

"Well, I feel better now." Roxas breathed a sigh of relief.

"As far as I know, Roxas, you're the only guy Axel's had sex with." Marluxia said, now watering some green carrots.

"Now I need to question him about this." Roxas said.

"Don't bother. He'll get in one of his moods again." Marluxia said. "You know what happens when he's in a mood."

"Oh yeah." Roxas shuddered, remembering a horrid memory, as he doused some petunias with water.

* * *

It was not a good day for Lexaeus.

He was still depressed that his lover had left him for Demyx, of all people. Add the fact that his DVD player wasn't working and the greatest tragedy had occurred.

The Silent Hero was in his room, playing a Barbie video game when he looked at the clock and learned that it was 4:27. It was at this time every day that he went to the Kitchen That Never Was to eat a snack, even though it was close to dinner.

So without further ado, Lexaeus made his exodus and headed up to the Kitchen, bringing his silver GameBoy Advance SP with him. When he reached the Kitchen, he set the SP down on the hideous table before he went to the pantry for a bag of sour cream and onion chips. He grabbed the bag and retreated to the ugly table and resumed the playing of his game.

It wasn't long, however, before Luxord walked into the room, a lit cigarette in hand. The Gambler of Fate appeared not to have noticed Lexaeus and dropped his bowl of ice cream on the floor in surprise when he turned around and found him at the table.

"How long have you been here?" Luxord demanded.

"Before you got here." Lexaeus continued playing his game.

"What are you playing, Lexy?" Luxord looked over the Silent Hero's shoulder.

"Nothing!" Lexaeus promptly shut the GameBoy.

"What is it?" Luxord wrestled with Lexaeus for a moment before grabbing the gaming device. "Ha. I win."

Luxord opened the GameBoy and his eyes widened in surprise. After moving around the directional pad and pressing the A button several times, he turned back to the Silent Hero, a look of pure terror on his face.

"Why are you playing this?" Luxord asked.

"I was bored." Lexaeus answered.

"Don't let me see you playing it again." Luxord tossed the GameBoy back to the Silent Hero before turning on his heel and walking out of the Kitchen That Never Was.

* * *

"Why does this matter?"

Axel, still trying to figure out the double entendre of Dir en Grey, had decided to meet with Xemnas himself to get an answer. He was, after all, the leader so he _had_ to have some brains. I, personally, think otherwise, but my opinions don't matter.

"Because it's bugging the crap out of me!" Axel exclaimed, slamming his hands forcibly on Xemnas' desk.

"And you want to know how it came about to be the two titles?" Xemnas hadn't jumped at the sound of the hands hitting the wood.

"Of course!" Axel yelled.

"I think there was a misprint in one of the albums or an EP." Xemnas said, tossing a ping-pong ball in the air.

"That's it?" Axel raised an eyebrow.

"I think so." Xemnas said.

"Oh." Axel seemed slightly disappointed.

"Now leave so I can work." Xemnas ordered.

Axel made his way out of the office and back to his room where he started listening to the song again. It wasn't a very satisfactory answer, so he came up with his own, being that Die had hypnotized Toshiya, Kaoru and Shinya into thinking this was the correct title against Kyo's will. It made no sense whatsoever, but it was better than the reason Xemnas had given him.

**I love the little conversation between Marluxia and Roxas. The next chapter is going to be a blast, so look for it soon. Review?**

**next chapter: Who ruins a drug swap?**


	19. Drug Deals

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story. **

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! This isn't as good as my others, but I hope it's still good! This is for CheshireCatwoman for giving me the idea. On with the deadly tale!**

In case you hadn't figured out before, Organization XIII basically runs on two things: drugs and sex. This makes many wonder if the headquarters for the Organization was really in Las Vegas because it appears that these two things are very common. And as you know (I hope you know by now) Luxord is the number one drug dealer of the Organization.

This being said, the Gambler of Fate often has to win the money to buy these drugs from very shady sources. By shady I don't mean under the shade of a large tree. I mean that they were very suspicious and were probably in prison for raping small children.

So Luxord awoke on the morning of one of the days when he was supposed to go to Wonderland to obtain some of these drugs. He wasn't sure if he was getting some PCP for Xigbar, LSD for Saix or some crack for Marluxia. Well, he was going to get something, even if he didn't know what it was.

After creeping out of bed and almost falling on a music magazine a few feet away, Luxord left the room and headed to the Roof That Never Was. It was almost two in the morning, so there was no way that anyone else would be up. Unless Xemnas and Saix were having sex again.

When he reached the Roof, Luxord created the usual portal of sandy blackness and walked through to Wonderland on the other side. Luxord hated doing drug deals in Wonderland. It was too green for his liking. The flowers all seemed happy, which is a load of shit since flowers don't have souls, and everything seemed far too pleasant for the liking of the Nobody.

"Whatcha doing?"

A voice behind him made Luxord jump. Turning around, he learned that Demyx was standing right behind him, a ridiculous grin plastered on his face.

"Demyx?! How the hell did you get here?" Luxord demanded.

"I followed you into the portal." Demyx replied.

"How did you…you know what? I'm not going to ask." Luxord shook his head.

"Ok!" Demyx exclaimed. "So what are you doing?"

Luxord seriously doubted telling Demyx what he was about to do. Demyx was well known for spilling secrets. For example, one random day, Vexen had created an ice rink in the fifth floor corridor. Xaldin had called him down to the first floor for one reason or another, forcing the Chilly Academic to abandon his game of ice hockey that he had been playing with Larxene, Axel and Lexaeus, with Demyx acting as referee and Zexion watching on the sidelines. The game had been abandoned not long after and the ice was left on the floor, which was probably why Xemnas slipped and almost fractured his rib. Vexen had told everyone not to tell Xemnas that he was the one who created the indoor ice rink, but Demyx, of course, spilled the beans.

So could anyone really blame Luxord for wanting to withhold the truth from the Melodious Nocturne?

"Demyx, you have to keep this a secret, ok?" Luxord said.

"Got it." Demyx sat down on a random mushroom.

"I'm here for a drug deal." Luxord said. "I _think_ I'm getting some PCP for Xigbar."

"I'll help!" Demyx exclaimed.

"I want you to stay out of the way for this, ok?" Luxord said sternly. "No following me around, understood?"

"Okay…" Demyx was obviously depressed as Luxord left him sitting on the pathetic mushroom.

* * *

Something seemed strange when Zexion woke up that morning. His enormous wall of books was _not_ on fire, the ceiling was in tact, his bed wasn't floating in the ocean and his face was _not_ painted purple with orange and green spots. Everything appeared to be normal. But being the Cloaked Schemer, Zexion knew that things weren't always what they seemed.

Figuring that he was just paranoid, Zexion left his room and meandered into Demyx's. The room was as normal as it could possibly be. The strange thing was that Demyx's sitar was propped against the wall. This struck Zexion as odd. Demyx always took his sitar wherever he went. Why would he go somewhere and leave his precious weapon behind? It was as strange as asking Axel to go without lighting something on fire for a month.

Puzzled by this, Zexion headed for the Kitchen That Never Was That Was Starting To Look Like A Japanese Restaurant Thanks To Marluxia's Interior Decorating. He found Saix and Xaldin at the island playing Go Fish.

"Where's Demyx?" Zexion demanded.

"Miss him already?" Saix smiled.

"I can't find him." Zexion continued.

"He's probably hiding somewhere waiting for someone to walk into one of his water clones." Xaldin said.

"You'd think he'd learn after being electrocuted by Larxene." Zexion said as he walked out of the room.

Where would Demyx be? A light bulb turned on in Zexion's head and he dashed off to the Studio That Never Existed Before In This Story Or The Game. For one reason or another, the Studio was a combination of a TV studio and a music recording room. Our school studio needs to be improved. Out headsets keep breaking and I had to give mine up for the director today, so I never knew if my camera shots were off. Am I going on a rant again? That seems to happen a lot, doesn't it?

In any case, Zexion thought that his lover might be in the Studio since Demyx was so obsessed with music. However, when he found no trace of the Melodious Nocturne, Zexion was forced to conclude that he wasn't there.

Demyx was missing. Just what we all want to hear.

* * *

Demyx was observing Luxord from afar, even though the Gambler of Fate had no idea. He had hoped that Luxord would do something entertaining, like tap-dance or sing opera, but Luxord was doing neither of these things. He was simply walking to his supplier of drugs.

Bored, Demyx pulled his iPod out of his pocket and stuffed the headphones into his ears before he searched the device for a song. He eventually decided on _7 Things_ by Miley Cyrus, even though I hate that girl with a passion. Be that as it may, Demyx wanted to sing but couldn't because of Luxord, so he was forced to lip-sing instead.

"_You're vain, your games, you're insecure. You love me, you like her. You made me laugh. You made me cry. I don't know which side to buy. Your friends, they're jerk when you act like them cause you know it hurts. I wanna be with the one I know. And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do…you make me love you._"

It unfortunately was a song that made Demyx want to dance, but he had to control that urge at the present time. All too soon, the song ended and Demyx went on to listen to _The Killing Lights_ by AFI.

"_Five am on the bathroom floor from the night before. Do you find me dreadful? What a shame, such a sad disgrace. Such a pretty face, but she's not regretful. Am I beautiful? Am I useable?"_

It was almost too dark a song for Demyx to listen to. Most would imagine that the Melodious Nocturne listened to peppy, up-beat music. The fact of the matter was Demyx listened to anything.

When the song had concluded, Demyx cycled through a series of songs and sighed. Getting drugs was _very_ boring.

* * *

One of the things that very few people knew about Xaldin was that he liked to paint. He liked to draw as well, but painting was his favourite. He often compared himself to the great painters; Brunelleschi, Rembrandt, Giotto and the Ninja Turtles. Just think about the names of the turtles and it'll all make sense.

In truth, however, Xaldin was about as good as a first grader. His dog looked like a stick with legs and his house looked like a lopsided table.

At the present time, Xaldin was painting a picture of a woman reading a book. The woman, however, looked like Xemnas, and she appeared to be holding a medieval mace instead of a book.

When Xaldin was finished drawing the scene, he took up the brush and started splattering the canvas in front of him, some of the paint landing on the sketch of the scene lying innocently nearby. After finishing with the first colour, Xaldin proceeded to using lavender, then mauve. He was working on granny smith apple green when Axel walked into the room.

"Xaldin have you…are you _painting?!_" Axel asked incredulously.

"No, I'm murdering Saix's grandmother." Xaldin rolled his eyes.

"Well, Zexion can't find Demyx, so we're putting the castle on lockdown." Axel said.

"Good to know." Xaldin said absentmindedly.

Axel picked up the sketch and examined it closely before saying, "Is this supposed to be Marluxia eating a plum?"

"It's a woman reading a book." Xaldin glared at the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Really?" Axel squinted at the paper.

"Out!" Xaldin yelled loudly, which resulted in Axel's immediate removal of the room.

* * *

Luxord was starting to grow bored of walking when he found his drug supplier: a giant green caterpillar named Seth. Seth appeared to be asleep on his blue mushroom underneath a hawthorn tree and it took Luxord several minutes to poke him awake.

"Wake up, already." Luxord said as he jabbed his finger into the caterpillar's forehead.

"That hurt, you know." Seth opened his eyes and glared at the Gambler of Fate.

"Do you have them?" Luxord asked, knowing that the caterpillar understood what he was talking about.

"Yep." Seth said, gesturing towards a pile of PCP not far away.

"Xigbar is going to like this." Luxord said. "Is this on my tab?"

"Yes, it is." Seth said.

"And I was wondering if you had any angel dust or pot to spare?" Luxord asked. "Saix has been pestering me about this for some time."

"It will cost you extra." Seth took a drag on his nearby pipe.

"Fine by me." Luxord said.

At that moment, something came crashing down on Seth, a something that turned out to be Demyx. The Melodious Nocturne stood up with a shaky laugh and completely ignored the green caterpillar.

"What are you doing here, Demyx?" Luxord hissed.

"I followed you." Demyx grinned.

"Luxord, who is this?" Seth demanded, returning to his mushroom.

"A fellow Nobody that should be in a cage right now." Luxord said.

The caterpillar was very annoyed throughout the rest of the meeting, the cause of this probably being Demyx. When the two Nobodies walked away ten minutes later, Demyx knew that he would get reprimanded for his actions, but he didn't care. His boredom had been eased and that was all he cared about.

**Yeah, weird huh? Anyway, the next chapter is for Tropicalna, since she's already given me an idea for it. review?**

**next chapter: sporks of doom**


	20. Sporks

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story. Got it? **

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! This is for Tropicalna, who wanted something to do with sporks. What fun, ne? And I have a great chapter planned. I hope it's a good one! on with the deadly tale!**

As it so turned out, Demyx was forced to play strip poker with Luxord as punishment for his actions in Wonderland, ignoring the many protests and arguments from Zexion, who didn't want his new boyfriend playing poker, especially strip poker, with old men AKA Luxord, Vexen and Xigbar. But the Melodious Nocturne readily accepted the punishment and served his sentence without complaint. When he returned to Zexion, however, Demyx was ready for a joyful round of shower sex in the showers located in the Weight Room That Never Was That Should Be Filled With Buff And Sexy Guys But Is Instead Filled With Geezers Like Xigbar And Vexen. Wow. This is getting to be one big paragraph. And that was a killer first sentence. I will now change the pace of the story altogether. How, do you ask? You shall very soon find out.

Roxas sat alone in the Kitchen That Never Was That Now Looked Like A Japanese Sushi Bar Because Marluxia Wanted It That Way. The young Key of Destiny was making lunch, Angel Hair Pasta, and he was trying to find a bowl somewhere amongst the clutter so he could properly enjoy his beloved noodles. After he found a bowl amidst the saucepans and tomato canners (why Organization XIII has tomato canners is beyond me), Roxas decided that it would be a splendid idea to look for a spoon/fork for the marvellous occasion. He opened the drawer of cutlery, taking out wine openers and butcher knives that could only belong to Larxene, and searched for some utensils.

Roxas, finally able to devour his precious lunch, sat down at the hideous table that was supposed to look like something from Japan. In reality, the table looked a combination of tables from Norway, Croatia, Germany, Tibet, Mongolia and Guinea Bissau. As he twirled the creamy noodles around the fork he had retrieved and shoved them into his mouth, a thought came into Roxas' mind.

Why were sporks called sporks?

He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it sooner. Why in the world were sporks called what they were? It made no sense at all.

Furious with this thought, Roxas grabbed his lunch so he could go ask Zexion for advice. The guy's read just about every book in existence, so he was bound to know the answer.

"Zexion!" Roxas yelled as he wandered into the Library That Never Was a few minutes later.

"What is it now, Roxas?" Zexion's voice could be heard from the section dedicated to Machiavelli.

"I have to ask you something." Roxas said as he ate some more of his pasta.

"No eating in the library." Zexion said at once when he saw the still-steaming noodles in Roxas' hand.

"Lighten up, will ya?" Roxas rolled his eyes.

"What do you want?" Zexion demanded, obviously agitated.

"Why are sporks called sporks?" Roxas asked.

"I don't care, Roxas." Zexion returned to his book.

"I didn't ask if you cared or not. I want an answer." Roxas demanded.

"Well, you aren't going to find one from me." Zexion scowled. "Why don't you go ask my ex-lover?"

"Lexaeus can't even count to ten!" Roxas exclaimed. "How is he supposed to know the answer?"

"Have fun finding _that_ one out." Zexion said with a sly smile.

Annoyed, Roxas left the Library That Never Was and headed off to find someone who would know the answer, since Zexion wasn't going to give it to him. After finishing his glorious pasta, Roxas placed the bowl and fork in the dishwasher before skipping (yes skipping. Who says Roxas can't skip?) down to the target range in hopes of finding Xigbar. The Free Shooter had a soft spot for Roxas and maybe that would help in this situation.

"Xigbar?" Roxas called hesitantly as he opened the door.

A crimson gun-arrow shot at Roxas out of nowhere. Roxas shrieked like he was being tortured with thumbscrews and jumped out of the way, crashing into a replica of Marie Antoinette in the process.

"What's up, Roxas?" Xigbar grinned, gun at his shoulder, as he strode casually over to the fallen Nobody.

"Don't do that, Xigbar." Roxas growled as he glared at II.

"What do you want?" Xigbar pulled Roxas to his feet.

"Why are sporks called sporks?" Roxas asked, the replica of Marie Antoinette all but forgotten.

"I dunno." Xigbar shrugged. "Why do you ask?"

"I was just thinking about it." Roxas said.

* * *

If Larxene hadn't joined the Organization and/or became a Nobody, she couldn't enjoy her favourite pastime so much: hunting.

The Savage Nymph was well known for attacking small woodland creatures and smaller types of Heartless. And she wasn't humane either. Her favourite way of executing innocent rodents was chopping the head off and/or slitting the throat of the victim. She did, however, enjoy electrocuting the creatures to the point where they were paralysed and made no attempt to move. That was always fun.

That's where Larxene was now: Wonderland. And she was torturing a grey squirrel named Grissom. I say this because my cat, named after Grissom from CSI, happens to look like a squirrel because his tail is the bushiest of any cat I've ever seen. Then again, most squirrels don't weigh as much as my cat does (the thing's enormous, I tell you!) so maybe that's the wrong animal to compare him to.

I'm going on a lot of rants lately, huh?

Larxene had the squirrel trapped in a tree, grinning maniacally at the rodent. The creature was trembling in fear, though the phrase "shaking so much that they could be mistaken for convulsions" would be more appropriate.

I do not wish to offend anyone who is against animal torture. Believe it or not, I am against animal abuse. Hey, I'd be vegan if I didn't love meat so damn much. It'd kill me to live without tacos and bacon alfredo. But you guys get my point, huh? I don't want to offend anyone by this. If you _will_ get offended, then just skip the next few paragraphs. But don't come whining to me if you get offended and haven't taken my warning.

Oh, and it might get a _little_ graphic here, depending on how far I want to go. So no squeamish people read this, 'kay? Good.

Let's move onward, huh?

In one swift motion, Larxene threw a lightning dagger at the squirrel, piercing it in the chest and it fell to the ground, where it bled out and died in a matter of .87 seconds.

Huh, that wasn't so graphic after all. Ah well.

* * *

Even though I hate him so much I could slit his throat in his sleep, I suppose I should include a segment about Vexen in this chapter. I bet everyone thinks I'm some psychopath by now. I'm not, I assure you. Just ignore what the psychologist says about my schizophrenia.

I'm kidding, people.

In any case, Vexen was in the Lab That Never Existed (ha!) trying to determine why lemons were yellow. A pointless experiment, in my opinion, but maybe there's _some_ scientific merit to his madness.

And by mad I mean crazy. Not anger. I shouldn't have to explain this.

In one corner of the Lab, a TV was showing _Heroes_, a show that I am eager to see tonight. The Chilly Academic was paying more attention to the TV, so he kept stabbing the lemon so hard that juice would squirt in his eye, causing Vexen to scream so loudly that the guys from Geek Squad in Poland could hear him.

The door opened when Vexen was in one of his screaming fits and Lexaeus stormed into the room, eyebrows knitted together in anger, and stomped over to the deranged scientist.

"I am _trying_ to play peek-a-boo with my teddy bear." Lexaeus hissed, the tone of his voice contrasting greatly with the sentence. "Shut _up_!"

And with that, Lexaeus left with a flurry of insanity and anger. Vexen remained where he stood wondering why Lexaeus had a teddy bear in the first place.

As much as I hate Vexen, I'm finding this _very_ entertaining.

Vexen returned to his work after a moment's thought about why Lexaeus had a teddy bear. After wondering how he obtained said teddy bear, the Chilly Academic resumed his experiment and shot an electric currant through the sour yellow fruit.

Not a moment later, however, the door burst open again and Roxas dashed into the room, looking like he was running from killer monks.

"What, Roxas?" Vexen demanded.

"Why are sporks called sporks?" Roxas asked.

"Why are sporks called…you know what? I'm not going to ask why you want to know." Vexen threw away the lemon and grabbed another from a bag that appeared instantaneously on the table.

"Just answer the question!" Roxas exclaimed.

"Why don't you ask Axel?" Vexen prodded the fruit with a fork. "You ask him everything."

"He's in Hollow Bastion on a mission." Roxas said.

"What's he doing?" Vexen questioned. "He can't be killing Heartless: that's what I was doing yesterday."

"I don't know! Just answer me!" Roxas snapped.

"Don't bother me right now, Roxas!" Vexen yelled.

Furious, Roxas stomped out of the Lab, taking care to slam the door as hard as he could on his way out. Vexen was at last left alone so he could work on his precious experiment.

* * *

Most leaders spend a great deal of their time trying to improve their nation, or organization in this case. They think of ways to improve the standard of living and a way to better the people.

Xemnas was playing golf. Go figure.

His eyes glanced over to his desk, where the files of his twelve Nobodies rested. He _should_ review those files so he could be updated on the Nobodies' statuses. Eventually, Xemnas stopped playing golf, set the club against the wall, sat down at his desk and started to read.

First on the list was Axel, which was no surprise to him. The Flurry of Dancing Flames caused more chaos as Larxene, Demyx, Marluxia and Xigbar combined. To drive my point home, I will mention the time when Axel set the whole of the Land of Dragons on fire just for the hell of it. Need I say more?

As Xemnas went down Axel's file, he learned that the pyro hadn't been doing very missions lately. He'd have to work on that. In the meantime, Xemnas would move on to another Nobody's file: Xigbar.

Xigbar was troublesome in his own unique way. The Free Shooter had a tendency to shoot at random objects as they passed him. For example, he shot Vexen (no surprise there, huh?) in the face in the Weight Room That Never Was. And Xigbar was always using the Lounge That Never Existed Part XXIV for target practice instead of the Shooting Range That Was Never Used.

Xemnas sighed and rubbed his forehead. It was going to be a _long_ day.

* * *

Annoyed that no one was helping him with his project, Roxas retreated to his room, flopped down on the bed and started playing _The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap_ on his GameBoy. I have yet to beat that game…anyway. He wanted something to do while he waited for Axel to get back from his mission.

"At it again, are we?"

Roxas looked up to his doorway and found Axel leaning against the ledge, a wicked grin spread across his face.

"It's about time." Roxas said before Axel reached him and their lips crashed together.

"It's not my fault." Axel said breathlessly between kisses.

After another moment, Roxas broke apart from the pyro, leaving a confused look on the face of his lover.

"What's that for, blue eyes?" Axel demanded.

"I want to ask you something." Roxas said.

"If it's the birds and bees talk, go ask someone else." Axel grinned.

"Why are sporks called sporks?" Roxas asked.

"It's a combination of spoon and fork." Axel said. "I thought you knew that."

"So _that's_ what it means." Roxas said before Axel grabbed him by the arm and the rendition of floor sex began once again.

**I know it was an abrupt ending...Lexy playing peek-a-boo with a teddy bear...priceless! I hope you liked it, Tropicalna. As always, if anyone wants anything in this story, just let me know and I'll do my best to get it in. review?**

**next chapter: vampire-haters beware...**


	21. Vampire Myths

**Disclaimer: I don't own vampires, Jordin Sparks (god help me) or KH.**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! I have some REALLY important information, so pay attention!**

**I am doing techie stuff for our school production of the Crucible. our first meeting is from 9-4 on saturday and i have it again from 1-5 on monday. from there, i have it from 2:30, when school ends, to 6:30 for the first week then from 2:30 until 8:00 the last week plus showtimes that same week. What I'm trying to say is, well, don't expect any updates for a while. as you can see, my schedule is going to get a LOT busier and i have school to do first. i'll try to work on my stories in Journalism, since i only have to do a review for the new Dir en Grey album, but i might not get a lot done at a time. Just letting everyone know. Anyway...on with the deadly tale!**

Before I begin this lovely chapter, I must give some form of warning to my readers who are against the _Twilight_ saga by Stephanie Meyer and/or vampires in general. I just finished reading _New Moon_ for the second time (my friend told me to reread it since my opinion of Jacob has changed since reading _Breaking Dawn_ to see if I can better understand him. I still don't.) and am reading _Eclipse_ for the millionth time, so I'm in a vampire mood. I am, however, aware that some people loath vampires with a passion, much like I do for _High School Musical_. So if anyone doesn't want to read this, then go ahead and wait until the next chapter comes out.

That being said, I am aware that some of my readers might be reading the _Twilight_ series for the first time, especially _Breaking Dawn_. I'll try my best not to include any spoilers from any of the books, but some will have to be included.

So let's get this story started, shall we?

Despite the fact that many in the Organization weren't fond of mythical creatures, those who did like them tended to obsess over them. Prime examples of this would be Lexaeus' obsession with UFOs and Xaldin's belief that the Loch Ness Monster really does exist. But many never really think of how these stories came to be or what the creatures were like. I mean, when I first heard of Bigfoot as a child, I imagined a giant foot and I'm sure I'm not the only one who did. And most people agree that the Loch Ness Monster is a giant sea serpent and/or dragon. But some things didn't make sense. Demyx had always wondered why werewolves always phased the full moon. I've been wondering that too, actually. So some of the "creation" stories and the explanations of the creatures didn't make sense.

To Axel, vampire myths were something to be investigated.

The Flurry of Dancing Flames was in the Lounge That Never Was Part XII, reading _Cirque Du Freak_, a popular vampire series written for younger teenagers. He was at the part where Darren and Mr. Crepsley had reached Vampire Mountain and was meeting with Seba Nile when something crossed his mind. It wasn't really relevant to the situation at hand, but it was something just the same.

Just how many vampire myths were true?

Of course, it would be hard to find vampires in the World That Never Was. Vampires don't exist even in the real world, according to most people, anyway. There would be no way to find a vampire and ask him/her which myths were false and which were real.

Shoving his bookmark in place, Axel closed his book and bolted out of the Lounge in the direction of the Kitchen That Never Was, where he knew he'd find Zexion. It was 1:32 and Zexion always ate a cheese and bacon sandwich at 1:32. And when Axel reached the Kitchen, his peridot eyes found none other than the Cloaked Schemer at the kitchen table eating what? A cheese and bacon sandwich.

"What, Axel?" Zexion asked warily when VIII dashed inside, nearly avoiding a collision with the marble counter.

"Zexion, what do you know about vampires?" Axel was unfazed by his mad dash up seven flights of stairs.

"Not much, really. I know they drink blood and only come out at night." Zexion said.

"Besides that, Zexy." Axel said.

"That's all I know." Zexion said as he bit into his sandwich. "And stop calling me Zexy."

"Well, who would know?" Axel demanded as his eyebrows narrows in frustration.

"Did you try Larxene?" Zexion asked.

"She doesn't like vampires." Axel said.

"Well, good luck finding someone who does. I think you're the only one." Zexion said before Axel bolted out of the room to continue his quest.

* * *

Due to the graphic content of this next section, viewer's discretion is advised.

Yeah, right.

But seriously, though, there could be some violence in here. As soon as you read the first word of the next sentence, it should all be clear.

Vexen was in the Lab That Never Was That Now Resembled An Ice Skating Rink Due To The Horrendously Frigid Temperatures working on an experiment. And what experiment was it, you ask? Vexen was trying to turn a cheeseburger into a strawberry milkshake. Is it obvious that I'm hungry right now?

In any case, the Chilly Academic wasn't having much luck with his experiment. Then again, do any of them turn out? _That_ would be a good horror movie right there. He was getting a little thirsty so he grabbed a glass of pomegranate juice that was lying conveniently on the Table That Never Existed and took a drink. After he set the glass down, however, he noticed that he felt weird. Figuring that this was nothing, Vexen resumed his work. He had successfully turned a lettuce leaf into a blob of strawberry milkshake a cried, "I've got it!"

Then he noticed what was wrong. Not only did he use bad grammar (like he really cared) but his voice was all wrong.

Vexen's voice sounded like a hamster.

Panicking, Vexen grabbed his glass of what appeared to be pomegranate juice and sniffed and realized what the problem was. Someone (probably Axel) had replaced his pomegranate juice with liquid helium! True, helium is a gas, but in this story it will be a liquid. Let's just say that Vexen created liquid helium as well as making lethal carbon.

Vexen angrily threw a chair at the wall, causing the chair to shatter into millions of tiny pieces the size of an amoeba. That's really tiny, huh? After venting his anger at innocent furniture, Vexen somehow managed to calm down enough to think of a solution. But what sort of a solution was it? He couldn't do anything but wait for the effects to wear off. And that could take forever.

* * *

"Axel, you'd better not ruin the story for me or I'll slit your throat in your sleep."

Axel had managed to find Roxas in his room reading _Breaking Dawn_ in his bed. The Key of Destiny hadn't finished reading it for the first time. For readers who _have_ finished it, he was at the part where the Cullens try something with Bella. The part from Jacob's point of view. Am I being clear enough? And, logically, Roxas didn't want to have the story ruined for him.

"All I'm asking is if you know why the myths were created in the first place." Axel somehow managed to lie down on the bed next to Roxas and put his arm around the teen.

"Well, the whole light thing is a load of crap in _Twilight_." Roxas said. "The only reason why the Cullens don't go out in the sun is because they sparkle."

"But they'd get burned in _Cirque Du Freak_." Axel pointed out.

"Burned by what?" Roxas frowned.

"By the light!" Axel shrieked so loudly that Roxas toppled off the bed.

"Why does it matter, anyway?" Roxas glared at the pyro as he climbed back on the bed.

"Because I want to know!" Axel yelled.

* * *

There was no such thing as a dull moment in Organization XIII. As the leader of the paranoid Nobodies, Xemnas knew this better than anyone.

The fact that Lexaeus nearly destroyed the Game Room That Never Existed Part IV by smashing his tomahawk into various objects certainly supported this. As if Saix's revolt against peanut butter was really needed.

As I am writing this, I am sitting in my Journalism class since we are in the computer lab. I have already turned in my two articles and waiting for one to be edited, so I am now working on this lovely tale so I can get this up by Halloween, since my favourite holiday of the year is my deadline.

That being said, we're only in here for about an hour a day and I am banned from using my laptop for a week. So I will be forced to use the computers at school since I'm usually on FF reading stories and/or making amvs at home.

I'm going on a tangent again, aren't I? I guess I just needed to change the subject for a bit before I start on how Xemnas is doing something or other. I'm set now, so onward!

Xemnas sat in his office one cheerful morning. This, of course, is impossible since there is no weather in the World That Never Was. Except darkness. I don't know why I'm even mentioning this. Anyway…

The paranoid leader of Organization XIII was in front of his computer playing something on Neopets. Who says Xemnas couldn't do something childish? Then again, he's not Lexaeus, so maybe he shouldn't be doing this anyway.

He was about to start playing the Giant Jelly Blobs of Doom when the unmistakeable sounds of frustrated stomps could be heard coming down the corridor. Soon enough, Vexen was storming into the office, an obviously furious expression on his face.

"What is it this time, Vexen?" Xemnas asked in a bored voice, not wanting to deal with Vexen for the seventy-fifth time that day.

"My voice is stuck." Vexen's voice still sounded like a hamster.

Xemnas stared at the Chilly Academic for a moment with wide eyes and said, "What do you mean? And why is your voice like that?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you!" Vexen shrieked as he flailed his arms aimlessly about, making him look very comical indeed.

"What caused it?" Xemnas raised an eyebrow.

"Someone switched my pomegranate juice with my liquid helium." Vexen glowered.

"Probably Axel." Xemnas muttered under his breath. "Can you fix it?"

"I have to wait for it to wear off."

"How much did you drink?" Xemnas grabbed a stray pen on his desk and started to take it apart.  
"Almost a full bottle." Vexen's eye twitched.

"And we have that meeting today, too." Xemnas mused.

"Can't we postpone it?" Vexen pleaded.

'I can't. Kingdom Hearts depends on it." Xemnas said.

Yeah, Xemnas. I'm sure your precious Kingdom Hearts would really care.

"Just try to talk it off, Vexen." Xemnas said.

"If you say so…" Vexen said worriedly as he left the office.

* * *

By the time the meeting rolled around, however, Vexen's voice was still the same. Man, I'd _love_ to hear Vexen's voice as a hamster. That'd be amazing.

Anyway…

As usual, the members of Organization XIII sat in the dreaded Room Where Nothing Gathers, trying to ignore the hideous monotonous drone from Xemnas. I must give kudos to Xaldin, who had successfully fallen into a coma, though this should probably be taken seriously.

"We have, my fellow Nobodies, a crisis on our hands." Xemnas said toward the end of the meeting.

To no one's surprise, none of the Nobodies took any notice of this. There was always a crisis in the Castle That Never Was. It didn't matter if Axel had set fire to the Pool That Never Was or Demyx singing random songs from Jordin Sparks at the top of his lungs; there was _always _something to be called a "crisis" in the Organization.

"What is it this time, Superior?" Luxord asked warily.

"I can't figure out why the vampire myths were created." Axel cut Xemnas short.

"What the hell?!" Larxene yelped.

"Axel, why does this matter?" Xigbar asked.

"Because some don't make sense!" Axel exclaimed.

"Which ones?" Lexaeus wouldn't have a clue, but he figured he'd try to act smart anyway.

"The thing with garlic is rubbish." Luxord said offhandedly.

"Exactly." Axel nodded. "Does the vampire die from bad breath?"

"I can't believe you're going through with this…" Roxas muttered under his breath.

"But who says the vampire has to eat it?" Demyx pointed out.

"What else would they do with it?" Xigbar shrugged. "Make out with it?"

"Xigbar, that was utterly morbid and disturbing." Saix shuddered.

"And what about the holy water?" Marluxia asked, with Vexen's nod in approval since the Chilly Academic didn't want to speak.

"People used to think that vampires were evil creatures from Hell." Zexion said, not looking up from his book on Pokèmon. "The holy water was supposed to burn the skin."

"Says who?" Larxene always questioned what Zexion said, no matter what it was.

"Says the many books I've read." Zexion turned a page.

"You hate mythology." Roxas pointed out.

"And what about the crucifix?" Saix asked.

"For the same reason as the holy water." Zexion replied.

"And the blood diet?" Lexaeus raised an eyebrow.

"Are you an idiot, Lexaeus?" Axel gave a short laugh of surprise.

"Axel, why did you bring this up?" Luxord demanded.

"I want to know!" Axel exclaimed.

"Well, I'm calling this meeting to a close." Xemnas jumped down from his ridiculously high chair to the floor.

As the other members of Organization XIII filed out of the Room Where Nothing Gathers, Axel's mind was wondering why the myths came into being, since none of his questions had been answered. Of course, one would be very foolish to expect a straight answer, if any answer at all, from anyone in the Organization.

**This can be considered my Halloween chapter, huh? My friend Leah gave me the idea for using Pokemon. ^_^ review?**

**next chapter: getting vexen's voice "unstuck"**


	22. The Title That Never Was

**Disclaimer: If you haven't figured out that I don't own anything, I'm going to wonder what's wrong with you.**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! This chapter took a week to write since I've had rehersal. Mercifuly, they didn't last until 8 and we usually got out around 7. But the first performance is tonight. I bet i'll set something up wrong...i hate being a first-time techie...ah well. I hope this is well worth the wait. on with the deadly tale!**

If you recall from the last chapter, Axel was on a mad search regarding anything about vampire myths and Vexen's voice was stuck as a hamster. I have yet to hear that. I wonder who is going to be the English voice for Vexen…..man, that'd be interesting to hear.

Anyway, the Chilly Academic was trying his hardest to talk off his voice to nearby lab implements. The non-existent ears of the microscope and the mass spectrometer were bleeding away.

Vexen was talking about wolverines to a flask of chloroform when Lexaeus barged in quite rudely. IV apparently hadn't heard Lexaeus enter because he jumped so high in surprise that he smashed his head into the ceiling light.

"What do you want, Lexaeus?!" Vexen snapped.

Lexaeus, of course, hadn't heard Vexen's voice as a hamster before this moment. And, of course, Lexaeus' mentally challenged brain jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"What have you done with Vexen?!" Lexaeus screeched at the top of his lungs.

"Lexaeus, it's me!" Vexen yelled, though this wasn't doing a baker's fuck of good, since the Silent Hero had summoned his tomahawk and was now smashing random flasks of cyanide and bottles of Vicodin and Lunesta. "Cut it out, Lexaeus!"

Lexaeus put down his tomahawk, which he had previously been using to smash a beaker of eggplant-smelling liquid, and stared at the Chilly Academic.

"Is that really you, Vexen?"

"No, I'm Judas Iscariot. Lexaeus, it's me!" he added quickly when Lexaeus grabbed his tomahawk once more and made to slice Vexen's head off.

"What did you do?" Lexaeus asked hesitantly.

"I accidentally drank liquid helium." Vexen explained. "And now I have to talk so the effects will wear off."

"And how long will that take?" Lexaeus asked, stroking a random African violet.

"I don't know." Vexen said sadly.

* * *

Elsewhere in the Castle That Never Was, loud music of the Japanese persuasion was blasting at such a level that deaf komodo dragons could hear it. The music had heavy bass, wailing guitars and screeching vocals that dealt with raping one's parents, killing babies under a red moon and psychotic candy.

Axel was listening to Dir en Grey. It's as simple as that.

The song in particular was _Dozing Green_ and Axel was having a splendid time listening to it. The Flurry of Dancing Flames knew that Saix, Xemnas and/or Larxene would be mad at him for his choice of music, but you know what? He didn't really care.

As the chorus began for the first time, Axel's foot slammed the floor and cerulean and crimson flames remained on the floor where the boot had once been. Soon a guitar solo-type-thing started while the vocalist sang something unintelligible, followed by a scream that would piss off Marluxia. The chorus started again and soon enough it was Axel's favourite part of the song: the screaming part.

As Dir en Grey fans know, the end of _Dozing Green_ features a series of shrieks from Kyo, which sound absolutely amazing, if I do say so myself. My cat, however, doesn't appear to agree with me, since she starts freaking out and glares at me for half an hour after the song is over. It was at this part that was Axel's favourite.

And this time was no exception.

The main bass-line continued, but Axel's room was filled with the shrieks that could shatter glass. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but that's how it sounded to Axel.

Not thirty seconds later, stomps could be heard coming toward the room where the horrid (in the stomper's opinion) music was coming from. The song, however, had changed to _Mr. Newsman_ when Vexen stormed into the room.

Axel, however, wasn't the least bit surprised by the sudden intrusion of the Chilly Academic. Vexen always interrupted things, so why should this be any different?

"Turn that rubbish off, Axel!"

Axel was taken aback by the pitch of Vexen's voice. Why, he wondered, did IV sound like a hamster? This had to be investigated. And Axel was known for getting to the bottom of problems. Okay, so he wasn't. No big deal.

"What the fuck is wrong with your voice?"

Axel _was_ known, however, for dropping the f-bomb quite frequently, as we shall see in later chapters.

"I drank liquid helium." Vexen glared at Axel, which, in contrast with his voice, was a very comical sight indeed.

"Uh-oh." Axel said.

"What did you do, Axel?" Vexen hissed.

"That was supposed to be for Saix." Axel grinned sheepishly.

"So why was it in the Lab?" Vexen's eyebrows were narrowing quite dangerously.

"I guess I forgot to take it." Axel said.

"Axel, you _idiot!_" Axel had to dodge a random CD that Vexen flung at his head.

"Calm down, Vexen." Axel picked up the CD, _And Love Said No_ from HIM, and faced the Chilly Academic.

"I've been talking for hours and it won't go away!" Vexen wailed.

"Does Marly know about this?" Axel grinned hugely.

"No…" Vexen muttered.

"Oh, I'm _definitely_ telling him." Axel made a mad dash toward the door.

"Don't you dare, Axel." Vexen grabbed the hood of Axel's cloak, which resulted in Axel's near strangulation.

"Why not?" Axel's tone was the tone he used when he was challenging authority, which occurred more often than not, which shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. "It's not like he's not going to find out, Vexen."

"But I don't want you telling him." It was _so_ hard for Axel not to burst out laughing when he heard Vexen speak.

"Okay fine." Axel raised his arms in mock surrender. "But he's going to find out eventually."

* * *

It was a joyous day in the Castle That Never Was. Xigbar had obtained a new gun, Marluxia had successfully crossbred tulips and oysters, Luxord had won a round of poker for once in his non-existent life, Larxene had successfully cooked a salmon and Saix had finally beaten _Grand Theft Auto II_ after almost two years worth of play. Zexion, however, still had to organize the Library That Never Existed.

The Cloaked Schemer rearranged his illustrious library once a year, so this was nothing new to the members of Organization XIII. True, he used the Dewy Decimal System (sometimes and to some extent), but he had invented his own variation of the system in his many years in the Organization. Today, he was going to arrange the plethora (I love that word!) of books alphabetically. Seeing as he had over a million books, this would be a grand feat indeed if it was actually accomplished.

Zexion sat in the middle of the hideously large room with a ridiculous amount of books surrounding him. There wasn't anything more in the non-existent world that Zexion loved more than his books. And he always kept his books in such good care that it was almost criminal, not to mention shameful.

After sorting the books by subject matter, Zexion set forth searching the books dedicated to drugs for something to begin with. After much searching, VI found a book dedicated to PCP and this started the collection. After PCP followed books on meth, angel dust, pot, crack, nicotine and dope. I am horrible with drug names, so there could be some repeats. Don't shoot me for that.

In any case, Zexion soon moved on to fantasy, but not before Larxene stomped in looking very mad indeed.

"What is it, Larxene?" Zexion asked in his usually dull voice, though it was not as dull as Xemnas'.

"Marluxia kicked me out of the lounge." Larxene summoned her daggers and tossed one in the air.

"Why?" Zexion was more concerned about the relationship Henry VIII had with all six of his wives, but Larxene couldn't know that.

"Because I was watching _Laguna Beach_." Larxene snapped. "So I changed to _One Tree Hill_ and he was still mad. I'd had enough after _Desperate Housewives." _

"So he's not mad at you?" Zexion really didn't care.

"Oh, he is." Larxene tossed a knife in the air.

"But why are you in here?" Zexion's voice contained a trace of annoyance. "I'm trying to organize my books."

"Well, who cares about your books?" Larxene rolled her eyes.

"I do!" Zexion snapped.

"No need to get pissed, Zexion." Larxene said as she left.

Shaking his head, Zexion returned to his books. Because his thought process wasn't particularly on track after the intrusion of the Savage Nymph, he started working backwards. And for one reason or another, he started with _Dracula_, which makes no sense at all if you think about it.

It wasn't long, however, before an interruption entered in the form of Xigbar.

"What is it, Xigbar?" Zexion shelved the _Harry Potter _series next to _Ender's Game_.

"I'm looking for a place to practice." Xigbar tossed a stray bullet in the air.

"It's not going to be here." Zexion hissed.

"Okay, okay." Xigbar was surprised at the tone of Zexion's voice. "I'll go shoot some of Marluxia's plants."

"Fine, then." Zexion said as Xigbar left as slowly as he had come.

In a few moments time, Zexion moved on to the biographies, which would take him the longest to finish. He wouldn't be alone, however, because Roxas entered carrying a book in his arms.

"Roxas, if you are here to destroy my books, then get out." Zexion's patience had clearly run dry by this point.

"I'm going to read." Roxas said in that innocent voice of his.

"Oh." Zexion was quite surprised by the response of the thirteenth member. "Well, as long as you don't bother me or disrupt the books."

"I don't intend to." Roxas said hesitantly as he sunk into a squashy mauve armchair.

Time ticked by slowly as Zexion organized and Roxas read. Every now and then, Roxas would break the silence by asking Zexion what a word meant. Since Zexion was often called the walking dictionary by some of the Nobodies (Marluxia, Vexen, Xigbar and Axel) he wasn't a bad person to ask for a word definition.

"Done!" Zexion proclaimed three hours later.

"It took you that long?" Roxas looked up from his book.

"With the biographies." Zexion grinned.

Roxas stared blankly at the Cloaked Schemer. Did it _really_ take three hours to organize biographies? Then again, this was Zexion, so pretty much anything was possible.

"On to the countries!" Zexion exclaimed.

"I'm not going to ask…" Roxas resumed his reading, trying to ignore the actions of Zexion.

* * *

It was considered normal for strange smells to be emitting from the Lab That Never Was That Could Have Been Mistaken For Frankenstein's Lab Even Though Frankenstein Was Not A Scientist. It was, however, a rare day when no noxious fumes were coming from the ridiculously frigid room. So when Xemnas smelled something coming from the Lab, he figured it was nothing. When he realized it was something that he didn't recognize, such as isopropyl alcohol or meth, he decided that it was a good idea to investigate.

Upon entering the Lab, Xemnas saw Vexen seated at the Lab Table That Never Existed with a flask of liquid in front of him. For one reason or another, this made the Superior slightly suspicious.

"What's that, Vexen?" Xemnas asked warily.

"It's a flask of sulphur hexafluoride." Vexen's squeaky voice replied.

"And, uh, why is it here?" Xemnas raised an eyebrow.

"Because it has been known to reverse the effects of helium." Vexen said. "But it could kill me."

I'm sure no one would mind if Vexen suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. I know I wouldn't. :Insert evil grin here:

"Well, try not to die, Vexen." Xemnas said.

"It's not like I _want_ to die, Superior." Vexen snapped.

"Give it a shot." Xemnas jerked his head toward the liquid in front of the Chilly Academic.

Hesitantly, Vexen raised the flask to his lips and drained the liquid in a matter of seconds before convulsing violently on the floor before he coughed up a fountain of blood and died on the spot.

How I wish that would happen…

I can just _feel_ the glares on me now, so I guess I'll report what _really_ happened, even though I like my version so much better.

To make a long story short, the sulphur hexafluoride caused Vexen to be ridiculously violent before his voice returned. And by ridiculously violent I mean that he attempted to set fire to the Lab Table That Never Was and threw a flask of blood against the wall.

While Vexen was in his moment of rage, Xemnas was staring at the scene before him with very confused eyes. So Vexen really did have a dark and demonic side to him…alert the press! I'll write the article for my journalism class! I don't think that would go over too well.

"Vexen…" Xemnas asked hesitantly when the tirade had concluded ten minutes later, "are you okay?"

"I seem to be." Vexen said, climbing out from under the random couch in the vicinity.

"And your voice is normal." Xemnas said quite unnecessarily.

"It is?" Vexen apparently hadn't had much time to think on the matter. "Sweet!"

At that time, the door opened and Axel walked into the room, his angled eyes staring at the damage in the room that could be compared to the remains of Dresden after the bombings in World War II.

"What the fuck happened?" Another example of Axel's use of the f-bomb.

"Vexen has his voice back." Xemnas' voice returned to the monotonous drone that it usually was.

"Seriously?" A mixed look of confusion and annoyance spread across the face of the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Yep!" Vexen grinned.

"I think I'll go set the Lounge on fire." Axel walked quite nonchalantly out of the room.

"Get back here, Axel!" Xemnas dashed off after the pyro to prevent further damage from falling on the Castle That Never Was.

Vexen watched the two leave with an expression of barely suppressed glee on his face. His voice was normal again! He could be seen with Marluxia again. Now he was off to find that lover of his…

**Huh. I'm STILL waiting for my copy of the new dir en grey CD. and i have to write a review on it for journalism on it by tomorrow. i'm tempted to go out to barnes and noble and demand why it isn't in yet. **

**Rantings aside, the next update should be MUCH faster since i've already started writing it. I'll be free after monday when we tear down the set for the play and i have a bout a hundred ideas of my own, plus some from my readers. i'm going to try to combine a few of them for my sake and the chapters' sake, but they will definitly be worth the wait. that being said, review?**

**next chapter: do any of vexen's experiments turn out like they should?**


	23. Giant Goldfish of Doom

**Disclaimer: I don't own KH **

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! Half of this chapter goes to Sakurahime92 for the werewolves. I think another part was for someone else, but i can't remember who at the moment...sorry! Anyway, on with the deadly tale!**

Roxas knew something bad was going to happen the instant he woke up.

He didn't know when, he didn't know why and he didn't know how. Maybe it had something to do with the pyro that was sleeping next to him in his bed, since Axel was known for starting some form of chaos.

"Wake up, Axel." Roxas said, gently nudging VIII's arm.

Axel, of course, didn't wake up. That guy could sleep through an air raid. I'm not kidding. But Roxas knew how to wake him up.

"Oh my God, Axel! Someone didn't burn their waffle this morning!"

Instantaneously, Axel sat bolt upright with a look of pure terror on his face. After looking around the room for a few moments, he realized that he had been awoken by Roxas and glared quite hatefully at his lover.

"You didn't have to do that, Roxas." Axel said hatefully.

"You wouldn't wake up any other way." Roxas shrugged, snuggling against Axel's neck.

"Well, why did you want me up anyway?" Axel was trying to sound annoyed, but his façade was failing.

"I think something bad is going to happen today." Roxas said.

"What do you mean?" Axel frowned.

"I just think that something bad is going to happen. I don't know what and I don't how when, but something's going to go wrong." Roxas explained.

"That's ridiculous, Roxas." Axel rolled his peridot eyes.

"Okay, we'll see who's talking when the Castle blows up." Roxas said firmly.

"You're being paranoid, Roxas." Axel assured him. "Nothing's going to happen today."

"I bet I'm right." Roxas said.

"You _want_ something bad to happen?" Axel looked at his boyfriend in a confused manner.

"I didn't say that." Roxas said.

"That's what you implied." Axel shrugged.

"No, I didn't." Roxas shook his head.

"I'm bored." Axel said randomly. "Let's go play some pinball."

"Sounds like a plan to me." Roxas said, even though he knew the conversation was far from over.

* * *

Demyx sat alone in his room, reading a book on werewolves, which was something he shouldn't be doing. Whenever the Melodious Nocturne read anything dealing with the supernatural, he was scared witless for weeks. I need hardly mention the time when he barricaded himself in the Kitchen That Never Was after reading a book on crop circles.

So while he was thinking, a thought of the transformations crossed his mind. Why did werewolves only transform at full moons? It didn't make sense to him. Then again, does anything make sense to Demyx? Not really.

Even though he should have forgotten about the full moon thing, Demyx logged onto his (surprise!) ivory laptop and did a Yahoo search for werewolves. While he found nothing on the topic of werewolves, he _did_ find a number of useful ads for relationship help, doctors with degrees in performing lobotomies and help for those with enlarged prostates. Giving up on the wondrous thing that is the Internet, Demyx decided that he should go find that book-obsessed lover of his and see what he had to say about the matter.

Demyx found Zexion in the Lounge That Never Existed (ha!) Part VI reading a book (no surprise there) about the Opium Wars (is it obvious what we're talking about in AP Euro?). The Cloaked Schemer looked mildly surprised when his scatterbrained lover made his grand entrance and therefore marked his place in his book before closing it.

"What's up, Demyx?"

"What do you know about werewolves?" Demyx asked, sitting down on the couch next to VI.

Zexion gave the Melodious Nocturne a peculiar look before saying, "You're reading sci-fi again, aren't you?"

"No…" Demyx isn't known for his lying skills.

"You know how that stuff freaks you out, Demy." Zexion said.

"But I want to know!" Demyx exclaimed.

"Know what?" Zexion toyed with the chains on his cloak.

"Why werewolves change at a full moon." Demyx replied.

"The truth will scar you like the fruit incident did with Lexaeus." Zexion said.

"But I still want to know!" Demyx shouted.

"Demyx, do you remember when you watched Saix throw a burning skillet at Xaldin?" Zexion asked.

"No…" Demyx shook his head.

"Then how about when you saw Axel torture Xigbar by means of thumbscrews?" Zexion was positive his boyfriend remembered _that_.

"Yes…" Demyx was now looking slightly nauseated.

"The truth will have that same effect on you." Zexion said.

Now I _really_ have no clue why werewolves phase at a full moon. This is probably because I am not as fond of werewolves as I am vampires. And I can't look up the reason because our computer decided that it wanted to be anal and get a stupid virus.

This brings on another point. I have no fucking clue when I'm going to be able to update. At this point, the computer is still running a virus scan and I found out from my dad-who is currently asleep right now- about the whole problem by means of Post-it notes. If the computer really does have a virus, then I might have to update this at school. Or Dad could be bringing his laptop home that has access to the Internet because the one that I am typing this on now can't hold a connection. This is the laptop I used when I had to update _Silence Loud_ all those years ago. It's been a long time, hasn't it?

The point is that I'll be updating soon since I expect to finish this chapter sometime today. If not today, then maybe tomorrow if we go to the computer lab in Journalism. But we haven't been going as of late, so I don't know if this is going to happen.

I've finished writing about Demyx and werewolves for the time being, though they may make another appearance in later chapters. And I bet everyone is mad at me for explaining things that should be in AN, but who really cares? New subject!

* * *

Now that _that's _out of the way, let's get into some _real_ horror: Larxene's singing.

Larxene sings like me: badly. For those who know me personally, you know how bad this is. I can't hold a pitch to save my life. The difference between me and Larxene, however, is that I know and admit that I can't sing.

Larxene thinks she should be on American Idol.

I can see how that'd turn out. :grins at my runaway imagination:

In any case, Xaldin was in the bathroom styling his hair once again. He was tying up one of his braids when a very loud rendition of _Womanizer_ could be heard throughout the Castle That Never Was. Xaldin didn't dwell on this until he recognized that the voice didn't belong to Saix, who was known to sing the above song when he was banging Marluxia against the fridge.

Marluxia gets around, huh?

After cycling through the members of Organization XIII, Xaldin had to conclude that the singer was Larxene. This was confirmed even more so when she started singing (though that's not really the right word here) a screechy version of _Genie in a Bottle_.

Deciding that enough was enough, Xaldin stormed out of the bathroom and marched into the room belonging to the Savage Nymph only to find the absence of her presence. The Whirlwind Lancer marched into the next room, which happened to belong to Luxord.

"Where is she?" Xaldin knew that Luxord knew what he was talking about.

"I have no idea." Luxord shook his head, looking up from his game of Egyptian Rat Screw that he was playing with himself. "I just heard her singing _It's Not Over_ ten minutes ago. Lexaeus said that she was supposed to be in the Pride Lands on a mission."

"Well, she obviously isn't." Xaldin said as _Walking Disaster_ could be heard.

"I'd check the Target Room." Luxord said.

"Why would she be there?" Xaldin looked at the Gambler of Fate in confusion.

"It's something." Luxord shrugged.

So Xaldin found himself in the Target Room That Never Was That Really Held No Purpose Except For Collecting Dust. The only inhabitant in this senseless room was Xigbar who was shooting gun-arrows at cardboard cut-outs of monkeys.

"Where is she?" Xaldin demanded.

"Who, Joan of Arc?" Xigbar asked.

"_Who_?!" Was Xaldin's confused reply. "Why the _hell_ were you thinking about Joan of Arc?"

"No idea." Xigbar shrugged.

"No, I mean Larxene." Xaldin said, as the Savage Nymph burst into a rendition of _Welcome to the Jungle_.

"Game Room Part XIV." Luxord said.

"Thanks." Xaldin said before leaving and making his way up to one of the many Game Rooms in the Castle.

When he reached the room, Xaldin found Larxene standing on a foosball table, singing into a hairbrush. Only Marluxia's dead grandmother knows why.

"Larxene, what the _fuck_ are you doing?" Xaldin turned off the stereo that was blasting from a corner.

"Murdering innocent puppies." Larxene rolled her eyes.

"Stop, okay? No one likes your singing." Xaldin said.

"I do." Larxene protested.

"You don't count." Xaldin said. "And aren't you supposed to be on a mission?"

"Did it this morning." Larxene said.

"Okay, fine. Just shut up." Xaldin said before walking out of the room.

* * *

If a day seems normal, something is bound to go wrong. It seemed like a normal day when Luxord OD'd on Zoloft, Ibuprofen and crack. It seemed like a normal day when Axel sent a fireball into the Conservatory. It seemed like a normal day when Lexaeus fell through six flights of stairs.

Are we seeing a pattern here? We should be.

For one reason or another, Marluxia thought it was going to be a normal day. He was going to water some plants, prevent the Tiger Lilies from killing the African Violets, and crossbreed some Tasmanian devils with kelp. Just a normal day.

He realized it _wasn't_ a normal day, however, when a large goldfish suddenly appeared on top of his primroses.

Clearly, this was something of Vexen's doing. He'd have to have a word with him about that…

Marluxia grabbed the enormous fish and threw it into the nearby Pool with complete nonchalance and resumed his business. A few moments later, Roxas and Axel stomped into the room, both looking very wet indeed.

"What now?" Marluxia asked warily.

"Where is Vexen?" Axel hissed.

"How should I know?" Marluxia shrugged.

"We were having sex when a giant fish landed on me, which caused me to almost suffocate Roxas!" Axel yelled.

Well, we've learned who is the seme in the relationship, huh?

"One just landed on my primroses a few minutes ago." Marluxia said, piling dirt into a pot of carrots.

"Where is it?" Roxas asked.

"I threw it into the pool." Marluxia said.

At this moment, a very annoyed Saix stormed into the room, his golden eyes narrowed with great annoyance.

"What is it, Saix?" Marluxia sighed.

"Where is Vexen?" Saix demanded.

"Did you have a goldfish land on top of you?" Axel asked.

"No, but it smashed my plasma TV!" Saix exclaimed.

"Marluxia!" came a cry from the jungle that resided in the Conservatory That Never Was.

It turned out that Xemnas had something to say about Vexen as well.

"A goldfish, I assume?" Marluxia didn't even have to ask.

"Yes, actually." Xemnas was somewhat startled.

"Us too." Roxas gestured to himself, Saix and Axel.

"Where is that lover of yours?" Xemnas glared at the Graceful Assassin.

"I'm right here."

And indeed, Vexen could be seen walking into the Conservatory donning a lab coat.

"There had better be a good explanation for this, Vexen." Axel hissed. "You interrupted sex again."

"I don't really care." Vexen said.

"Well, we care about the fish!" Xemnas snapped.

"Fish?" Vexen was clearly unaware of the random fish that kept popping up and about. "What fish?"

Without speaking, Marluxia grabbed the Chilly Academic by the arm and dragged him out to the Pool That Never Was were the giant goldfish still resided.

"Ah." Vexen nodded.

"Get rid of it." Xemnas said through clenched teeth.

"All you have to do is poke it." Vexen said.

"That's it?" Roxas raised an eyebrow.

"Yep." Vexen nodded as he followed Marluxia back over to the group.

With that, Roxas ran over to the Pool, jumped in, swam over to the fish and poked it. A cloud of purple and blue smoke erupted and the fish was gone.

"That was fun!" Roxas exclaimed as he clambered out of the pool.

"At least it's gone." Saix said.

A shriek, however, could be heard from somewhere in the Castle that was probably Zexion's room, followed by the sounds of something being thrown into water. Axel sighed and said, "Apparently not."

**I hope it was a LITTLE entertaining. I'm hoping to let this story get to the triple digets, but that might not happen since we're not even at 50 yet. Anyway, review?**

**next chapter: dogs at Castle Oblivion are never a good thing**


	24. Jelly Castles

**Disclaimer: I now own KH. I had to fight Xemnas, Axel and Lexaeus for it, but I now own KH.**

**That is one BS disclaimer, huh?**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! I'm updating this before shool so I can hopefully get some reviews today. this chapter is for MegaKiriraLover. ^_^ On with the deadly tale!**

As I mentioned in an earlier chapter, there is always something to be called a crisis in Organization XIII. Most 'crises' were something of a trivial nature. Prime examples of this would be when Marluxia's Snapping Dragons magically came to life when Xaldin replaced the fertilizer with caffeine and when Saix, Luxord, and Xigbar went out drinking in Hollow Bastion and didn't return for three straight weeks. While these were considered 'crises' to the paranoid leader, the rest of the infamous Organization wouldn't really dwell on them.

The subject of this chapter, however, brings on a true crisis, my friends. And when I say a true crisis, I mean to say that something occurs that makes all the other Nobodies consider the event to be a crisis.

A few weeks after the events of the last chapter, Xemnas, Marluxia, and Vexen were touring the Organization's latest "toy": Castle Oblivion, a structure that has gone unmentioned in this story as of late and I felt it was a good time to mention it. Zexion had wanted to go along, so he could tour the new library that took up a good six floors, but Demyx made him stay behind so he could watch the World Series. Why Zexion has to be around for Demyx to watch the World Series is beyond me.

I suppose that I should explain what exactly Castle Oblivion is. I am aware that some people find _Chain of Memories_ a complete waste of time. This is actually the only KH game that I own since I don't have a PlayStation. I watched my friend go through The World That Never Was at her house, but that's about it. Well, I've downloaded a lot of the cut scenes from KH:II and I got the game guide for the second game for Christmas last year. But I will explain for those who are too stubborn to play _Chain of Memories_ or the PlayStation equivalent, even though most people should have a decent understanding of the terrors –in some people's opinion. I don't see why it was such a horror except that so many of the Organization died- that occurred there.

Castle Oblivion is (surprise!) a castle ruled by none other than Marluxia in _Chain of Memories_. I don't know why Xemnas allowed Marluxia to control the thing. Anyway, Sora first meets Axel and through a series of events, he meets Larxene, Vexen and Marluxia. Zexion and Lexaeus are also in the game, but Sora doesn't meet them. To make a long story short and to keep me from describing the entire fucking game, everyone in the Organization but Axel gets killed off. Why am I not surprised…:insert maniacal grin here:

I'll stop now because some people really hate CoM and I could get some flames just by mentioning the game.

In any case, Vexen was admiring the lab he would be using when he would reside in Castle Oblivion. The lab looked exactly like the Lab That Never Was That Should Be Imploded, which suited the Chilly Academic greatly. Because he didn't want to wait in boredom for his lover to return from touring Castle Oblivion, Vexen decided to make an experiment: he would turn a cabbage orange. Hey, I need _some_thing to work with and I didn't get much sleep last night, plus I didn't take my ADD meds this morning so I'm tired and my train of thought is going about six different directions.

Vexen found a cabbage underneath a pile of dust and cobwebs that were lying underneath a hideous mauve couch. It appeared that the Lab (yes, it will be capitalized from this point onward) had previously been used for storage. After mixing up several chemicals with names too long to pronounce, Vexen dropped a cabbage into a boiling pot and waited. The end result was _not_ what he expected. I didn't expect it either and I'm telling this damn story.

Vexen had succeeded in turning the whole of Castle Oblivion into jelly.

Well, _this_ could be problematic, huh?

As he looked around the room, Vexen had to wonder what in hell caused this to happen.

"This is absolutely ridiculous!" he said to himself, something he does quite often. "I did nothing out of the ordinary. I remembered to add liquid mercury, which is obvious since the structure isn't made of green beans. Hmm…it looks like potato flavoured. I wonder what it tastes like…"

Wow. Vexen could possibly be more random than I am.

That being said, Vexen grabbed a chunk of nearby jelly from the "wall" and took a bite. Cherry! How blissful!

It was at that moment that a very annoyed Xemnas and Marluxia stomped into the room. Well, stomped isn't the right word there. You can't really stomp through jelly. That would be hard. It's needless to say that I and XI were very annoyed indeed with the Chilly Academic.

"What did you _do_, Vexen?!" Marluxia demanded when he saw that the Lab was made of jelly.

"I tried to turn a cabbage orange!" Vexen exclaimed.

"Can you go through a day without causing chaos?" Xemnas demanded.

"I guess not." Vexen shrugged.

"Obviously." Marluxia muttered under his breath.

"Vexen, you have twenty-four hours to find out how to fix this mess before I have Axel kill you." Xemnas' voice was full of seriousness.

"It's not that easy, Superior!" Vexen exclaimed.

"Just fix it." Xemnas snapped before storming out of the room with Marluxia close behind him.

* * *

A stealthy black-hooded figure made his way through the Castle That Never Was, trying to be as secretive as possible. Oh, come on! Really? Does anyone think that Lexaeus can be sneaky? Cue the crickets, people, because that can't happen.

The Silent Hero had been on a mission in Traverse Town where he was supposed to be eliminating heartless to add to Kingdom Hearts. He had been running aimlessly about when he saw a puppy asleep on the ground. It appeared to be a little German Shepard puppy, which just so happened to be Lexaeus' favourite breed of dog.

So of _course_ he had to take it home with him.

Running into his room, Lexaeus slammed the door shut and locked all six bolts, something he only did when he was watching _Dora the Explorer _or_ Out of the Box_. He gently set the puppy down on the floor, where it proceeded to sniffing its surroundings before running back to Lexaeus.

"It's okay, little guy." Lexaeus told it while he scratched behind the puppy's ears.

Yeah, Lexaeus. Because every puppy wants to find a home with thirteen crazy, sadistic and uncontrollable Nobodies with unnatural superpowers. Oh, and don't forget to mention that the world they live in doesn't really exist. At least it's not inside Ansem's computer. That would really suck.

In any case, a knock sounded at the door. Lexaeus grabbed the puppy and shoved it inside the closet before opening the door to find Roxas standing in the doorway.

"What, Roxas?" Lexaeus demanded.

"You have my _Black Cat_ DVD." Roxas said simply.

Lexaeus crossed the room to the TV, where Roxas' DVD rested on top the PlayStation, grabbed the DVD in question and handed it to the Key of Destiny before shutting the door, bolting the locks, and letting the puppy out of the closet.

What a long sentence. I won't even say what I'm thinking at the moment.

After playing with the puppy for several hours, Lexaeus had picked out the perfect name for it: Renji. True, it wasn't an original name since Renji is a popular character in _Bleach_, but Lexaeus couldn't think of another name. So Renji it was.

And it appeared that little Renji liked to climb on things since he tried to climb on the desk at least six times in three minutes. That would be problematic; especially trying to hide the little guy from everyone in the Organization. Because Xemnas wouldn't put up with a puppy, that much was certain.

* * *

Once he got tired of watching _Black Cat_, Roxas decided to watch _Ouran High School Host Club_, a series that I've been re-watching over the last few weeks. He was watching the episode where Hikaru and Haruhi go on a date originally planned by Kaoru when everything turned to jelly.

Huh. It must be another one of Vexen's experiments.

But wait…Vexen was at Castle Oblivion with Xemnas and Marluxia. It would make sense if there was a lab in the unknown castle. But there was hopefully not a lab there. It was bad enough having one in the Castle That Never Was.

In an attempt to find someone who knew something about what was going on, Roxas abandoned the Lounge That Never Existed Part IX and headed to the Kitchen That Never Was where he found Axel and Saix eating what had probably been grilled cheese.

"I guess it's everywhere." Roxas said.

"What a pain in the ass." Axel cursed as Saix grabbed some purple jelly from the counter and ate it.

"Vexen's not even here!" Roxas exclaimed, knowing something this outlandish could only be caused by number IV himself. "So why is this happening?"

"No clue." Saix shrugged. "And the jelly's kelp flavoured."

"Kelp?" Axel raised his eyebrow. "Are you serious, Saix?"

"No, it's tuna and dung flavoured." Saix rolled his eyes.

"So what are we going to do?" Roxas asked, not bothering to sit down in one of the jelly chairs.

"Wait for Vexen to fix it." Axel shrugged.

"What if he can't?" Saix asked dramatically.

"Well, he has to." Axel pointed out. "Or we could live in Castle Oblivion."

"But he's in Castle Oblivion now. So wouldn't it be made of jelly too?" Roxas added.

"Oh, right." Axel frowned. "Well, we're screwed."

"Yes, we are."

Luxord stumbled in, obviously drunk and smelling strongly of Heineken, and flopped down in a jelly-chair.

"You're drunk, Luxord." Saix said needlessly.

"I shaw Lexaeush with a dog." Luxord slurred.

"I'm sure you did." Roxas said.

"Sherioushly!" Luxord's British accent only made the situation more comical.

"I'll believe it when pigs fly." Saix said.

"Vexen's already done that." Axel pointed out.

"Oh, look! Jelly!" Luxord exclaimed before passing out on the floor.

"God dammit, Luxord." Axel shook his head at the actions of the Gambler of Fate. "Can you go one day without getting drunk?"

"I don't think so." Roxas shook his head.

It took several hours for the castle to return to normal. In that time, Saix, Axel and Roxas had played two-hundred sixty-seven rounds of Twenty Questions, played I Spy, which wasn't really a challenge anymore, and tried to get Luxord to regain consciousness, which _was_ a challenge. Axel had X by his ankles and Saix and Roxas were throwing jelly at the seemingly British Nobody when everything returned to normal with a sound that a vacuum cleaner makes when something gets stuck inside it.

"Wow." Axel dropped Luxord who went crashing onto the marble tile.

"I guess Vexen fixed it." Roxas said.

A portal of sandy blackness erupted in the middle of the room and Xemnas, Vexen and Marluxia appeared.

"That was ridiculous, Vexen." Saix said.

"How do you know it was me?" Vexen snapped.

"Who else could it be?" Axel exclaimed.

"Marluxia, Vexen, go find Zexion and tell him about he library." Xemnas said. "He's going to want to know about that."

"If you say so." Marluxia said, dragging the deranged scientist behind him.

"So how was it, Superior?" Roxas asked.

It was at this time that a bark could be heard from somewhere in the castle. All conscious Nobodies looked at each other for a moment before turning to Luxord, as though the drunken Nobody could be the source behind the strange and unusual noise.

"I guess Lexaeus really does have a dog." Axel said.

"Who told you this?" Xemnas demanded.

"Luxord, but he was drunk so we didn't think much of it." Saix said.

"We'll see about that." Xemnas said.

So the Nobodies marched down to Lexaeus' room, where they found the Silent Hero playing with a little German Shepard puppy on the floor.

"Why the fuck do you have a puppy, Lexaeus?" Axel asked.

"It looked so lonely…" Lexaeus said.

"Get rid of it." Xemnas ordered.

"I'm not getting rid of Renji!" Lexaeus yelled as he scooped the puppy up in his arms.

"Renji?" Roxas raised an eyebrow.

"As in Renji from _Bleach_?" Axel's lips formed a smile in amusement.

"Uh-huh." Lexaeus nodded.

"He's going to be problematic, Superior." Saix said.

"Who, Lexaeus or the dog?" Axel questioned.

"Both, actually." Saix said.

"Lexaeus, we can't really keep him." Xemnas said.

"Aww, come on, Superior." Axel took the puppy from Lexaeus and held him like most would hold a cat. "He's kinda cute."

"That's not the point, Axel." Xemnas said. "Dogs are work."

"So is Vexen but you let us keep him." Axel smiled.

"We have to keep Vexen." Xemnas said.

"Larxene would torture him." Saix said in reference to Renji.

"No!" Lexaeus grabbed Renji back from Axel and held the puppy close to his chest.

"Maybe we could try it out, Superior." Roxas suggested. "It's not definite he's staying, but we could see how he is with everyone else."

Xemnas seemed to think this over for a moment or two before saying, "Okay, fine."

"Yes!" Lexaeus exclaimed.

"But if he causes trouble, we get rid of him." Xemnas added. "Understood?"

"Yes, sir." Lexaeus said sadly.

"Maybe he could help out on missions." Saix said. "Larxene and Axel could train him to hunt."

"Why would this cute little thing hunt?" Axel grabbed Renji from Saix once more. "He's so adorable!"

"Wow, Axel. I don't think I've seen you like this before." Roxas said.

"Were you paying attention at all when you first got here, Roxas?" Xemnas asked.

"I was too scared to notice much, Superior." Roxas said.

"Axel was the same way when you showed up." Saix said.

"That's kinda creepy." Lexaeus said.

"No, it's not." Axel scratched Renji behind the ears.

"Yes, it is." Saix said.

Renji barked again and Larxene could be heard yelling, "Where is that stupid dog?!"

"Good luck telling Larxene." Xemnas said as he walked out of the room along with everyone else.

A dog in Organization XIII…sweet mercy, it's the apocalypse

**Yeah, I kinda messed up. I thought Mega-chan said that she wanted a puppy but it was supposed to be a kitty....I just realized, like, five seconds ago.........I feel really horrible about that. **

**Is it obvious that I'm a bit of a Renji fan? :maniacal grin: Yeah, the little puppy's going to stay! anyway, review?**

**next chapter: puppy trouble**


	25. Dog Patrol

**Disclaimer: How lovely would it be to own Kingdom Hearts...**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! This is a pretty interesting chapter, if I do say so myself. I find the ending to be very amusing. ^_^ Anyway, I don't have a lot to say for once so....on with the deadly tale!**

While the news of having a dog in Organization XIII was a bit of a shock to some, it was eventually accepted, though if not grudgingly. If Larxene had had her way, she would have chopped off Renji's head when he first arrived. Xaldin seemed to share her sediments at first, but he learned to at least keep them under control.

So the weeklong trial process began with hesitancy, excitement, and two hundred thousand bottles of Smirnoff. After going through all but one of the bottles, almost all the Nobodies in the Castle That Never Was had passed out drunk.

Is anyone really surprised by this?

The morning after the ridiculous bash, Zexion was reading a book on how the French Revolution could have played a role in Greece's revolts for independence. Zexion always reads things like this, so no one took any notice. Lexaeus must have obtained this book at some point in time because he had written some very childish words that would make my friend burst out laughing, but only when he's in AP Euro. I swear, when he walks into AP Euro, he instantly turns twelve.

In any case, a scratching sound could be heard from the door, which meant that Renji was probably outside. And lo and behold, when Zexion opened the door, the little German Shepard puppy was staring at the Cloaked Schemer with those infamous puppy eyes. You all know what I'm talking about.

"Okay, fine." Zexion jerked his head toward the room inside, for Renji appeared to be waiting for Zexion's permission to enter.

Renji padded inside and tried to climb on Zexion's bed, but failed miserably, the end result being that he was half on and half off and trying to pull his back end up on the bed.

"Why do you want up there?" Zexion asked as he picked up the puppy and walked back over to the black leather couch where his book rested. "There's nothing interesting up there."

Renji gave Zexion a look that clearly said, "oh, yes there was."

"You could be reading a book on Greek independence!" Zexion exclaimed, showing Renji a picture in the book.

Renji gazed at the picture with an expression of fascination before curling up on Zexion's lap and falling asleep.

"God dammit, Renji." Zexion rolled his eyes in an agitated manner. "Do you _have_ to fall asleep?"

A knock at the door sounded before Axel walked in. When he saw the unusual scene before him, he smirked and said, "Aww, he likes you, Zexy."

"Stop calling me that." Zexion glared. "And he just fell asleep!"

"Well, Xemnas told me and Roxas to go play fetch outside." Axel said, taking the still sleeping Renji from Zexion.

"What are you going to throw?" Zexion frowned. "We don't have Frisbees."

"My chakram." Axel shrugged.

Zexion could have said _so_ many things to that statement, but decided not to, knowing that Axel would most certainly start a riot to anything he said.

* * *

A sure sign of trouble in Organization XIII was when the smoke alarm went off.

"Where the fuck is that fucking fire?" Vexen demanded as he raced up from the Lab That Never Was to find Saix dashing toward him.

"Forget that. Where the fuck is Axel?" Saix questioned as he and Vexen both ran to the stairwell. "He always disappears when the smoke alarm goes off."

"That's because he usually causes it to go off in the first place." Saix said.

The two ran into Xemnas' office, figuring they might as well start somewhere, and found Xemnas asleep at his desk. The leader of the Organization apparently hadn't heard the alarm go off. That man can sleep through a bomb raid, I tell you.

"Wake the fuck up, Superior!" Vexen screeched.

"What now, Vexen?" Xemnas demanded groggily. "And why is the smoke alarm going off?"

"Where the fuck is Axel?" Saix demanded, ignoring Xemnas' question.

"Out with Roxas and Renji." Xemnas replied.

"That fucking asshole!" Vexen slammed his hand against the wall.

"What the fuck did he do?" Saix snapped.

"How should I know?" Xemnas shrugged. "And what's with the word fuck?"

But before his question could be answered, Vexen and Saix had vanished, both heading off in the direction of the Kitchen That Never Was That Still Looked Like A Japanese Sushi Bar, where Axel could probably be found. And they did find Axel there, but he was coming inside from the Target Range That Never Existed.

"What the fuck did you do, Axel?" Saix demanded.

"Why is it that every time the smoke alarm goes off you guys blame me?" Axel snapped.

"Well, who here controls fire, asshole?" Vexen retorted.

"Eh, good point." Axel shrugged. "I didn't do anything, though."

"You can help figure out where the fire is, you know." Saix said. "No wait, go get Demyx. He needs to put it out."

"Do you not remember the time the old headquarters caught on fire?" Axel raised an eyebrow.

"Just do it!" Saix screamed, to which Axel responded by dashing from the scene, trying to ignore the siren around him, which for one reason or another sounded like one used in an air raid.

Axel found Demyx in the Game Room That Never Was Part XIX playing _Viva Piñata _on the PlayStation. I think that's what the platform is. I'm not very good with video games. And yet what is this story about? A video game. Go figure.

"Demyx, we need you to put the fire out." Axel said, dragging the Melodious Nocturne away from the TV screen.

"But I don't like fire!" Demyx wailed.

"Just do it, okay?" Axel snapped. "I can't do anything about it."

"Yes, you can." Demyx was obviously not thinking very clearly.

"Demyx, I'd just make it worse." Axel said. "You know that."

The fire was eventually found to be a non-existent one. It turned out that Lexaeus had set one of his weights on the button in the control room in the Studio That Never Existed and triggered the alarm that sounded like an air raid.

"That asshole." Marluxia complained later. "Why can't he do anything right?"

"Because of the fruit incident." Xaldin said with a shrug.

"That has nothing to do with anything!" Marluxia exclaimed.

"Do you even know what the fruit incident is?" Xaldin raised an eyebrow.

"Of course I do!" Marluxia exclaimed.

"Uh-huh." Xaldin knew that Marluxia was lying. Didn't he always?

* * *

Xigbar hated cooking, so this was probably the reason why Xemnas had ordered him to make dinner that night. Because Xemnas is a sadistic schizophrenic and we all know it.

So the problem now was deciding on what to make. It was as hard as hell cooking for thirteen people and Xemnas had forbidden him from going to McDonald's. Go figure.

In an attempt to find something remotely easy that wouldn't cause Saix to go into Berserk mode, Xigbar had gone through every mother-fucking cookbook in the entire castle. His search proved to be futile.

"Having trouble, Xigbar?" Luxord asked as he strolled into the room.

"I don't know what to make for dinner." Xigbar said.

"Good luck with that." Luxord said. "I hate dinner duty."

"Luxord, you never have dinner duty." Xigbar reminded him.

"I don't?" Luxord frowned.

"Nope." Xigbar shook his head.

"Oh." Luxord now looked like he'd watched _The Phantom of the Opera_ football style.

"Exactly." Xigbar said.

"So what are you making?" Luxord asked.

"I don't know!" Xigbar yelled so loudly that the dead were instantly awoken in Finland.

Man, I love Finland. They have amazing music there, even if the language is hard to pronounce.

"Chill, man." Luxord raised his hands in the air in mock surrender.

"I'll just make chicken noodle soup." Xigbar decided.

"Then why go to all the trouble thinking of what to make?" Luxord wondered.

"Because I couldn't think of anything five minutes ago!" Xigbar yelled.

"Peace, gunman!" Luxord said. "I can see that I'm causing problems here."

And with that, the Gambler of Fate left Xigbar alone so he could make his chicken noodle soup.

* * *

Zexion sat alone on the Porch That Never Existed Before In This Story, now reading a book on the Bolshevik Revolution (is my second favourite history subject a bit obvious? And we're talking about it in AP Euro). This lovely porch had been invented one day a few years back when Xemnas decided it was high time for the addition to be constructed. So of course Lexaeus had to build it since earth was his element. It would have been much simpler to have a licensed constructor build it since Lexaeus couldn't tell the difference between a hammer and a power drill. Then again, no one exists in the World That Never Was, so they couldn't really hire constructors if they wanted to.

In any case, the Cloaked Schemer was having a joyous time reading his book, correcting grammatical mistakes as he went. He had just started reading the chapter when Nicholas II was executed (in 1918 if anyone wants to know) when Lexaeus stomped into the room. But wouldn't earthen platform be the more apt term?

"What is it, Lexaeus?" Zexion sighed.

"You're cheating on me!"

Zexion was somewhat taken aback by Lexaeus' accusation, as I'm sure many would. If my boyfriend (or girlfriend, for that matter) told me that I was cheating on them, I'd be somewhat appalled. Then again, I don't have a boyfriend –or girlfriend-, so I can't really say anything on the matter.

"What are you _talking_ about?" Zexion frowned.

"You're cheating on me!" Lexaeus repeated.

"I'm not even going out with you anymore!" Zexion exclaimed.

"Well, you were when we were!" Lexaeus accused.

"One, that statement makes no sense whatsoever." Zexion said. "And two, no I wasn't."

"Yes you were!" Lexaeus shrieked.

"No, I wasn't." Zexion said firmly.

"Then why did you get with Demyx so quickly after we broke up?" Lexaeus demanded.

"Because I had liked him for a while." Zexion said. "Is that good enough for you?"

"No!" Lexaeus exclaimed.

"Well, it'll have to be because it's the truth, Lexaeus." Zexion said, his eyes returning to his book.

"No, it's not!" Lexaeus screamed.

"Are you being more mentally unstable than usual?" Zexion frowned. "You knew all this when I broke up with you."

"I didn't know you loved Demyx!"

Wow. Is this sounding like a soap opera to anyone else? It's kind of amusing if you think about it.

"No one knew about that." Zexion shrugged.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lexaeus demanded.

"Because I was still going out with you." Zexion said blatantly.

"Lexaeus!" cried a voice from somewhere.

Marluxia came stalking onto the Porch That Could Collapse At Any Given Moment. It appeared that the Graceful Assassin had somehow fallen into the Pool That Never Was, but how was unclear at this point in time.

"What is it, Marluxia?" Zexion asked with complete nonchalance.

"Lexaeus, you left the sprinklers on in the Kitchen." Marluxia hissed.

"How do you know it was me?" Lexaeus demanded.

"Because you left a note saying 'Lexaeus turned on the sprinklers'." Marluxia gave the infamous Death-Glare That Really Belonged To Larxene.

"Ah." Lexaeus said while Zexion shook his head in annoyance. "I'll get it."

"Don't you have any common sense, Lexaeus?" Zexion asked.

"You dated him, didn't you?" Marluxia questioned. "Shouldn't you know?"

* * *

"Axel, watch where you're going!"

Roxas and Axel were in the Target Range That Never Was playing fetch with Renji. Somehow, though, it had turned into a game of Axel lounging around while Roxas played with the puppy. But for one reason or another, Axel had fallen asleep and had started sleepwalking.

Now, this might be amusing to some, but Roxas thought that the actions of his pyromaniacal lover had gone too far when said pyromaniacal (is it obvious that I love that word?) lover had started to set random objects on fire that included-but were not limited to- the chair, a tree and Saix's sixty-four thousand dollar plasma screen.

"Axel!" Roxas yelled as Axel started to do the same to Xigbar's barrels of gunpowder. "Wake the fuck up!"

When this didn't work, Roxas decided to move on to the next best thing. So Roxas placed his lips over Axel's and started kissing the flaming redhead.

Somewhere in all this, Axel must have woken up because he said, "What's going on, Roxas?"

"You're starting fires again, that's what." Roxas threw another bucket of water on an innocent patch of daises.

"I was?" Axel frowned, which made him look absolutely adorable in Roxas' opinion.

"Yes, you did." Roxas said glaringly.

"But I was asleep." Axel pointed out.

"That's never stopped you before." Roxas said.

A yip in the middle of the Target Range That Never Was That Really Is A Large Field made the two Nobodies face the very annoyed Renji, who appeared to be waiting for the other two.

"That's one smart dog." Roxas commented.

"Tell me about it." Axel rolled his eyes. "At least he's friendly."

Renji padded over to the two with something in his mouth. It appeared that the German Shepard puppy had dug up one of Zexion's books. Who had buried it was (and still is) unclear, though I personally believe that Saix might have done it when he was Berserk.

"What do you have, Renji?" Axel asked as he picked up the book. "Roxas, this is the book that Zexion was looking for."

A few non-existent years ago, Zexion had obtained (from an unknown source that was probably a drug dealer) a book on the execution of Charles II. Why a drug dealer would have a book on the execution of Charles II is beyond me. When he went in pursuit of this book a few days later, it was nowhere to be found. Zexion had looked all over the entirety of the Castle That Never Was That Really Could Hold An Entire Fucking Army before he declared that the book was lost.

"He's not going to like this…" Roxas had taken the book from Axel and flipped through the pages only to find that the pages were torn and covered with dirt and mud, not to mention the occasional Japanese beetle carcass.

"Well, we found the fucking book, didn't we?" Axel shrugged. "He can't blame us."

"We could do a fingerprint test to find out who did it." Roxas suggested, petting Renji on the head.

"You've been watching too much _CSI: New York_." Axel rolled his eyes.

"We might as well give it back to him." Roxas said. "At least he knows where the book is."

"Zexion's going to be pissed." Axel was clearly against his boyfriend's idea.

"He's going to find out eventually." Roxas said. "Better to do it now then deal with him later."

So Axel and Roxas set off, with Renji trotting along behind, to face the almost definite force of Zexion's wrath.

**I love the part between Zexion and Lexaeus. As always, I'll put in requests for people. I like to see what people think. Anyway, review?**

**next chapter: you've always wanted to know what a Grammar Nazi was...**


	26. Fear the Grammar Nazis

**Disclaimer: I own nothing mentioned. **

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! And the title has changed! Days With Organization XIII wasn't the title that I actually wanted and this is a better one anyway. I don't think I've gotten any reviews for the last few chapters. Reviews equal love, people! on with the deadly tale!**

Contrary to popular belief, Zexion did _not_ murder Roxas and Axel for finding his lost book in such a poor condition, even though Vexen certainly would have loved to see Axel fade, but that would probably piss off the many Axel fangirls (which I am not, also contrary to popular belief) and would most likely result in his fading as well. Zexion _did_, however, rant about the horrendous condition of the book and mused loudly about who could have committed the heinous act of burying it in the first place.

The topic of the story will now change to something completely irrelevant, random and ridiculous. As if you couldn't have figured that out anyway.

Demyx was (for once in his non-existent life) reading a book in the Lounge That Never Existed Part XXIX. The book in question happened to be _Underworld_ by Catherine Macphail, a book that I just so happen to be reading at this very moment. For anyone who's read it, they've just found out who's going to Paris. It's a very good read, if I do say so myself.

Moving on from my pointless rant, Demyx was about a chapter into the story when he realized that one of the main character's names was Axel, which was something he should have figured out straight off since Axel was in the first chapter. True, this is one of the reasons why I'm reading this book (those who know me can tell everyone how much I like Axel. ^_^), but Demyx never picked up on this fact before hand.

Now everyone should know by now that Demyx is like Lexaeus in a sense: both can take one small fact and jump to harsh and often ridiculously incorrect conclusions. A prime example of this would be when Demyx thought that Larxene was pregnant because she was crabbier than usual for so long. Need I point out that this was completely false? And when Demyx thought that Axel was a firebender from the _Avatar _world? And remember when Vexen's voice sounded like a hamster all those chapters ago? Remember what Lexaeus did?

I rest my case.

So Demyx, of course, came to the horrendously inaccurate conclusion that the Axel from Organization XIII had somehow teleported himself, so to speak, into the book that he was currently reading.

As he came to this absurd conclusion, Demyx shrieked so loudly that all of the glass windows both in the Castle That Never Was and Castle Oblivion shattered and so high that all of the woodland creatures in Wonderland died from a mass overdose on cyanide, though it is unknown of how they got the cyanide to begin with. Yet for one reason or another, Demyx's caterwauling sounded like Carlotta in the beginning of the _Phantom of the Opera_. You all know which one I'm talking about. The one with Gerard Butler as the Phantom. Good movie, my friends.

This revelation disturbed and upset the Melodious Nocturne so much that he bolted out of the room and tried to find the Flurry of Dancing Flames to see if this was true, which of course it wasn't. But I'm just telling the story. I couldn't be there to tell Demyx what an idiot he was being. If I was there, don't you think I would have told Saix that it wasn't the best idea to drop a toaster in the bathtub? Then again, he was in Berserk mode at the time, so what could I have done?

In any case, Demyx dashed into Roxas' room, figuring that the bedroom of Axel's lover was as good a place to start as any, and found XIII dancing away to _Hot and Cold_ by Katy Perry. I have yet to hear that song…

"Roxas, where's Axel?" Demyx demanded as he skidded to a halt before crashing into the bed.

"In Halloween Town on a mission." Roxas frowned. "I thought you knew."

"Nope." Demyx shook his head.

"Demyx, you were there when Xemnas gave the order!" Roxas exclaimed.

"I was?" Demyx was obviously confused.

"You don't pay attention at all do you?" Roxas sighed. "What do you need Axel for, anyway?"

"He's in my book." Demyx nodded.

"There are a lot of guys named Axel besides my boyfriend, you know." Roxas said.

"But I think he's in the book!" Demyx exclaimed.

"What are you _talking_ about?" Roxas stared at Demyx like the latter had turned into schnitzel.

"Axel's in my book and I want to know how he got there!" Demyx couldn't see what was so hard to understand.

"Are you on crack, Demyx?" Roxas raised an eyebrow.

"Of course not!" Demyx snapped.

"Well, I don't know what to tell you." Roxas shrugged, turning up the volume on his stereo.

"When is he getting back?" Demyx wanted to know.

"Who?" Roxas frowned.

"Axel!" Demyx yelled so loudly that the Armenians could hear.

"I dunno." Roxas shrugged. "When he's done, I guess."

"Whoopee." Demyx feigned excitement as he sulked back to his room to find something else to occupy his time.

* * *

Marluxia is often called the freaky gay botanist by many. True, he was gay and he _was_ a botanist, but he wasn't exactly freaky. At least by my standards anyway. And I hate the word freak, so maybe that has something to do with it.

That aside, the Graceful Assassin was in the Conservatory That Never Was That Now Sheltered Illegal Immigrants. That last part is complete BS, by the way. And what was the insane experiment of the day, boys and girls? Marluxia was crossbreeding roses and turkey buzzards! What a surprise! Not.

While all this rubbish was going on, XI was listening to some music that he'd borrowed from Saix, who had borrowed it from Larxene, who'd borrowed it from Xemnas, who'd borrowed it from Roxas, who'd borrowed it from Axel. While everyone else may be going "What the fuck?" from that insanely ridiculous sentence, fear not! For I am thinking the exact thing!

It appears that the author isn't all there, if you know what I mean.

Why am I speaking in third person? It's been a weird day, I tell you. And I have to direct the announcements tomorrow, so it could be worse when I write the second half! Oh sweet Shiva…Wow.

Anyway, Marluxia was working on his experiment, so to speak, while listening to music that he'd borrowed from someone. Does it really matter who? In any case, the song that was playing at the moment was _"I Dare You_" from Shinedown, a song that I've re-discovered quite recently.

"_Hello…let me introduce you to the characters in the show. One says yes. One says no. Decide which voice in your head you can keep alive. Even in madness I know you still believe. Paint me on canvas so I'll become what you could never be_."

While he was singing, though caterwauling might be a more apt term, Saix ventured into the Conservatory, something few Nobodies did.

"What's going on, Saix?" Marluxia asked.

"I'm looking for my guinea pig." Saix was on his hands and knees crawling around on the floor.

While this may be a shock to some, let me say that this is completely false. Saix doesn't have a guinea pig. He _will_, however, have quite a nasty hangover since he drank six bottles of Bud Lite and seventy-two shots of Jack Daniel's.

"Have fun with that." Marluxia obviously noticed how drunk VII was and decided not to take any notice of him.

Marluxia was forced to take notice, however, when the Luna Diviner ran head-on into a cactus that had been crossbred with a porcupine. Not exactly my ideal plant.

"Stop running around, Saix." Marluxia ordered as he pulled the semi-conscious Nobody from the floor. "You'll break something."

"No I won't." Saix summoned his claymore and started hacking at innocent tulips.

"Out, Saix!" Marluxia shouted as he threw the Luna Diviner out the door. And quite literally, might I add?

* * *

A strange sound was coming from the seventh floor of the Castle That Never Was That Was Large Enough To Hold The Armies From France, Britain, And Venezuela If Venezuela Even Has An Army. To some, the noise might sound like a dying cow, but the Nobodies of Organization XIII knew what this meant.

Axel was listening to music. Which meant that he was back from his mission.

Oh sweet Lord, what are we going to do?! Quick! To the bomb shelters!

Seriously.

The song in question happened to be _Head Like A Hole_ form Nine Inch Nails. Ever since I've heard this song, I've imagined Axel break dancing to it. Nice metal image, huh?

When the chorus started, Axel started head banging, sending his wild spikes flying. The usual flames erupted and moved around the room in gravity defying acts. With each drumbeat, a ball of fire exploded, causing the room to light up in a rainbow of colours.

"Axel!"

Why was it that every time Axel listened to music someone had to interrupt him? Was it a rule or something?

And the interrupter this time was Demyx. No surprise there. Demyx was always bothering someone about something.

"What do you want, Demyx?" Axel demanded.

"How did you get in my book?" Demyx questioned.

"Demyx, I'm right here." Axel said simply.

"But you're in my book too!" Demyx exclaimed.

"No, I'm not!" Axel was starting to get annoyed now.

"Look." Demyx produced his book and found one of the places where the other Axel was in the story. "See? There you are."

"Demyx, do you think I live in Scotland?" Axel pointed out once he'd finished reading.

"How should I know?!" Demyx shrieked.

"And I don't have a last name, either." Axel's peridot eyes narrowed. "Nobodies don't have surnames. Got it memorized?"

"Yes, but you're still in my book!" Demyx exclaimed.

"No, I'm not!" Axel yelled.

"What's all this yelling about?"

Vexen had made his so-called grand entrance into the room. IV was holding a jar of what looked like phlegm mixed with asparagus and annoyed expression was set on his face.

"Demyx things that I'm in his book." Axel rolled his eyes.

"He's right there, so he's not." Vexen snapped. "Now, be quiet. I have work to do."

"But he's in my book!" Demyx proclaimed.

"No, he's not, Demyx." Vexen shouted. "Shut up. I have things to do."

"I'm sure you do." Axel said darkly as the Vexen and Demyx departed.

* * *

Larxene sat alone in the Kitchen That Never Was eating a bag of dill pickle flavoured chips. Those things are amazing, I tell you. Anyway, she was somewhat taken aback by the sudden intrusion of Zexion, who apparently had just returned from his Grammar Nazi meeting since he was dressed in the SS uniform.

"How was it, Zexion?" Larxene really didn't care, but she figured she might as well ask anyway.

"It was absolutely amazing!" Zexion grinned. "We talked about hyperboles and the differences between similes and metaphors."

"Sounds like a riot." Larxene rolled her eyes and returned to the latest issue of _Seventeen_.

"Oh, it was!" Larxene hadn't noticed before that Zexion had obtained a British accent.

"Zexion, why do you sound like Luxord?" Larxene asked.

"No, I don't." Zexion frowned as he grabbed a bag of tuna flavoured crackers- a rather unfortunate experiment from the Chilly Academic.

"Yes, you do." Larxene said. "It's obvious."

"Well, I'm going to shoot you with my Beretta." Zexion said quite randomly, producing the mentioned weapon.

"What the hell?" Larxene raised an eyebrow.

"I warned you, didn't I?" Zexion smirked.

"You're being really random, Zexion." Larxene shook her head. "And you know I'd electrocute you if you shot me."

"That doesn't mean anything." Zexion was still grinning like an idiot. "You've insulted the sacred order of the Grammar Nazis."

"They don't even exist!" Larxene exclaimed.

"Oh, yes we do." Zexion found the guidebook for the ridiculous organization and showed it to Larxene. "There are seventy-two members."

"That's a load of shit." Larxene said, but she was forced to change her opinion when she saw the names of the seventy-two. "How in the world are these seventy-two people in this?"

"Well, they obviously are." Zexion grabbed his gun, crackers and book and retreated to the Lounge That Never Was Part XXXIII, leaving Larxene in a flurry of confusion.

And yes, my friends, there really are Grammar Nazis, and I have been dubbed one by many people, both on and in real life. So don't insult us Grammar Nazis. We can do horrible things to you. Like stalk you while you sleep.

In any case, I wish you, my lovely readers, a happy holiday since it is likely that the next chapter will be up next year. And watch out for my squirrels. They're on a mission for me to kill one of the guys at school that I hate. Just ignore them if you come across them.

**I hope this story isn't getting boring...and I'll take requests for this story! I like to give my readers a say in what goes in this. ^_^ review?**

**next chapter: okay, who destroyed the castle?**


	27. Chaos and Paranoia

**Disclaimer: How awesome would it be to control Organization XIII? I wish I could...**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! This was very amusing to write. This is for Identity-x-Dragon. I hope it's good! On with the deadly tale!**

It was a simple day in the Castle That Never Was. Vexen was attempting to turn a tomato into a llama, Larxene was torturing chipmunks to the deepest depths of hell, Xaldin was putting his hair up in French braids, and Demyx was ruining electronic devices by submerging them in water. What a lovely day indeed.

Does anyone see anything wrong with this picture?

The Flurry of Dancing Flames was playing with Renji in his room. Renji liked to jump on Axel's bed, but he was too afraid to jump back down. That's like my dog when he was a puppy. He'd walk up the stairs, but then he'd be too afraid to walk back down them.

"Why do you keep going up there if it freaks you out?" Axel smiled, picking up the little puppy.

Renji responded by yipping, but of course Axel couldn't understand what he was saying. It wasn't like VIII was fluent in the language of German Shepards.

"I can't understand you, Renji." Axel said in a voice that one would usually use when speaking to a toddler.

"Enough with the fucking animals!"

This exclamation could mean one of several things. Either Vexen had mutated a tree frog and a kangaroo or Larxene had left the carcass of a rabbit on the floor of Xemnas' Office That Doesn't Have A Proper Title Of Its Own. However, it wasn't either of the two. It happened to be Xemnas, surprisingly enough.

Not five minutes after the Superior's proclamation had been made, Roxas darted Axel's room. In his arms was a black cat with piercing emerald eyes that seemed to stare at the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Not you too, Roxas." Axel smiled.

"She followed me home!" Roxas exclaimed. "What was I supposed to do?"

"Where did you find it, anyway?" Axel scooped up Renji and walked over to the Key of Destiny.

"In the Land of Dragons." Roxas replied.

He set the cat on the bed, where it proceeded to stare at Renji, who stared curiously at the new creature in the room. Renji gave Axel a look that said, "Let me down so I can see this new thing," so Axel set him on the bed, though the two Nobodies kept a close eye on the animals.

Renji cautiously approached the cat, looking very much like the Shepard that he was. The cat replied with the same gesture and both proceeded to sniffing each other's noses and the usual whatnot that animals do when they meet each other.

"Well, they aren't attacking each other, so that's a good thing." Axel shrugged.

"Rukia wouldn't hurt Renji, now would you?" Roxas picked up the cat and snuggled it.

"Rukia?" Axel raised an eyebrow. "You named it Rukia?"

"I like Rukia, okay?" Roxas snapped.

"So Rukia and Renji." Axel smiled. "Did Xemnas say we could keep her?"

"It's another trial thing. Renji's turned out okay, but Rukia's a cat." Roxas said.

"Well noted." Axel smirked.

"Kitty!"

Quite randomly, Demyx leaped into the room, grabbed Rukia from Roxas' arms and proceeded to smothering the poor cat against his chest.

"Don't kill her, Demyx." Axel grabbed the cat away from the insane Nobody.

"But it's so cute!" Demyx squealed.

"Can't you act more masculine?" Axel handed Rukia back to Roxas.

"That's impossible, Axel." Roxas shook his head.

"So I can get Renji!" Demyx made to grab the puppy, but Renji started barking maniacally, which resulted in Xaldin yelling, "Shut the hell up!" from six floors above them.

"This is getting out of control." Roxas sighed. "Demyx, out."

"But Renji and Rukia can stay!" Demyx protested.

"Renji and Rukia are quieter than you." Axel said as he shoved Demyx out the door.

"I'm not that loud, Axel." Demyx pouted.

"Out, Demyx!" It was a rare day indeed when Roxas raised his voice save for when he was banging Axel under the table in the Kitchen That Never Was. So Demyx took Roxas' yelling as a sign to leave, which was a very good decision.

"This won't end well, Roxas." Axel started petting Rukia, who had somehow fallen asleep in all the ruckus.

"I know, but I can't say I haven't tried, now can I?" Roxas walked back to his room with a worried look on his face.

* * *

After the paranoia from the previous section had occurred, Demyx, feeling rather depressed and trodden upon (I don't know why he would, but hey, who am I to question Demyx?) decided that he'd find someone else who would give him better company than Roxas and his pyromaniacal lover. A little light bulb appeared over his head when he realized that he should go find Zexion.

Skipping off to the Library That Never Was, the place where one always looks when seeking the Cloaked Schemer, Demyx found VI at a chess table playing a game against himself.

And no, I don't mean that in a sexual sense. Jeez, I have such perverted readers. Come on! I can tell what you were thinking!

That aside, the Melodious Nocturne reached his lover and said, "What's going on, Zexy?"

"I'm playing chess." Zexion said, moving a black pawn across the marble chessboard.

"Against yourself?" Demyx frowned.

"No one else is mature enough to play this game without making lewd gestures with the pieces." Zexion said. "It was bad enough playing with Xaldin that I just stopped playing with everyone else completely."

"I want sex!" Demyx proclaimed randomly.

"You do, do you?" Zexion moved a white knight across the board and took out a black pawn.

"Yep!" Demyx grinned.

"Well, I do too, but I want to finish this game first." Zexion said. "And I'm getting rather tired of playing chess against myself…"

"I'm not finishing it with you, Zexy." Demyx crossed his arms in front of his chest in an annoyed fashion.

"You will if you really want sex." Zexion smiled, a rare occurrence indeed.

Below them in the Game Room That Never Was Part CVIII, a series of crashes could be heard followed by Roxas' yells of "Rukia! Renji!" which in turn prompted Axel's shouts of "Get off the fucking XBox!" More crashes sounded from what was probably Renji shattering Larxene's 32-inch plasma.

Zexion and Demyx stared blankly at each other while all this was occurring. They knew who Renji was, but who the fuck was Rukia? Unless Vexen had somehow managed to make the Rukia Kuchiki (I know I'm using the stupid English way of writing it, but that's what I'm used to now. Curse English dubs. But I actually like it better in English. What the fuck am I saying?) from the series come to life, but that's impossible. Well, that's what everyone said when Vexen tried to make pigs fly, but then lo and behold, it actually happened.

"I don't want to know…" Demyx shuddered as breaking glass could be heard.

"So are you playing or not, Demyx?" Zexion demanded.

"I guess so." Demyx plopped down in the beanbag chair across from Zexion. "I'm not going to get sex any other way, now am I?"

"Nope." Zexion shook his head. "And it's your move."

Demyx studied the board for a few moments before moving a white pawn a space up the board. Zexion made his move by using his rook to capture Demyx's knight. Demyx responded by making sounds that a lightsaber would make and pretended to shoot Zexion's king with his bishop.

"What the hell are you doing, Demyx?" Zexion demanded.

"Using my lightsaber to kill your king." Demyx grinned.

"You can't do that!" Zexion yelped. "This is chess! Not _Lego Star Wars_ or something like that!"

"But it's so boring otherwise, Zexy." Demyx was now allowed to call Zexion that dreaded name since the former was the latter's lover.

"I don't care!" Zexion exclaimed. "You can't go doing stuff like that. One, it makes no sense whatsoever. And two, it's against the rules."

"I've never heard any rules against using lightsabers." Demyx retorted.

"You don't read. How would you know?" Zexion implored.

"I read just the other day, I'll have you know." Demyx grinned.

"Oh yeah?" Zexion clearly doubted this. "What was this book called?"

"_The Three Little Pigs_." Demyx nodded.

"Taking a leaf from Lexaeus' book, are we?" Zexion shook his head sadly.

"Lexaeus has leaves?" Demyx didn't understand that Zexion had used a metaphor. I think that's the word I'm thinking of. No! It's an expression!

"It's an expression, Demyx." Zexion sighed.

"What type of leaves does Lexaeus have?" Demyx obviously hadn't heard Zexion's previous statement.

"Sycamore, Oak and Holly." Zexion's words dripped with sarcasm.

"Oooh!" Demyx was clearly impressed.

"He doesn't have any, Demyx." Zexion rolled his eyes.

"But you just said he did!" Demyx exclaimed.

"I was being sarcastic!" Zexion yelled.

"Then why did you tell me that Lexaeus has leaves?" Demyx demanded.

"Just forget it!" Zexion bellowed overtop the sound of Renji and Rukia racing through the Conservatory That Never Was.

"You know this is the perfect opportunity for a joyous round of hate sex." Demyx said.

Zexion responded by grabbing the Melodious Nocturne off the beanbag chair and pulling him to the floor before proceeding with actions that Axel and Roxas did on the Lab Table That Is Always Used For Gay Sex.

* * *

Saix was in the Kitchen That Shouldn't Exist playing a game of Old Maid with Larxene, who wasn't really enjoying it in the least. Whenever she played Old Maid, Larxene _always_ got the Old Maid. It was a common fact and that's probably the reason why the other twelve Nobodies loved to play it with her: they'd never loose.

"Fuck this!" Larxene yelled before she overturned the table, sending cards flying.

It wasn't before long until Renji and Rukia came dashing into the room spreading their chaos and paranoia as they went. Rukia jumped on the marble counter and knocked over Xigbar's abandoned bowl of tapioca pudding and Luxord's burnt ham and cheese sandwich.

"Hey!" Saix shrieked so loudly that the Icy Cubes and Driller Moles could hear him.

Taking Saix's yelling as a cue, Renji somehow jumped on the counter, grabbed Rukia by the neck and threw her off the counter where she landed on the floor with a dull thud.

"Are Renji and Rukia in here?" Roxas asked as he and Axel bolted into the room.

"Assuming that cat is Rukia, then yes." Larxene snapped, still annoyed over the fact that she lost once again at Old Maid.

"Come on, Rukia." Roxas scooped the kitten up in his arms. "So where's Renji?"

The Nobodies looked at the counter where they found Renji shaking in fear. He was probably afraid of either Larxene or the fact that he was so high above the floor.

"It's okay, Renji." Axel said as he placed the German Shepard on the floor.

"Where the hell is that blasted cat?!"

Xemnas. No one besides Luxord and/or Zexion used words like 'blasted' when they needed a synonym for a four-letter word. And it was indeed Xemnas who stormed into the Kitchen That Never Was That Didn't Really Look Like Much Of A Kitchen Because Of The Antics Of Rukia And Renji.

"She's here, Superior." Roxas said.

"She has to go, Roxas." Xemnas said.

"Thank God for that." Larxene left in a flurry of anger and insanity.

"Why, Superior? She's so cute!" Roxas exclaimed.

"Roxas, she's caused nothing but chaos since she got here." Xemnas said.

"And this room is proof of that." Saix said.

"But Renji can stay?" Roxas didn't like that.

"Axel's trained Renji to sniff out Heartless." Saix said as he shrugged noncommittally.

"Axel?!" Roxas stared at his boyfriend in disbelief.

"What? The Superior ordered me to." Axel shrugged. "And I'm not going to be kicked out of the Organization for such a stupid thing like that."

"But…" Roxas clearly didn't want to part with his beloved Rukia.

"You have to let her go, Roxas." Axel wrapped his arm around Roxas' waist. "We can take her to Wonderland. Imagine how much fun she'd have hunting those squirrels and bunnies."

"Okay…" Roxas gave in, but only because he was forced to.

"I hate sappy moments." Saix broke what was indeed a sappy moment between Roxas and Axel.

"Don't kill the mood, Saix." Xemnas spoke. "Axel, do you want to go with Roxas to Wonderland?"

Roxas gave Axel a look that clearly said, "Yes, please!" so Axel was forced to say, "I guess so."

"Then you'd best do it now before Luxord gets back from the Beast's Castle." Xemnas said. "We don't want him to find out that there was a cat here."

Nodding simply, Axel created a portal of sandy blackness and walked through it with Roxas close behind them. Then the portal had vanished, Saix said, "It's just a cat."

"Oh what do you know?" Xemnas said before walking off to his office where he would most likely play golf until the next crisis occurred.

**Poor Rukia...is it obvious I'm in a Bleach mood? Anyway, I THINK Tropicalna is going to be working on a part for this next chapter. Nothing's set in stone just yet, but I think that's how it's going to be. reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: you thought that World War II was hell. wait until you see this!**


	28. Graveyard Melancholia

**Disclaimer: I don't own KH, Tropicalna (interesting...) or anything either of us mentioned.**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! My thanks goes out to Tropicalna, who wrote part of this story! I really loved reading it and I hope everyone else does too!**

Just in case anyone's forgotten, there is indeed a cemetery in the World That Never Was called (three guesses!) The Graveyard That Never Was. I used to mention it quite often when this story was first getting started, but then it kind of drifted into the abyss known as oblivion. So I am using this mini-plot to my advantage here.

Lexaeus was walking through the walkway to the Graveyard That Really Shouldn't Exist In The First Place with a bouquet of roses in hand, off to visit the grave of his beloved puppy that had committed suicide by means of jumping off the Roof That Never Existed. Maybe this trip would be more sentimental if the roses weren't crossbred with howler monkeys, the end result being that the roses shrieked so loudly that the non-living dead in Estonia could hear it. Need I mention who created them?

Now this is no small graveyard, mind you. The size of the Graveyard That Never Was can most certainly be compared to the continent of Russia with bits of China and Manchuria added to the mix. Despite it's gargantuan size, no one ever got lost. Well, Luxord and Xaldin _did_ get lost one time, but they were so high that most Nobodies don't count this incident.

Lexaeus finally reached the grave a few minutes later when he saw the name Mr. Fluffly-Poo. It's no wonder why the poor animal tried to kill itself with a name like that.

Anyway, Lexaeus laid the roses on the ground and said a little prayer to the supreme being of the World That Never Existed (I need to think of a name for said being…that's my next poll! Come up with a name and PM it to me. If I like it, I'll use it. I'll announce the winner during my A/N in the next chapter) before leaving the enormous cemetery.

After travelling for about ten minutes, Lexaeus noticed that he was back at his poor departed pet's grave once again. After another ten minutes of travel, he was back for the third time. And after _another_ ten minutes, Lexaeus had to conclude one thing.

He was lost.

* * *

Triumphant sounds could be heard in the Game Room That Never Was Part LXXI where Roxas and Demyx were playing _Mario Kart_ on the XBox. Demyx had just won for the four hundred thousand and second time and Roxas was getting a tad fed up with the Melodious Nocturne.

"You only won because you cheated." Roxas scowled, annoyed because of his umpteenth loss.

"Did not!" Demyx looked at the Key of Destiny with a shocked look on his face.

"You used a squid, turtle shell, and the box thing at the same time!" Roxas exclaimed.

"I did not!" Demyx repeated his original proclamation.

"Fine. Then we're playing something else." Roxas said.

"What?" Demyx frowned.

"_Halo III."_ Roxas grinned deviously.

Now I have no knowledge of any of the _Halo_ games whatsoever. I played at my friend's house this summer, but it was apparently a challenge level where you can play against multiple people. That being said, I'll just assume that _Halo_ is like the_ Call of Duty_ series, even though it probably isn't, and go along from there.

"Don't shoot me, Demyx!" Roxas shrieked.

"But it's fun to watch you die!" Demyx cackled manically.

"But you're not supposed to shoot me, you idiot!" Roxas yelled.

"Says who?" Demyx was still laughing demonically.

"Says me."

Xemnas stepped into the room, which instantly silenced the rambunctious Nobodies.

"What's going on, Superior?" Roxas asked.

"I'm looking for Vexen." Xemnas said, looking at the paused video game screen in front of the other two. "He left his koala brain in my office."

Demyx and Roxas turned toward each other and said, "Eww."

"Have either of you seen him?" Xemnas implored.

"I last saw him banging Marluxia in the Lab, but that was an hour ago." Roxas said.

"Well, Vexen takes forever, so he's probably still down there." Xemnas muttered to himself as he left.

"How long does it take?" Roxas wondered.

"To blow up a balloon? I have no idea." Demyx said randomly.

"Why in the _world_ did you bring that up, Demyx?" Roxas demanded.

"Because I could." Demyx shrugged.

* * *

Xaldin sat alone in the Bathroom That Never Was (it must be bad if the _bathrooms_ have titles) trying to tie-dye his hair. Maybe tie-dye isn't the best word here. I mean to say that the Whirlwind Lancer was trying to dye his hair in no less than seventy-three colours.

So he was sitting on the edge of the bathtub in the Bathroom That Now Has A Title And Will Therefore Be Capitalized From This Moment Onward trying to figure out which colour should be the base colour.

Now it just so happened that Xaldin wanted it to be black, which was his natural colour already. But black as a base wouldn't really work since nothing would show up on top of it. White was the most logical option, but he didn't really want to look like he'd been out in the non-existent snowstorm. Well, he'd have to take what he could get.

Once the white was over, Xaldin proceeded to dying his hair mauve, scarlet, indigo, granny smith apple green, turquoise and any other colour that would have a name that sounded like it should be in a box of Crayola crayons. No sir, one couldn't say that their eye had passed over the Whirlwind Lancer now.

So now that the tedious and troublesome task of dying the hair had been accomplished, the last task was (ready?) to style it, which just so happened to be Xaldin's favourite part.

Considering the fact that he still had dreds in his hair, Xaldin realized that there wasn't much he could do. Not having dreds myself (thank God for that. I'd look horrible) I don't know how much work is involved in keeping them. So for now, Xaldin will keep his unusual and unique hairstyle the way it was whilst trying to work around it.

Yes, boys and girls, Xaldin's hair will be dreds and something else: French braided.

Never having my hair French braided (is it obvious that I just have my hair down most of the time?), I don't really know how it is done. I know it involves sectioning the hair, if I remember correctly. And it was at this point in time when a loud series of bangs could be heard on the Bathroom door.

"Who is it?" Xaldin asked.

"Larxene." Came the voice from the only (thank Shiva) female Nobody in the Castle That Never Existed.

"What do you want?" Xaldin demanded.

"Axel said that Marluxia said that Vexen said that his hair tonic is in there." Larxene said.

"Wait, what?" Xaldin questioned after a few moments were dedicated to trying to determine what exactly the Savage Nymph had said.

"Just let me in, okay? I know you're just styling your hair." Larxene sounded impatient.

"Okay, fine." Xaldin said.

The door opened and Larxene stepped inside. Upon seeing Xaldin's multi-coloured hair, she said, "What the fuck did you do to your hair, Xaldin?"

"Dyed it." Xaldin grinned.

"I can see that." Larxene said as she went over to the cabinet on the far wall.

"Then why ask?" Xaldin resumed his French braiding.

"I have no idea." Larxene said as she left, pulling the door shut behind her.

Xaldin sighed. The Organization should be used to his unusual hairstyles, so why were they still surprised when he dyed his hair in many different colours?

* * *

It was a rather boring day for Saix. He'd played _World of Warcraft_ for six hours, beaten Xigbar in a round of HORSE, and killed off as many Heartless as he could find in Traverse Town, the Deep Jungle and Olympus Coliseum. What was left to do?

Sighing, the Luna Diviner turned to his stereo in hopes for something to listen to. He last remembered listening to the album _Minutes to Midnight _from Linkin Park, which was all right. But after turning the stereo on and pressing play, music that could be heard that sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

That sound has never really affected me. I have no idea why.

Ejecting the disk, Saix learned that the cd was _City of Evil_ from Avenged Sevenfold. Axel must have snuck in and switched the music. And indeed, when Saix opened his desk drawer, he found _Minutes to Midnight_ resting quite innocently between a stack of paperclips and glue.

In an annoyed fashion, Saix smashed _City of Evil_ on his knee and threw the pieces out the window. Sure, Axel would be pissed and sure, he'd probably burn Saix for his actions, but VII didn't really care at that point in time.

Logging onto his ivory computer, Saix went to YouTube to watch the latest episode of _One Tree Hill_. When he typed in the dramatic soap opera-esque title into the search thingy, he remembered that because YouTube had sold its soul to Google, videos over ten minutes couldn't be posted.

Is it obvious that I'm a _tad_ pissed off by YouTube right now?

In any case, the Luna Diviner went to Veoh instead, which indeed had full and complete episodes of _One Tree Hill_. I don't know how something can be full but not complete at the same time, or vice versa.

A few minutes into his beloved show, a series of pounding noises could be heard from the door. Either elephants had invaded the Castle or Axel wanted something.

Figuring that it was the latter of the two options, Saix ventured across the room and opened the door to find Axel waiting impatiently in the doorway. What was so unusual about the situation was the fact that the Flurry of Dancing Flames had a flashlight in hand and one of those helmets with lights on the top.

"What the hell?" Saix gave Axel a look that clearly said, "What the fuck?"

"We can't find Lexaeus and we know he was headed to the Graveyard." Axel didn't sound happy in the least.

"It'll take a century to find him!" Saix yelled. "You know how huge that thing is!"

"I know, but Xemnas says that we have to find him." Axel said. "Which is why I'm here."

"You're looking for him?" Saix frowned.

"You too, asshole." Axel said.

"Okay, okay." Saix scowled as he followed Axel down the hallway. "But this better not take too long."

* * *

And now, my lovely readers, we have a special guest-writer with me today! Tropicalna has requested that she write a part of this story, which I have allowed her to do. From this point on (until I say to stop, that is) everything written is by Tropicalna and not me. I have, however, edited the section that she has written. I can't wait to see what she comes up with!

* * *

It had started when Demyx watched Larxene gut a rabbit. Why he was watching Larxene do this, he didn't really remember. Perhaps it was just because he was in the area and was really bored, or perhaps it was because he held a grudge against all rabbits that not even he knew about. Whatever the case, he was watching her do it.

As he watched the blood stain the rabbit's white coat and feeling somewhat repulsed, a sudden question occurred to him; did Nobodies bleed? He knew that they turned back into dust when killed, and they didn't have hearts to actually pump the blood…so did they have any blood at all? And if so, was it a limited amount? What happened if they lost all their blood?

All these questions were starting to make his head hurt, and the rancid stench of blood was not helping. He glanced at Larxene, whose face was split into an expression of glee as rabbit blood trickled through her fingers. The water user decided right then and there that he would never ask Larxene about blood. Ever.

But he had to find SOMEONE who knew the answer….maybe Vexen knew. But wait…Vexen had needles. He might try to take a sample of Demyx's blood…shuddering, Demyx instead went to Axel. Because Axel was the one everyone went to if there was a question on their mind.

-------------

Demyx found Axel on the Nonexistent Roof of the Castle that Never Was, having a make-out session with Roxas.

"Ahem." Demyx said, attempting to interrupt them as politely as possible.  
They didn't hear him, and Axel had managed to slip his hand underneath Roxas' cloak. "Ahem!"

Both gave a startled jump, and Axel scowled, seeing it was Demyx. "What do you want?" He asked, frustration showing clearly in his voice.

Demyx smiled innocently and launched off his question. "Axel, I was  
wondering," at this the fire user rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath, "do Nobodies bleed?"  
"Does it matter?" Asked Roxas, looking exasperated. "Go bother someone else."

"But I need to know!" Demyx whined.  
"Need to know what?" Up from the steps came Marluxia, carrying a potted plant that was a mixture of a bulldog, a cucumber plant, and a fire hose. I don't know either…  
"Do Nobodies bleed?" Demyx repeated, in hopes Marluxia might know.

Unfortunately, Marluxia shook his head, and then suggested; "No. Maybe you should go ask Xemnas."  
"No!" Axel and Roxas roared, but it was too late. Demyx had already  
zipped off to Xemnas's office.

-------------

And so it was, five minutes later. The entire Organization XIII found  
themselves gathered in the meeting room. Axel was glaring at both Demyx and Marluxia, mentally going through several options of what he could do to them. Right now burning them to a crisp was top on the list.

Renji was also there, barking and chasing his tail, and generally doing what puppies did. Mostly everyone was ignoring him, except for Demyx, who was making goo-goo eyes at him.

"Attention!" Xemnas said, even though it wasn't really needed. "Demyx brought up an interesting question; As Nobodies, do we bleed?"

There was a groan throughout the room, but Larxene looked quite interested.  
"I'll help inflict the pain!"

"Very well Larxene." Xemnas nodded, ignoring the very obvious blood lust in her eyes. "Go and pick your target."

On cue, Renji gave a short bark, wagging his tail. Larxene zeroed in on the dog and took a menacing step forward to the unsuspecting puppy, but Roxas leaped in the way.

"You can't hurt Renji!" Roxas protested. "He's just a puppy, not a  
Nobody!"

Larxene frowned, and seemed to mentally be debating whether she should attack or not, but Vexen cut in. "You know, he's right."

Larxene whirled around to face the Chilly Academic. "Then perhaps you would like to be the victim?" She spat out.  
"No thank you." Vexen said politely. "Try Demyx."  
"Wh-what!?" Demyx leaped up as Larxene now turned her attention to him.  
She had a sadistic grin on her face, and if Demyx had a heart, it would have stopped beating from sheer fright.

As it was he ran to the opposite side of the room in an attempt to escape, but Larxene was close behind him.

This continued for several minutes with most of the other members looking on boredly, since this is was a common event that could be found happening anytime Larxene happened to encounter Demyx.

Zexion took out his copy of _The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich_ and  
started to read. As he turned a page however, his finger slid too fast up the page, and he found himself with a paper cut on his middle finger…

Xaldin noticed first, and attracted the other member's attention by screaming hysterically "OH MY GOD! Zexy is bleeding! I repeat, ZEXY IS BLEEDING!"

Everyone turned their heads to look at Zexion, who, by now, had stuck his finger in his mouth. Axel yanked his hand back out and studied the cut.

"Well look at that…he really is bleeding."  
"I guess this answers our question." Xemnas said. "Larxene, you don't need to try and cut Demyx anymore. You're all dismissed."  
"Good riddance." Roxas picked up Renji and walked out of the room, Axel following behind him. The other members also dispersed to do their various business around the Castle that Never was but Somehow Exists for some Unknown Reason that Probably makes No Sense.

* * *

Wow. I don't know about the rest of my readers, but that was absolutely hysterical! Great job, Tropicalna! And now, we return to the stuff that I have written.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the enormous Graveyard That Never Existed, Lexaeus was spending what could possibly be the last minutes of his non-existent life.

Okay, we all know this is total bullshit, right? For one thing, Nobodies don't have lives, so to speak, even though I have a very hard time imagining that they don't. And second of all, Lexaeus' non-existent life is so meaningless that there wouldn't be anything worth mentioning at this point in time.

Wow. I must not think very highly of Lexaeus. And he's one of my favourite characters in CoM.

So while he waited for death to kiss him sublimely (a reference to a poem that I wrote) Lexaeus sat on a lowly tree stump, sobbing quite loudly, hoping and praying that the other members of the Organization would find him.

* * *

"This is getting fucking ridiculous."

Just by mentioning the F-bomb, I have probably supplied you with enough information to determine who the speaker is. But in case you don't know, I suppose I shall explain.

Roxas and Axel (is anyone surprised by this?) were walking down that absurd pathway to the gargantuan Cemetery That Never Was That Is Large Enough To Hold Five-Million New York Cities trying to find the Silent Hero.

Think there are enough capital letters in that sentence?

"I mean, really! I was watching _10 Things I Hate About You_." Axel grumbled.

"You've been in a Heath Ledger mood for a while now, haven't you?" Roxas smirked. "I mean, it was _A Knight's Tale_ yesterday and _The Dark Knight_ the day before that…"

I finally saw _The Dark Knight_ actually. We watched it first block. I liked it a lot more than I thought I would.

And no, I'm not some crazy Heath Ledger fangirl. I didn't even know who he was until after he died.

I can just see all the jaw-drops my last statement caused, so I'm moving on.

"No, I watched _Brokeback Mountain_ the other day." Axel was still glowering.

"Well, we'll finish it up when we get Lexaeus." Roxas assured him, slipping his arm around the pyro's waist.

"This is so fucking pointless." Axel swore.

"I was listening to Katy Perry, but I'm out here, now aren't I?" Roxas looked up at his lover.

"Which song?" Axel wondered.

"_Hot N Cold_." Roxas said.

"Oh, you look über sexy when you dance to that, Roxie." Axel grinned deviously.

"I don't mean to." Roxas shrugged.

"But you do." Axel said. "And I'm not complaining."

A series of yells could be heard throughout the graveyard. Either Martin Luther had been brought back from the dead, or it was Vexen.

Of course. It _had_ to be Vexen.

"What, Vexen?" Axel yelled, not knowing the location of the paranoid Nobody.

"We found Lexaeus!" came Vexen's voice from afar.

"Okay, we're going back home!" Axel yelled and made a beeline for the Castle.

"The Superior wants you here now!" Vexen was still yelling.

"How can we if we can't find you?" Roxas demanded.

"Follow my voice!" Vexen ordered.

So Axel and Roxas were forced to suffer through Vexen's yelling about cottage cheese, the Night of the Long Knives, _The Phantom of the Opera_ and the Crimean Wars. By the time they reached the Chilly Academic, Roxas and Axel were about ready to kill themselves.

It might seem strange to some to see Lexaeus clinging to Xemnas like Chihuahuas did to old ladies, but VIII and XIII weren't surprised in the least.

"Where was he, Superior?" Axel asked.

"Sitting on a log." Xemnas shook his head as he attempted to walk past the Flurry of Dancing Flames and the Key of Destiny.

"So we can go back now?" Axel asked hopefully.

"Yes, Axel, you can go back now." Xemnas said monotonously.

"Sweet!" Axel grabbed Roxas and made to dash back to the Castle That Never Was. "We're finishing that movie whether you like it or not."

**A nice and long chapter, huh? I certianly loved reading/writing it! reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: Zoo Tycoon looks calm compared to what happens here...**


	29. Animal Planet

**Disclaimer: Let's see....I can't find that copyright paper, so that must mean that I don't own KH.**

**Hallo! It's Mika-chan! This is another nice long one. ^_^ If you remember from the last chapter, there was a contest to name the supreme being of TWTNW. Eevee-san is the winner with Phyllis! anyway, on with the deadly tale!**

I feel that Vexen is long overdue for his torture. Because we all know that I take pleasure in torturing Vexen.

How's _that_ for Schadenfreude, huh?

Pardon my _Avenue Q _reference. Or maybe that's just me being the German that I am, even though I'm not really pure German.

Anyway…on with the tale!

For once in his life, Vexen was_ not_ in the Lab That Never Was That Resembles Greenland. That's right! Mark this event, ladies and gentleman, because the Chilly Academic was in the Lounge That Never Was Part XXIII playing _Zoo Tycoon_ on the computer.

Now it's been several years since I've played _Zoo Tycoon_. I used to play it during lunch at school in the library when I was in eighth grade. Seeing as I'm a senior now, it's been….you know what? I don't want to think about how long it's been. Just know that it's been a long time and I might not be entirely accurate about it.

And because Vexen was playing the computer game, something _had_ to go wrong. I mean, if Xemnas or Luxord was playing it, nothing would happen. But everything had to go wrong with Vexen.

He was working on building a pen for the macaroni penguins (I love penguins!) when a penguin suddenly appeared on top of Saix's Nintendo 64.

Well, _this_ was unusual.

Vexen stared at the penguin like it was the strangest thing he'd ever seen. And it _was_ probably the strangest thing he'd ever seen. Actually, that's not entirely correct. That turkey buzzard that had been morphed with a wildebeest was certainly a sight to see.

Confused, as any sane person would be, Vexen tried something else: he decided to create a polar bear pen. And, lo and behold, a polar bear appeared on top of the billiard table.

This process occurred several times with Siberian tigers, Tasmanian devils, platypuses and pandas. I would be quite ecstatic at the pandas, but I digress.

Vexen was in some mighty deep shit.

* * *

Luxord had just awoken from a nice seventeen-hour nap. Well, he was passed out drunk for seventeen hours. I have no comment to that.

In any case, Luxord ambled out of bed, trying to ignore the throbbing headache so he could make it up to breakfast in one piece. This could prove to be difficult, since the Gambler of Fate had tripped on a strategically placed issue of _Playboy_ the minute he got out of bed.

Today was _not_ going to be a good day.

More calamities ensued that ultimately resulted in Luxord's decision to stay in his room and get stoned. This wasn't possible, however, since Luxord had given the last of his marijuana to Demyx, who, in turn, gave it to the Trickmaster in Wonderland.

Heartless on drugs is never a good thing.

So instead, the Gambler of Fate settled on playing _Tetris Worlds_ on the ancient and decrepit laptop. He was about to beat his ultimate high score of three when a giant llama suddenly appeared on his bed.

Okay, what the _hell?_

Why in the _world_ was a llama on his bed? There was no _way_ that a llama could magically appear in his room, was there? No, of course not. But then again, Luxord isn't the brightest of Nobodies, so it took him a while to come to this conclusion.

Luxord stared at the llama for a moment or two, watching the interesting creature sleep on his bed. Then, without further ado, the Gambler of Fate decided that maybe the llama was there for a reason and returned to his game of Tetris.

* * *

"Why the hell are there so many fucking animals in here?!"

Xemnas' voice could be heard loud and clear throughout the Castle That Never Was That Should Probably Be Imploded. And the Nobodies of said residence knew it was bad. Xemnas didn't curse much, but when the Superior started dropping the f-bomb, things _had_ to be bad.

"I see we aren't the only ones with animals." Roxas said in the Target Range That Never Was where he had been having sex with Axel.

"Where did this monkey come from?" Axel shoved a howler monkey off of his stomach.

The monkey howled so loudly that all in Puerto Rico could hear. This means that everyone in the Castle could hear it, too. This is probably why Larxene could be heard yelling, "Shut that fucking thing up!"

Xemnas' voice could be heard over the intercom saying, "All right, meeting in five minutes. Attendance is mandatory."

I don't know why he'd mention that last part. Attendance is always mandatory.

"Maybe Xemnas is going to do something about it." Roxas shrugged.

"He'd better." Axel wasn't pleased in the least.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the whole of the Room Where Nothing Gathers was filled with Nobodies and non-Nobodies alike. I say non-Nobodies because a plethora of animals had taken refuge inside the atrociously large room, the end result being that the room now looked like a zoo.

The only one missing from the execution was the executioner. Maybe that isn't the right thing to say…ah well.

Many of the Nobodies looked very furious as they sat in their nonsensically high chairs. And I'd say they had a good right to. It has to be annoying to have animals racing around the room.

Xemnas made his grand entrance a few moments later, but not before kicking a squirrel out from under his feet. After climbing the ladder to the top of his chair, the leader of Organization XIII cleared his throat and said, "What the fuck is going on?"

Now it doesn't take a genius to determine when Xemnas is mad. Granted, Xemnas is pissed almost all the time, but I digress.

"I was playing _Zoo Tycoon_ in the Lounge." Vexen said.

"Of course you were." Zexion didn't look up from his copy of _The Host_, which a koala was attempting to read over his shoulder.

"Wait...Vexen, you mean to say that this _wasn't_ an experiment?" Xaldin frowned.

"That's correct." Vexen nodded.

"Holy shit, it's the end of the world." Axel said.

"No!" Demyx, known taking things at their literal meaning, jumped about twenty feet in the air, rammed into a flock of cockatoos and started running around in circles amongst the kangaroos and rattlesnakes.

"Shut up, Demyx." Larxene snapped.

"So what were you doing, Vexen?" Xemnas ordered.

"That's just it!" Vexen exclaimed.

"What is?" Lexaeus frowned.

"I was just playing _Zoo Tycoon_!" Vexen shrieked.

"Like a normal person would?" Marluxia clarified.

"Yes!" Vexen screamed.

"Then why the fuck are there so many fucking animals?" Axel demanded.

"I don't know!" Vexen was in serious danger of damaging his vocal cords.

"Well, we need to find a way to get rid of them." Xemnas said.

"No kidding?" Roxas muttered under his breath.

"But they're cute, Superior!" Demyx was cuddling with a scorpion, not a wise thing to do.

"Wait, where's Renji?" Zexion asked.

"He's hiding under Axel's bed." Roxas said.

"Why does it matter?" Xigbar wanted to know.

"Because we can use Renji to help get the animals out of here." Zexion said.

"I haven't exactly trained him to do that." Axel said.

"Well, now's a good time to start." Luxord said.

"Start what?" Saix had somehow fallen asleep in the chaos of the room and had just woken up.

"Forget it, Saix." Larxene shook her head.

"All right. Axel, you and Roxas work with Renji to get the animals out. Everyone else, do what you can." Xemnas said. "And there concludes our meeting."

The Nobodies attempted to leave the Room, but a giant caribou was blocking the door. A sort of panic ensued, since the Nobodies in the back didn't know what the hold up was, they thought that Demyx was gawking over a tortoise again. Only when Xigbar shot the enormous animal could the entirety of Organization XIII clear the room.

* * *

"This is so pointless."

Saix, Xaldin and Luxord had gone up to the Roof That Never Was That Is Used As A Suicide Instrument By Many Heartless in an attempt to rid the Castle of animals. Saix was slicing things with his claymore and Xaldin was using each of his six lances to stake multiple animals at a time. Luxord, however, had challenged a goat to a duel. Somehow, the goat was beating Luxord, which went against all logic.

"How are you losing to a goat?" Saix questioned.

"I don't know!" Luxord exclaimed.

"Because he's Luxord." Xaldin said, staking a pair of chimpanzees.

"Good enough." Saix said.

A few seconds later, Marluxia came traipsing up from the Kitchen, looking very wet indeed.

"Why are you so wet, Marluxia?" Luxord asked.

"The Pool is filled with sharks." Marluxia wasn't happy in the slightest.

"So get Demyx. I'm sure he'll kill them." Xaldin said.

"He started crying." Marluxia said simply.

"I'm not surprised." Saix sliced the head off of a porcupine.

"Get Xigbar to shoot at them." Luxord said. "Or better yet, have Roxas blind them."

"You know that won't work." Xaldin said.

"I asked Larxene to electrocute them." Marluxia had started swinging his scythe at a pack of starlings. "Maybe it'll work."

"We can have Axel set it on fire again." Saix suggested.

"We'd need motor oil for that." Xaldin said as he staked a chipmunk.

"So?" Luxord asked, finally defeating his goat and moving on to the next victim.

"Vexen used up the last of the motor oil when he tried to build that combustible windmill, remember?" Marluxia reminded everyone.

Ah, yes. The incidents from a few days prior were still fresh in the minds of the paranoid Nobodies.

Vexen, in an attempt to cut back on the energy usage in the Castle, had created a windmill on top of the Roof That Never Existed. In an unprecedented act of stupidity, however, Vexen had installed a self-destruct switch on the device.

Lexaeus had been sleepwalking one night and had somehow made his way up to the Roof. For one reason or another, he flipped the self-destruct switch, thus causing the windmill to catch on fire, waking up all of Organization XIII with the smell of smoke.

After the fire was put out, an inquiry was conducted and it was believed that Axel started the fire. This was a decent accusation since Axel's element was fire. But Roxas had pointed out that he'd been banging the Flurry of Dancing Flames in the Studio That Shouldn't Exist at the time of the fire. Being the insane Nobody that he is, Xemnas checked the security cameras that he'd installed all over the Castle and determined that XIII and VIII were indeed otherwise engaged when the fire started.

Larxene had been examining the remnants of the windmill and discovered the self-destruct switch. After reporting her discovery to Xemnas, the Superior summoned Vexen and interrogated the Chilly Academic. Vexen never did give a clear and concise explanation of why there was a self-destruct switch in the first place, but the cause of the fire was determined to be accidental and no one had to suffer the wrath of Larxene, who performed the punishments in the Organization.

"That was disastrous." Saix shuddered.

"So let's find a different way of doing things." Marluxia said, using his scythe to slice a deer in half.

* * *

"Come on, Renji! Can't you do anything?"

Training Renji was proving to be a difficult task for the Flurry of Dancing Flames. He'd originally been training with Roxas, but the Savage Nymph called the neophyte to the Pool to help destroy some rabid sharks and piranhas.

So Axel was left alone to train Renji to rid the Castle of the animals. Unfortunately, whenever he got close to an animal of gargantuan size, the German Shepard gave a tiny squeak and hid behind Axel.

"Seriously, Renji!" Axel exclaimed. "We can put up with you, but we can't have all these animals!"

Renji gave Axel a look that said, "So what do you want me to do about it?"

"You can't be serious, Renji!" Axel protested. "Come on, already!"

A porcupine waddled its way over to the field where the Nobody and puppy stood. Renji took one look at the strange creature and looked at Axel with a look that said, "You seriously expect me to fight this thing?"

"No, Ren, I don't want you fighting porcupines. We'll let Xigbar or Zexion deal with them." Axel picked up the puppy and started to walk toward the Castle. "We'll find something else to fight."

Upon entering the Entrance Hall That I Completely Made Up, both pairs of eyes found Herculean sized animals waiting for them that included but were not limited to elephants, giraffes and polar bears.

"You know what?" Axel looked at the puppy. "Let's see if any are in Castle Oblivion."

And with that, the Flurry of Dancing Flames created a portal and walked through, arriving at Castle Oblivion when he reached the other side.

"Looks okay on the outside." Axel said as he set Renji down on the ground.

Opening the door, Axel's eyes met what could have been mistaken for a forest. Small woodland creatures were scattered throughout the entrance hall and they looked very odd there indeed.

"Here you go, Renji." Axel said to the puppy. "Just your size."

Renji did look happier to be fighting something that he could be at eye level with and took delight in chasing a rabbit around the room. Deciding that he might as well make the process go as quickly as possible, Axel summoned his chakram and started throwing them at the creatures. It would have been easier to torch the rodents, but Renji needed to be trained. And how was that going to happen if Axel did all the work for him?

* * *

Several hours later, all of the Nobodies gave a sigh of relief. At long last, the Castle was free of unwanted animals. That doesn't mean that there weren't injuries in the process. Vexen was often called upon because Nobodies had been slashed with swords, electrocuted by lightning, or shot with gun-arrows.

So the Nobodies of Organization XIII were now gathered in the Room Where Nothing Gathers, listening to a speech from Xemnas when Luxord noticed that something was amiss.

"What is it, Luxord?" Saix sighed, not really caring.

"Where's Axel?" Luxord frowned.

The Nobodies took a moment to look around the room for the presence of the pyro. When his absence was determined, they wondered where he would be.

"Roxas, weren't you with him?" Demyx wondered.

"I needed him to help me clear out the Pool." Larxene explained.

"So you weren't with him?" Xemnas asked.

"Nope." Larxene shook her head.

"Roxas, since when did you sound like a woman?" Zexion turned a page of _Ten Ways To Make Cheese_.

"I don't." Roxas was finally able to say something.

"Hey, Renji's missing, too." Marluxia noted.

"Maybe he's with Axel." Xaldin was braiding a strand of his dreds.

"Okay, when was the last time anyone saw them?" Xemnas asked the group at large.

"When I left with Larxene." Roxas said.

"Why does it matter, Superior?" Vexen questioned. "The Castle will be a lot quieter without that maniac."

"Vexen, do you want Axel to set fire to other worlds?" Xigbar raised an eyebrow.

"As long as it isn't here." Vexen scowled.

"Well, we need to find him." Xemnas said. "We don't want the other worlds to be destroyed."

"And Roxas would go insane." Zexion's lips formed a smile.

"No, I wouldn't." Roxas protested.

"Roxas, are you aware of how much time you spend with Axel?" Marluxia questioned.

"Not much." Roxas shrugged.

"Whatever you say." Saix rolled his ochre eyes.

"Split up and look." Xemnas ordered. "We'll meet back at dusk."

And with that, the Nobodies dispersed, grumbling and complaining about having to do more work that they'd expected to do. Well, it was better than having the Castle on fire.

**This was hysterical to write. ^_^ I hope it's a good read! Reviews equal love!**

**Next chapter: it's never a good thing to loose a pyro**


	30. Missing Pyros

**Disclaimer: I own nothing mentioned here. **

**Hallo! It's Mika-chan! This is a nice LONG chapter, but the end is kinda sappy. I couldn't help it, though. Ah well. We had a snow day today, and I wrote a lot of this chapter this afternoon. on with the deadly tale!**

It's never a good thing when one from the Organization goes missing. And of course, this time it had to be Axel, the only one who could engulf an entire cosmos in flames with a snap of his fingers.

I think I'll start digging that trench now, though it probably won't save me in the long run.

Ah well. You can't say I haven't tried, now can you?

The Castle That Never Was That Was Now Free From Pesky And Unwanted Animals was put on full lockdown, much like the time when Demyx ingested heroin and PCP and vanished. For one reason or another, the lights were off, which was _not_ a smart idea in the slightest. Hey, Saix could jump out and attack someone. Or one of Vexen's experiments could get loose. You get my drift, huh?

Despite the fact that the Castle was as black as your soul (a reference to _Head Like A Hole_ from Nine Inch Nails) the Nobodies weren't having a hard time finding the psychopathic pyro that is Axel. They had determined that he wasn't in the Lounges That Never Existed Parts X, XIII and LXXXVI, nor was he in the Library That Shouldn't Exist Anyway. This notwithstanding, the Nobodies still had a lot of ground to cover.

For one reason or another, Luxord was walking around taking bets on how long it would take Roxas to crack from the pressure of being apart from his beloved pyro. Xaldin and Lexaeus were betting half an hour, which proved to be the shortest amount of time. It appeared that the other Nobodies had a bit more faith in the Key of Destiny than X, II and V had.

"That's completely ridiculous and degrading, Luxord." Marluxia reprimanded the Gambler of Fate when the former found the latter in the Conservatory That Never Was.

"How is it degrading?" Luxord demanded.

"You make it seem like Roxas is obsessed with Axel!" Marluxia was on all fours looking under solar panels.

"Um…duh?" Luxord's response was a question.

"And that's not nice." Marluxia said.

"Neither was taping me having sex with Xigbar, but you don't hear me complaining." Luxord was clearly unhappy with the botanist.

"You _did_ complain." Marluxia pointed out. "And quite loudly, might I add."

"Oh, shut up." Luxord stomped out of the room angrily.

* * *

The cold air, the stainless steel equipment, the snow that was falling at a blizzard-like pace…

Okay, that last part is made up. But I digress…

I don't know why Vexen would think that Axel would be in the Lab. I mean, most Nobodies tried to _avoid_ setting foot in the arctic room. So why in the world would Axel be there?

Maybe Vexen's paranoid/ Schizophrenic brain is telling him otherwise. I dunno.

In any case, the Chilly Academic-his name matching the preposterous temperature of the room- was inspecting every nook and cranny of the Lab. Once again, only Demyx's dead grandmother knows why.

"Vexen!"

A series of stomping noises could be heard and Saix bolted into the room, stopping short of the cabinet containing hydro glycerine and propane.

"What, Saix?" Vexen demanded.

"The Superior wants to know if you've found anything." Saix was jumping up and down in an attempt to keep warm.

"Not yet." Vexen shook his head. "I will inform him if I know otherwise."

"Good to know." Saix was clearly desperate to get out of the room, for as soon as Vexen finished speaking, the Luna Diviner darted out of the frigid Lab.

* * *

"Okay, this is getting annoying."

After moving through floor after floor of Castle Oblivion, it seemed like there was no end in sight. Animals kept coming and Axel didn't know where they were coming from. Renji certainly wasn't complaining; the German Shepard had finally started attacking larger animals like deer and elk and sometimes even a tortoise.

While he was glad that Renji was getting trained, Axel had hoped that the animals would stop showing up at one point. But even after he slaughtered the 148,526,759th yak (can you imagine how long it would take to write _that_ out?) more kept coming. Axel had even prayed to Phyllis, the supreme being of the World That Never Existed, but it was no use.

"Renji! Don't wrestle with that rhino!"

It obviously wasn't working.

After prying Renji from the ferial creature, Axel decided that now was a good time to take a break. It took a while to find a secluded spot, but both Nobody and puppy appreciated the silence when it was discovered.

"This is getting ridiculous, Renji." Axel sat down on a log that had appeared from nowhere.

Renji nodded and jumped up in Axel's lap before curling up and going to sleep.

"Okay, a quick one, all right?" Axel smiled.

Renji gave the pyro a look that said, "I'm tired, okay?"

"Yeah, I know you are." Axel scratched the puppy behind the ears. "But we need to hurry up. Xemnas is probably going to wonder where we are." After a moment's thought, he added, "Forget Xemnas. _Roxas_ is going to wonder were we are."

A few minutes later, Axel decided that it was time to get going, ignoring Renji's protesting yelps as they walked off to another room. This time, the room was filled with desert creatures. Scorpions, camels and lizards were everywhere.

"I'll handle the scorpions, Ren." Axel told the puppy. "You can take care of everything else."

Renji yelped once before darting after a camel. After watching for a moment, Axel turned his attention to a nearby scorpion, snapped his fingers, and set the whole creature on fire.

Oh yes, it's a terrible thing when Axel goes missing.

* * *

When something goes missing in the Castle, Zexion isn't usually called upon to help find it. This is probably because the Cloaked Schemer has his nose in a book and isn't much help at all. When he was supposed to be looking for the PlayStation that Vexen had brought to life, Zexion walked right past it. And why was this? Because he was engrossed in his copy of _Ender's Game_.

Dude, Zexion sounds kinda like me at times. I mean, I take books to fire drills. Good _God_, I need a life.

Getting back on topic…

And what was Zexion doing when he was supposed to be looking for Axel? Reading a book. Go figure. Although I must say that he was working a little because he looked up every now and then.

Zexion opened the door to the Studio That Shouldn't Exist, expecting to find no non-living beings present. He, instead, found Roxas curled up on the couch in the fetal position, looking very terrified indeed.

"Roxas?" Zexion wondered as he peered over the head of the couch.

"What?" Roxas was clearly trying to sound normal. And he was clearly failing in his attempt.

"What are you doing?" Zexion sat down on the arm of the hideous mauve sofa.

"I'm making soup." Roxas said.

Now this took Zexion by surprise. Roxas was most certainly not making soup. Unless Roxas could make clones of himself and this wasn't possible. So why was Roxas making no sense whatsoever?

"Are you okay, Roxas?" Zexion asked.

"I'm trying to find the tomato juice. Could you tell the cabbage the laundry is done?" Roxas asked in response.

Zexion gaped at the Key of Destiny like the latter had turned into Cerberus. Now he _really_ wasn't making sense. What in hell could make Roxas so delirious?

Being apart from Axel.

Of course! It made sense when Zexion thought about it. Axel and Roxas were together almost all the time. And it had been about three days since the Flurry of Dancing Flames had gone missing. So Roxas would naturally be upset since Axel was MIA.

"You miss Axel, don't you?" Zexion simply wanted to confirm his idea.

"The light misses the fire." Roxas said with obvious sadness in his voice.

Zexion understood Roxas immediately. Light was Roxas' element and fire was Axel's. When this translation was made, Roxas' sentence turned into "Roxas misses Axel." So Zexion was right.

"I know you do, buddy." Zexion said. "Do you want me to stay here with you?"

"The passion fruit wants the sushi." For one reason or another, Zexion had no trouble understanding Roxas' babbling.

"Okay, Roxas." Zexion pulled out his book on the Office of the Night.

Now for those who don't know, the Office of the Night was around in Florence, Italy in…Shiva, I can't remember what time period. I think it was around the time of Henry VIII. Anyway, this Office of the Night scouted out homosexual activities and put the "perpetrators" in jail and the like. This was a favourite topic of mine in AP Euro. God, I'm glad that class is over.

"You might like to read this, Roxas." Zexion said. "Once you're back to normal, that is."

* * *

Xigbar stalked down the Hallway That Never Existed And Is Clear That I Made Up Just Seconds Ago trying to find someone to accompany him to the lower levels of the Castle. Xigbar usually isn't afraid, which he wasn't this time. He was just bored out of his mind.

"What are you doing, Xigbar?"

Larxene. Of course. The Nobodies always ran into Larxene when they wanted to find someone else.

"Having tea with Margaret Thatcher." Xigbar's words dripped with sarcasm.

"Shouldn't you be looking for that asshole?" Larxene always referred to Axel as asshole. In turn, Axel often referred to Larxene as wench or slut.

"What do you think I'm doing?" Xigbar furrowed his eyebrows.

"You just said you were having tea with Margaret Thatcher!" Larxene snapped.

"I was being sarcastic!" Xigbar exclaimed.

"Whatever." Larxene shrugged.

"So what are you doing, anyway?" Xigbar demanded.

"Burning down the Appalachians." Larxene grinned.

"Funny, Larxene." Xigbar was not amused in the least.

"I'm going to the Target Range with Saix and Marluxia." Larxene replied. "They think Axel might be there."

"Didn't Lexaeus already clear that room?" Xigbar wondered. "And where's Zexion? I haven't seen him for a while."

"Knowing Zexion, he's probably in the Library." Larxene rolled her eyes.

"No, he isn't." Xigbar shook his head. "I was just there."

"Well, good luck finding him." Larxene shrugged and made her way off to the infamous Target Range.

That being said, Xigbar continued on with his quest until he found Demyx coming out of the Game Room That Never Was, flashlight in hand.

"What are you doing, Demyx?" Xigbar questioned.

One was never sure what Demyx was up to. When he claimed to be reading a book on Catherine of Aragon, he was really building an RPG to bring down Hollow Bastion. I needn't mention that Demyx with an RPG isn't a good thing.

"Xemnas found Axel." Demyx proclaimed.

"Where was he?" Xigbar wondered.

"At Castle Oblivion with Renji." Demyx said. "It turns out that it was animal infested, too."

"Okay, so now we need to find Zexion." Xigbar said.

"My boyfriend is missing?!" Demyx screamed like he'd just seen Orlando Bloom wrestling a Great White Shark.

"Yes, Demyx, he is." Xigbar said with biting nonchalance.

"I need to find him!" Demyx screamed.

And with that, Demyx took off, but not before tripping over his feet a few yards down the infinitesimally long Hallway.

* * *

It was certainly turning out to be quite an interesting few days, what with the animals invading the Castle and Axel going missing. Now it was Zexion who was missing. Well, Zexion posed no immediate threat to the termination of the world, but he still had to be found.

Marluxia and Vexen wandered the halls of the gargantuan Castle, trying to find the Cloaked Schemer. This was proving to be difficult, as the lights in the ivory castle were still off.

"You know what I just realized?" Marluxia asked.

"Um…trees are upright?" Vexen asked.

"No."

"Zebras have stripes?"

"No."

"Lexaeus smells funny?"

"No."

"Then what is it?" Vexen demanded.

"When was the last time you saw Roxas?" Marluxia wondered.

"Um…three days ago." Vexen said after a few moments' thought.

"So where would he be?" Marluxia implored.

"I dunno." Vexen shrugged. "Maybe he went and killed himself."

"Vexen!" Marluxia gaped at his boyfriend.

"What?" Vexen shrugged as they passed the Lounge That Never Was Part CC. "He's annoying."

"That's because you're as old as the hills, honey." Marluxia said. "We should find him."

"Okay, fine." Vexen scowled.

A few moments later, the two found the Studio That Never Was. It was highly unlikely that Zexion and/or Roxas were inside, but the might as well check anyway.

Walking inside, Vexen and Marluxia found a light on, which posed an interesting question: who was inside? As they ventured farther into the Studio, they found Roxas, curled up on the couch, with Zexion reading a book next to him.

"Zexion! Roxas!" Vexen snapped.

Zexion immediately jumped a mile, but Roxas remained where he was.

"What's going on?" Marluxia wondered.

"I found Roxas in here. You should have heard him, Marluxia." Zexion said. "It was pitiful."

"Because Axel's missing?" Marluxia assumed, remembering how Vexen was when the Graceful Assassin went on a month-long mission in Traverse Town.

"That would be my guess." Zexion nodded. "So I'm staying with him to keep him company."

"Well, we found Axel." Vexen spoke for the first time. "We just had to find you two."

"And you found us." Zexion turned to Roxas and said, "Roxas, we found Axel."

But Roxas made no response. He continued to lay on the couch in the fetal position, shuddering slightly violently.

"This is bad." Marluxia said in astonishment. "It's only been three days, hasn't it?"

"That's the sad part, Marluxia." Zexion nodded.

"All the more reason to spend time apart from your boyfriend." Vexen rolled his eyes.

"So that's why you hardly ever talk to me." Marluxia looked at the Chilly Academic in annoyance.

"Partially, yes." Vexen nodded. "And because my experiments come before my relationships."

"It's a small wonder I still love you." Marluxia sighed.

"Well, we should go find Axel, then." Zexion said. "What do you think, Roxas?"

"The cabbage wants the pickle." Roxas said sadly.

"What the fuck?" Vexen asked.

"That's his way of saying that he wants Axel." Zexion said.

"So Axel's now a pickle?" Marluxia raised an eyebrow.

"He was a jellyfish about an hour ago." Zexion shrugged.

"Just put Roxas in his room and we'll go find Axel." Vexen ordered.

"I guess so." Zexion picked Roxas up and carried him through a portal to his room, setting him gently on the bed.

"Where are you going, unicorn?" Roxas wondered.

"Finding Axel." Zexion assured him.

He was about to leave when he heard Roxas say, "Bring him back, okay?" which was easily the most sane thing the Key of Destiny had said in days.

"I will, buddy." Zexion promised.

Wow. That last part was kinda sappy, wasn't it? Sappy things shouldn't be in a comedic story! What's wrong with me?! Ah well. Let's move on with the story.

After dropping off Roxas, Zexion headed off to find the Flurry of Dancing Flames, wherever he was. That's a shame. I mean, if the Nobodies can't find each other when everyone is _inside_ the Castle, what does that say? That the Castle is to fucking big, that's what.

He was about to go to the Steps That Never Existed when Demyx bounded out of the Storage Closet That Never Was, knocking the Cloaked Schemer off of his feet.

"What the hell, Demyx?" Zexion demanded.

"Whatcha doin'?" Demyx grinned.

"Finding Axel." Zexion said. "Go with Roxas, will ya?"

"Why?" Demyx frowned. "What's wrong with him?"

"He's going insane, that's what's wrong with him." Zexion said. "Just go sit with him in his room until I get back, okay?"

"Right-o!" Demyx saluted before skipping off to Roxas' room.

A few minutes later, Zexion found Axel coming out of the Dance Hall That I Made Up with Renji not far behind him.

"What the fuck were you thinking, Axel?" Zexion demanded.

"What are you talking about?" Axel was clearly confused.

"Do you know what's wrong with Roxas right now?" Zexion questioned.

"Um…no?" Axel's response was a question.

"He's loosing his mind, Axel." Zexion smacked the Flurry of Dancing Flames upside the head.

"Come off it, Zexion." Axel said. "Roxas isn't like that."

"Oh yes he is." Zexion said. "Just go find him. He should be in his room with Demyx."

"Got it." Axel rolled his eyes and walked off, Renji trailing along behind him.

It took a few minutes for Axel to reach the seventh floor corridor, but when he saw Roxas, he wished the time was cut in half. Roxas looked absolutely miserable lying curled up on his bed. The cerulean eyes looked lost and confused, like they hadn't seen the sun for a thousand years.

"It's about time, Axel."

Axel hadn't noticed Demyx sitting next to the bed. The faux-hawk wearer was glaring at the Flurry of Dancing Flames like the latter was the one responsible for the German invasion of Belgium.

"He's that bad, huh?" Axel asked.

"I just got here and I can tell that." Demyx said. "I'll go tell Zexion to call off the search."

"No need to." Axel said. "He's the one who told me."

"Does Xemnas know?" Demyx asked.

"No, not yet." Axel shook his head.

"I'll go tell him, then." Demyx stood and walked out of the room.

After a second's hesitation, Axel sat down on the bed next to Roxas and wrapped his arms around his much-smaller lover.

"Roxas…"

Roxas tensed for a second, as if he was expecting someone to strike at him. But when Axel repeated his name, Roxas turned around and saw Axel sitting next to him.

"Miss me?" Axel smiled.

Roxas didn't say anything, but his actions made his response loud and clear. The Key of Destiny had pulled Axel down on the bed and pressed his lips to the pyro's. Roxas had never kissed him like this before. It was a kiss that said, "I missed you," and "Don't leave me again."

"I missed you, too." Axel said.

"Why did you leave?" Roxas demanded, clearly angry.

"I was at Castle Oblivion." Axel said. "I had to get rid of those stupid animals, didn't I?"

"Well, take me with you next time." Roxas said. "I missed you."

"I can tell." Axel kissed him gently on the lips.

As if on cue, Saix broke the sentimental moment by yelling, "Where the fuck is Zexion?!" And with that, the chaotic day came to a close, only to be met with more chaotic days in the future.

**I'm sorry for the sappyness at the end. Is it obvious I'm a die-hard AkuRoku fan? ^_^ I'm not expecting any sappiness in the next chapter, but who knows? Reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: Xaldin's hair salon**


	31. Xaldin's Salon

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to KH. I do, however, own this crazy plot. **

**Hallo! It's Mika-chan! This is a pretty interesting chapter. Well, Xaldin's going to be pretty OOC in this chapter. anyhow, on with the deadly tale!**

Now I came up with the idea for this chapter a few weeks ago-around Christmas, actually- but I am just now actually writing this down. I am using this opportune moment to write out this lovely tale, even though it will take many of those opportune moments, indeed. Hey, I was planning on writing a _Bleach_ oneshot, but you know what? I'm going to write this story instead. So if there are a number of _Bleach_ references, you know why.

Six o'clock on a non-existent Monday morning found Xaldin in the Bathroom That Never Was That Is Often Inhabited By The Whirlwind Lancer Himself. Xaldin was actually trying to braid his dreds like Retsu from _Bleach,_ but the effect wasn't working out so well.

While he was undoubtedly creating knots in his dreds, an idea- a plot bunny if you will- came into his head. This was an idea to end all ideas, an idea that no one, living or non-living, had ever had before. And no! It wasn't to shave Lexaeus' head and set him on fire! Not in the least!

Xaldin was going to open a hair salon.

You may laugh, my lovely readers, but Xaldin thought that this was a damn good idea. Xaldin felt that the inhabitants of the Castle That Never Was But Exists For Some Unknown Reason could use a hair salon. And he knew how to work with hair pretty well. The only one who could come even remotely close was Axel and he was limited to creating wild spikes in his fire engine red hair. So, naturally, Xaldin was the perfect guy for the job.

But would the Nobodies of the insanely enormous Castle That Never Was That Should Have More Adjectives Following Its Name really use the salon? Probably not. Xaldin was the only one that really needed to do any maintenance and that was by choice. For one reason or another, everyone else's hair was natural. Larxene's hair naturally made her look like a hornet and Zexion's hair was naturally emo-esque. And yes, Axel's hair was natural too, contrary to popular belief. The only time when he used spiking gel was when he was feeling particularly rebellious and felt like spiking it more than normal. At least he didn't look like Zaraki Kenpachi from _Bleach_, but it was crazy just the same.

Xemnas, however, would most likely reject the Whirlwind Lancer's proposal, feeling that many of the Nobodies wouldn't use the facility and it would, therefore, be a waste of effort, space and dust, seeing that the dust could be used in places like the Storage Closet That Shouldn't Exist and/or The Random Room Where Xigbar Stores His Gunpowder.

Even though Xemnas would almost certainly reject the idea, Xaldin still felt that it was his duty to at least bring up the idea in the next meeting. He had to start somewhere, didn't he?

* * *

Meetings are never a fun event for anyone. If you live in corporate America, this is especially evil, demonic, sadistic and any other foul word you can think of. Just sitting in the Room Where Nothing Gathers made the Nobodies of Organization XIII want to be the victims of Medieval torture devices and trust me, Medieval torture was _not_ pretty.

Well, it's interesting, but I'm just strange like that.

One thing that the meetings brought was the fact that it was a good time to catch up on sleep or any other project. Lexaeus had finished crocheting his lampshade and had moved on to knitting a bookshelf. Zexion had finished reading _War and Peace_ and had started to read _For Whom The Bell Tolls_. Vexen had started to come up with a list for mindless experiments that would most likely cause the Castle to explode. And Saix had simply fallen asleep. Go figure, right?

"So does anyone have any ideas for how we can add to Kingdom Hearts?" Xemnas asked from his nonsensically high chair.

Looking out to the masses, Xemnas saw that those who weren't working on other projects were sleeping. Axel must have been dreaming of something or other because fire would shoot forth from his fingertips at regular intervals. Luxord kept muttering something about challenging a gerbil to a duel and Demyx was singing _Dude Looks Like A Lady_ in his sleep.

"Wake _up_!"

Instantaneously, all of the Nobodies were forced to pay attention to the meeting. Zexion had dropped his book and it fell to the floor with a thud, which resulted in Renji barking from Roxas' room, a good seven floors below the Room Where Nothing Gathers.

"What gives, Superior?" Demyx complained.

"You shouldn't be sleeping during a meeting!" Xemnas reprimanded the Nobodies.

"Yeah, yeah." Axel and Larxene said together.

"So…any ideas?" Xemnas asked.

"For what?" Marluxia wondered.

"On how to add to Kingdom Hearts!" Xemnas roared.

"Just kill Sora." Vexen shrugged.

"He's my Other, Vexen." Roxas retorted.

"Yeah, so?" Saix demanded.

"That would be like killing me!" Roxas exclaimed.

"Yeah, you'd probably fade if Sora was to die." Luxord observed.

"Really? I thought my Other died a while ago." Saix wondered.

"Saix, you don't know your Other." Zexion pointed out, returning to his book once again.

"Oh yeah." Saix frowned.

"Anyway…" Xemnas attempted to bring the conversation back on track. "Any ideas?"

"No one really cares, Superior." Larxene said.

"And you _should_ care!" Xemnas bellowed.

"Why?" Axel wanted to know.

"Because this could be how we get our hearts!" Xemnas was about to rip his vocal chords.

"Calm down, Superior." Xaldin said.

"Why can't we just live like Hippies?" Luxord asked quite randomly.

"What the hell?" Lexaeus, Demyx and Zexion wondered.

"Why in the world were you thinking about Hippies, Luxord?" Xigbar wanted to know.

"I was thinking about getting stoned." Luxord explained.

"I see." Xigbar was trying to sound professional.

"And you should _not_ be thinking about ways to get stoned, Luxord." Xemnas was clearly agitated. "Is anyone going to be serious about this?"

"Nope." Larxene shook her head.

"I have a suggestion, Superior." Xaldin spoke up.

"About Kingdom Hearts?" Xemnas looked quite astounded indeed.

"No." Xaldin said, which caused Xemnas' happy metre to drop about seventy points.

"What is it?" Vexen sighed.

"I propose we make a hair salon." Xaldin proclaimed.

The Nobodies stared at him with blank and incredulous looks. Xaldin was usually one of the more sane Nobodies. So why would he suggest such a ludicrous idea?

"Have you lost your mind, Xaldin?" Roxas wanted to know.

"No." Xaldin shook his head.

"He must have." Saix said.

"Why?" Lexaeus implored.

"Who else would be so insane to suggest such an idea?" Saix pointed out.

"Good point." Lexaeus said.

"Xaldin, why do we need a hair salon?" Xemnas wanted to know.

"Because you all look ridiculous!" Xaldin shouted.

"So do you." Vexen challenged.

"But I can fix you guys!" Xaldin proclaimed.

"We aren't electronic devices, Xaldin, no matter what Lexaeus thinks." Zexion said.

"Hey!" Lexaeus protested.

"I can make Axel look normal." Xaldin said.

"I look fine the way I am." Axel said through gritted teeth.

"And I can make it so that Larxene doesn't look like a hornet!" Xaldin pointed out.

"Watch it, Xaldin." Larxene hissed, looking just as angry as Axel.

"Xaldin, as long as you know where you're going to build it, I don't see any reason why you can't go ahead with this project." Xemnas said.

"What?!" All of the Nobodies yelped.

"You can't be serious, Superior!" Luxord exclaimed.

"Xaldin can never stay with an idea for very long." Saix said. "It won't be long until he gives up."

* * *

"Roxas! I think this thing is screwed up!"

After the dreaded meeting, XIII and VIII had retreated to the Kitchen That Never Was for some lunch. Or a late lunch, since it was almost four in the afternoon.

"What did you do?" Roxas walked over to the stove where Axel was attempting to make some ramen.

"Tried to boil the water." Axel replied.

"Did you use your fire again to try to start the oven?" Roxas sighed.

"Yeah." Axel nodded.  
"Axel, of _course_ it's going to break if you use your fire on it." Roxas shook his head. "Okay, I'll get Larxene."

At that moment, a piercing shriek sounded throughout the Castle That Never Was. It may sound like a hyena being hung from piano wire to some, but the paranoid residents of the World That Never Was knew that it was Larxene.

"On second thought, maybe we should wait." Roxas said.

"_Get the fuck off of me, Xaldin!"_ Larxene could be heard from many floors below the infamous Kitchen.

"Nah, she'd be pissed if we let her suffer." Axel grabbed Roxas and pulled him out of the room.

The two followed the sound of Larxene's screaming down to Xaldin's room on the seventh floor. Renji was outside the closed door, waiting obediently for someone to let him inside.

"I'm not sure you'd want in, Ren." Axel said. "There could be some bad shit going on inside."

"Just hurry up, Axel." Roxas opened the door.

When they walked inside, they found that Xaldin's room had been changed completely to resemble a hair salon. Dryers were set up across the room along with a sink and a full-length mirror.

Xaldin had somehow managed to strap the Savage Nymph in a chair with duct tape –it's the universal fixer, I tell you!- and was clearly attempting to clip off the part of Larxene's hair that made her resemble a hornet. And Larxene was putting up a magnificent fight. Lightning was everywhere, which wasn't a smart idea since there was water around, trying to electrocute the Whirlwind Lancer.

"Xaldin, what the fuck are you doing?!" Axel yelped as Renji darted into the room.

"He's trying to kill me, that's what!" Larxene snapped.

"Xaldin, you can't do this." Roxas said, unplugging the electric razor. "She clearly doesn't want to be here."

Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure _that_ one out, now does it?

"But…" Xaldin looked very disappointed.

"And don't think about me, either." Axel said quickly, sensing where Xaldin was going with the conversation.

"Just get me out of here!" Larxene shrieked.

"Okay, chill out, Larxene." Axel used his fire to melt the duct tape on Larxene's wrists and ankles, allowing her to stand up and walk around.

"Xaldin, if this is what you're going to do, then it needs to stop." Roxas said.

"No, I won't do it again." Xaldin was acting a lot like Lexaeus for one reason or another.

"I hope we can believe that." Axel scooped up Renji in his arms and walked out of the room with Roxas not far behind him.

* * *

It was a joyous day for Xigbar. He'd beaten Saix in Blackjack, shot targets in the Target Range That Shouldn't Exist for five hours, and his shipment of bullets came in all the way from Connecticut. Oh yes. Xigbar's day was absolutely blissful.

He was in the Lounge That Never Was Part CCXXVII watching an episode of _Bleach_ when Renji padded into the room looking very bored indeed.

"What's up, Renji?" Xigbar questioned.

The German Shepard puppy jumped on the couch, something that Axel and/or Roxas didn't let him do.

Wasn't Renji supposed to be Lexaeus' dog? So how did Roxas and Axel end up taking care of him? Well, I guess Lexaeus' mentally challenged brain couldn't handle the responsibility of caring for a puppy. Axel and Roxas can certainly watch over him, though.

"What are you doing up here?" Renji was used to Xigbar since the two often went to Agrabah and Port Royal on missions.

Renji gave Xigbar a look that said, "I'm bored."

"I know you are." Xigbar scratched the puppy behind the ear. "You want to go play fetch?"

At the word 'fetch' Renji's ears perked up, so that was Xigbar's cue that yes, Renji did want to play fetch. So the two made their way over to the Gym That Never Existed Before and commenced the game of fetch. But instead of a stick, ball or Frisbee, Xigbar shot bullets at targets and allowed Renji to run around wondering where they went.

"Xigbar!"

Axel dashed into the room looking quite shocked indeed.

"What?" Xigbar rested his gun on his shoulder.

"What in the world were you doing with Renji?!" Axel demanded.

"Playing fetch." Xigbar responded.

"Doesn't look like it to me." Axel scooped up Renji and carted him out of the room.

* * *

"Xaldin, this has to stop."

Xemnas had been looking for Saix to tell the former to go to the Pride Lands on a mission when he realized that the Luna Diviner was nowhere to be found. After looking all over the Castle, Xemnas had to conclude one thing: Xaldin had abducted him. Well, it was the only conclusion that made sense.

And indeed, when Xemnas found him, Saix was tied to a chair and Xaldin was in the process of dying VII's hair green. Not an attractive colour for Saix, but it was better than magenta.

"What are you talking about, Superior?" Xaldin feigned innocence.

"Isn't it obvious that Saix doesn't want to be here?" Xemnas asked.

"Which I don't!" Saix felt that he should have the right to put in his two cents.

"You can't keep doing this, Xaldin." Xemnas said. "I might've let you keep this thing if you hadn't attacked Marluxia."

"He wasn't cooperating!" Xaldin exclaimed. "It wasn't my fault that he tried to throw a knife at my head!"

"But you didn't need to wrap him in bubble wrap, now did you?" Xemnas said.

"That was because he tried to strangle me with the cord to the curling iron!" Xaldin protested.

I wish I could have seen this fight. That would be interesting, huh?

"You need to shut this down." Xemnas was firm in his orders.

"But Superior…" Xaldin whined.

"No, Xaldin." Xemnas said. "Now free Saix and take everything out."

"Thank God for that." Saix was clearly glad to be released.

"Oh, shut up." Xemnas said before leaving Xaldin in quite an angst-like state.

**Kinda odd ending...anyway, I suppose I should mention that I can still take requests for this story. Just let me know and I'll see what I can do! Reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: who's the whore now, huh?**


	32. Who's The Whore Now?

**Disclaimer: Would any sane person come up with ideas as insane as these?**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! Sorry this has taken so long. I was sick for a week and i didn't feel like writing. That being said, Vexen is going to be EXTREMELY OOC in this, so watch out! But it's going to be good. ^_^ on with the deadly tale!**

As I have undoubtedly mentioned in an earlier chapter, Marluxia is something of the Slut Of The Castle That Never Was, a title that I completely made up a few seconds ago. He's screwed just about everyone in the Castle save for Roxas, Larxene, Axel and Xemnas, but that's only because he was too afraid to bang the Superior.

In any case, Vexen, Marluxia's freaky scientist of a lover, had ventured forth from the Lab and was walking up to the Kitchen for a bite to eat. He'd been working on bringing a dictionary to life, something that would greatly please Zexion, when he got a sudden case of the munchies. Finding this hard to ignore, Vexen then marched up to the toxic wasteland known as the Kitchen. But what he found there made him forget about his hunger entirely.

Marluxia was in the Kitchen with Luxord.

Now this statement may seem innocent enough to some, but I suppose I haven't explained the full problem. So let me rephrase the above sentence and see if it's easier to comprehend.

Marluxia was banging Luxord against the fridge in the Kitchen.

Make sense now?

Vexen immediately dropped the flask of motor oil that he had been holding, which caused X and XI to turn in the direction of the Chilly Academic. Luxord was holding on to Marluxia like he was a passenger of the _Titanic_ before it's epic tragedy and their tongues had obviously been intertwined before the intrusion of Vexen.

All three Nobodies stared at each other in horror, each not knowing what the other would do. Vexen couldn't believe what he was seeing. Marluxia, _his_ Marluxia, was cheating on him. And with Luxord, no less.

Horrified, Vexen walked out of the room, the flask of motor oil all but forgotten, and tried to forget what he had seen. Luxord turned to Marluxia and said, "I think he's mad."

* * *

In another part of the insanely enormous Castle, gunfire could be heard at such a loud decibel level that the polar bears in Antarctica could hear it. Now this is a usual occurrence in the World That Never Was, but when screams could be heard at decibel levels that could rival seventy Boeings taking off, I'm sure you can imagine how loud Zexion was being at that point in time. Xigbar, who had been causing the gunfire in the above sentences, stopped causing chaos and general paranoia and decided that maybe this demonic shriek should be investigated.

Shouldering his weapon, the Free Shooter traipsed out of the Target Range On The Floor That I Can't Remember and ventured out to the hallway where he stopped dead in his tracks. It's lucky that Demyx wasn't running down the hallway chasing after his chinchilla or there would have been a collision that could be compared to a train wreck in western movies.

For one reason or another, when Xigbar was investigating the cause of a noise (such as an explosion from a rocket launcher or the gelatinous sound of the basketball hoop being turned into tapioca pudding) he went into the next room and waited for the sound to be heard again so he could get a new "view" of where the sound was coming from. In this case, however, the shriek didn't sound again, which is probably best for the poor non-existent soul who had uttered the shriek since their non-existent voice box had most likely shattered into pieces as small as eraser bits.

Frowning, Xigbar moved on to the next best thing: opening every door into the every room and finding if anything had gone wrong. And he certainly found some interesting things. He learned that Xaldin liked to watch drag queens have sex in fiery stairwells, that Larxene liked to watch _Desperate Housewives_, that Xemnas liked to sleep (but who didn't know that?) and that Roxas got annoyed if he was disturbed while playing _World of Warcraft_. But even though he'd found out all these random bits of senseless information that he'd probably forget about in ten seconds (which he did), Xigbar couldn't figure out where the maniacal scream had come from.

Ah well. Every dog has his day, right?

Upon seeing a random copy of _Grow Your Own Toenails_ (a book of Vexen's, I'm sure), Xigbar remembered there was one place he'd forgotten to look: the Library That Never Was.

Well, maybe he'd thought about it, but he didn't want to get lost in the row of books like the last time. Granted he'd had a cold and was still feeling the effects of Nyquil, but he was in there for over half the day.

Dreading what he was sure to come, Xigbar sauntered over to the gargantuan Library. After walking through the sections (with a map, this time) dedicated to weight loss, medieval witch hunts, recipes for baking squash, lemon and eggplant pie, Henry VIII's enormous family tree (listing all of the illegitimate children) and sponges, Xigbar reached the section with books on cream cheese and found Zexion on the floor, weeping hysterically as though he'd just been informed that his puppy had died.

Naturally, Xigbar dashed over to the Cloaked Schemer, dropping the book about the toenails (why he brought it is beyond me) and comforted the piteous Nobody.

"What's wrong, Zexion?" Xigbar wanted to know.

"Look…at my book!" Zexion managed to say through sobs.

He held a book up to Xigbar, who took it in his hand. His eye (that's so weird to write) scanned through the pages before it came across a page that had been dog-eared. It was a little dog-ear, so small that only a trained eye could see it, but it was clearly the end of the world to Zexion.

"Because of this?" Xigbar showed the imperfection to the distraught Nobody.

After looking at the book for half a second, Zexion burst into sobs once more, which told Xigbar that yes, all this was because of a dog-eared book. The Free Shooter felt that the dramatics were a bit overplayed, but Zexion hardly got emotional. So since the Cloaked Schemer was sobbing his heart out onto the floor, II felt that this was a very delicate situation.

"It's okay, Zexion." Xigbar rolled his eyes, which greatly contradicted his sympathetic tone. "Do you know who did it?"

"I…don't know." Zexion, for one reason or another, started banging his head against a book on English ivy.

Maybe Zexion was feeling like the flagellants from the Plague era. You know, the people who beat themselves to rid themselves of the Plague? I've been in Euro too long, haven't I? But the Plague was an amazing time. Too bad more than half of Europe died.

The doors to the Library slammed open and Demyx bolted into the room and found II and VI in the time it usually takes Larxene to gut a fish. In any case, the Melodious Nocturne grabbed Zexion by the waist and carted him out of the room without a word, leaving Xigbar feeling very confused indeed.

* * *

For once in his life, Lexaeus was performing his so-called "parental" duties with Renji by playing fetch with the German Shepard on the Roof That Shouldn't Exist. Maybe this is because Axel wanted to have a DDR tournament with his boyfriend, but maybe Lexaeus was feeling exceptionally motivated and felt like playing the role of the owner that he should have been playing all along.

Though he is known for his brute strength, Lexaeus knows jack shit about raising a dog. When he first attempted to play with Renji, he had thrown the stick at the defenseless puppy. I needn't mention that that didn't go over very well. After multiple attempts, the Silent Hero admitted defeat and allowed Renji to chase after the random Shadow Heartless and more random Dancers and Dusks that had started to appear.

After a moment or two, a rather profound wail could be heard throughout the upper levels of the Castle That Never Was. Lexaeus instantly ruled out Xaldin, since he was in Port Royal on a mission, nor could it be Larxene because it wasn't a demonic howl. The creator of the wail stepped out onto the Roof moments later, which shocked Lexaeus completely.

Vexen. And he looked very distraught indeed.

What in the name of all that is holy could have happened to make Vexen this upset? He _never_ got this upset over an experiment. He came close to it when he couldn't bring Cromwell back from the dead, but the world would be a much better place without Cromwell. But Vexen looked more depressed than Lexaeus had ever seen him.

"What's wrong, Vexen?" Lexaeus wondered as the Chilly Academic slouched over and sank into a folding bamboo chair.

"Marluxia…" Vexen said simply.

"What about him?" Lexaeus questioned.

Vexen took a deep breath before saying, "He cheated on me. With Luxord."

I'm actually feeling kinda sorry for Vexen right now. I mean, Marly just cheated on him. I'd be pretty depressed, too.

But this is me, and it's my God-given mission to give Vexen as much hell as I can, so on we go!

"Luxord?!" Lexaeus did an eye-popping thing like in the old silent movies. "Man, Vexen, are you okay?"

"Do I _look_ okay?" Vexen glared at the Silent Hero with murderous intent.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lexaeus asked.

Vexen hesitated, watching Renji tackle a Dusk, before saying, "I do, and I don't."

"Why not?" Lexaeus asked.

"Because if I tell you, you'll tell everyone else." Vexen said.

"Vexen, the same thing happened to me." Lexaeus assured him. "I won't tell anyone."

Of course, this is total BS. Lexaeus _thought_ that Zexion was cheating on him with Demyx, but he wasn't. Zexion can be heartless, but he'd never do something like that. Would he?

"I know he used to sleep around a lot before we got together, but I thought he stopped." Vexen said, staring at the obsidian sky. "We've been together for five years. Five years, Lexaeus! Doesn't that mean anything to him?"

"Evidently not." Lexaeus shook his head.

"And it's not like I can forget seeing him groping Luxord." Vexen's eyes were squeezed shut as he tried to block out the vulgar and lewd image. "Could you easily forget it if you saw Zexion making out with Saix?"

"No, I can't say that I could." Lexaeus said before allowing Vexen to continue on with his rant.

"And it's not like he's easy to put up with." Vexen ploughed onward. "Do you have any idea how annoying it is when I wake up to him watching Animal Planet?"

"Must be rough." Lexaeus nodded.

"And he's always complaining that I care about my experiments more than him. Like hell." Vexen's eyebrows had become a single line in his anger and frustration. "I care about him more than he knows."

"So tell him." Lexaeus advised. "Tell him how you feel."

"You should have seen the way they were going at it, Lexaeus." Vexen said. "It was like Marluxia doesn't even want me anymore." Silence followed his statement for a minute before he said, "Yeah. I know what I'm going to do."

"What?" Lexaeus asked, hoping Vexen wouldn't resort to something drastic like cutting off Marluxia's head.

"I'm breaking up with him." Vexen proclaimed.

"I think that's pretty much a given already." Lexaeus said.

"Xemnas stayed with Xaldin when he found him cheating on him with Xigbar." Vexen retorted. "No. If this is how it's going to be, then I'm not going to be in the picture at all."

And with that, Vexen rose from the bamboo chair and stormed off the Roof, leaving Lexaeus feeling confused and anxious at the same time.

* * *

I could say that millions of thoughts were going through Marluxia's mind as he tried to find Vexen throughout the day, but that would be exaggerating. True, he was thinking many thoughts, but they were all linked together. They were all connected to that look on Vexen's face when he had found them.

_This isn't going to end well_, Marluxia had thought to himself as he bolted out of the Kitchen after the Chilly Academic only to find that the latter had created a portal and had gone off to some unknown room in the Castle.

Marluxia could have gone after him, knowing full well that his lover had most likely retreated to his sanctuary, but he didn't. Part of him was telling him to find him, but the other half was telling him to stay behind. Vexen certainly wouldn't want to see him any time soon, and Marluxia couldn't say that he blamed him.

Vexen's comment had irked him. While everyone was searching for Axel, then Roxas, the Chilly Academic had said something to make Marluxia think. "My experiments come before my relationships." But did Vexen actually mean what he'd said? Sure, Vexen was as cold as a pipe buried seventy-thousand feet under the snow in Siberia, but could he really feel that way?

Everything was moving way too fast for Marluxia to think properly. He abandoned his search and retreated to his room, hoping that a solution would present itself. Of course, the chances of that were as likely as the entirety of Argentina speaking Turkish, but he needed something to do.

Walking into his room, Marluxia smelt the usual mix of jasmine, lilac and vanilla, a combination of smells that was usually very comforting. This time, however, it was doing nothing for the Graceful Assassin.

After deciding to take out his frustration on some poor virtual Nazis by playing _Call of Duty_, Marluxia sat down at his desk to find a note taped to the screen of his decrepit computer. He instantly recognized the handwriting as Vexen's and immediately feared the worst. After a second's hesitation, his blue eyes finally found the page and began to read.

_Marluxia,_

_You probably already know what I'm going to say, but I feel that I need to say it anyway. If you're going to keep doing things like this, then there's no way that I can be with you. Things are tense enough as it is and I don't need to feel like this. I guess this means that it's over._

_Vexen_

It was as he'd feared: Vexen was breaking up with him. For one reason or another, Marluxia had known all along that Vexen was going to end it eventually, even years before the incident in the Kitchen. But he never thought that things would end like this.

Bolting out of the room, knocking over Xemnas' gnome statue in the process, Marluxia dashed down to the Lab, where he knew he'd find Vexen. Sure, Vexen might not want to see him, and he'd probably start throwing things like usual, but Marluxia had to at least explain.

As he threw open the door to the polar-esque Lab, Marluxia's azure eyes scanned the room for the deranged scientist. The Chilly Academic was at the lab table, trying to turn a fruit bat yellow. It was an old experiment, an experiment that had ultimately resulted in a month-long power outage in the Castle, so Marluxia knew that it was bad. Vexen only pulled out the failed experiments when he was über depressed and the fruit bat experiment was one of the worst failed experiments in the list.

"Vexen…"

Vexen tensed for a second as he recognized the voice as Marluxia's, but he didn't look directly at the Graceful Assassin.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

"To talk to you." Marluxia responded.

"What if I don't want to talk to you?" Vexen sounded angrier than usual.

"Then just listen, okay?" Marluxia questioned.

Vexen debated this for a moment, but didn't say anything. Marluxia figured that it was okay to continue, since the Chilly Academic hadn't started throwing flasks of lithium or microscopes.

"I know what I did was wrong. I really didn't want things to turn out like that." Marluxia began.

"Really?" Vexen's words were clearly sarcastic. "Didn't seem like it to me."

"I really didn't, Vexen." Marluxia gazed at a fermented gerbil in a glass jar on the bookshelf. "I don't usually do that sort of thing."

"You certainly did before." Vexen reminded him.

"But I stopped after we started going out, remember?" Marluxia said.

"You did?" Vexen finally faced the Graceful Assassin.

"Yes, Vexen, I did." Marluxia said. "Then you said something that made me think."

"Oh really?" Vexen raised an eyebrow, prodding the dead fruit bat with a rod.

"Remember when Axel went missing and you said that you care more about your experiments than you do you relationship with me?" Marluxia asked.

"I was mad at the time!" Vexen exclaimed. "I wanted to work on my cabbage experiment!"

"But it made me wonder if you really meant that. I started to wonder if you'd even notice if I was cheating on you." Marluxia went on. "So I decided to experiment to see if you'd care at all."

"Of course I care." Vexen said. "You're my boyfriend, aren't you?"

"Well, not anymore, technically." Marluxia said.

"So what's your point, Marluxia?" Vexen stuck an IV needle into the fruit bat.

"I guess I'm trying to tell you my side of the story. I never intended to stay with Luxord or do anything like that. He's a somewhat good friend, but that's all he is to me." Marluxia walked over to the other side of the table. "I really didn't think you'd notice or even care. But you evidently do."

"Of course." Vexen said.

"I never meant to hurt you, Vexen." Marluxia said in a small voice.

"You certainly did that. What the hell were you thinking anyway, Marluxia?" Vexen had completely forgotten about his experiment. "What made you think that I didn't care?"

"Well, you're always experimenting, for one thing." Marluxia started.

"Nothing would get accomplished if I didn't." Vexen crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"And you never seem to want to be with me anymore." Marluxia said. "And when we are together, you're always agitated and annoyed."

"That's usually because Axel's done something moronic." Vexen retorted.

"But can you see why I thought the way I did?" Marluxia questioned. "I just needed to know if you cared anymore."

"You should have known that without asking, Marluxia." Vexen said.

"So…what are we going to do now?" Marluxia asked.

"What do you mean?" Vexen frowned.

"What are we going to do about us?" Marluxia wondered. "Are we going to stay apart, or are we going to get back together?"

Vexen hesitated for a moment before saying, "Part of me wants to stay apart, but the other half is telling me to get together with you again." He was silent for a few seconds before saying, "My better judgement is saying to leave it separated, but I want to get back with you."

"So what are you going to do?" Marluxia asked.

"What the other half is telling me, even though I know I'll probably regret it." Vexen wrapped an arm around Marluxia's waist.

"You won't." Marluxia assured him. "In all the time we've been going out, has there ever been a time where you regretted being in love with me?"

"Well, there was the time when you almost blew up the Castle." Vexen replied.

"That wasn't my fault, okay?" Marluxia scowled. "Saix had slipped crack in my martini!"

"Yeah, but you didn't need to go around setting off fireworks in the Lounge, now did you?" Vexen gave a rare smile.

"Give me a break…" Marluxia rolled his eyes.

Axel, as if he knew that there was a sentimental moment going on, could suddenly be heard yelling, "_Demyx, get these fucking water clones out of my fucking room!_"

So all was well within the Castle That Never Was. All except for poor Zexion, who was still grieving over his beloved book. Little did he know that more tragedies would present themselves in the near future.

**I'm straying from the comedy, aren't I? I'm doing my best to stay on track! I'm going to write a one-shot based on this chapter and I could use some help coming up with a name. If you have a suggestion, let me know and I'll think it over. I'll announce the winning title at the beginning of the next chapter. Reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: a new member?**


	33. Electric Bills and Poker

**Disclaimer: Do I REALLY need to say it?**

**Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! Sorry this took a while to write. But we had a snow day today, so I spent all day writing! I hope it's good. On with the deadly tale!**

It was considered normal in the Organization to hear triumphant yells from Vexen over an experiment that was mostly likely bringing a dictator back from the dead and/or personifying staplers. It was considered normal to hear Larxene's screams of pleasure when she was torturing woodland creatures. It was considered normal to hear gunfire from different rooms and the accompanying cackles of maniacal laughter from Xigbar when he was in the Target Range.

So nobody really paid any attention to the shouts of anger and the shrieks of pain coming from the Pool That Never Was.

I'll give you three guesses to figure out who the Nobodies were.

Saix?

Nope.

Xemnas?

Nada.

Zexion?

Wrong again.

Demyx, Roxas and Axel were in the Pool, relaxing and spending time away from the more paranoid members of the Organization. Well, Demyx and Roxas were. Axel, being a fire manipulator, couldn't get wet, so he remained on a lawn chair nearby reading a copy of _The Hobbit_. Demyx, thinking that it was his God-given mission to annoy the hell out of the Flurry of Dancing Flames, kept splashing the redhead, causing Axel to shoot fireballs at the Melodious Nocturne. Fearing that he would get third degree burns (that's the highest level, isn't it?) Demyx kept creating water clones that tried to attack the pyro. This, in turn, caused Axel to send even more flames in the direction of the sitarist, which caused the whole cycle to repeat itself in constant succession.

With all the noise, you'd think that Germany was invading Poland again.

"Demyx, stop trying to piss off Axel." Roxas said from the edge of the pool where he stood dripping at the deep end. "And Axel, stop trying to send fireballs at Demyx."

"But he's paranoid, Roxas." Axel tried to say.

"I don't care." Roxas said before diving into the pool and swimming over to the shallow end.

"You heard him, Axel." Demyx sounded like a five-year old.

"But you have to stop getting me wet." Axel said. "Wait a minute. I have the highest rank here."

"Your point?" Roxas raised an eyebrow.

"I can do whatever I want without you two stopping me." Axel said, a devious grin spreading across his face.

"But you won't have a boyfriend anymore if you burn the whole place down." Roxas gave Axel the glare that really belonged to Larxene.

"God dammit." Axel scowled, clearly angry that his plan had been foiled so easily.

"Or I can get Vexen up here." Roxas said.

"I'd just _love_ to set fire to the Lab." Axel looked very maniacal indeed.

"But Xemnas would get mad." Demyx was now floating on an inflatable inner tube.

"No kidding?" Axel rolled his eyes.

"So what are the plans for today?" Roxas asked.

"I have to go to Traverse Town on a mission." Demyx said.

"What are you supposed to do?" Axel wondered, returning once again to his now waterlogged book.

"Ransack a building and destroy the town." Demyx said.

"How are you going to do that?" Roxas frowned. "Water can't burn down a city."

"Well noted." Axel smiled.

"I'm going to take some bombs that Xigbar made." Demyx explained.

"Have these been tested?" Axel looked at the Melodious Nocturne.

"By Xemnas himself." Demyx nodded.

"Okay, then." Axel breathed a sigh of relief.

"Why?" Roxas wondered as he floated on his back. "What's wrong with them?"

"Remember the bombs Xigbar made that made the whole Castle smell like garlic?" Axel asked.

Now_ that_ was an interesting time period. And it was certainly a lesson to all that Vexen should be the one conducting the experiments.

Xigbar, realizing that some bombs would be exceedingly useful, decided that he would create said bombs himself. He would have asked Vexen, but the Chilly Academic was too busy trying to bring Bismarck back from the dead to be concerned with anyone else's problems. So since Vexen was unavailable, Xigbar realized that he would make the bombs by himself. After all, how hard could it be?

Ten minutes later, Xigbar found himself in his room, sitting on the floor, with a plethora of chemicals and bomb-building equipment before him. He had no manual, operating only by what instinct told him to do.

Now, instinct can be very helpful. It can tell you how to avoid getting mauled by a bear and/or inform you that it isn't a smart idea to set your hand on a burning skillet. But sometimes, instinct can be downright disastrous.

Can you guess what it was in this case?

Xigbar's bomb wouldn't have been a complete failure if he'd been trying to ward off vampires. But since this wasn't his goal, it was ultimately deemed useless and the members of the Organization had to deal with the Castle smelling like garlic for several months. They also had to suffer through a lecture from Xemnas about how Vexen was the only one to conduct experiments. Well, Vexen shouldn't be conducting many of his experiments (like his attempt to fuse mercury and uranium) but those experiments were overlooked.

"Well, Vexen checked them, too." Demyx said, as if this made any difference in the matter.

"I'm bored." Roxas announced quite randomly.

"So am I, but you don't hear me complaining." Axel's eyes had found his book once again.

"You have a book." Roxas retorted. "I don't."

"Then deal with it!" Axel snapped.

* * *

Many things could be heard from Xemnas' office. He could hear when Lexaeus was lifting weights in the Weight Room That Really Shouldn't Exist. He could hear when Marluxia was listening to anything by Jennifer Lopez or Jordin Sparks. He could definitely hear Demyx and Roxas having a _Guitar Hero_ tournament and Roxas' angry protests that followed soon after a song was finished.

Despite these annoyances, Xemnas didn't move his office to a more quiet location. Maybe this is because he has so few brain cells to tell him what to do.

The paranoid leader of Organization XIII was in his office, trying to ignore Xaldin's atrocious rendition of _Leavin'_ from Jesse McCartney (how ironic, since Jesse McCartney does the English voice for Roxas) as he looked over the many bills that poured in from various companies that didn't exist. Sure, it makes no sense, but it makes for a good mini-plot.

Many of the bills were for repairs of things broken almost entirely by Axel. The Flurry of Dancing Flames was notorious for breaking just about anything he touched. A particular bill was for the repairs done to the windows in the Lounge That Never Was Part XII when Axel had thrown the GameCube out the window because he couldn't defeat a certain boss. The chandelier in the Target Range That Never Was had needed to be fixed after Axel set fire to it out of sheer boredom.

Need I say more?

After setting those bills aside, Xemnas was quite horrified to learn that he had to pay almost a million dollars for the electricity bills. So horrified, in fact, that he almost fell out of his seat. Well, he should have seen this coming since Xigbar played _Call of Duty 3_ just about every waking hour of the day and Roxas and Axel were always having _DDR_ and/or _Guitar Hero _tournaments. Not to mention the fact that Saix and Zexion liked to challenge each other to _Halo_ and Larxene played _Assassin's Creed_ like there was no tomorrow.

Xemnas really needed to have a talk with those insane Nobodies of his.

Shifting through the rest of the bills, the Superior found his list of objectives for the month. Lexaeus had successfully killed some viziers in Agrabah and Xaldin had stolen several medallions in Port Royal, but the other missions were left unfinished. True, Roxas and Axel always performed well on their Heartless elimination missions, but Demyx still had to destroy the Town Hall in Halloween Town and Vexen had yet to create a bomb that would make the hydrogen bomb look like a pipsqueak in comparison.

Maybe Xemnas needed to recruit a new member into the Organization.

There wasn't much logic behind this insane idea, but perhaps adding another Nobody would increase the number of missions that were actually completed.

Deciding that this should be discussed, Xemnas decided to summon the Nobodies together in the dreaded Room Where Nothing Gathers to see what they thought of the idea.

* * *

The Kitchen That Never Was was filled with tension so thick it had to be cut with a butcher knife. Or Cloud's Buster Sword. Whatever works.

Luxord, Xigbar, Larxene, Saix and Vexen were gathered around a foldout card table in one corner of the enormous room, with several cards in their hands. Luxord, the dealer of this infamous poker game, had dealt out the cards and his eyes were on Xigbar as he waited for the gun otaku to make his move.

"Call." Xigbar threw a Sharpie down.

"Same." Larxene copied the actions of the Free Shooter, but used a bottle of White Out instead.

"Raise." Saix moved a blank CD onto the pile.

"Call." Vexen's eyes were on Luxord as he moved a flask of Plutonium to the pile as well.

This may seem very confusing to an untrained eye, so I suppose I should explain.

A few non-existent years ago, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx, Zexion and Luxord had been playing poker in the Game Room That Never Was Part VIII. Zexion, tired of playing with the regular poker chips, had opted to use various objects instead. They, of course, couldn't be dangerous objects like Larxene's throwing knives of rolls of piano wire, but the game simply had to spiced up a bit. They didn't bother telling Vexen off when the Chilly Academic had put a live grenade on the table since he would almost certainly complain about the whole ordeal.

So now Luxord lowered his hand to reveal a straight: seven, eight, nine, ten, and a Jack. Xigbar, who only had two Queens and two threes, threw down his cards in disgust. The only one who beat Luxord was Saix, who one with a royal straight.

"How do you always win?" Vexen demanded as Saix raked in his winnings.

"Just luck, I guess." Saix shrugged.

"Luck my ass." Larxene hissed. "You always cheat, Saix."

"No, that would be Xaldin." Xigbar reminded her.

"Oh, yeah." Larxene frowned.

They were about to start another round when Xemnas' voice could be heard over the intercom, which was never a good thing.

"_Attention, attention. There will be a mandatory meeting in three minutes and twenty-seven seconds. And Roxas, make sure Renji is _not_ in the meeting room, this time."_

Xemnas is getting a tad precise about the times, huh?

"Can we _ever_ go a day without a meeting?" Vexen complained.

"Apparently not." Luxord said as the Nobodies exited the Kitchen and headed for the dreaded Room Where Nothing Gathers.

* * *

I'm sure you all know by now what goes on in the meetings. Xemnas drones on for hours at a time and makes no sense whatsoever. Consequently, the Nobodies loose their concentration and usually fall asleep. Zexion, however, is the lone exception and starts reading the most obscure books in existence like _Seven Fail-Proof Ways To Electrocute Your Dog_ and/or _Medieval Execution For The Modern Man_.

Xemnas was used to the apparent lack of attention from the rest of the Organization, but he would not have it today. So whenever a Nobody looked like they were about to fall asleep, the Superior would send a laser just above their head, thus waking them up instantaneously.

"What is it, Superior?" Marluxia scowled after he was awoken for the seventy-fifth time.

"Do you all know how much electricity you use?" Xemnas asked as he looked out to the masses, who were, for once, awake.

"I don't think we really care." Demyx said.

"Almost a million dollars." Xemnas said. "A million dollars!"

"I pay more than that for an ounce of meth." Vexen rolled his eyes.

"And I thought I was the one who provided the electricity." Larxene pointed out.

"Apparently not." Axel shrugged as his finger twisted around one of his spikes.

"So all of these video game tournaments have to stop." Xemnas said.

"That's hitting a bit below the belt, huh?" Roxas was obviously annoyed.

"And what about my lab?" Vexen demanded.

"You'll get to have the electricity in your lab, Vexen." Saix said.

"Since you can't seem to live without it." Larxene growled under her breath.

"Hey, I've come up with several inventions that have proven useful, Larxene." Vexen snapped.

"And me, too." Marluxia added. "Don't forget that I was the one who had to experiment with that security system and the refillable propane tank."

"That was ultimately disastrous." Luxord didn't look up from his game of solitaire.

"Quiet!" Xemnas yelled so loudly that power outages were caused in Greenland.

"Okay, okay." Lexaeus said. "No need to shout."

"And I have a proposition." Xemnas went on.

"Don't you always?" Xaldin and Xigbar said at the same time.

"I would like to add another member to the Organization." Xemnas said.

The Organization looked at the Superior like he had turned into the living form of Artemis. Had he finally lost what little of a mind he had? It was completely unacceptable to add another member to Organization XIII. It was absolutely unheard of.

"Pardon my bluntness, Superior, but have you completely lost your mind?!" Axel was, as always, the first to break the silence.

"Of course not, Axel." Xemnas said.

"What made you think we need another member?" Roxas was trying to remain as calm as he could in this ridiculous situation.

"The number of missions being completed has dropped drastically in the last year." Xemnas explained.

"Luxord and I just finished that one in Atlantica." Marluxia said.

"And I did the thing in Hollow Bastion!" Larxene pointed out.

"And what about mine in the Pride Lands?" Xigbar said. "Don't tell me that was for nothing!"

"But a lot of others have been left unfinished." Xemnas said. "Zexion, you have yet to eliminate the rulers in Wonderland."

"That's because Vexen hasn't fixed my RPG." Zexion said.

"Vexen?" Xemnas looked at the Chilly Academic.

"I had to build a rocket launcher for Saix and a cage for Luxord." Vexen said.

"Why do you need a cage, Luxord?" Xaldin wondered.

"So I can trap my opponents for my duels." Luxord grinned.

"Yeah, that's not unfair at all." Axel rolled his eyes.

"And Roxas, you still need to find the information on Ansem the Wise." Xemnas face the youngest Nobody.

"My informant still has to contact me, Superior." Roxas said.

"Are you talking about the turtle in the Deep Jungle?" Marluxia asked.

"Yeah." Roxas nodded.

"Oh, Larxene killed him a few months ago." Marluxia explained.

"Larxene!" Roxas was about ready to murder the Savage Nymph.

"What?" Larxene was completely unfazed. "He was pissing me off."

"Roxas, start searching again tomorrow." Xemnas said. "Take Demyx with you, if you'd like. And Axel…"

"Yeah?" Axel clearly wasn't paying much attention.

"Go with Xigbar tomorrow when he goes to the Land of Dragons." Xemnas said. "You'll need to burn the village."

"With pleasure." Axel grinned manically.

"So what does this have to do with getting a new member?" Vexen attempted to bring the group back on topic, since Zexion and Saix had started talking about Tetris.

"If we got a new member, missions could be carried out much quicker." Xemnas said.

"No kidding?" Xaldin said.

"So if anyone finds a Nobody that could be beneficial to the Organization, bring him or her back and I will decide if they will be of use." Xemnas said.

"At least I won't be the youngest anymore." Roxas said.

"Sure you will." Xigbar said.

"Not if we get a new member." Luxord said.

"Is that all, Superior?" Lexaeus was eager to return to his computer games.

"No, we must discuss the upkeep of the Castle." Xemnas said.

"Come on, Superior!" Axel complained. "We've been here for six hours!"

"Your point?" Xemnas clearly couldn't see what the problem was.

"We're sick of being here." Larxene said blatantly.

"And I have research to do." Vexen said. "I need to fuse some carbon with sulphur."

"Good God, it'll reek in here." Zexion said.

"And I wanna play _Guitar Hero_!" Demyx whined.

"Well, it'll have to wait." Xemnas said.

"You can't be serious!" Saix exclaimed.

"As a heart attack." Xemnas said.

"Which makes no sense, since we don't have hearts." Marluxia said under his breath.

"So the Porch is in serious danger of collapsing unless we have someone fix it…" Xemnas droned on, completely ignoring the protests from the rest of the Organization.

The Nobodies sank back into their nonsensically high chairs, trying to ignore Xemnas' monotonous voice as he rambled on about how the Castle was becoming a shambles. All they knew was that they would _not_ allow another member to enter the Organization. That would be disastrous.

**I REALLY hope i'm not loosing the humor thing with this. Anyway, remember the chapter I wrote when Axel was missing? Well, I wrote a oneshot on it! It's called I Need You and I'll be uploading it as soon as I post this. I'd really appreciate it if I have some readers from TSTNW read it. It's your choice. reviews equal love! and so do ideas for how to make this story better!**

**next chapter: do I see Xion making an entrance?**


	34. Hello, Xion!

**Disclaimer: Really, do i need to say it at this point?**

**Hey! It's Mika-chan! I'm so sorry for the late update! I did tech stuff for the school play, which ended last saturday, and that kept me busy. But I hope this chapter makes up for it! On with the deadly tale!**

All in all, the meeting lasted for well over fourteen hours, which, as Larxene noted, was a record. Zexion disproved her, however, by mentioning a time when they had held a meeting lasting seventy-three hours, nineteen minutes and twenty-one seconds, but this atrocious meeting was held before she joined the Organization, so how could she have any recollection of it? It was, actually, the first meeting that Axel had attended, which instantly made him wonder how long he'd stay of sound mind. He used this insanely long meeting, however, as a time to perfect his fire manipulation, since he was still having trouble with the skill.

The contents of the meeting were pretty much as boring as they could get. Xemnas rambled on and on about how the Castle was slowly deteriorating and thus blamed the Nobodies for it's atrocious condition. Saix then pointed out that they had no time to manage the upkeep of the Castle That Never Was That Could Be Mistaken For A Military Base since the residents were always on missions. Xemnas, however, disproved this by mentioning the events of the previous day. Larxene had played _Grand Theft Auto II_ for six hours, Xaldin had dyed his hair canary yellow, Vexen and Marluxia had watched all movies starring Heath Ledger, Lexaeus had played about seven hours worth of Go Fish with his teddy bear and Axel and Roxas had played about six hundred forty-two thousand nine hundred thirty seven rounds of 007, which ultimately resulted in Axel's fiery outburst, which in turn resulted in the entirety of the Porch being engulfed in flames.

"We just didn't have missions, yesterday." Roxas said towards the end of the meeting.

"And I didn't see anyone working on the upkeep of the Castle, now did I?" Xemnas pointed out.

"Actually, Saix was cleaning out the Game Room." Zexion said without looking up from his copy of _Gone With The Wind_.

"The one with the pool table?" Larxene asked.

"The pool table and the basketball hoop." Zexion replied.

"Hey, where _is_ Saix?" Axel wondered, noticing the absence of the Luna Diviner.

"He's on a mission." Xigbar said, tossing a stray bullet in the air. "He left in the middle of the meeting."

"I didn't notice." Axel ran his fingers through his wild hair.

"That's because you were asleep at the time." Xemnas said disapprovingly.

"I was?" Axel frowned.

"Yeah, it was before you tried to set Vexen on fire." Roxas told him.

"Oops. Sorry about that, Vexen." Axel said to the Chilly Academic, who was writing the atomic masses of various elements.

"No, you aren't." Vexen said flatly.

"You're right. I'm not." Axel shrugged and leaned back in the unreasonably high chair.

"So…is this meeting finally over yet?" Larxene wondered.

"I'd say so, yes." Xemnas said.

"About time." Zexion muttered under his breath.

"I call the PlayStation!" Demyx leapt from his chair and bolted out of the room.

"In moderation, Demyx!" Xemnas yelled after him.

"It's hopeless, Superior." Luxord said.

"Try and talk some sense into him, Zexion." Marluxia said.

"Me?" Zexion was clearly confused as he climbed down from his chair. "Why me?"

"Because Demyx is your boyfriend, remember?" Xaldin reminded him.

"Waaaaaaah!" Demyx's scream came from not far away.

"What is it, Demyx?!" Vexen questioned, whilst Zexion simply dashed out of the room to find his boyfriend.

"Saix brought someone weird here!" Demyx cried. "And it's a girl!"

"Oh no, you don't." Larxene rather liked being the only female in the Organization and she wasn't about to have that status changed.

"That was quick." Xemnas said, strolling out of the room.

When the Organization reached the Hallway, they found Saix leaning against the wall, his usual bored expression on his face. Beside him was a strange new Nobody with shoulder-length obsidian hair and blue eyes.

"Where'd you find her, Saix?" Xemnas asked.

"In Destiny Islands." Saix replied. "I thought I should bring her back."

"Okay, then." Xemnas said. "I'll see if she'll fit."

And with that, Xemnas took the strange Nobody by the arm and they set off towards his office. As one, the Organization turned to glare at Saix, who said, "What are you glaring at me for?"

"You are _not_ supposed to bring another Nobody here, Saix." Axel said through clenched teeth.

"Why not?" Saix frowned.

"Because we won't be Organization XIII anymore." Marluxia said.

"We'd be Organization XIV." Demyx said, who had his arms wrapped around Zexion.

"Does it really matter what we'd be called?" Xaldin wondered.

"Apparently it does." Zexion was ignoring his boyfriend and reading his book again.

"I hope she won't be staying here." Larxene said.

"Yeah, one chick is annoying enough." Axel smirked, to which Larxene responded by throwing a knife at his head. Axel dodged it just in time and the knife ended up almost hitting Luxord.

"Okay, calm down." Xigbar said to VIII and XII. "There's a sensible way to deal with this."

"And that is?" Lexaeus frowned.

"Make sure that she won't be staying." Xigbar grinned like this decision was ingenious.

"But we don't really have a say in the matter." Roxas pointed out.

"Oh well!" Xigbar shrugged.

"This is ridiculous." Vexen shook his head. "I'm going back to the lab."

"And what are you going to be doing?" Zexion wanted to know.

"Mutating a python with a kangaroo." Vexen replied before walking down to the Lab.

"I don't want to imagine how that would look." Marluxia was looking slightly sickened.

"Kangaroos!" Demyx exclaimed.

"Shut _up_, Demyx!" Axel yelled, smacking the Melodious Nocturne upside the head.

"Axel, don't abuse Demyx." Xaldin ordered.

"He was annoying." Axel shrugged. "And you know you'd have done it if I hadn't."

"He has a point there, Xaldin." Larxene said.

"Whatever." Xaldin rolled his eyes before going to the Lounge That Never Was Part IXVI to watch _The Apprentice. _

* * *

Strange aromas were coming from the Kitchen That Never Was That Now Looked Like A Swiss Restaurant and that wasn't a good thing. When one smelled something odd in the Castle, they almost always interrogated Vexen to see if the deranged scientist was behind it. This, however, was not the case.

Xigbar and Saix had been watching _Hell's Kitchen_ when Saix decided to make some macaroni and cheese. Xigbar, feeling up to a challenge, decided that they would hold a contest to determine who was better at cooking. But they couldn't taste their own food so they had brought Lexaeus, Roxas and Zexion up to the Kitchen to test the concoctions.

And they hadn't stopped at macaroni and cheese. Not in the least. Saix and Xigbar had made tacos, fish and chips, niratama, sauerkraut and turkey burgers. It was getting to the point where the three Nobodies testing the food were getting annoyed with the whole competition.

"Aren't you two done yet?" Roxas complained after he finished Xigbar's strudel.

"I'm not winning yet!" Saix exclaimed.

Wondering how the winner would be determined, Xigbar decided that a point system would be used. Each taster would rank the food on a score from one to ten with ten being the highest. Whoever reached one hundred points first would be the winner. Saix currently stood at forty-seven points, whilst Xigbar had fifty-two points.

"But this is getting ridiculous, Saix." Lexaeus said. "I can't eat any more food."

"At least we won't have to feed you later." Zexion smirked as he turned a page of _The Encyclopaedia of Flies_.

"Seriously, though!" Saix looked rather annoyed by the testers' lack of enthusiasm. "I need to win!"

"Give it up already, Saix." Xigbar said where he was stir-frying some vegetables. "I'm already in the lead."

"Only by five points." Saix corrected him, sticking out his tongue like a toddler.

"Whatever. I'm done." Roxas said, standing up from the table.

"And where do you think _you're_ going?" Saix demanded.

"To the Game Room." Roxas grinned. "I'm having a _Guitar Hero_ tournament with Demyx."

* * *

As one can imagine, the Castle That Never Was looked very different from the eyes of a German Shepard. And Renji certainly got an interesting perspective of the day-to-day routines of the Organization.

Renji almost always slept in Axel and/or Roxas rooms, but he occasionally slept in the Corridor That Never Was. He never went in Larxene's room, however. He'd made that mistake once before and he'd almost gotten thrown out the window.

He always woke up Axel first, since the redhead would, in turn, wake up Roxas. Renji had tried to do this before and the end result wasn't pretty. He'd learned that Roxas was a bit "nicer" with Axel than he was with the other Nobodies so it was probably safer that Axel dealt with the Key of Destiny.

As he padded down the steps, Renji could hear noises coming from the Game Room That Never Was Part XIX. Peering inside the open door, the German Shepard found Larxene playing some video game on the GameCube, which was something she did every now and then. Figuring it was a good idea not to get on her bad side, Renji continued in search of Roxas. XIII always played fetch with Renji and that's what he felt like doing.

After finding Axel break-dancing to something by Daft Punk and Demyx playing _Rock Band II_ with Marluxia, Renji finally found the blonde Nobody on the Porch That Never Was playing something on his DS. The German Shepard jumped up on the lawn chair where Roxas was sitting and tried to get the Nobody's attention.

"What do you want, Renji?" Roxas smiled when he saw the puppy.

Renji yipped once, which he hoped sounded something like, "I want to play fetch!"

"You want to go for a walk?" Roxas assumed, turning of the gaming device.

Renji's ears drooped, to which Roxas responded by saying, "Oh, you want to play fetch, don't you?"

Renji barked once, which Roxas took as a yes and said, "Okay, sounds good to me. Let's see if we can get Lexaeus to play. He needs something to do."

* * *

Demyx had long since tired of playing _Rock Band II_ and had decided to play something on his sitar. He'd gone from _Miss Murder _and _Soul on Fire _to_ She's a Rebel _and_ Underclass Hero_, being unable to decide what song was the better one. After Vexen had told him off for playing _Link_, Demyx came to the conclusion that he'd better stop playing if he didn't want an early fading.

So now he was playing a video game on his DS and it just so happened to be _Bleach: Dark Souls_, a game I got a few days ago. He was fighting a match between Hitsugaya Toshiro and Kusajishi Yachiru when the door opened and Luxord lumbered into the room. It was obvious that X had been drinking since the Melodious Nocturne could smell the vodka on his breath. Keep in mind that the two Nobodies were on completely opposite ends of the room.

"What's up, Luxord?" Demyx didn't look up from his game.

"Xemnash shaysh there'sh a meeting inafew minutesh." Luxord slurred quite atrociously.

"Okay…" Demyx doubted this, noting how drunken the Gambler of Fate appeared to be, but decided that it was better to be safe than sorry. "I guess I'll go up, then."

"Soundsh good." Luxord stumbled out of the room and down the hallway.

After turning off his game, Demyx walked out of his room and into the one next to his, which just so happened to be Axel's. He found the Flurry of Dancing Flames dancing to _Hips Don't Lie_, which is a very old song indeed.

"Axel, there's a meeting in a few minutes." Demyx was completely unfazed by Axel's dancing.

"Why am I not surprised?" Axel's eyes rolled to the ceiling as he turned off the music. "Do you know what it's about?"

"No idea." Demyx responded. "Luxord came in and told me a few seconds ago. Then again, he was drunk, so this could be a mistake."

"It better not be." Axel was clearly annoyed that his dancing had been interrupted.

Upon arriving in the Room Where Nothing Gathers, VIII and IX found that only Larxene and Saix were present. Maybe word of the meeting hadn't gotten out to the other members of the Organization.

"Man, this is boring." Axel said twenty minutes later when all but Xemnas were in the Room.

"Quit complaining." Vexen snapped. "The rest of us are bored, too."

"You have your periodic table." Axel replied. "Even though I'm sure you've memorized it by now."

"Oh, I have." Vexen nodded.

"Then why do you still have it?" Larxene wondered as she leaned back in her gargantuan seat.

"Habit." Vexen shrugged one shoulder.

Eventually, the leader of Organization XIII arrived, even though he was twenty minutes late. Behind him was the female Nobody from before, though she now donned the standard obsidian cloak and uniform.

"What's going on, Superior?" Marluxia wondered.

"There will now be a fourteenth member in the Organization." Xemnas announced.

The Room, which had once been rather noisy, became so silent that you could hear a pin drop. Twelve pairs of eyes stared at Xemnas in confusion. Why in the world was he allowing another member in the Organization?

"And this girl is going to be the fourteenth member?" Zexion raised an eyebrow, finally looking up from his copy of _Hannibal Rising_.

"I'm sure Xion will be a great asset to Organization XIII." Xemnas went on.

The other members clearly thought otherwise, but they refrained from saying it. They'd had enough experience with Xemnas' anger and wished to remain alive, so to speak.

"That being said, Xion will be with Roxas, Demyx and Axel for the time being." Xemnas said.

"What?!" Axel's protest could be heard immediately. "Why us?"

"Because I'm fairly sure that the three of you won't kill her out of frustration." Xemnas explained.

"Are you sure about that?" Larxene said under her breath, knowing how Axel became when he was annoyed.

"So Xion," Xemnas faced the girl who stood next to him, "Just stick with those three for now."

Xion simply nodded and said, "Okay."

"And make sure you don't piss off Larxene." Xigbar said with a grin.

"What was that, Xigbar?" Larxene hissed, summoning her knives.

"Larxene, calm down." Xemnas ordered. "We have urgent business to get to."

"Like what?" Saix challenged.

"I'm going to give out mission assignments." Xemnas announced.

"Oh, yeah." Marluxia rolled his eyes.

"Zexion, you will be going to the Space Paranoids to confront the MCP." Xemnas said.

"Got it." Zexion gave up on his book entirely.

"Xigbar and Larxene will go to Twilight Town and destroy the weapon factory that is being created there." Xemnas said.

"Whatever." Larxene clearly couldn't care less.

"Vexen, you will finish working on that RPG for Zexion and start building a uranium bomb." Xemnas faced the Chilly Academic.

"If you say so." Vexen said.

"Demyx, Roxas, Axel and Xion will go to the Timeless River and Port Royal to eliminate Heartless." Xemnas said.

"That's all we ever do." Axel said under his breath.

"Is everyone clear on their mission assignment?" Xemnas asked, to which he was greeted with a series of complaints. "Well, get going!"

One by one, the Nobodies jumped down from their seats and filed out of the Room Where Nothing Gathers. Xion, clearly lost and confused, managed to find the Nobody called Roxas and said, "So…where are we going?"

"We'll go to the Timeless River first." Roxas said. "It's easier there. Especially for a first timer."

"Let's get going already." Axel grabbed his boyfriend and started to drag him out of the room. "I have things to do today."

Xion watched the scene before her with a confused look on her face. It would certainly be different being in Organization XIII.

**Yes, Xion is now a member. Since we don't know that much about her yet, I'm making a lot up. If I'm wrong, I might change it, but I probably won't. anyway, reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: Xion, you're in for a world of trouble...**


	35. A Somewhat Typical Day

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Hey Yo! It's Mika-chan! I have noticed a DRASTIC decrease in reviews for this story. Is no one reading this anymore? It hurts when I get no reviews, people. Seriously! But since I've finished this, here's the next chapter. On with the deadly tale!**

I would hate to be in Xion's shoes. She'd just entered a strange organization and didn't have any sort of clue as to what was going on. And to top it all off, they wished she would drop off the face of the earth. Not a good way to make friendships with people.

After the missions at the Timeless River and Port Royal had been completed, Roxas, Axel and Xion returned to the Castle That Never Was But Somehow Is For A Reason That I Can't Explain. It was almost three in the afternoon when the Nobodies returned once again, which left three full hours until dinner.

"So what now?" Xion asked the other two after they portaled into the Game Room That Never Was.

"Hell if I know." Axel shrugged before walking off to the Lounge.

Feeling that he should be doing something, Roxas asked, "Do you have your room set up yet?"

"Nope." Xion shook her head.

"I'm assuming you'll have the room next to mine. Just be glad you won't be next to Luxord." Roxas said as the two made their way to the seventh floor.

"Why?" Xion wondered.

"It'll become brutally obvious after he's had about a case of tequila." Roxas explained.

"Oh." Xion said.

"Are you always this quiet?" Roxas questioned.

"I've never noticed." Xion shrugged.

"You can be loud if you want, you know." Roxas told her, stepping past Marluxia's copy of _Gardening Today_ that was lying on the floor. "No one will think it's weird."

"Are you sure?" Xion asked.

"It's obvious that you haven't been here for a while." Roxas smiled. "What exactly did Xemnas tell you about being in the Organization?"

"That we are trying to get Kingdom Hearts." Xion said.

"Did he tell you how you're supposed to act?" Roxas wondered.

"Like professionals." Xion said.

"Yeah, that almost never happens." Roxas grinned.

"It doesn't?" Xion was clearly astounded by this new information.

"We're the exact opposite of professional." Roxas said. "You'll figure that out in no time."

"I guess so." Xion said as they stepped out to the seventh floor.

"Really, you can do just about anything and no one will be surprised." Roxas said. "Well, we were a bit surprised when Larxene hung the canary with piano wire…"

Xion simply stared at Roxas in horror. Just what was she dealing with? What kind of an organization was Organization XIII?

"Oh, you'll get used to it, I promise." Roxas assured her, seeing the terrified look on her face. "Larxene's always like that."

"Okay…" Xion said uncertainly.

They soon came to the room next to Roxas'. It was exactly like the other rooms in the corridor, but it was as vacant as a tomb. Well, an unused tomb.

"This is your room now." Roxas said. "You can customize it any way you want. The rules are out in the hall."

"Rules?" Xion frowned.

"They may seem ridiculous, but we've had situations where they've become necessary." Roxas said as the two stepped back into the hallway and found the long list of rules tacked to the wall.

"_Rule one_." Xion read. "_All walls must remain white_."

"Marluxia's in charge of the interior design." Roxas explained. "You don't want to know what it looked like before he showed up."

"_Rule two."_ Xion continued. _"Windows must remain intact."_

"Lexaeus tried to smash the window so he could bungee jump off the roof." Roxas said.

"That doesn't even make sense." Xion protested.

"I'm not in charge." Roxas smiled. "Xemnas is the one to come up with these rules."

"_Rule three." _Xion read on. "_No roller-skates_."

"Demyx was skating down the hallway and caused Zexion to trip down several flights of stairs." Roxas explained,

"_Rule four_." Xion continued. "_Darts may only be thrown at the dart boards, not other members' heads."_

"Long story." Roxas said.

"_Rule five_." Xion went on. "_All topiary that resembles aquatic creatures must belong in the Pool. All others must belong in the Conservatory."_

"Marluxia's also in charge of plants." Roxas explained.

"_Rule six."_ Xion was getting tired of reading them. "_In regards to the tap-dancing competitions, shoes with steel cleats, garden hoses, exhaust pipes and/or machine guns shall not be worn."_

"Axel tried to wear a pair of shoes with a machine gun one time." Roxas said. "That didn't end well. You don't have to read all of these right now, you know."

"I don't?" Xion asked.

"Just make sure you read them." Roxas said. "You don't want to have Xemnas on your case later, do you?"

"No, not really." Xion shook her head.

"That's what I thought." Roxas said.

* * *

There were always arguments in Organization XIII. Lexaeus argued with Saix about who would be the dealer for Egyptian Rat Screw. Luxord and Xaldin argued over whether they would watch _FullMetal Alchemist: The Conqueror of Shamballa _or _Finding Nemo_. Axel and Marluxia argued over how the iron maiden was created.

So no one was surprised to hear Xigbar and Larxene arguing on the Roof That Never Was. Okay, Xion was a tad surprised since she could hear the argument from where she stood on the first floor, but no one else found it unusual.

The topic of the argument happened to be about _Heroes_, a show that is becoming like crack to me in the sense that it's the only thing that I look forward to anymore. Larxene believed that Sylar was still the bad guy he'd always been, but Xigbar was convinced that he'd changed his ways.

"If he's so good, Xigbar, why did he kill all those people at that one place?" Larxene challenged.

"You'll have to be more specific, Larxene." Xigbar said. "Sylar killed a lot of people."

"When he was at Mr. Gray's house." Larxene twisted a strand of hair around her finger.

"He was getting attacked!" Xigbar exclaimed. "Don't you think you'd fight back, too?"

"That's not the point. He didn't have to kill the guy who was trying to kidnap Luke." Larxene pointed out. "But he did anyway."

"I have no idea why he did that." Xigbar shrugged. "But he didn't kill Luke."

"Yet." Larxene grinned.

"Oh, come on!" Xigbar exclaimed. "He doesn't want to kill Luke and you know it."

"Sylar only used Luke so he could find his father. Now that his father's dead, he doesn't have a use for him anymore." Larxene pointed out. "And you can tell that Sylar really hates the guy."

"Who, Luke?" Xigbar raised an eyebrow.

"No, Matt Parkman." Larxene rolled her eyes.

"Well, he must not hate him too badly if Sylar kept him alive this long." Xigbar retaliated.

"Again, only so he could find his father." Larxene said.

"But I don't think he'll kill Luke." Xigbar tossed a stray bullet in the air.

"Okay, let's move away from Luke." Larxene said. "What about all the other people he's killed?"

"Like the SWAT team?" Xigbar questioned.

"Of course!" Larxene snapped. "No, I was talking about the little bunnies that Hiro brought back from fifteenth century Japan."

"He didn't need to kill them." Xigbar said.

"I hope you know I was kidding about the bunnies." Larxene said.

"Oh, I know." Xigbar nodded.

"The other guys were going to kill him anyway!" Larxene exclaimed.

"So it was self-defense?" Xigbar didn't look convinced.

"Well, if the guys got away, they'd probably tell that guy who works for Nathan where Sylar was." Larxene pointed out. "So Sylar kind of had to kill them."

"Are you two arguing about _Heroes_ again?" Lexaeus questioned as he made his entrance with a box of Cheese-Nips in hand.

"No, we're talking about the Spanish Inquisition." Larxene rolled her eyes.

"Gosh, really?!" Lexaeus looked genuinely surprised.

"No." Xigbar said, which caused Lexaeus to look depressed again.

"Well, I hear enough about _Heroes _from Axel, so don't talk about it any more, okay?"

"Fine." Larxene scowled before saying, "So did anyone happen to see that rabbit head I left lying around?"

* * *

As Xion wandered aimlessly about the corridors of the Castle That Never Was That Looks Like It Could Be A Storage Facility For Grenade Launchers, she had to wonder how long she'd be mentally stable. Certainly not long, since she'd already been through as much trauma in a single day that a normal person goes through in their entire life span.

It _was _hard to forget the image of seeing Marluxia and Vexen having sex in the Lab. Not a very good thing to see on the first day in the Organization. And it was rather unusual to hear Axel's comments on a DDR competition (one of many, mind you) that was held between Roxas and Demyx. Larxene had shown up holding a bloody turkey head, startling Xion completely. And don't forget Xigbar's terrible rendition of _I Want To Break Free_, which could be heard from the Target Range That Never Was. Saix had tried to strangle a computer because Lexaeus slipped crack in his tequila. And we can't forget the incident where Xaldin had accidentally put his pizza in the microwave for twenty minutes instead of twenty seconds and caused the entirety of the Kitchen to be enveloped in smoke.

What an interesting day _this_ was turning out to be.

Xion had to wonder if any in the Organization was still sane. Roxas was probably the sanest member there, and that was questioned when he was playing _Guitar Hero_. If you've played _Guitar Hero_, you know what I'm talking about.

She walked into her room, which now had some furniture, and logged onto her somewhat new laptop to print some pictures for the insanity-ward-coloured walls. She'd just started to Photoshop an image of a moon when loud music could be heard from down the hall. From what Roxas had told her, it could be either Axel, Xaldin or Lexaeus, even though it was rarely Lexaeus and more often Axel.

Leaving the room, Xion ventured out into the corridor and listened to where the sound was coming from. It sounded fairly close, which meant that it was Axel. Again.

Opening the door to Axel's room, Xion saw the redhead dancing away (when is he not?) to _Technologic_ by Daft Punk. Roxas had told her about his boyfriend's dancing, but this was the first that she'd actually witnessed it with her own eyes.

"Um, Axel?" Xion questioned.

Axel stopped and looked to the door to see who had interrupted his dancing. When he learned that it was Xion, he sighed and said, "What is it, Xion?"

"I can hear your music in my room." She said.

"Yeah, so?" Axel raised an eyebrow.

"So can you turn it down?" Xion asked.

"Not really." Axel said. "Everyone here's used to the loud music. You'll have to get used to it, too."

"But it doesn't have to be so loud it's deafening." Xion protested, looking Axel straight in the eye.

"That's the best kind. And it's kind of insulting to Disturbed if you play their music softly." Axel shrugged.

"But you weren't listening to Disturbed." Xion pointed out.

"It doesn't matter what it is, ok?" Axel rolled his eyes. "Music deserves to be played loudly."

"But we're not at a rock concert, so it doesn't have to be _that_ loud." Xion said.

"Who cares?" Axel exclaimed. "Like I said, loud music is the best kind."

"Whatever." Xion shrugged. "Just turn it down, okay?"

"Of course not!" Axel protested as Xion left the room and headed off to the Lounge That Never Was Part XXXI where she started to watch _Lie To Me_ until an interruption entered in the form of Marluxia.

"Whatcha watching, Xion?" Marluxia questioned.

"You're Marluxia, right?" she asked.

"Yep." Marluxia nodded, sinking into the squashy orange beanbag chair next to the TV for the GameCube.

"It's just _Lie To Me_." Xion replied.

"Don't let Luxord know." Marluxia said.

"Why not?" Xion frowned.

"He's obsessed with _Lie To Me_ like Xigbar is with his guns." Marluxia twisted a strand of his pink hair around his finger.

"Is that a bad thing?" Xion wasn't sure how to interpret the Graceful Assassin's statement.

"Um…yeah!" Marluxia exclaimed. "He watches it every freaking hour of the day!"

"That's not good." Xion immediately changed to an old episode of _Naruto Shippuden. _

"Exactly." Marluxia said. "Oh, and Demyx is obsessed with _Naruto_, so you may want to switch."

"Is there a show that no one is obsessed with?" Xion questioned.

"Well, there's always the Spanish soap operas." Marluxia said. "It's always fun to re-dub those."

"Sounds good to me." Xion said, changing to the Spanish channel.

Now, if you don't know what I'm talking about, then I'd have to say that you are missing out on some serious fun. Re-dubbing soap operas is about the most hilarious thing you can do because they could be saying one thing, but you'd be saying something completely ridiculous. For instance, a character could be saying something along the lines of, "I'm going to get milk at the store", but you'd have them say, "I can't believe you cheated on me with that slut!". It's very amusing, especially with Spanish soap operas. No offence intended to anyone who is of Hispanic origin.

In any case, Marluxia and Xion had created quite a story. They'd determined that the two main characters were named Nancy and George, who had another personality named Alois, who was in love with Karen, who happened to be Nancy's co-worker. Alois had been caught sleeping with Karen, who was going out with Bob, one of George's, but Karen didn't realize that Alois had taken over and became the dominant personality. To make matters worse, Nancy happened to be in love with Karen, but Karen didn't return her feelings, so Nancy turned into an agoraphobic (having nothing to do with the sweaters) and refused to leave the house.

Wow. This sounds kinda like the drama going on with some of my friends. Except none of them have DID, but one of my friends is having girlfriend troubles. Kinda sorta. I'm not sure what's going on with her right now.

Anyway, they'd just determined that Nancy, despite being agoraphobic, was going to slaughter Karen in her sleep when Saix walked into the room. When he heard them saying that George was trying to stop Nancy from butchering Karen, he became quite perturbed indeed.

"I see you aren't having trouble fitting in, Xion." Saix commented, his ochre eyes on the screen.

"Nope." Xion grinned. "This is kinda fun."

"You should do it with the Japanese dramas." Saix said. "Larxene does an amazing job at that."

"I still think the Turkish horrors are the best." Marluxia crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Don't be ridiculous, Marluxia." Saix rolled his eyes. "The Mongolian reality shows are obviously better."

"I'm partial to Egyptian porn, if you ask me." Axel said, strolling into the room quite suddenly.

"And no one did." Saix said. "You don't even know what we were talking about."

"Nope." Axel grinned, turning on the GameCube.

"Re-dubbing things." Xion said.

"Oh." Axel said. "Well, in that case, the Argentinean war movies are the best."

"Are you out of your mind?!" Marluxia exclaimed. "The Chinese thrillers are _so_ much better than that!"

"What about the French chick flicks?" Saix suggested. "I like those!"

Xion had long since turned on _FullMetal Alchemist_, having grown bored with the conversation. The first day in the Organization had left her relatively unscarred. Maybe she wouldn't loose her sanity after all.

**I'm thinking about adding my OC in here, but I'd like to know what my apparently few readers think. I think it may be a bit much to ask said readers if they have any suggestions for this story, since they apparently don't like this story anymore. anyway, reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: grammar nazi invasion!**


	36. Grammar Nazi Invasion

**Disclaimer: I really own nothing.**

**Hey yo! It's Xero! Yep! I've changed my name to Xero. ^_^ Anyway, this is a nice LONG chapter, so you guys have nothing to complain about. And some reviews in response? This chapter is for **Demoness Drakon** since she gave me the idea. On with the deadly tale!**

Xion had finally grown somewhat used to the antics of the Organization a few non-existent weeks later. True, she still freaked out whenever Larxene brought a dead animal home and sure, she was still paranoid about Xigbar's gunfire, but she was getting much better.

XIII, VIII and XIV were in the Kitchen That Never Was That Now Looks Like A Japanese Sushi Bar Once Again playing 007. Well, Roxas and Axel were playing. Xion, having never played the game before, was learning the rules and observing how a typical game was usually played. Roxas was winning by four stacks to one and was rushing quickly to finish the last two stacks. Axel was racing to finish the game before his boyfriend, but his efforts proved to be futile.

"Done!" Roxas proclaimed triumphantly.

"God dammit!" Axel yelled as fire erupted in the sink, for one reason or another.

Though Xion was quite surprised, Roxas remained calm and said, "It's just a game, Axel."

"But I _always _win at 007, Roxie." Axel said, though sparks flew from his fingertips.

"Can I try a round?" Xion offered, deciding that it was a good idea to have Axel calm down a bit.

"Good idea." Roxas nodded as he lumped the cards together and shuffled them.

"I'm going to make some ramen, then." Axel stood from the cold marble tile and trudged over to the stove.

"Get me a bag of chips, huh?" Roxas questioned.

"Get them yourself." Axel smiled.

"So what are we going to do after this?" Xion wondered.

"Well, we still have to go outside with Renji." Roxas said, dealing the cards out.

"We can take him to Halloween Town." Axel said from the stove. "We'd get our Heartless elimination mission over with."

"We have all week to do that." Roxas groaned.

"Better sooner than later." Axel said.

"Have you been hanging around Zexion too much?" Roxas raised an eyebrow.

"Why do you say that?" Xion frowned.

"Zexion is always quoting random proverbs and whatnot." Axel said as the smell of beef ramen enveloped the room. "He annoys the shit out of all of us."

"Not as much as Demyx, though." Xion said.

"Or Vexen." Axel shuddered.

"You and Vexen hate each other with a passion, don't you?" Xion questioned.

"You guessed it." Roxas nodded. "Ready, set…go."

The room fell silent for a moment while Roxas and Xion studied their cards. Xion made the first move by switching a six of diamonds for the queen of clubs. Roxas responded by trading the jack of hearts for the ace of diamonds.

Now if you've ever played 007, you will know that it is not this organized. It goes really quickly, as I learned during tech week for the school play. Because it is so fast paced, the cards in the middle of the pile tend to get shuffled around and out of order.

Axel watched the scene before him, eyes darting from pile to pile as he tried to figure out who was aiming for what suite in each deck. He knew that it was hopeless with Roxas; his boyfriend would start aiming for all sevens, but would change to all jacks before deciding on all twos. Axel could, however, figure out that Xion was aiming for all fours in her third pile and all kings in her sixth.

"Done!" Xion yelled.

"Are you serious?!" Roxas exclaimed while Axel started laughing.

"Check me." Xion grinned.

And when he looked, Roxas learned that Xion indeed had all the required cards in the right places.

"How do you win on your first hand?" Roxas demanded.

"Maybe she's good at the game." Axel said as he brought the ramen over to where the other two were sitting.

"Maybe…" Roxas looked suspiciously at Xion.

"What?" Xion raised an eyebrow.

But before Roxas could answer, a yell rang throughout the Castle That Never Was That Was Probably A Shack In A Former Life. It sounded like it could be either Vexen or Lexaeus, even though it was probably the former. Vexen yells more than anyone I know, which probably explains a lot.

"Who do you think it is?" Xion questioned.

"Doesn't sound like Marly." Axel said, twisting some ramen around his chopsticks.

"I'm betting its Larxene." Roxas said.

"Are you kidding?!" Axel looked quite astounded. "It's nowhere near paranoid enough for her."

"Good point." Roxas said. "So who do you think it is?"

"Let's just go find out." Xion said. "It's probably just Vexen over some experiment."

"That would be the most logical conclusion." Axel said, following the other two out of the Kitchen.

"You have another idea?" Roxas questioned.

"It's obvious, really." Axel said.

"Oh yeah?" Xion looked sceptical. "Then what is it?"

"Vampires have invaded the Castle." Axel grinned.

"Oh, come off it, Axel!" Roxas rolled his eyes. "Vampires never have invaded the Castle and they never will."

"But what if they did?" Axel challenged.

"They'd probably run away in terror as soon as Xaldin started singing." Xion said.

"Yeah, that's probably true." Axel shrugged, linking arms with the blonde.

"But if Vexen's created killer bunny slippers again, I'm going to riot." Roxas shuddered.

"Killer bunny slippers?" Xion raised an eyebrow as they walked down the steps to the tenth floor.

"It's a long story." Axel told her. "One that I don't feel like retelling."

"Basically, Xion, Vexen brought thirteen pairs of bunny slippers to life and they went on a rampage." Roxas said. "Axel and I had to go find them."

"Why am I not surprised…" Xion smiled.

"It was as annoying hell." Axel's eyes narrowed.

"Everything annoys you." Xion pointed out.

A dramatic decrease in temperature alerted the three Nobodies that they had reached the Basement Where Nothing Gathers. The first room on this marvellous floor was the Lab That Never Was That Is Often Used For Sex. Teeth chattering, Roxas opened the door and found Vexen on his hands and knees on the floor, clearly looking for something.

"What are you doing, Vexen?" Xion raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Oh, just looking for my experiment." Vexen said with biting nonchalance.

Axel and Roxas instantly froze. While it may seem nothing to Vexen that his experiment was missing, it usually meant a full day's worth of work for the Key of Destiny and the Flurry of Dancing Flames. The last time Vexen's experiment went loose, VIII and XIII spent over half the day looking for a Rubik's cube that had been brought to life. They eventually found the toy hiding in a dish of coleslaw in the fridge.

"What is it this time?" Axel sighed.

"I brought three rabbit plushies to life." Vexen said, carefully backing out from underneath the Lab Table.

"That doesn't sound so bad." Xion crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"With Vexen, it usually is." Roxas said.

Ignoring Roxas' comment, Vexen plunged onward. "But these rabbits can breathe fire."

"Sweet!" Axel grinned deviously.

"That's not a good thing, Axel." Xion rolled her eyes. "Do you have any idea where they might be?"

"If I knew where they were, I wouldn't be looking for them, now would I?" Vexen challenged.

"No, I suppose not." Xion said.

"Does Xemnas know about this?" Roxas questioned.

"I was just about to tell him." Vexen said. "I thought they were still in the room."

"Just don't put the Castle on full lock-down." Axel said, gradually making his way toward the door. "Demyx is on a mission in Twilight Town and you know how much noise he makes when he gets locked out."

"No kidding?" Vexen rolled his eyes. "Just spread the word, okay?"

"Got it." Roxas said, following after his boyfriend, who had bolted out of the room as soon as Vexen had finished speaking.

* * *

Footsteps could be heard from the direction of the Conservatory heading towards the Room Where Xigbar Stores His Gunpowder. I suppose you all know who I'm talking about just by mentioning the Conservatory That Never Was, but I suppose I should mention that it was Marluxia. If anyone can't figure that out, they might as well stop reading this story.

In any case, Marluxia was in hot pursuit of the Free Shooter, since II had shot a tray of Ageratums. There were bullet holes in the leaves of the fuzzy purple plants, so he didn't really need their eyewitness account of the whole ordeal. Yes, Marluxia had somehow managed to make the Ageratums talk. Don't ask me how he did, I'm still trying to figure out for myself.

He was about to reach the Epic Gunpowder Room when Marluxia heard voices coming from the direction of the Lounge That Never Was Part CCI. And there were more voices than usual and they just so happened to be voices that Marluxia didn't recognize. Finding this very peculiar, Marluxia decided to investigate.

Did he walk into a Nazi convention or what?

As soon as he traipsed into the room, Marluxia found dozens of people in full SS uniform. The TV was on, showing some reality show on MTV, and all of the people donning SS uniforms were yelling rather loudly at the TV about grammatical mistakes.

Zexion's Grammar Nazis were paying a visit. Of course…

Several weeks ago, the Cloaked Schemer had mentioned to Xemnas that his illustrious band of Grammar Nazis were visiting for an afternoon. Since Zexion had mentioned this during a meeting, all of two Nobodies heard this announcement: Xemnas and Zexion himself. Marluxia had found out about it when he read a flyer on the Notice Board That Never Before Existed in the Game Room That Never Was when he was playing air hockey with Xaldin. Xaldin had, for one reason or another, passed out cold on the white carpet, leaving Marluxia a good amount of time to gaze upon the room and marvel at what a wondrous job he'd made in it's renovation.

I'm getting far too detailed, aren't I? Moving on…

So Marluxia found himself in the room filled with rowdy SS, wondering how in the world people could become this insane. Well, Zexion had always been a bit loopy, but the Graceful Assassin had hoped that he might be the worst of his crazy Grammar Nazi friends.

"Marluxia!" Zexion yelled once his eyes found the pink-haired Neophyte. "Some woman just said ain't!"

"So?" Marluxia knew what was so bad about it, but he wanted to see what Zexion would do.

The result was instantaneous and downright outlandish. Zexion gasped, covering his hand with his mouth in outright horror. A nearby Nazi gave a small squeak in surprise and many actually fainted. One particular Grammar Nazi had been sitting on the back of the couch and fell off said couch and onto the cold tile floor below.

"Marluxia! Do you have any idea what you've _done_?!" Zexion was clearly horrified by the actions of the Graceful Assassin.

"Um…no." Marluxia said, to which another Grammar Nazi responded by shrieking so loudly that the non-living dead could hear it.

"That's low, Marluxia." Zexion shook his head slowly. "Really low."

"Whatever." Marluxia said. "Where's Xigbar? He shot my plants again."

"Good for him!" a female Nazi replied.

"He's swimming laps in the Pool with Luxord and Lexaeus." Zexion said. "Now get out before you cause even more damage."

"Fine, whatever." Marluxia rolled his eyes, ignoring the excited chatter of the paranoid Grammar Nazis as he left.

* * *

Axel moved as slowly as a crippled toad, his angled peridot eyes on the target in front of him. His chakram were at his side, ready to throw at any given moment. The rabbit plushie was glaring back at the Flurry of Dancing Flames, the beady black eyes slits.

Then it spit a _tiny_ fireball into Axel's eyes and made a mad dash for the fridge, where it cowered underneath the cooling agent for shelter.

Axel had jumped back when the fireball made contact with his face, which gave the plushie time to run for cover. He did see, however, where the rabbit had scampered off to. Even though he knew Saix, Marluxia, Larxene and undoubtedly Xemnas would be mad at him, Axel sent a giant flaming inferno into the fridge.

Can you tell I like explosions? *evil grin*

Tossing a bucket of water on the fiery device, Axel shoved his hand underneath the fridge and pulled the rabbit out of the flames. The rabbit, which Vexen had named Fuji, was looking quite horrified by the actions of the pyro.

"Well, it was _your _fault for running away." Axel held the bunny by the ears as he made his way to the Lab That Never Was.

The rabbit _was_ a cute little thing when Axel stopped to look at it. It had extremely short ears and was covered in dark brown fur. The obsidian eyes looked terrified, as if it had seen the Titans (having nothing to do with my school mascot) invade northern Latvia.

"Got one, I see."

Axel had just reached the ninth floor corridor when he heard Xion approaching from behind him. She, too, was holding a rabbit, though hers was, for one reason or another, a rather strange shade of periwinkle.

"What's with the rabbit, Xion?" Axel's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"You know full well, Axel." Xion rolled her eyes.

"No, I meant the colour." Axel said as they headed down the hallway and walked down the steps.

"I just saw a rabbit that wasn't supposed to be here." Xion shrugged as she petted the rabbit, which she was holding in her arms.

"I bet Roxas' is some weird shade of orange." The corners of Axel's lips turned up in a smile.

"Most likely. Or else it'd be bright magenta." Xion smiled as well before saying, "Speaking of which, what's with you and Roxas?"

"What do you mean?" Axel's smile vanished.

"I hardly see the two of you apart." Xion explained, scratching her rabbit behind the ears.

"Because he's my boyfriend." Axel said like it was the most obvious thing in the non-existent world, which it was.

Xion simply stared at him before saying, "Are you serious?"

"As serious as Lexaeus is insane." Axel grinned.

"Well, that would explain a lot of things." Xion said as she processed the new information.

"What, about Lexaeus being insane or Roxas being my boyfriend?" Axel questioned as they made their way onto the first floor.

"Roxas being your boyfriend." Xion answered. "I always wondered why you were so much more…flamboyant around him."

"Well, I'm flamboyant with pretty much anyone." Axel shrugged, still holding his rabbit by the ears. "I can be more flamboyant with Roxas and get away with it."

"That's because it annoys the hell out of everyone else." Xion told him.

"At least the guys don't think it's too criminal anymore." Axel rolled his eyes.

"Why would they think it's criminal?" Xion frowned, watching Axel's rabbit squirm.

"Because I look so much older than him." Axel smiled. "I felt like a paedophile for the first few weeks we were going out. It's not like Demyx and Zexion, though."

"What about Demyx and Zexion?" Xion sounded like she didn't want to hear what was coming.

"They're going out, too." Axel said.

"_What?!"_ Xion yelped like she'd seen Frodo and Gandalf having a threesome with Aragorn.

"Well, this was after Zexion dumped Lexaeus." Axel said with complete nonchalance.

"He did _what_ now?!" Xion looked quite horrified indeed.

"Do you just want me to tell you the relationship details of the Organization?" Axel stopped in the middle of the hallway.

"That would be nice." Xion said.

"Okay, so Lexaeus and Zexion were going out for…geez, I think a year. I dunno. But you know Lexaeus has the mental age of a three year old." Axel started.

"Basically." Xion said, brushing a strand of hair from her eyes.

"Well, Zexion didn't want to deal with it anymore, so he broke up with him." Axel continued. "That very day Zexion broke up with Lexaeus, he got with Demyx."

"Why?!" Xion looked shocked.

"Who knows?" Axel shrugged. "And then we had the whole thing with Marly and Vexen…"

"I think Larxene told me about this." Xion said. "The time where Vexen kept skipping out on their dates?"

"No, the time when Marluxia cheated on Vexen with Luxord." Axel said.

"Eww!" Xion stuck out her tongue in disgust. "That's horrible!"

"Apparently it was Marluxia's experiment . There was this time when I was in Castle Oblivion for three days, but everyone else thought I was missing. Roxas went absolutely insane, and I mean that quite literally because Zexion found him babbling like he had Schizophrenia." Axel said solemnly.

"That bad, huh?" Xion said.

"Tell me about it. Anyway, Vexen said something to Marluxia about how he valued his experiments more than his relationships or something like that." Axel said.

"Who? Vexen, I'm assuming?" Xion questioned.

"No, Xaldin." Axel rolled his eyes as he continued to walk down the corridor once again.

"So what happened?" Xion wondered, following after the pyro.

"Marluxia decided that he'd 'cheat' on Vexen to see how he'd react. Vexen broke up with him and they had this huge fallout before Marluxia told him the truth." Axel finally concluded.

"Sounds epic." Xion smiled.

"It was depressing, actually. I missed hearing the explosions from the Lab." Axel said with a trace of longing in his voice.

"Why am I not surprised?" Xion smiled.

* * *

As the day progressed, Zexion and his merry band of Grammar Nazis annoyed the living hell out of the Organization. They stalked the corridors, jumping out at random Nobodies when they made a grammatical mistake when conversing with another Nobody. Zexion happened to be the worst. He had flung a shoe at Vexen (he would have done it anyway since he hated IV so much) because the Chilly Academic had said something to the extent of "never seen nothing". He threw a staple gun at Luxord when X said, "I've got no more booze." He punched Saix in the stomach when the latter said, "Where's Xigbar at?"

It's killing me to write the horrendous grammar, so I'll stop right here. But you all get what I'm saying, right?

The last of the Grammar Nazis left at 10:34 that night much to everyone's relief. Zexion had changed out of his SS uniform back into his jet-black cloak and was heading to the Game Room That Never Was Part XXIX to play _Prince of Persia_ when he was jumped by some random Nobody and was thrown into a storage closet.

Well, you can't say you didn't see _that_ one coming.

"What's the big idea?!" Zexion yelled as he looked around for his assailant.

"You know, Zexion." A voice that could only belong to Luxord said in the darkness.

"Luxord?" Zexion questioned. "What the hell is wrong with you? Is this what happens when you aren't under the influence of narcotics?"

"No, Zexion, _this_ is what happens when you correct everyone's grammar every fucking minute of the day." Larxene's voice sounded next.

"This is ridiculous." Zexion said. "I did nothing wrong!"

"You almost beat Marluxia into a coma!" Luxord yelled.

"He wrote the wrong form of 'their' on the announcement board!" Zexion shouted. "He had it coming!"

"It was a simple mistake." Larxene said.

"Not for a Grammar Nazi." Zexion retorted.

"Not everyone is a Grammar Nazi, Zexion." Larxene's eyes narrowed.

"Thank God for that." Luxord said under his breath.

At that moment, the door to the storage closet opened and Saix could be seen holding a bowl of what appeared to be lo mein noodles.

"What's going on?" the Luna Diviner asked as he previewed the scene before him.

"We're torturing Zexion." Larxene said simply.

"Seriously? Let me help!" Saix grinned. "Payback for earlier."

And with that, Zexion's abuse/torture began, which wasn't really torture since he was only locked in a closet for a total of six hours. Just six hours. Nothing unusual about that.

**The ending is lame, I know. I'm still waiting to hear what people think of adding my OC into the story. Let me know! And I'm waiting for people to tell me what they want in this. I like to give my readers a say for what should be in a story they're reading. And I'm looking for one of my readers to (hopefully) draw a Grammar Nazi Zexion. I guess I can write a special oneshot for anyone who does it. reviews equal love!**

**Next chapter: chicken soup disaster**


	37. The Chicken Soup Incident

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* * *

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Disclaimer: You'd have to be some kind of idiot to think that I own KH after this long.

**Hey-yo! It's Xero! I'm sorry this has taken so long to write. I'm getting the feeling that few people are actually enjoying this series since the number of reviews I'm recieving has decreased drastically. If you like it, PLEASE review! otherwise I'll think no one likes this story and I'll end up ending it early. In other news, Demoness Drakon has been so kind as to draw me a Grammar Nazi Zexion! You can see her work on my profile. Danke schon! *huggles* Anyway, on with the deadly tale!**

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, Larxene was screaming at the top of her lungs. All was well. Well, not really.

For one, there is no sun and there are no birds in The World That Never Was. It sounds like the perfect place for me. I absolutely hate the sun and I would love to shoot the noisy birds outside my window with a shotgun.

But Larxene really was screaming at the top of her lungs. Then again, you all know what Larxene's like by now, so no one should really be surprised by this.

It was quite unnerving for Marluxia to wake up to Larxene's caterwauling. He could put up with Vexen's rants and Roxas' DDR competitions with that insane boyfriend of his, but he could not, would not tolerate Larxene.

Flinging off the covers, Marluxia jumped out of his bed and stomped down the hallway, up to the eighth floor to the Game Room That Never Was Part XXVII where he found Larxene screaming at the TV where a screenshot from _Halo_ was proclaiming that she had just died.

"This is all over a video game?" Marluxia could hardly believe that Larxene's anger could be caused from something as trivial as a video game.

"Just shut up, Marluxia!" Larxene snapped.

Marluxia summoned his scythe and sent about a million cherry blossom petals at the Savage Nymph, causing her to send a bolt of lightning at the Graceful Assassin. Once the flower petals had disintegrated, Marluxia lunged at the blonde, trying to slash her with his scythe, but Larxene wasn't about to let that happen. She summoned her throwing knives and threw one at Marluxia, forcing him to jump back and smash into the TV.

This cycle continued for a while with a number of objects being destroyed that included but were not limited to the PS3, X-Box, Lexaeus' printer and Luxord's fax machine. The fray was broken only when Saix stepped into the room and chucked a copy of _Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest_ at XI and XII, which resulted in the termination of the argument.

And there in the middle of the room was the TV, still showing the same screenshot that it had been proclaiming since the melee began.

"What the hell happened?" Saix demanded.

"Larxene was being noisy." Marluxia clearly felt that this was a simple enough explanation.

"Oh really?" Saix turned to the Savage Nymph.

"I just died, Saix!" Larxene snapped. "You can't say that you wouldn't be pissed, too."

"No, I don't think I would." Saix shook his head.

"That's because you have no emotion." Marluxia smiled slightly.

"I do so!" Saix was growing angrier by the minute.

"Well, technically none of us do since we're Nobodies." Larxene said.

"But I still have emotions!" Saix yelled.

"But you're always saying that Nobodies have no hearts." Marluxia pointed out, finally turning the TV and the PlayStation off.

"I was lying!" Saix snapped.

"Talk about hypocritical." Larxene said, a small smile on her face.

Well, that did it. Saix summoned his claymore and swung it at the Savage Nymph who, in turn, threw her knife at the Luna Diviner but missed and hit Marluxia instead. Summoning his scythe, Marluxia sent a tidal wave of cherry blossom petals at VII and XII, but the attack missed. So basically the melee returned, the only difference being that there were now three assailants as opposed to the original two.

Sometime after Larxene failed to cut Marluxia's head off for the sixteenth time, a circle of fire erupted around the bickering Nobodies. VII, XI and XII looked at each other in confusion. No one there could control fire. So that must mean…

Turning around, Larxene, Marluxia and Saix saw a _very_ annoyed Axel standing in the doorway, his normally angled eyes looking even more angled due to the fact that he was glaring so hard at the three Nobodies in the middle of the room.

"I am _trying_ to watching the season finale of_ Heroes_." Axel said through gritted teeth. "Sylar just killed Nathan and I won't be able to hear what's going on if you idiots are fighting!"

Yeah, can you guys tell I'm in a bit of a _Heroes _mood? It's like crack for me, I tell you. And now we have to wait until, like, September for new episodes. It sucks.

Getting back to the story, Axel left in a flurry of anger and paranoia, leaving the room as silent as German troops invading Russia during the winter.

You'd think Hitler would have learned from Napoleon's mistake. Apparently not. So as my Ancient Medieval History/ Sociology teacher always tells us, don't invade Russia in winter.

But that's kind of obvious, isn't it?

* * *

The Kitchen That Never Was often emitted strange and usually intoxicating smells. Prime examples of this would be when Xaldin decided to make curry cake (don't ask me why) and the epic contest between Xigbar and Saix. But for once it it's entire existence, the Kitchen smelled like something normal: chicken soup. And who was making it? Vexen.

Write this down, people! It's a rare day when the Chilly Academic leaves the Lab!

"Do my eyes deceive me?" Marluxia sounded surprised as he entered the Kitchen and saw his boyfriend at the stove. "Are you making soup, Vexen?"

"No, it's roast beef." Vexen rolled his eyes.

"So why have you decided to leave the cave?" Marluxia grinned at his clever name for the Lab.

"I was hungry." Vexen replied.

"Was or still are?" Marluxia wrapped his arms around Vexen's waist.

"You know perfectly well that I still am, Marluxia." Vexen glared at the pink-haired neophyte over his shoulder.

"Well, you know I love chicken soup." Marluxia said. "And it's a rare day when I actually get to eat some."

"Why don't you just make it yourself?" Vexen suggested, ladling soup out into two bowls.

"Because I'm the only one who actually eats it." Marluxia shrugged.

"Then don't make as much of it." Vexen pointed out. "Either that or lace it with cyanide and give it to Axel."

"You really hate him, don't you?" Marluxia smiled.

"No kidding?" Vexen rolled his eyes.

"Hey, what's that smell?" Marluxia and Vexen turned to see Lexaeus enter the room. "Soup! Sweet!"

And before IV and XI could stop him, Lexaeus had poured himself a bowl of the aqueous delicacy and started slurping away. This process occurred with just about everyone in the Organization save for Xigbar who was at the Timeless River on a mission.

Oh, the consequences of eating Vexen's soup are too good to ignore. But you'll have to for now because I have a _much_ better story ahead.

* * *

The seventh floor corridor was filled with Korean dance music, a type of music that was almost never played. One would think it was Axel, but the Flurry of Dancing Flames had left for a mission with Saix in Atlantica.

So who else could it be? Let's see, this particular Nobody is relatively unknown to us at the present time, but I'm sure we'll learn more about her in the very near future.

I bet you weren't thinking Xion, now were you?

Xion's room was now equipped with a stereo (that she had stolen from Axel) and was playing her music quite loudly. It wasn't as loud as Axel when he was listening to Rob Zombie, but it was pretty damn close.

The music, as I stated, was of the Korean persuasion and happened to be DBSK or TVXQ if you live in Japan. I still don't understand why they have a different name in Japan than they do in South Korea. In any case, Xion was dancing away to_ Darkness Eyes_ when Roxas happened to enter.

"Well, this is unusual." Roxas said with a smile.

"What is?" Xion wondered, using a remote to turn the volume down on the stereo.

"You're listening to DBSK." Roxas answered.

"No, I thought I was listening to Luna Sea." Xion rolled her eyes.

"I thought I was the only one who liked DBSK." Roxas shrugged. "Aside from Axel, anyway."

"Yeah, he listens to pretty much anything, doesn't he?" Xion questioned.

"Just about, yeah." Roxas nodded. "Still, DBSK is better in Japanese than Korean."

"That's absurd, Roxas." Xion rolled her eyes. "They're obviously better in Korean."

"Well, _Rising Sun_ was originally in Korean, right?" Roxas pointed out, taking a seat on the bed.

"Duh." Xion replied.

"If it was so well received in Korea, they obviously had to make it in Japan." Roxas said. "And they can't expect the Japanese to understand Korean."

"I listen to t.A.T.u. and I don't understand Russian." Xion challenged.

"You're just odd like that." Roxas smiled.

"But Korean is their native language." Xion pointed out. "They're obviously going to speak their native language better than they would any other language."

"They probably start learning languages at, like, four over in Asia." Roxas shrugged. "It'd be easy for them."

"But that doesn't explain why you think that Japanese is better." Xion retorted.

"I don't think the language is better." Roxas grinned. "DBSK just sings better in Japanese than they do Korean."

"Are you insane, Roxas?" Axel could be heard as he walked through the doorway.

"I thought you were in Atlantica?" Xion mused.

"Finished early." Axel grinned, wrapping his arms around his much smaller lover. "Roxie, DBSK is obviously better in Korean."

"That's what I said." Xion turned off the stereo, which was now playing _Wrong Number_, figuring that she'd never finish listening to the mixed CD.

"But Japanese sounds so much prettier." Roxas challenged. "Korean sounds too much like Chinese."

"You don't like Chinese, Roxas?" Axel raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not particularly fond of it." Roxas shrugged. "I just don't think Korean is a pretty language."

"That's what you said about German." Xion said, leaning back against the insanity-ward coloured walls.

"That's because it sounds like they're always saying 'I'm going to kill you'." Roxas retorted. "How can you think that German is a pretty language?"

"It's better than French." Xion stuck out her tongue in disgust.

"The argument is not which language is the prettiest." Axel intervened. "It's whether DBSK sounds better in Korean or Japanese. And Roxas obviously lost."

"Are you out of your flippin' mind?!" Roxas glared at his boyfriend over his shoulder. "Japanese is _so_ much better than Korean."

"I hate to break up the argument," Xion said as she looked out the window. "But Renji is currently out in the yard chasing Lexaeus around in circles."

"I'm not going to ask…" Axel shut his eyes and tried to block out the mental image.

"Let's go before Lexaeus ends up hurting himself." Roxas sighed, making his way out of the room.

* * *

The rest of the day went fairly smoothly. Xion, Roxas and Axel stopped Lexaeus from jumping off a cliff, Xaldin dyed his hair orange (it looks horrible, by the way) and Xemnas had finally fixed the security camera overlooking his office door. As if we needed more proof that he's a paranoid maniac.

All this ended, though, about an hour after the epic debate about DBSK. One by one, the Nobodies of Organization XIII started to get sick. Demyx, as always, started the disarray by throwing up on the TV in the Lounge That Never Was Part XII. Luxord started fainting in random hallways and Vexen complained that the Lab was too cold.

I never thought I'd see the day when that would happen.

The ailments gradually grew worse to the point where everyone ended up bed ridden. It was quite unnerving for Demyx to have to lie in bed when he'd rather play _Guitar Hero_, but he didn't really have a say in the matter.

The Nobodies that were healthier than the others were assigned the role of "nurse" so to speak. Saix, being one of the healthier Nobodies, had to run around and make sure that Zexion hadn't fainted on the stairs and/or prevent Larxene from coughing lightning. I don't know how he'd prevent that, but what do I know?

For once in it's entire history of existence, the Castle That Never Was But Somehow Is was still and silent. Imagine, if you will, a western desert with a patch of tumbleweeds making its way across the sand. You now have the right image of the Castle That Never Was. Kind of scary, isn't it?

The only one who hadn't been suddenly stricken ill was Xigbar, who was away on a mission. Lucky him. I'm sure he was glad to be well and healthy and not suffering from the ailments that afflicted the rest of the Organization.

* * *

A portal of sandy blackness erupted outside the Castle That Shouldn't Exist and a black-clad figure walked through the portal. Xigbar hadn't particularly enjoyed his mission at the Timeless River, but he couldn't really protest Xemnas' orders, now could he?

Xigbar was really dreading his return to the Castle. It was Tuesday, which meant that Axel would be talking about the latest episode of _Heroes_. The Free Shooter was positive that the redhead had an obsession with the bad guys in the show i.e. Sylar. Fortunately, the season finale had been the previous night, but that meant that Axel would be ranting about how he'd have to wait until Shiva knows when until season four started. Until then, he'd annoy the rest of the Organization by watching the episodes over and over and over and over again on one of the many plasma screens in the Castle.

Axel wasn't the only reason why Xigbar avoided his return. Luxord had just gone to Wonderland for his latest supply of meth, pot and heroin, which meant that Demyx was going to be as high as a kite when he got back. I needn't mention that a high Demyx is _not_ a good thing.

Then Xigbar remembered the last time he played hooky. Xemnas yelled so loudly that he woke Vexen up from a nap, which is a _very_ hard thing to do. This, in turn, caused Xigbar to go deaf for a few hours, so the Free Shooter decided that he'd venture into the dreaded Castle That Never Was and get the worst over with.

Had everyone faded while he was gone or what?

There were no signs of life at all. And I mean anywhere. Zexion's books weren't lying around, Demyx's water clones weren't stalking the corridors and Roxas hadn't left his skateboard out for someone to trip over. Xigbar saw no trace of Xion's telescope nor did he find Marluxia's bag of potting soil or Xaldin's hair curler. Was anyone living in the Castle at all?

Then he heard the unmistakable sound of Vexen coughing, which told Xigbar that yes, the Castle was still inhabited by the motley crew that is the Organization.

After talking with Xion, one of the healthier Nobodies, Xigbar learned that many in the Organization simply got sick for one reason or another. Many fell ill because of Vexen's chicken soup, but Xigbar had more things to worry about. He was the only truly healthy Nobody and caring for thirteen Nobodies was going to be difficult.

**I started writing this before the whole swine flu whatnot started. Anyway, if anyone has a suggestion for something they want in this story, let me know. I'll work with just about anything and everything. reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: LotR vs. Harry Potter. Prepare for an epic battle!**


	38. Epic Battle of Epicness

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Anything, I tell you!**

**Konnichiwa! It's Xero! Sorry this has taken a while to get out. I had AP tests last week (still have one tomorrow) and I was really busy. But I hope this makes up for it! For anyone who reads/ watches HP or LotR, there could be some spoilers. Just so you know. ^_^ on with the deadly tale!**

As you recall from the previous chapter, the Organization was suddenly stricken ill by a mysterious disease that was probably a simple stomach bug. Well, all but Xigbar, anyway. And Xigbar was not happy to have to care for everyone else in the Organization when he had other things to do.

After everyone had recovered, Xemnas had forbidden Vexen from making chicken soup again, which greatly upset the Graceful Assassin. Marluxia loved Vexen's chicken soup and if it was banned, that meant that he could no longer eat it.

Um…duh?

So Roxas sat alone in the Lounge That Never Was Part XXXII watching _Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers_. He was at the part where Aragorn and Legolas were helping guard that castle. I can't remember what it was called now…. it's the castle where the Orcs invaded. Ringing any bells? No? Well, you're SOL, my friend, because I've only seen it once and I have the memory of a fruit fly.

In any case, Roxas was having a high and mighty time watching his movie. It would be even more enjoyable without the intrusion of his boyfriend.

Axel seems to interrupt a lot of things, doesn't he?

The Flurry of Dancing Flames swaggered into the room, with his headphones in his ears. The volume was up so loud that Roxas could tell what he was listening to: _Amaranth_ by Nightwish.

"That's loud enough, Axel." Roxas yanked the headphones out of Axel's ears when the latter sat down next to the blonde.

"No, it wasn't." Axel scowled.

"I could hear every word of your song." Roxas turned his attention back to the movie.

"Whatever. Oh, _Lord of the Rings_! Sweet!" Axel was being rather random today so the random subject change was no nig deal.

"No, I thought I was watching _Sex in the City_?" Roxas rolled his eyes.

"You need to stop being so sarcastic, Roxas." Axel wrapped his arm around the blonde's waist.

"Hark who's talking." Roxas smiled.

"Hey now, no need to shoot it back at me." Axel smiled, too.

"Just shut up and watch the movie, huh?" Roxas suggested.

"What's all the noise in here?" Lexaeus demanded as he stomped in carrying what appeared to be a crate of dynamite.

"Lexaeus, you _know_ you aren't supposed to steal Vexen's dynamite." Roxas said with biting nonchalance.

"But I like it when things go boom." Lexaeus put on his best puppy face.

"But you run and hide under a table as soon as they go off." Axel still had his eyes on the screen.

"Because it's loud!" Lexaeus snapped.

"Just go return them before Vexen goes on a rampage." Roxas ordered.

"Fine…" Lexaeus looked quite depressed indeed.

"No need to kill the guy, Roxas." Axel smiled.

"Oh, what do you know?" Roxas rested his head on Axel's shoulder.

"What's going on?" Xigbar asked the other two as he meandered into the room.

"Just watching LotR." Roxas, much like me, did not feel like saying the entire movie title, so he used the popular acronym.

"Sweet!" Xigbar sat down on the hideous beige recliner. "But _Harry Potter_ is much better."

Roxas and Axel stared at Xigbar like they'd seen Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp having a threesome with Michael Cera. Was he out of his flippin' mind?!

And who voiced this question? Do you _really_ have to ask?

"Are you out of your fucking mind, Xigbar?" Axel rephrased my earlier statement in a not-so-blunt fashion. "LotR is _much_ better than _Harry Potter_."

"It depends on who you talk to." Xigbar shrugged, watching as Legolas was yelling in Elfish to someone.

I tell you, I absolutely love elfin names. They're so pretty!

"Who here likes _Harry Potter_ more than _Lord of the Rings_?" Roxas challenged the Free Shooter.

"I think Larxene." Xigbar said.

"No, because she said that Aragorn was drop dead sexy." Axel corrected him.

"Oh, then it was probably Marluxia." Xigbar said.

"Marly's not of sound mind." Roxas retorted, brushing a strand of hair from his eyes.

"You're thinking of Lexaeus, honey." Axel said.

"And Marluxia, too!" Roxas exclaimed.

"Well, Xigbar, why do _you_ think LotR is worse than _Harry Potter_?" Axel demanded, facing the Free Shooter, who had started to flick bullets in the air.

"Because _Harry Potter_ is more interesting." Xigbar said. "And those Weasley twins are banging hot."

"Yes, Fred and George are hot, but that doesn't make HP superior to LotR." Roxas said.

Can you tell I'm getting tired of using italics? It's pissing me off, I tell you. So I'll probably be using HP and LotR for a while and I hope everyone knows what I mean.

"Plus LotR is more action packed." Axel said.

"But LotR has a main character who can't do jack shit." Xigbar shot back.

"True, Frodo _is_ a weakling who can't defend himself, but then you have Aragorn and Legolas and whatshisname…" Roxas couldn't think of the name.

"Gandalf?" Axel raised an eyebrow.

"Yes!" Roxas grinned triumphantly.

"Gandalf takes the role of Dumbledore, Aragorn is just like Sirius and Legolas can be James." Xigbar said, giving each LotR character the Hp equivalent.

"But Lily didn't shack up with Sirius." Axel responded. "If Arwen takes the role of Lily, then she'd be left with Sirius since, according to Xigbar's 'theory' Aragorn played the role of Sirius. "

"He has a point." Roxas said.

"And Merry and Pippin take on Fred and George." Axel grinned.

"Plus LotR is more action packed than HP." Roxas said, the movie all but forgotten.

"_Harry Potter_ has action, too." Xigbar challenged. "What about the Battle of Hogwarts and the Triwizard Tournament?"

"The Triwizard Tournament was a waste of a book." Axel rolled his eyes. "I still think the fifth book was the best."

"But Harry was wallowing in his misery for the whole thing!" Roxas exclaimed.

"It's better than Frodo." Axel shrugged.

"Whose side are you on, anyway?" Roxas demanded.

"Yours, of course." Axel said, pulling the blonde closer. "I just happened to have an opinion about that particular topic."

"Well, HP is too confusing." Roxas said, turning to Xigbar. "_Harry Potter_ has all the Horcruxes and the spells and whatnot."

"LotR is just as confusing! I can't keep Saruman and Sauron straight and all the elfin relations are so hard to understand." Xigbar shrugged.

"Smèagol!" Axel yelled quite randomly.

"What about him?" Xigbar asked.

"Smèagol could be Dobby!" Axel proclaimed.

"That conversation is over, Axel." Roxas grinned.

"Well, I thought I'd mention it." Axel snapped.

"Anyway…" Xigbar said.

"Like HP is any easier to understand." Roxas continued as if Axel's outburst had never happened. "I get confused with the spells and who teaches what."

"Well, you can't really forget that Snape is the Potion's teacher…" Xigbar said.

"But who really gives a damn about Professor Binns walking through chalkboards?" Axel pointed out. "I don't."

"Maybe someone does." Xigbar challenged.

At that moment, the speakers came on and Xemnas' voice could be heard all over the Castle. As if the Nobodies wanted to hear him anyway.

"_Attention! There will be a meeting in seven minutes, fifty-two seconds and nineteen milliseconds in counting. This is urgent!_"

"Is there ever a time when meetings _aren't_ urgent?" Axel wondered, his arm still around Roxas as the three Nobodies made their way out of the room.

"Who knows?" Xigbar shrugged.

* * *

If one hadn't attended any of the meetings in the Organization and walked in on one in session, they'd most likely think that they'd walked into a morgue with the mortician speaking to the dead. Kinda like Ducky on _NCIS_. It was that bad.

But I'm hoping I don't need to describe what the Nobodies actually did at the meetings, so I'll just skip over that.

The meeting today happened to be a trivial one. Xemnas was complaining about the missions that were being carried out. Even with Xion's entrance, the number of missions being completed was still slim to none.

"I just got back from that one in Destiny Islands!" Saix protested. "How do you think Xion got here?"

"I'm referring to the more _lazy_ Nobodies." Xemnas glared at Axel, who was currently sleeping in his atrociously high chair, performing a great chainsaw impersonation.

As if on cue, Xion threw a random pen at the Flurry of Dancing Flames, hoping that he'd wake up and stop sending random fire into the middle of the room. The green gel pen hit Axel square on his forehead and the pyro awoke with a start.

"What'd I miss?" he asked groggily.

"Just stay awake, huh?" Saix rolled his eyes.

"Well, Xion, Zexion, Demyx and Marluxia will go to Hollow Bastion and destroy a healing facility there." Xemnas said, his voice the usual monotone.

"On it." Xion didn't sound cheerful in the least.

"Larxene will go to the Land of Dragons to spy on the emperor." Xemnas went on.

"Yippee." Larxene looked about as thrilled as Xion.

"Roxas and Luxord will go to the Space Paranoids and check on the MCP." Xemnas said.

"Whatever." Roxas shrugged.

"And Axel will go to Halloween Town to kill Santa." Xemnas said.

"Yeah, yeah." Axel didn't seem concerned.

"Does anyone else have a topic they'd like to bring up?" Xemnas asked.

"I do, actually." Xigbar raised his hand.

"Oh, fuck no, Xigbar." Axel glared at II.

"Axel and Roxas seem to believe that _Lord of the Rings_ is better than _Harry Potter_." Xigbar said.

"Aragorn's in LotR." Larxene shrugged. "Simple enough."

"But then you have the Weasley twins in HP." Vexen pointed out.

"Vexen, you hate HP _and_ LotR." Marluxia told his boyfriend.

"That doesn't mean I can't voice my opinion." Vexen said.

"Zexion!" Xemnas bellowed at the Cloaked Schemer, who was currently reading _Boy Meets Boy_.

"Yes, Superior?" Zexion looked up from his book.

"Stop reading." Xemnas said.

"But Noah just broke up with Paul!" Zexion exclaimed.

"I don't care!" Xemnas roared. "This is a serious discussion!"

"It's a pointless discussion, if you ask me." Xaldin said.

"And no one did." Xion twirled a strand of hair around her finger.

"LotR is obviously better." Axel said. "I mean, does _Harry Potter_ have hot elves fighting? And Dobby doesn't count." He said to Demyx, who'd clearly been about to mention Dobby and the other house elves.

"But HP is more complex." Marluxia replied.

"Complex, my ass." Larxene twirled her knife between her fingers.

"LotR has so much more than HP does." Xion said.

"Like what?" Xemnas wondered.

I don't know why Xemnas is in the discussion, but let's just forget about that, huh?

"LotR has hot guys with swords." Larxene grinned, clearly thinking of Aragorn. She clearly has an obsession, doesn't she?

"And bows and arrows." Xion replied. "Don't forget the elves."

"Yeah, the elves are the hottest ones." Axel said.

"I wouldn't say that with your boyfriend in the room." Saix advised.

"Oh, he likes them, too." Axel said.

"Really, Roxas?" Demyx obviously found this new bit of information astounding.

"Hey, Legolas is pretty sexy." Roxas shrugged.

"And the tree-people!" Lexaeus chimed in.

"But HP has magic and witchcraft." Xigbar challenged. "And don't forget the Death Eaters."

"Okay, the Death Eaters are pretty awesome, but LotR still wins without competition." Axel said.

"And the Orcs are better than the Death Eaters." Xemnas said.

"You really think so, Superior?" Zexion frowned.

"Clearly." Xemnas said.

"I still think the elves are the best." Xion shrugged, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Has everyone forgotten about the Hobbits?!" Demyx screamed so loudly that Marie Antoinette could have been awoken from the dead.

"What about them?" Everyone was ignoring Vexen, who was reading the Periodic table once again.

"No one remembers how awesome the Hobbits are!" Demyx yelled.

"Except for Frodo." Saix muttered under his breath.

"My sentiments exactly, Saix." Roxas nodded.

"The Hobbits are like that group that Harry formed in book five." Zexion said. "Dumbledore's Army or something like that."

"Oh, yeah." Xion frowned.

"Um, no!" Demyx hollered.

"Why not?" Marluxia demanded.

"The Hobbits could defend themselves." Demyx explained. "The DA couldn't."

"Yes, they could." Xigbar retorted. "They did amazingly well during the Battle of Hogwarts."

"You want to know why HP sucks so badly?" Axel asked the group at large.

"Sure." Larxene shrugged.

"Because Fred died!" Axel yelled.

"Oh, come off it!" Xemnas rolled his eyes.

"Seriously! You can't have George without Fred! You kill one and you pretty much have to kill the other!" Axel challenged. "It's not right to have George when Fred's dead!"

"Is that the _only_ reason why you hate HP?" Xion raised her eyebrow.

"Hey, Fred was smokin'." Axel shrugged.

"That's what I thought." Xion leaned back in her seat.

"Roxas, it seems like you're going to have to have a little talk with your boyfriend later." Xemnas was well aware of the relationships in the Castle.

"I think I will, Superior." Roxas said.

"But we're getting absolutely nowhere in this debate!" Xigbar roared over the noise.

"Does it really matter, Xigbar?" Zexion wondered, reading his book once again.

"Apparently it does, Zexy." Demyx said.

"Stop calling me that, Demyx." Zexion glared at his boyfriend.

So the meeting went on for several hours, including a debate about if Harry should have ended up with Cho Chang or Ginny and if Snape was as evil as he appeared to be, even though it was proven that Snape only worked for Voldemort to protect Harry. I still don't understand that. It was eventually broken up when Vexen realized that it was time to eat and reminded Larxene that it was her turn to cook dinner. I'm sure everyone was looking forward to that.

**Is it obvious that I'm obsessed with HP and LotR? My friend is an uber LotR fan and loathes HP. And Xigbar does have a point: the twins are hot. And elves are pretty amazing. ^_^ But I guess everyone already knew that. anyway, let me know if you have any ideas for this story and I'll do my best to get it in. If anyone has some fanart, just send it to me and I'll post it on my profile. reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: Demyx, you're SURE you didn't let the chipmunks into the Castle?**


	39. Wild Chipmunks

**Disclaimer: If you can't figure it out by now, I'm going to wonder what's wrong with you. **

**Hallo! It's Xero! Sorry this took so long to update. I hope it's good! on with the deadly tale!**

Several weeks after the LotR vs. HP debate, the Castle That Never Was But Somehow Is was silent. As silent as church mice, even though mice are never quiet. And it was as still as a desert, minus the random tumbleweeds that swept across the sand. It was peaceful, serene, relaxing…

That is until Lexaeus ran into the seventh floor corridor, screaming his lungs out.

What a way to break the silence, huh?

The Silent Hero bolted out of his room and shrieked so loudly that pretty much all of the Nazis could be brought back from the dead. Just what we need. His arms were flailing about and he was running so fast that he occasionally tripped over his feet. It was a very comical sight indeed.

Racing up to the ninth floor, Lexaeus dashed into the Room That Holds No Purpose and found Saix playing a game of solitaire on the cold tile floor.

"Saix!" Lexaeus screamed so loudly that the windows on the second floor shattered.

Saix jumped when he heard his name being called (though screeched is probably a better word), so high that he almost hit the ceiling. But when he realized it was just Lexaeus, he calmed down a bit, since Lexaeus was always a tad abnormal.

"What is it, Lexaeus?" Saix wondered, though he really didn't care in the slightest.

"There's a body in my room!" Lexaeus bellowed.

"A body?" Saix frowned. "Where?"

"On my floor!" Lexaeus grabbed the Luna Diviner by the wrist and dragged him down to the seventh floor corridor and into his room.

Saix looked everywhere that was immediately visible. There was no body on the bed, in the chair, or on top of the desk, nor was there a body hanging from the ceiling. Then he saw it. On the carpet by the mahogany desk rested a bone. A single bone.

Clearly, Lexaeus was exaggerating.

"Lexaeus, this is a _bone_." Saix emphasized the word like he was speaking to a toddler.

"I know!" Lexaeus exclaimed.

"You said there was a _body_." Saix picked up the bone and examined it closely.

"But where there's a bone, there's probably a body to go with it." Lexaeus informed the blue-haired Nobody.

"Lexaeus, this is Renji's bone!" Saix exclaimed. "It has bite marks all over it."

"Really?" Lexaeus stared at the bone, as if it would somehow produce an answer to his problem, though what that is I don't know.

"Yes, it is." Saix rolled his eyes at Lexaeus' insanity.

"I don't believe you!" Lexaeus yelled.

"Why not?" Saix knitted his eyebrows together.

"There _is_ a body somewhere!" Lexaeus yelled. "You're just not telling me!"

And with that, the Silent Hero darted out of his room, most likely to examine every room in the entire Castle. Saix shook his head in annoyance and made his way up to the Kitchen. He still had to try a piece of Xaldin's cranberry coffee cake.

* * *

Since the All Powerful Xemnas (do note that that term is _extremely _sarcastic) decided that there weren't enough computers in the Castle, he had Lexaeus construct a Computer Lab That Never Existed Before, never mind the fact that there were over a thousand computers in the Storage Closet That Should Not Be. Well, Xigbar often used them for target practice and Saix honed his hacking skills with them, so there were a few computers still left in working condition. If you recall from some unknown chapter, Lexaeus couldn't tell the difference between a power drill and a crow bar.

Xemnas must've been desperate if he asked _Lexaeus_ to build something.

The point I'm trying to make is that Xaldin was in the Computer Lab That Shouldn't Exist trying to conduct research on poison ivy. The Whirlwind Lancer had just turned on the computer and was immediately overwhelmed by the plethora of options before him. He could watch movies, download music, play _World of Warcraft_ (Roxas had demanded that WoW was installed) and edit pictures with Photoshop. But he couldn't find anything that would help him research poison ivy.

What was a guy to do?

"_Xion_!" Xaldin yelled so loudly that he caused about ninety earthquakes in Iceland.

The portal of sandy blackness formed in the middle of the floor and Xion could be seen walking into the room, a box of CDs in her arms.

"What's with all the CDs?" Xaldin frowned.

"Yard sale." Xion shrugged as she set the box down. "They had _Insomniac _for twenty cents."

"What's that?" Xaldin wondered.

"An album from Green Day." Xion said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "So what do you want, anyway?"

"I've never used a computer before." Xaldin said.

"Sure, you have." Xion said.

"No, I haven't." Xaldin said firmly.

"Then how did you find that stuff on the Dancer Nobodies for Xemnas?" Xion had, like everyone else, started calling the Superior by his name.

"I had Marluxia look it up for me." Xaldin said.

"Well, what are you trying to do?" Xion hoped she'd be done quickly.

"Research poison ivy." Xaldin said with complete nonchalance.

"Why?!" Xion demanded.

"I think there might be some out by the mailbox." Xaldin said.

"We have a mailbox?" Xion was clearly surprised by this.

"Uh-huh." Xaldin nodded. "Just help me, okay? What do I do?"

"Open a page on the internet." Xion said.

"What's the internet?" Xaldin was dreadfully serious.

Now I don't know about you all, but I would _die_ if I had no Internet. I communicate with all my friends through the Internet and I wouldn't be able to read fanfictions! And how would I watch videos on the horrible site that is YouTube?

"I don't know how to explain it, Xaldin, but it's the best shit you'll ever see." Xion was already picking up some habits from hanging around Axel so much.

"And how do I get there?" Xaldin wondered.

"Click on this thing here." Xion moved the cursor over to the proper icon.

"Oh." Xaldin said. "And then what?"

"No matter what _anyone_ says, do not use Google." Xion said. "Well, unless Xemnas makes you."

"What's wrong with Google?" Xaldin frowned.

"It is the worst search engine in existence." Xion explained. "And it gives the computer a shitload of viruses."

"So what do I use, then?" Xaldin was clearly confused.

"I use Yahoo or AOL." Xion shrugged. "They seem to work for me."

At that moment, a sound that appeared to be a million woodland creatures running filled the Castle accompanied by squeaks and scratching sounds. Xaldin and Xion looked at each other in a confused manner, both clearly wondering what could have caused the noise.

Then, from seemingly nowhere, Xemnas' voice appeared over the intercom.

"_Do I _really_ need to say it at this point? Just get up there right now."_

Wow, Xemnas didn't actually say there was a meeting. I guess he figured that everyone would know about it by now.

"But what about my research!?" Xaldin wailed.

"We'll finish it later. Well, I have a mission in the Deep Jungle in a few hours…" Xion said. "Have Roxas help you. He's really good with this kind of thing."

"Okay." Xaldin nodded as he followed Xion out of the room.

What they saw could be considered a tragedy, ranking right up there with the Bubonic Plague and the execution of Franz Ferdinand. Then again, no one really minded that he was dead. Ah well.

The entire corridor was filled with chipmunks. Millions beyond millions of chipmunks, all of them squeaking so loudly they could be heard thousands of miles away.

"I think I know why Xemnas called the meeting." Xion said, staring at the sight before her in disbelief.

"No kidding?" Xaldin said, just as surprised as Xion.

* * *

It was almost as bad as the time when Vexen created a mini-zoo in the Castle. Chipmunks were running rampant throughout the Castle That Never Was That Is Apparently A Forest and no one knew how they got there. The members of Organization XIII knew it was bad when Luxord opened the door to the Room Where Nothing Gathers and found millions of chipmunks scampering towards him. He was instantly knocked over and remained unconscious for several minutes. How this is different from when he drinks seventy kegs of Miller Lite is beyond me.

After the room was cleared from all inhabitants, the Nobodies filed into the room in the usual bored manner. No one wanted to be in the meeting, obviously. Marluxia wanted to crossbreed his dragon-flowers and tulips and Roxas needed to play fetch with Renji, though I can imagine that Renji was probably chasing some of the chipmunks.

Did I just change tense? That seems to happen a lot, doesn't it? Ah well. Whatever.

"What now, Superior?" Xigbar asked in a bored fashion.

"Do you even have to ask, Xigbar?" Xemnas questioned.

"Apparently he does." Xion grinned.

"Who is the cause of the wild chipmunk infestation?" Xemnas demanded, looking out to the masses.

"Vexen?" Nearly everyone looked at the Chilly Academic.

"I was happily fusing uranium with arsenic when a chipmunk smashed my flask of stomach acid." Vexen wasn't happy to say the least.

"So that means…" Axel tried to get an answer from the deranged scientist.

"I didn't do it!" Vexen shrieked so loudly that Ray Toro instantly became deaf.

"So who did?" Larxene demanded. "I want to get back to the baseball game!"

"Larxene, you were watching _Lord of the Rings_, remember?" Saix told the Savage Nymph.

"Oh, yeah." Larxene frowned.

"You forget seeing Aragorn?" Axel was surprised.

"Shut up." Larxene threw a dagger at the Flurry of Dancing Flames, but missed and nearly hit Demyx instead.

"That's not the problem here." Xemnas said, trying to reign the group back in.

"Then what is, Superior?" Xaldin questioned.

"How these fucking chipmunks got here." Axel replied.

"Exactly." Xemnas nodded.

"Um…I think I might be behind this." Demyx said rather meekly.

"You _think_?" Zexion raised an eyebrow, looking up from his copy of _Grand Theft Auto And You_.

"I was playing _Harvest Moon_ and a chipmunk appeared on my head." Demyx said, fearing that Axel would send blazing chakram toward him. "And they just kept coming!"

"Wait…Demyx, where did you find this game?" Vexen asked the Melodious Nocturne.

"In the Kitchen." Demyx said.

"That was a bootlegged version that Luxord made as a prank." Vexen informed Demyx.

"Oh." Demyx said.

"Luxord, you idiot." Roxas and Xion said together.

"What? It was originally intended for Larxene." Luxord said.

"Thank you _so _much, Luxord." Larxene's words dripped with sarcasm.

"Okay, we need to get this sorted out." Xemnas turned to the Gambler of Fate. "Luxord, is there a way to get rid of them?"

"Nope." Luxord shook his head.

"I'm going to _kill_ you." Axel said through gritted teeth, the peridot eyes slits.

"We just have to get rid of them like the animals that Vexen created." Saix said, sensing what Luxord was about to say.

"Axel, I trust that Renji has been trained?" Xemnas glanced at the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Of course, Superior." Axel nodded.

"Okay, everyone." Xemnas said, looking out to the rest of the Organization. "You know what to do."

**I know it's short, but I'm planning on the next one being much longer. ^_^ I wrote a story with Organization XIII and the seven deadly sins! i probably won't be able to update it until tomorrow, since dad wants the computer, but it'll be up soon! reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: how to get the chipmunks out...**


	40. Rabid Rodents Running Rampant

**Disclaiemer: I only own the millions of chipmunks. **

**Hey yo! It's Xero! I'm so sorry this is out so late. I was just about to update it when my computer crashed. My new computer didn't have Word until this afternoon, so this is really the first time I've been able to update. Anyway, I hope it's good! on with the deadly tale!**

This chapter is reminding me of the time when Vexen created a mini-zoo in the Castle That Should Not Be. Wasn't that a great chapter? Yes, it was, if I do say so myself.

So since said Castle was plagued with an infestation of chipmunks, the fourteen Nobodies of Organization XIII scurried around trying to get rid of the furry animals. Lucky, though, they had Renji to help them.

Xion, Roxas and Axel went off with the German Shepard to the tenth floor corridor, where they found themselves face to face with literally thousands of chipmunks. The group, as one, deadpanned. How were they going to get rid of all of these chipmunks?!

Renji was the first one to take action by jumping into the sea of rodents and started ripping their heads off.

Good, clean, American fun, no?

"Looks like Renji's having fun." Xion laughed.

"No kidding?" Axel rolled his eyes.

He turned the floor into lava, which resulted in the chipmunks hopping from foot to foot, creating the illusion that they were dancing.

"They look cute, Axel." Roxas said.

"But we have to kill them." Axel said.

"Can't we take them to Wonderland?" Roxas asked.

"Um, no." Xion and Axel said together.

"Why not?!" Roxas demanded. "Rukia would have an awesome time with them!"

"Rukia?" Xion frowned.

"Roxas had a cat named Rukia and Xemnas banished her to Wonderland." Axel explained.

"_You_ banished her to Wonderland!" Roxas yelped.

"If you remember right, I suggested that she was taken to Wonderland." Axel clarified for his boyfriend. "Xemnas just happened to agree with the idea."

"This sucks so badly." Xion complained, throwing her Keyblade towards the mass of chipmunks. "I could be listening to Subway to Sally right now."

"Yeah, because we could always use some German medieval metal in our lives." Roxas rolled his eyes, slicing a chipmunk in half.

"Hey, they sound awesome, Roxas." Axel said, setting a group of chipmunks on fire.

"Can't we be more gentle with them?" Roxas wondered, leaning against Oathkeeper.

"Roxas, in case you haven't noticed, they're _chipmunks_." Xion said.

"But they're so cute!" Roxas whined. "And innocent."

"Roxas, these things are anything but innocent." Axel said as he watched Renji slaughter chipmunks right and left.

"How so?" Roxas demanded.

"Remember when Vexen created the mini-zoo and a bunch of chipmunks tried to cart off my chakram?" Axel told the Key of Destiny.

"You had them lying around!" Roxas exclaimed.

"Just forget about it, Roxas." Xion intervened. "You've already lost the battle."

* * *

It was somewhat peaceful in the Room That Holds No Purpose, nice and serene.

That is until one of Xaldin's lances ran right through a chipmunk, pinning its dead body up against the wall.

Just what we all want to see, huh?

Satisfied with his work, Xaldin left the Room That Holds No Purpose and headed for the Library That Should Not Be. He figured that Zexion would probably be working on eradicating the annoying rodents, but the Cloaked Schemer might need a bit of help.

When he entered the gargantuan Library, the Whirlwind Lancer found Zexion lounging around in a squashy purple recliner, reading a copy of _Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List_.

"Zexion, what are you doing?" Xaldin asked, wondering how the Cloaked Schemer would get himself out of this one.

"Reading about Ely and Bruce the Second in the smell museum." Zexion said.

"No, I don't think that's it." Xaldin shook his head.

"I'm going on a global tour with the Foo Fighters?" Zexion frowned.

"Guess again…" Three strikes and you're out, Zexy.

"I'm sword-fighting with Taoist monks?" And that's out…

"You're slacking off work, Zexion." Xaldin glared at VI.

"I already killed a thousand chipmunks, Xaldin." Zexion glared at the Whirlwind Lancer. "I think that gives me the right to take a break."

"I've killed over two thousand and still going strong, buddy." Xaldin's voice showed obvious resentment.

At that moment, though, a series of yells could be heard outside the Library.

"What do you mean, that won't work? How can it not?"

"Well for one thing, once you shoot the catapult, where will the turtle shells go?"

"At the chipmunks! Where the fuck else?"

"Well, the way you have it set now, they'll go flying straight down to Vexen's Lab."

"Vexen's Lab is six floors below us! How could the turtle shells land there?"

"They're either going to the Lab or they're going to run into the propane tank."

Zexion and Xaldin stared at each other in confusion for a few seconds while the argument continued outside the Library doors. What in the name of Odin was going on outside?

Opening the doors, Zexion and Xaldin found a very strange sight before them. A giant catapult rested in the middle of the Hallway That Should Not Exist Anyway, a million turtle shells lying next to it. Not far away was a propane tank, looking like the one Vexen tried to refill eons ago.

And there, standing in the middle of the corridor, shouting furiously at each other, were Saix and Axel.

Xaldin and Zexion, as one, sweat-dropped. What in hell was Axel planning to do? It had to be Axel. Who else was crazy enough to do such an outlandish thing? Well, Vexen would, but he's not here, now is he?

"Axel, what are you doing this time?" Xaldin demanded.

"Why is it than whenever something goes wrong, everyone always blames me?" Axel asked VI and III.

"Because you're usually behind it." Zexion faced Saix and asked, "What was he doing, Saix?"

"Who knows?" Saix shrugged. "I was trying to figure that out when you two interrupted."

"I _was_ going to throw flaming turtle shells at the chipmunks, but apparently _that_ won't work." Axel glared furiously at the Luna Diviner.

"Why would you throw _any_thing that's been set on fire, Axel?" Saix questioned.

"I can manipulate fire, Saix." Axel replied. "Me controlling flaming turtle shells is like asking Luxord to get drunk."

"But he likes getting drunk, Axel." Zexion told the pyro.

"That's my point." Axel said.

"You're not making any sense, you know?" Xaldin shook his head.

"When does he ever?" Saix shrugged.

"So how many chipmunks have you guys killed?" Axel asked, running his fingers through the wild crimson spikes.

"About two thousand." Xaldin replied.

"Six hundred seventy-two thousand, nine hundred seventeen." Saix answered.

"That's a bit insane, Saix." Zexion said.

"And how many have _you_ killed, Axel?" Saix asked the pyro, who was tossing a turtle shell up in the air.

"I lost count after one hundred ninety-six." Axel shrugged.

"Go figure." Zexion rolled his eyes.

"Are you guys doing anything useful or are you just standing around like a bunch of morons?"

Now who do you think would be asking such a question? Let me give you a hint. He's the guy in the Organization that I want to get killed off the most, even though all of the Organization is already dead.

Vexen (who else would it be?) stomped into the Corridor That Should Not Exist carrying a box of what appeared to be dynamite.

"What are you planning now, Vexen?" Saix asked warily.

"I'm going to ask the Superior if we can just blow up the Castle." Vexen replied.

"Now why would you do that?" Zexion asked.

"Hey, it was Marluxia's idea." Vexen said, as if this made any difference.

"Do you always listen to your boyfriend's suggestions?" Axel wondered.

"His ideas are usually good ones." Vexen said as Demyx suddenly ran by with a wheelbarrow of dead chipmunks.

"According to who?" Xaldin demanded.

"Me." Vexen said, setting the dynamite carefully on the floor.

"And you're the paranoid scientist of the Organization, so why should we trust you?" Zexion wondered, pulling out the K volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

"Because I know the formula to blow up this entire Castle with arsenic and potassium nitrate." Vexen said.

"I think that's a good reason." Axel said as Lexaeus darted past the group with a hundred chipmunks on a string behind him.

"Yeah, I think so." Saix agreed.

"Oi, what's going on here?"

Xigbar sauntered over to the group, his gun against his shoulder, looking very annoyed indeed.

"Why do you care, Xiggy?" Axel's eyes were suspicious, since the Free Shooter didn't care about work in the slightest.

"I just got yelled at by Xemnas about not killing chipmunks fast enough." Xigbar said.

"Why?" Axel wondered. "What were you doing?"

"Playing _Trace Memory_." Xigbar said.

"No wonder why he got pissed at you, Xigbar." Saix said. "You know how Xemnas is about things."

"Um, you might want to be careful around Xemnas if I were you." Roxas and Xion approached the group.

"Why's that?" Axel asked.

"He just found out that some chipmunks ate his notes for today's meeting." Xion said.

"He's going to be mad all day." Roxas' statement wasn't really needed since everyone knew that Xemnas was going to be pissed for all eternity.

"Let's head for the hills now." Axel grabbed Roxas and started to walk off.

"Get back here, Axel." Zexion pulled Axel back to the group. "I can try to make another copy of it."

"It'll be an illusion." Xigbar said. "What difference is it going to make?"

"And Xemnas is the only one who knows the contents of the notes." Vexen said.

At that moment, the Superior's yelling could be heard from the end of the corridor.

"Why is everyone congregating in this hallway? _Move it_!"

As one, the group scampered away, leaving the catapult, propane tank, and turtle shells behind to create a roadblock in the corridor.

* * *

The Killing of the Chipmunks, as Marluxia later called it, took several hours. So long, in fact, that Xemnas' meeting started at almost one in the morning.

So the Nobodies of Organization XIII filed into the dreaded Room Where Nothing Gathers at almost one in the morning, yawning and wishing they could be asleep. Xemnas had a rather hard time keeping the Nobodies awake throughout the duration of the meeting and everyone was relieved when they heard Xemnas say the thing that meant that the meeting was almost over.

"Any more ideas before we close?"

For one reason or another, Marluxia raised his hand and said, "I have an idea, Superior."

"Make it quick, Marluxia." Axel glared at the pink-haired neophyte.

"As I'm sure you've all noticed, the recent chipmunk raid has ruined the walls of the Castle." Marluxia said.

"No kidding?" Vexen was about to fall asleep.

"So I propose that we paint the Castle tomorrow." Marluxia said.

"No." All in the Organization, save for Xemnas and Marluxia, protested.

"Why not?" Marluxia looked confused. "Don't you care about aesthetics?"

"Not really." Lexaeus said, failing to stifle a yawn.

"I don't see why we can't." Xemnas said. "The Castle is looking quite retched lately."

"Can we paint our room the colour we want?" Larxene questioned.

Marluxia said, "Absolutely not." when Xemnas said, "Okay."

The Graceful Assassin looked at Xemnas in confusion and asked, "Why, Superior?"

"Because the walls in my office look absolutely dreadful, Marluxia." Xemnas replied. "And I'm the other rooms look just as boring."

"Fine." Marluxia couldn't fight against the Superior. "But the rest of the walls are white."

"That's fine." Xemnas said.

"I call red." Axel said at once.

"That would be horrible, Axel." Roxas said, sticking out his tongue in disgust.

"You'd better give Roxas a say in this, Axel." Xion smiled. "He's in your room more than his."

"Oh, come off it." Axel rolled his eyes. "It's going to be red and you're going to like it, Roxas."

"Apparently so." Roxas shrugged.

"You can be more assertive, Roxas." Demyx said.

"Nah, that'd be him." Roxas laughed as he pointed to his pyro boyfriend.

"I have no comment." Lexaeus said.

"Do you ever?" Saix wondered.

"So everyone let Marluxia know what colour paint you want for your room and Marluxia will go buy paint tomorrow." Xemnas said.

"You mean today." Axel yawned.

"Why do I have to buy the paint?" Marluxia wondered.

"Because this was your insane idea." Xigbar said.

"Vexen, you're coming with me." Marluxia said, glancing at the Chilly Academic.

"Why me?" Vexen wondered. "I have to fuse ammonia with chloroform."

"I need you to help carry the paint cans." Marluxia said.

"In that case, why don't you have Lexaeus do it?" Luxord suggested.

"I don't trust Lexaeus with paint." Marluxia said flatly.

"Thanks so much, Marluxia." Lexaeus was clearly being sarcastic.

"So can we go now, Superior?" Axel questioned. "I want to get some sleep before dawn."

"Give up on that, Axel." Larxene said.

"Why's that?" Axel asked the Savage Nymph.

"Because it's already six in the morning." Roxas said, checking his cell phone.

"How the fuck did this meeting last for five hours?!" Axel demanded.

"Who knows?" Xion shrugged.

"Well, you are all dismissed." Xemnas said.

As one the Organization gratefully made their way out of the room, yawning hugely and wishing they could get some sleep. While the painting of the Castle seemed innocent enough, they should have learned that horrid things were soon to occur.

**I hope it was worth the wait...I'm leaving for the beach for the 4th of july with my family, so there won't be any updates for a while. reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: rule number 54791234: don't give Demyx paint**


	41. Paint Melee

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**Konnichiwa! It's Xero. I know I'm getting this out late, but I was uber uninspired to write. But I didn't notice anyone wondering where the new chapter was...whatever. On with the deadly tale!**

A very confused Vexen went along with Marluxia when he went to the local paint store. Sure, it was the malevolent trip from the Underworld and sure, they were probably doomed for all eternity, but they were on a mission (from God, of course) to get paint for the repainting of the Castle That Never Was.

When they reached the paint store, they were faced with millions (literally) of colours of paint. Oranges, blues, greens, purples...some colours looking like they'd come straight from Vexen's lab.

"This is a bit insane, huh?" Vexen rolled his eyes.

"Your Lab is going to be bright orange?" Marluxia raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend. "I don't think we'll have a problem finding it."

"Are you calling me crazy, Marluxia?" Vexen asked, his voice serious.

"Nope." Marluxia was lying, but Vexen couldn't know that. "Now let's get going."

"You want to water your plants, don't you?" Vexen had a rare smile on his face.

"I have Foxgloves and Bougainvillea to water, Vexen." Marluxia snapped angrily. "I know you want to fuse nitrogen and sulphur this afternoon."

"How'd you know about that?" Vexen wondered.

"You've been talking about it all week, honey." Marluxia said.

"Dammit." Vexen swore under his breath.

"Wanted to surprise me?" Marluxia asked.

"Yep." Vexen nodded.

"Now let's get this paint." Marluxia pulled out the list of paint colours requested by the other members of the Organization. "Saix wants periwinkle blue."

"Did he actually say that?" Vexen looked at his lover in a confused manner.

"That's what he wrote on the paper." Marluxia said.

"Saix has officially lost his mind." Vexen shook his head.

"He's been doing that for years now." Marluxia said as he followed the Chilly Academic into the aisle dedicated to blue paint. After many painstaking moments of searching, the paint was discovered. "Xion, Xigbar, Luxord and Xemnas want different shades of green."

"Of course they _have _to be different." Vexen rolled his eyes. "Give me the list. I'll get what Xemnas and Luxord want."

"No need, I have them." And indeed, Marluxia came back into view with several cans of paint in his arms.

"Sweet samurai, Marluxia!" Vexen exclaimed.

"Calm down, Vexen." Marluxia said. "You sound like Roxas when he's playing _Ninja Gaiden." _

"Or Larxene when she's skinning a groundhog?" Vexen supplied.

"Actually, yes." Marluxia smiled.

"So what colour's next?" Vexen demanded.

"Larxene wants canary yellow." Marluxia rolled his baby-blue eyes to the ceiling.

"So it matches her hair?" Vexen mused as he grabbed the standard can of ordinary yellow paint.

"That would be my guess." Marluxia shrugged. "Axel wants red."

"Of course he does." Vexen sighed. "Does he _try _to be weird?"

"Probably." Marluxia answered. "He said he doesn't care what shade of red as long as it's bright."

"Like a fire hydrant?" Vexen raised an eyebrow.

"Yep." Marluxia nodded.

"I'll go get it then." Vexen started to make his way over to the section of the store dedicated to crimson paint.

"I got it, Vexen." Marluxia had a can of blood-red paint in his arms.

"What's the point of having me along if you're doing all the work?" Vexen demanded.

"So I don't have to make a million trips to the van and back to get the paint." Marluxia said.

"Who's next?" Vexen figured they might as well get this over with.

"Roxas wants lavender." Marluxia said, walking over to the purple section.

"_Lavender?!_" Vexen was clearly shocked by the colour chosen by the Key of Destiny. "He really is gay, isn't he?"  
"Says the one who's gay himself." Marluxia smiled.

"So now who?" Vexen asked.

"Go get your orange paint." Marluxia said. "And grab a can for Lexaeus, too."

"Dark or light shade?" Vexen asked.

"Light." Marluxia said. " Get whatever you're getting."  
"Sounds good to me." Vexen said. After retrieving the paint, he saw Marluxia returning with several cans of pink paint. "Marluxia, tell me that you aren't going to paint your room pink..."

"Then I'd be lying to you." Marluxia said. "Xaldin and Zexion want some shade of blue. They don't really care what shade."

"Zexion's getting bright blue..." Vexen returned with the paint cans a few moments later. "Next. We have to be almost done, right?"

"Demyx-" Marluxia started to say.

"God help us all." Vexen rolled his eyes.

"-wants purple." Marluxia said.

"He has to be weird, doesn't he?" Vexen grabbed the paint and said, "Let's get going."

"We need to pay for them first, babe." Marluxia grabbed Vexen and pulled him towards the counter.

It took nearly an hour to ring up all of the paint cans. They had to wait just about twenty minutes for a sales associate to become available, since they all decided to go on their lunch break when Vexen and Marluxia walked in the door. The cashier, a strange looking woman named Sari, took a long time ringing up their paint, since the woman had to be around the age of Methuselah, who was 969 when he died.

When they at last got the paint in the van, Vexen had to strap the cans down with several yards of rope so they wouldn't fall over and spill all over the van. They had just pulled out of the parking lot when Marluxia realized that he had forgotten something.

"Vexen!" Marluxia yelled, causing Vexen to slam on the brakes, which in turn, jolted the van forward about six inches.

"_What, Marluxia_?!" Vexen wasn't at all happy with his boyfriend.

"We forgot the white paint!" Marluxia proclaimed.

"We are _not_ going back for it." Vexen said as he turned on the highway.

"We have to!" Marluxia exclaimed, grabbing the steering wheel. "Xemnas will kill me!"

"That's looking pretty good right about now, Marluxia." Vexen said.

"Come on, Vexen!" Marluxia glared at the Chilly Academic.

"Okay, fine." Vexen returned the glare. "But just so Xemnas doesn't give me an early fading."

It took an extra hour to obtain the many, many gallons of white paint. The sales-woman-person wouldn't believe that they needed white paint and almost wouldn't let them near it. After Marluxia pulled out his scythe, the woman tried to call security, but Vexen froze her lips shut, allowing IV and XI to steal the paint with virtual ease. The end result of this escapade was Vexen and Marluxia walking out of the store with literally a hundred gallons of white paint. Thank God for credit cards, huh?

* * *

Loud yelling could be heard coming in from the direction of the Game Room That Never Before Existed Part IX. The entire room had been transformed to look like a sports arena. Sadly, though, those sports happened to be badminton and golf. This made absolutely no sense since Xion and Zexion were watching a hockey game.

This is a rare day, ladies and gentlemen. Zexion's not reading! Alert the authorities!

"How is your team going on open net?" Xion asked the silver-haired Nobody. "They're losing by five points!"

"Maybe they're desperate." Zexion replied.

"But by going to open net, they're basically asking for the other team to score on them." Xion pointed out. "They do know that, right?"

"How would I know?" Zexion snapped. "I'm not in the stadium right now."

"Aww, come on now!" Xion yelled as one of the opposing forwards scored on her team's net.

"What's going on?" Demyx bounded into the room, jumping on his boyfriend.

"Watching hockey, Demyx." Zexion replied, patting the sitarist on the head like he was a dog.

"Why would you do that?" Demyx frowned.

"Because hockey is awesome?" Xion's reply sounded like a question.

"Well, Marluxia and Vexen are back with the paint." Demyx said.

"And your point is?" Xion didn't want to have to paint her room when there was a hockey game on.

"We need to get going." Demyx grabbed his boyfriend and dragged him out of the room, leaving Xion to follow miserably behind them.

They soon found themselves face to face with hundreds of cans of paint ranging in colours from white to industrial strength yellow that could only belong to Larxene.

"Sweet Ragnarok!" Of _course_ Zexion had to reference the Norse apocalypse. Typical Zexion.

"I know, right?" Vexen glared at the pink-haired neophyte, who happened to be helping the deranged scientist unload cans of white paint. "And we had to go back for the white paint."

"Seriously, Marly?"Xion grabbed her green paint and headed back to her room.

"Incredibly, yes." Marluxia said.

"Demyx, why did you get purple paint?" Zexion raised an eyebrow as the sitarist picked up several cans of purple paint.

"Because I like purple." Demyx nodded, heading off to his room so he could start the horrible process known as painting.

* * *

Roxas had obtained his lavender paint and was heading back to his room when he heard the unmistakable sounds of Avenged Sevenfold echo throughout the corridor. Knowing that the listener couldn't be Xaldin, since the Whirlwind Lancer really only listened to Egyptian polka, the Key of Destiny concluded that the listener was his pyromaniacal boyfriend.

And indeed, when he entered Axel's room, Roxas found number VIII dancing away to _The Beast and the Harlot_.

"Is there ever a time when you aren't dancing?" Roxas wondered, his cerulean eyes on his boyfriend.

"Eh, not really." Axel stopped dancing, though, so he could properly talk to XIII. "You got lavender paint?"

"I like it, okay?" Roxas shrugged. "Zexion has electric blue."

"That's weird." Axel said. "I thought Zexy would get grey to match his hair."

"Larxene got canary yellow, from what Xaldin says." Roxas said.

"That suits her." Axel replied.

A series of pounding sounds could be heard from the room next door. Puzzled, XIII and VIII went into what appeared to be Demyx's room. I say appeared to be because the Melodious Nocturne had the entire floor covered in fabric so the paint wouldn't ruin the atrocious ivory tiles. Even the sitar was covered in a layer of plastic wrap, then a layer of bubble wrap, then another layer of plastic wrap. Demyx was jumping up and down singing _Dani California_ at the top of his non-existent lungs.

"Dem, are you on a sugar high or something?" Roxas wondered, turning down the stereo.

"What do _you_ think?" Axel questioned.

"He is, most likely." Roxas concluded.

"Turn it off, Demyx." Axel ordered.

"But I like it, Axel!" Demyx whined.

"I'm your superior, so you have to do what I say." Axel said.

"But Marluxia never listens to Xaldin." Roxas pointed out.

"But I'm not Xaldin or Marluxia, am I?" Axel retorted.

"Thankfully not." Roxas shuddered.

"What's wrong, Roxas?" Demyx frowned.

"I don't like the thought of making out with Marluxia or Xaldin." Roxas said, his eyes wide with horror.

"Its okay, Roxas." Axel wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.

"Wheeee!" Quite randomly, Demyx had dipped his paintbrush in the can of purple paint and flung it in a circle wildly, sending paint in every possible direction.

"What the fuck are you doing, Demyx?!" Axel shrieked.

"Painting my room!" Demyx proclaimed.

"Well, knock it off!" Roxas, taking action, seized the paintbrush from the sitarist and throwing it out in the hall, hitting Xigbar in the forehead, to which he responded by storming into the room.

"What the bloody hell is going on in here!?" Xigbar demanded.

"Demyx was going a bit crazy, Xiggy." Axel responded, putting Demyx in a headlock.

"Don't kill me!" Demyx screeched so loudly that number I himself entered the room.

"What, is it Grand Central Station in here?" Axel's peridot eyes rolled to the ceiling.

"What's all this commotion about?" Xemnas commanded.

"Demyx sprayed us with paint, sir." Roxas said.

"So now we're wearing purple and black." Axel said.

"Demyx..." Xemnas said to the hyperactive sitarist.

"Saix and Luxord gave me Sweet Tarts." Demyx declared.

"You know better than to eat candy, Demyx." Xigbar said.

"Well, Roxas and I will be going now." Axel took Roxas by the hand and pulled him out of the room.

"This is getting ridiculous, huh?" Roxas looked up at Axel.

Axel nodded and said. "Oh, hell yeah."

**It's an abrupt ending, but I really didn't want to write anymore. I'm leaving for college next week, so don't expect a lot of updates. That being said, if someone wants anything in this story, let me know and i'll do my best to get it up in a timely manner. Reviews equal love!**

**next chapter: The madness continues! Marluxia's paint is stolen and Lexaeus goes insane. Literally. **


	42. The War of the Paint

**Disclaimer: If this actually happened, I'd wonder who was on crack while writing this.**

**Hey! It's Xero. And I'm still alive and finished my first semester at college! which is why i haven't been able to update this in a while. that and the fact that i have lost several plot bunnies for this series. *sigh* ah well. I had no idea that so many people wanted this story to continue, so here it is, even if it is a little sporatic at the end. Vexen's part in this story goes to my friend lunatheblond for the idea. Love you, Luna! So without further ado, on with the deadly tale!**

While chaos and general paranoia was ensuing elsewhere in the Castle That Never Was That Should Not Be, Zexion was having a high and mighty time listening to Depeche Mode in his room as he painted. The Cloaked Schemer had started out reading _Ink Exchange_ while he painted, but the end result had not been pretty. So now Zexion found himself painting his room electric blue.

A few minutes later, Zexion suddenly realized something. Something so horrible, so apocalyptic, so disastrous that he might as well have jumped off of the Space Needle in Seattle.

He was painting his room electric blue.

Granted, he'd known he was painting his room electric blue for quite some time, but it had just finally sunk in.

What in the world were Marluxia and Vexen thinking? Did they really think that he'd _like_ having his walls electric blue?

Furious, the Cloaked Schemer marched down to the Lab That Never Was That Is The Birthplace For Many Fatal Experiments and found the Chilly Academic painting his room a very peculiar shade of orange.

"What's the big idea, Vexen?" Zexion bellowed.

"What's Marluxia done now?" Vexen was often blamed for Marluxia's mistakes.

"Why did you guys get me _electric blue paint_?!" Zexion demanded.

"You just said any shade of blue." Vexen shrugged, turning to the wall again.

"I didn't think you'd get me a colour that looks like it should belong in a strip club!" Zexion exclaimed.

"What kind of strip clubs do _you_ go to?" Vexen raised an eyebrow.

"I don't!" Zexion exclaimed.

"That explains a lot." Vexen quipped.

"Just get to the point, Vexen!" Zexion snapped, obviously annoyed.

"What point, Zexion?" Vexen questioned.

"Why did you get me electric blue paint?!" Zexion demanded.

"Because I felt like it." Vexen shrugged.

"That's what you said when you tried to create a black hole in the Game Room." Zexion snapped.

"Which one?" Vexen questioned.

"The seventh time." Zexion glared.

"I meant which game room." Vexen clarified.

"Part ninety-four." Zexion said.

"I didn't make a black hole in that one." Vexen said.

"Then what happened there?" Zexion raised an eyebrow.

"That was where I created the vortex that teleported people to southern Portugal." Vexen said.

"Well, it involved you, didn't it?" Zexion pointed out.

"That doesn't matter!" Vexen exclaimed.

"Oi, what's with the arguing in here?" Saïx said as he walked into the room quite randomly.

"Vexen and Marluxia got me electric blue paint!" Zexion exclaimed.

"Did you specify which shade of blue you wanted?" Saïx queried.

"No..." Zexion said slowly.

"Then it's your own fault, now isn't it?" Saïx said.

"Oh, whatever." Zexion said before walking out of the room, leaving Saïx and Vexen alone in confusion.

* * *

While Zexion was dealing with his flamboyant paint, the rest of the motley crew known as Organization XIII had another problem: Demyx had taken the paint rollers and no one knew where they were.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Why not just ask him, right? Well, that's just what Xigbar was going to do until he found the Melodious Nocturne passed out on the floor of the Game Room That Never Was Part XXI.

Why am I not surprised?

So as the result, the more sane members (are there any?) were on the Epic Quest To Find The Paint Rollers, as Axel decided to call it.

"This is absolutely ridiculous." Xemnas complained as he and Lexaeus ransacked the Cupboard Near The Kitchen That Should Not Exist.

"Well, why didn't you give them to Marluxia or someone more responsible than Demyx?" Lexaeus wondered.

"I didn't give them to him, Lexaeus." Xemnas said, ripping a drawer out of a desk and throwing it behind him without looking to see where he was throwing it. "He just took them and ran off."

"You could've gone after him." Lexaeus pointed out.

"Have you _tried_ chasing Demyx?" Xemnas demanded.

"No, but I _have_ gone after Saïx when he's in Berserk mode and stoned." Lexaeus challenged.

"Eh, good enough." Xemnas turned to the bookshelf and started throwing books over his shoulder.

"Can you watch where you're throwing things, Superior?" Lexaeus asked after he was almost creamed with a copy of _Cooking Pots for Soviets_.

"I suppose so." Xemnas shrugged.

"Oi, Superior?" Axel said as he suddenly portaled into the room.

"Yes, Axel?" Xemnas asked warily, sensing that Axel was bringing news that he'd burned something.

"Roxas and Xion found some paint trays in the Conservatory." Axel said. "They're in your office now."

"And why are you telling me this?" Xemnas asked.

"Xion figured that you'd want to know." Axel said, running his fingers through the crimson spikes. "I'm just the messenger."

"All right." Xemnas said. "Now get back to work."

"Like I'm ever _not _working..." Axel muttered under his breath as he slouched out of the room.

"I didn't even notice we were missing paint trays." Lexaeus said.

"You were too busy watching _Sesame Street_ to notice." Xemnas said.

Lexaeus shrugged and said, "That's probably true."

* * *

After being shooed away by Xemnas, Axel decided to go find his boyfriend and Xion, granted that they were still in the Castle That Should Not Exist Anyway. Xion had wanted to go to some random bookstore and buy the latest volume of _One Piece_, but Roxas had said that it would be a better idea if they stayed in the Castle.

I don't know why one would, actually.

Axel was approaching the Lounge That Never Was Part V when he heard loud explosions and gunfire and all things related to the apocalypse. Confused, as any sane person would be, Axel stepped into the room to find Roxas playing _Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening_ with Xion watching nearby.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Axel raised an eyebrow.

"Bringing Churchill back from the dead." Xion said.

"Vexen's already tried to do that." Axel said, taking the controllers from his boyfriend, much to Roxas' protest.

"Yes, we know." Roxas glared at the pyro.

"I didn't." Xion said. "So did you tell Xemnas?"

"Yep." Axel nodded.

"So he knows about it?" Roxas asked.

"Well, if he told him, I'd think that he knows about it, Roxie." Axel said.

"So what are we doing now?" Roxas asked.

"We _should_ finish painting our rooms." Xion said.

"But that's boring." Axel said. "I want to watch _John Tucker Must Die_."

"You know the minute we start watching it, Xemnas will show up." Roxas said, taking the controller back from the pyro.

"That doesn't mean that I can't watch it." Axel shrugged, taking the controller back and throwing it halfway across the room.

"But then we'd have to face the wrath of Xemnas." Xion said, running her fingers through her hair.

"What do you mean 'we'?" Roxas raised an eyebrow.

"You know that I'm going to want to watch it with you two." Xion said.

"Don't you have other things to do?" Axel raised an eyebrow.

"No, not really." Xion grinned.

"I figured." Roxas rolled his eyes.

"But seriously, we should finish painting." Xion said. "You know Xemnas is going to get pissed if we don't."

"And Marluxia." Roxas said.

"Why would Marluxia get mad?" Xion raised an eyebrow as she grabbed XIII and VIII and dragged them out of the room.

"Because Marly's in charge of interior decorating." Axel informed her.

"Good God, that's horrible." Xion said, her eyes wide with horror.

"You should have seen it before Marluxia decided to paint the walls white." Roxas said, freeing himself from Xion's grasp.

"Why, how bad was it?" Xion asked, wondering if she wanted to know the answer.

"Mansex's room was pink." Axel said, using the ever-popular variation of Xemnas' name.

"Sweet Shiva, really?" Xion's eyes widened in horror.

"And my room was tangerine orange." Axel shuddered.

"That doesn't sound good." Xion said.

"Trust me." Roxas said. "It wasn't."

A loud bark from the end of the corridor caused XIII, VIII and XIV to turn around. Renji was running towards the three Nobodies, a slobbery copy of _Friday Night Lights_ in his mouth.

"Renji, what the fuck are you doing?!" Axel yelled.

"What does it look like he's doing?" Roxas questioned, chasing after the German Sheppard.

"Going absolutely insane." Xion said, dashing after the dog.

"Gotcha!" Axel tackled Renji to the ground. "Give it up, Ren!"

"Axel, it's not like Renji's going to murder you." Roxas said, pulling his boyfriend up off the ground.

"He very well could, Roxas!" Axel exclaimed. "You haven't seen him kill Heartless."

"That's only because _you _trained him." Xion pointed out.

"To be a killer." Roxas glared at the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"No, he's not." Axel retorted, grabbing the DVD case and tossing it to XIV. "If he was a killer, would he really jump on your bed and lick your face to wake you up every morning?"

"Fair enough." Roxas shrugged.

"So what are we going to do now?" Xion asked as the group started to walk down the corridor.

"We go finish painting our rooms." Axel said, linking arms with the Key of Destiny.

"Can we watch a movie and finish?" Roxas asked as the two reached the seventh floor corridor.

"It would go quicker if we do our own rooms separately." Xion said.

"Yeah, it probably would." Roxas said.

"Okay, but I'm still watching _10 Things I Hate About You_." Axel said, breaking his embrace with his boyfriend.

"You've watched it three times this week!" Roxas exclaimed. "And why bring that up?"

"Because I feel like watching it." Axel shrugged as they reached their end of the corridor.

"Well, it's work time." Xion groaned.

"I don't want to work anymore." Roxas complained.

"Well, have fun." Axel said, smiling mysteriously before vanishing inside his room.

* * *

The Lab That Never Was That Was Once Raided By Mutant Giraffes (I'd like to know about that one, too) smelled quite strongly of paint. Granted, the entire sodding Castle was being repainted, so why should the Lab any different?

Because this is Vexen and I'm convinced that he has an undiagnosed case of Paranoid Schizophrenia.

The Chilly Academic must not have been sane when he decided on painting the Lab fluorescent orange. Maybe Luxord slipped crack into Vexen's kiwi orange strawberry juice.

It wouldn't be the first time, let me tell you.

At any rate, IV was about halfway finished painting the Lab and it had only taken him three hours to get to that point. It probably wouldn't have taken him so long if Saïx hadn't come barging in every five minutes.

For one reason or another, Vexen had a set of enormous speakers in the middle of the room, blasting some form of classical music. This sounded very strange compared to Xigbar blasting Black Sabbath a few floors above him.

After the CD ended, Vexen waited for the next CD to play, since the Lab was equipped with six CD-changer stereo system. The Chilly Academic thought he had a CD by Beethoven as the CD that would play next, so he was quite surprised to find himself listening to The Rasmus.

Clearly this was something of Axel's doing.

Vexen stormed over to the stereo and ripped the CD out of the player before throwing it against the wall, causing it to shatter into a million tiny pieces.

Remind me not to get Vexen mad.

Vexen decided on listening to some old country music, something that greatly surprises me. I mean, can you imagine Vexen listening to country?

Neither can I.

The Chilly Academic went back to painting his room that God-awful shade of orange. Strangely, though, it felt as if the temperature in the room had gone up several degrees. And of course it was obvious to notice this because the Lab always felt like it was located in northern Siberia.

Which is probably a reason why Axel doesn't go down to the Lab that much.

Vexen went over to his thermostat next to the sliding door and learned that it was currently twenty-one degrees in the Lab. Well, that's what the metre read, anyway.

Confused, Vexen shrugged and resumed his painting, though he was still wondering how the room was warmer.

A few minutes later, Vexen was finishing the third wall when he noticed that the room was hotter still, which was completely ridiculous in Vexen's opinion.

Seriously, though, when do Vexen's opinions ever matter?

Deciding that enough was enough, Vexen stormed across the room and flung open the door and found Axel sitting on the floor, a devious look on his face.

"Axel…" Vexen said slowly, his voice filled with murderous intent.

"Vexen, it was an accident." Axel said quickly, sensing that Vexen was in a rather homicidal mood.

"Like hell it was!" Vexen shrieked.

"True enough." Axel said. "But it's Xaldin's fault, too."

"And why is Xaldin to blame for this?" Vexen crossed his arms in front of his chest, green eyes glaring at Axel.

"We were playing poker and I lost." Axel explained.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Vexen raised an eyebrow.

"Because whenever I play poker with Xaldin, the loser has to do something the winner says." Axel continued.

"So that time when Xaldin was hanging from the Roof…" Vexen said slowly.

"I won and he lost." Axel nodded.

"Axel…" Vexen said again in the voice that is reserved for people who want to beat the living shit out of someone.

"Vexen, you know Xemnas would murder you if you killed me." Axel said quickly.

"That's not going to stop me, Axel." Vexen said, darting after the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Vexen!" Axel screamed as he ran off to avoid the wrath of Vexen.

* * *

A few hours later, just as the non-existent sun was setting beneath the non-existent sky, the Epic Re-Painting Of The Castle was ended, much to the relief of the Organization save for Marluxia, who found the event to be quite invigorating. Saïx had a bit of a hard time getting the primer on his wall, what with Renji trying to dip his tail in the paint can.

"It's about time we finish." Axel said as he and Roxas played _Mario Kart _later that night in the Game Room That Never Was Part XXI.

"Yeah, I was getting tired of it." Roxas nodded.

"How's it going on in here?" Xion asked as she walked into the room, sapphire DS Lite in hand.

"What are you playing, Xion?" Axel asked.

"The new Zelda game." Xion replied as she sat down next to Axel on the orange leather couch.

"I have to get that one." Axel said, peering over the neophyte's shoulder to see what she was doing. "Is it worth playing?"

"I'd say so." Xion said. "I just started, though. I think Lexaeus beat it already."

"He beats games in ten minutes." Roxas said. "As long as they're Barbie games."

At that moment, a loud yell rang throughout the Castle, which either meant Cardinal Richelieu had come back from the dead or it was Saïx.

"Don't eat the paint, Demyx!"

"Somehow I'm not surprised." Xion rolled her eyes.

"Neither am I." Axel shrugged. "Come on. Let's go get some food."

**And there it is! I hope the ending wasn't too bad. If any of you haven't noticed, I wrote a oneshot called Raining Sheep. I think it's pretty good, so go check it out! If you have any ideas for this story, let me know! They might not be out in the next chapter, because i have some ideas for that one already, but i'll try my best to get them in at some point. Reviews equal love! Xero out.**

**Next chapter: isn't one Axel bad enough? **


	43. Axel and Axl

**Disclaimer: If I owned KH, I think the world would implode.**

**Hey! It's Xero! And I'm still alive! I'm almost done my first year of college, so don't blame me for the few updates. I've had a rough semester, but by this time next week, I'll be done! I have some ideas for oneshots, plus I've been working on ECHO a little bit. I'll hopefully have the next chapter of that up by May. No guarantees, though. Yeah, I wrote most of this chapter while at editing sessions for my college newspaper, since I had nothing to do for hours on end. So I wrote part of my fanfictions and watched Dir en Grey music videos. That being said, don't blame me if this chapter is a bit off. I've been wanting to write this chapter for months, so I hope it's at least tolerable. So let the deadly tale continue!  
**

Demyx was in his room, playing random songs by David Bowie on his sitar. He knew he was under strict orders from Saïx to not play anything on the stringed instrument because Xemnas was taking a nap (unless you want an early fading, it is generally not advised that you wake up Xemnas), but Demyx was bored and playing his sitar always eased his boredom.

However, when he was finished playing _Fame_, the Melodious Nocturne realized that he was hungry and wanted pizza. Fortunately, Lexaeus had gone to the grocery store earlier that day and stocked up on mini pizzas for when Larxene gets in a pizza mood.

After resting the sitar on his bed, Demyx skipped up to the Kitchen That Never Was for a mid-afternoon snack, never mind the fact that it was almost five o'clock. After microwaving his precious Hawaiian pizza (he'd needed to add the pineapple by himself), the Melodious Nocturne began to walk back down to the Lounge That Should Not Be Part XXIV where he would most likely find Vexen, out of his Lab for once in his life, watching _The Boondock Saints_ on Xaldin's enormous flat-screen TV.

As he was walking down the steps, munching on pizza, Demyx heard the sounds of music. And for once, he wasn't the cause of it. What a surprise that is. In any case, Demyx determined that the song was _Welcome To The Jungle_ by Guns N' Roses, which probably meant that the listener was either Larxene or Xigbar.

Demyx ignored the music and continued on to the Epic TV Room, as Axel often called it, so he could watch a movie. However, as soon as Axel crossed his mind, another thought popped into his head.

The lead singer for Guns N' Roses was called Axl Rose. And then there was Axel...

If this was a cartoon, this would be the time where a little light bulb would appear over Demyx's head. Demyx gasped suddenly as though he'd just walked in on Sirius Black and Remus Lupin having sex in a closet. Why had he not noticed it before? Noticed what, you ask?

Axel was the singer for Guns N' Roses.

Now do you all remember back in chapter eleven when Demyx thought that Axel was a Firebender from the Avatar world? Or the time in chapter twenty-six when he thought that Axel was in his book?

I finished that book, by the way. It was so awful I want to rip out the pages, tear them into little pieces, burn the pieces and throw the ashes into a river.

That's a bit violent, isn't it? Anyway...

Well, you may not remember the incidents in the aforementioned chapters because it's been such a long time since I've updated. But that doesn't mean that Demyx can be crazy enough to think such outlandish thoughts.

But since when has that ever stopped him? Forgetting about his pizza, Demyx raced up to the twelfth floor and into the gargantuan Library That Seems To Hold No Purpose to find Zexion so he could tell VI about his amazing discovery.

"Zexion!" Demyx yelled as he wandered through the seemingly endless row of books.

"I'm in row fifty-seven, Demyx." Zexion's voice could be heard from afar.

"What's in row fifty-seven?" Demyx wondered, since he only knew the row numbers in accordance with their contents.

"Books about topiary." Zexion said.

Demyx eventually found his boyfriend, but it took about ten minutes to do so. When he eventually did reach row fifty-seven, the Melodious Nocturne found Zexion sitting on the floor reading a copy of _Handbook For The Northumbrian Small Pipes_.

"Why are you reading a book on bagpipes?" Demyx frowned.

"Because I can." Zexion replied. "What do you want, babe?"

"I found out something." Demyx grinned, rocking back and forth on his heels.

"And that would be?" Zexion asked, though he didn't really care.

"Axel is the singer from Guns N' Roses." Demyx looked quite pleased with himself.

"And where did you find this information?" Zexion questioned.

"Why?" Demyx wondered.

"Because your sources of information are rather dubious, Demyx." Zexion said.

"I figured it out by myself." Demyx grinned.

"No wonder." Zexion muttered under his breath.

"Say what?" Demyx questioned.

"Oh, nothing." Zexion shook his head. "Just go about your business."

"Wha?" Demyx frowned.

"You just wanted to tell me that, didn't you?" Zexion asked. "Then you've done what you wanted to do."

"But what if I want to stay here?" Demyx questioned.

"Well, you won't be staying here, Demyx." Zexion said. "I'm reading."

"That doesn't mean that I can't stay." Demyx retorted.

"Out, Demyx." Zexion commanded.

Taking Zexion's yelling as a cue, Demyx left the Library and made his way to his room. He could tell that the Cloaked Schemer didn't believe him. After all, why would he? Zexion was so doubtful that he needed proof that the sky was blue.

That's a bit bad, ja?

In any case, Demyx realized that he needed some sort of proof that Axel was indeed Axl Rose. But how was he going to find it?

* * *

The seventh floor corridor was quiet for what could possibly be the first time in history. Well, it was until the Trans-Siberian Orchestra could be heard at levels that could deafen a rhino.

Now when one hears music, one usually thinks of Demyx or Axel; Demyx because his title is the _Melodious_ Nocturne, and Axel because the redhead is well known for blasting music from bands like Malice Mizer and The GazettE. However, only two members in the Organization listened to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Luxord was one, but he was currently in the Pride Lands testing some cyanide bombs that Vexen had made, never mind the fact that cyanide isn't used in bombs.

Who would guess that Xaldin listened to anything besides country?

Xemnas was walking down the stairs from the Kitchen and could hear the music from the ninth floor. The Superior was naturally curious about who was listening to Trans-Siberian Orchestra, since the last time he heard it was when Luxord slipped LSD in Saïx's martini and the Luna Diviner started pole-dancing to _Another Way You Can Die_.

I'm sure that was fun to watch.

When Xemnas opened the door to Xaldin's room, he found quite an interesting sight before him. Xaldin had styled his hair so that his dreads were now spikier than Axel's, which I'm sure is physically and gravitationally impossible. The Whirlwind Lancer was dancing around in a circle, singing into a pink Sharpie, looking quite odd indeed.

"What are you doing, Xaldin?"

Instantaneously, Xaldin froze, which looked quite comical considering the fact that he was standing on one foot and was about to fall flat on his face. He flung the Sharpie across the room, causing it to hit a rather large poster of Madonna on the wall.

"H-how's it going, Superior?" Xaldin stuttered.

"Aren't you meant to be on a mission, right now?" Xemnas mused, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"I finished early." Xaldin said, straightening up a bit. "I left the report on your desk."

"All right." Xemnas made to leave. "Oh, and Xaldin?"

"Yes, Superior?" Xaldin asked.

"Keep the music down." Xemnas said. "You'll wake the dead."

* * *

If one were looking for Axel, I would suggest starting in the Lounge That Never Was Part XXII where he can usually be found having sex with Roxas under the orange leather couch. If he's not there, then I'd say check his room.

And this is where Demyx found him that non-existent afternoon. The Flurry of Dancing Flames was playing _Lunar Knights_, a game that he'd borrowed from Roxas, on his DS while listening to an album from Evanescence.

"Axel!" Demyx yelled as he leapt onto Axel's bed.

"I'm not Zexion, Dem." Axel rolled his eyes. "You've got the wrong room."

"Axel, I need to ask you something." Demyx said.

"Go ahead." Axel sighed, realizing that he wasn't going to get anything done while Demyx was in the room.

"Well, it's more of a statement." Demyx went on.

"Get on with it, Demyx." Axel said.

"I know who you are." Demyx said in a voice that he clearly thought was mysterious.

"Good for you, Demyx." Axel rolled his eyes. "You're just finding out that I'm Axel?"

"No, you're Axl Rose." Demyx said, his eyes on the pyro.

Axel frowned and said, "Where did you get this idea?"

"I came up with it myself." Demyx nodded.

"That explains it." Axel muttered under his breath.

"Zexion said it was true, too." Demyx said, as if it mattered.

"I don't think so, Demyx." Axel said.

"He did!" Demyx exclaimed, looking rather annoyed.

"Zexion's smarter than that." Axel said, returning to his game.

"Let's go ask him!" Demyx exclaimed, pulling Axel off the bed and dragging him out of the room.

"Oi, Demyx!" Axel yelled as they went up the stairs to the Library, where Zexion would mostly be found.

"You can ask Zexion if it's true." Demyx said as they reached the Library and opened the giant doors.

It took quite a while to find Zexion. They had to make their way through the thousands of rows of books in order to find the Cloaked Schemer. Every time Demyx thought they were getting close, he would lose his "Zexion vibe" as he called it.

"Demyx, are you sure Zexion was in here?" Axel asked Demyx hesitantly.

"Of course he was." Demyx said.

"Right." Axel rolled his eyes. "He couldn't be anywhere else."

"This is my boyfriend we're talking about, remember?" Demyx raised an eyebrow.

"And you have a reputation for being ridiculous, Demyx." Axel said.

"Zexion!" Demyx screeched so loudly that Jack Skellington could hear him in Halloween Town.

"Stop yelling!" Axel smacked Demyx in the back of the head.

"What is it this time, Demyx?"

IX and VIII turned around to see Zexion standing not a few feet away from them, a copy of _Poppokepic: The Study of Pointless Words_ in hand.

"Do you like sneaking up on people or something?" Axel raised an eyebrow.

"Whatever gave you that impression?" Zexion offered a rare smile. He turned to face his boyfriend and asked, "So what is it, Demyx?"

"Tell him that you agreed that Axel is Axl Rose." Demyx said, his eyes on the Cloaked Schemer.

"I said nothing of the sort." Zexion said, opening the enormous book once again.

"Yes, you did!" Demyx yelled.

"Demyx, what exactly did you tell him?" Axel asked as he sat down in one of the many orange beanbag chairs, the horrendous colour greatly contrasting with his hair.

"I was going to watch TV when I heard something from Guns N' Roses." Demyx began. "And I remembered that the lead singer for Guns N' Roses is Axl Rose. So then I came to the conclusion that Axel was Axl Rose!"

Zexion stared at his boyfriend with a black expression on his face. Axel tried to unravel that ball of logic that Demyx had thrown at him oh so unceremoniously. Unfortunately, that was as likely as Saїx prancing on the front lawn wearing a pink cocktail dress and an orange fedora while dancing to _Poker Face_ a little too loudly for the non-living dead to tolerate.

The hat would really clash with his hair, huh?

"Demyx, you do know that that made no sense, right?" Axel asked.

"It did so!" Demyx glared at the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

At that moment, _Caramelldansen_ rang throughout the room. Demyx and Axel exchanged confused glances while Zexion took out his cell-phone.

"Yes, Superior?" Zexion had apparently checked his caller ID. "Oh, I'm just listening to Demyx explaining how he thinks Axel is the singer from Guns N' Roses...yes, I know it's ridiculous, Superior. Do you honestly think I'm that stupid?"

Axel and Demyx looked at each other in confusion before Axel decided that it was probably a good idea to forget about what Zexion was talking about.

"So what is going on, Superior?...why would he do that?" Zexion shot a confused look at the other two. "No, I'm sure the beer is hidden."

At this, Axel sent Demyx a look that clearly read "What the hell is going on?" to which Demyx responded by saying, "I haven't a clue, Axel."

"Well, someone needs to watch out for him. You'd think Saïx would learn to tell us when he's going into Berserk mode." Zexion pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Okay, I'll-oh, you found him? Where was he?"

By this point, Axel had given up figuring out what the hell Zexion was talking about and had started playing _Final Fantasy XII: Revenant Wings _on his DS while Demyx, having grown bored, summoned his sitar and started playing _Rest in Peace _from the musical episode of _Buffy: The Vampire Slayer_.

"In the Target Range? My God, I_ told_ Xigbar to lock up that room...oh, he was drunk? Go figure. Okay, Superior. I'll try to sort out this problem with Demyx."

And with that, the Cloaked Schemer hung up his phone and shoved it back in his coat pocket before turning to face Demyx and Axel.

"Now where were we?" Zexion asked as if nothing unusual had happened.

"Demyx thinks I'm Axl Rose." Axel replied, his peridot eyes still on the DS screen.

"Demyx, Axel is not Axl Rose." Zexion said, now facing his boyfriend.

"They have the same name!" Demyx exclaimed, his sitar becoming evaporating water droplets.

"Just because they have the same name doesn't mean that they're the same person, Demyx." Zexion explained.

"Do you remember the time when you thought I was the Axel in that book of yours?" Axel told the sitarist. "This is the same sort of thing."

"But..." Demyx said slowly, his eyes looking rather dejected.

"And _this_ is why you shouldn't jump to conclusions, love." Zexion said, returning to his book. "Now leave. And be wary of Saïx."

"Why?" Axel frowned, the peridot eyes angled in confusion.

"Just do it." Zexion was too engrossed in his book to care.

"Whatever." Axel said as he dragged Demyx out of the Library.

"But I was so sure..." Demyx said sadly.

"Lexaeus was sure that Joan of Arc was brought back from the dead." Axel shrugged. "See where that got him?"

"I don't know why Larxene electrocuted him for that." Demyx frowned in confusion.

"Neither do I, Demyx. "Axel said. "Neither do I."

**Yeah.....it was weird, I know. But I really wanted to get this finished. I have one more chapter idea for this story, so let me know if you want to see anything in this. Reviews equal love! Xero out.**

**Next chapter: a trip to a candle store? This won't turn out well.  
**


	44. Luxord the Time Lord

**Disclaimer: If I owned KH, everything in this series would probably happen.**

**Yo! I'm alive! College hasn't devoured my soul after all, which is kinda strange since it's been, what, a year since I last updated? In my defense, my sophomore year of college was a lot harder than I expected it to be and my own problems didn't help matters. But last semester was a LOT better than the rest of my college career has been, so I'm hoping my junior year will be better. **

**That aside, I think my writing style has changed a lot, so if you guys could stick out the changes with me, that would be great. I already have the next chapter planned and will hopefully work on it as soon as I'm done updating this. I really like how this chapter turned out and I hope you guys do, as well. Without further ado, on with the deadly tale!  
**

Holy Spartans, she's alive! It's only been about a year, right? That's not a long time. Not really.

Do note the sarcasm.

On that note, I suppose I should explain the nature of this chapter. My friends have been watching copious amounts of _Doctor Who_ and I have joined them, as I have now found a free website that allows me to watch the episodes. This idea came to me while I was sitting in World Literature last semester and I couldn't resist not adding this in. It's going to be a _bit_ like the last chapter, but if all goes well it should work out.

So let's move on, shall we?

There really is no such thing as a normal day in Organization XIII. Every time a day appears to be normal, something extremely outlandish and downright ridiculous happens. The last time Xemnas thought that the day would be ordinary, Vexen decided that he would conduct his experiment where he would create an actual Gravemind from the _Halo _series (which I now play. Obsessively). The Replica Gravemind decided that it would try to destroy the entirety of the Castle That Never Was, which resulted in an all-out war between the Nobodies and the gargantuan monster that reminds me of the Kraken.

Dear God, I can only _imagine_ how badly that would turn out.

This being said, Xemnas knew that something bad was going to happen that day when he woke up to find Kingdom Hearts shining so magnificently outside of his window. Of course, I still believe that Xemnas is paranoid, but I'd say he has a right to be, considering that he's in control of thirteen rambunctious Nobodies.

* * *

Roxas slowly walked down the corridor, his eyes on the DS in front of him. The blonde was playing _The World Ends With You_ and wasn't really concerned with his surroundings. This might explain how he managed to trip over Zexion's copy of _The Norton Anthology of Shakespeare_ which, for reasons only known to VI, was lying in the middle of the corridor.

As XIII passed the Lounge That Never Was Part XXIV, he happened to glance into the room to see what Nobody was inhabiting it. It just so happened that Axel was watching some British TV (_Robin Hood_, if you must know) which seemed odd, since the Flurry of Dancing Flames usually watched shows such as _Heroes_ and _Criminal Minds_.

"Watching British shows, Axel?" Roxas asked as he joined his boyfriend on the couch.

"No, I thought _Robin Hood_ was Norwegian?" Axel rolled his eyes.

"He dies in the end." Roxas said casually.

"Oh, I know." Axel said. "I had to have Marluxia ranting to me about it."

"That's a surprise." Roxas said, tapping the stylus on the bottom screen of the DS. "I figured you'd be watching _Elfen Lied_ by now."

"Just finished it." Axel nodded. "I'm taking a bit of a break before I play _Bioshock_."

"Sounds lovely." Roxas said.

"And I've got an idea for a prank we can play on Demyx." Axel said.

"A prank on Dem?" Roxas raised an eyebrow. "Do you think he'll understand it?"

"He should." Axel nodded. "His warped mind will somehow make sense of it."

"And what is this plan, Axel?" Roxas wondered.

"I think we should tell Demyx that Luxord is a Time Lord." Axel grinned deviously.

"You've been watching too much _Doctor Who_." Roxas closed the lid of his DS.

"He'll believe it, though!" Axel said.

"Axel, the Doctor was the last of the Time Lords." Roxas said. "This won't work."

"Well, we can just tell him that Luxord's just another reincarnation of the Doctor." Axel shrugged.

"But Matt Smith is the eleventh Doctor." Roxas pointed out.

"We can just say that Luxord's the twelfth." Axel sighed. "It'll work! Trust me!"

"I dunno…" Roxas frowned.

"Roxas, Dem thought that I was a firebender. Remember?" Axel told the blonde.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that it won't work." Roxas said.

"You're such a killjoy." Axel rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll just go tell him myself."

* * *

Meanwhile in the Kitchen, Saïx was playing Cluedo with Xaldin, with III playing as Colonel Mustard and VII playing as Mrs Peacock. The Luna Diviner had wanted to read _Gone With The Wind_, but Xaldin had insisted on playing the children's board game. For one reason or another, he kept acting as though they were playing _Yu-Gi-Oh._

"So I'll place this card face down in defense mode." Xaldin said as he moved his piece forward three spaces.

"We are playing Cluedo, Xaldin." Saïx sighed. "Not _Yu-Gi-Oh_."

"But I want to use my Blue-Eyes White Dragon!" Xaldin exclaimed.

"We're playing Cluedo!" Saïx shouted. "And that's not even a decent card anymore!"

"I don't care what you say!" Xaldin yelled as he flipped over the hideous pink card table, knocking all of the contents onto the floor.

"What the hell was that for, Xaldn?" Saïx demanded.

By then, it was too late. Xaldin had already run from the room, leaving Saïx to clean up the mess.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Saïx raised an eyebrow.

"He's upset because his curling iron burst into flames this morning."

Larxene walked into the Kitchen carrying what appeared to be a music magazine.

"How'd you find that out?" Saïx questioned.

"I heard him going on about it." Larxene explained as she grabbed a container of yogurt from the fridge. "By the way, do you know if there's a meeting today?"

"I hope not." Saïx shuddered. "The one yesterday lasted for three hours."

"Yeah, what was the point of that?" Larxene asked as she removed the lid from the yogurt and grabbed a spoon from a drawer near the sink. "I kinda fell asleep."

"Taking a leaf out of Axel's book, are you?" Saïx raised an eyebrow.

"Just tell me what happened." Larxene glared at the Luna Diviner with murderous intent.

"It was just a castle upkeep meeting." Saïx took a drink from his Mountain Dew that had been resting on the counter.

"We had a castle upkeep meeting last for three hours?" Larxene was clearly sceptical about this.

"That we did." Saïx nodded.

"That's bullshit." Larxene said as she walked out of the room, most likely to murder some poor woodland creatures.

* * *

"Demyx, we've got something to tell you."

Demyx looked towards the stairwell of the fourth floor and saw Roxas and Axel coming down the stairs. Roxas was playing something on his DS (like this was anything new) and Axel was holding what appeared to be Xigbar's iPod.

"Axel, why do you have Xigbar's iPod?" Demyx wondered.

"That's not important." Axel shook his head as he put the iPod in his pocket.

"And what is?" Demyx asked.

"We've found out something interesting about Luxord." Axel grinned.

"Ooh! What is it?" Demyx asked.

"Luxord is a Time Lord." Axel said deviously.

"A Time Lord?" Demyx frowned.

"You _do_ know what a Time Lord is, right Demyx?" Roxas asked, looking up from his DS.

"Of course I do!" Demyx exclaimed.

"So you know how important this is, right?" Axel asked.

"So Luxord is the Doctor, then?" Demyx came to the conclusion that Axel hoped that he would.

"Exactly." Axel grinned deviously.

"I need to tell Zexy!" Demyx dashed away, leaving Roxas and Axel standing alone in the corridor.

Roxas turned to Axel and said, "I've got a bad feeling about this, Axel."

"Relax, Roxas." Axel said with a wave of his hand. "What's the worst that can happen?"

* * *

"Luxord!"

For reasons unexplained, Demyx ran not to his boyfriend, but to X himself for clarification about Luxord's true identity.

The Gambler of Fate had been in his room going over his drug orders when Demyx ran into the room. Luxord had to quickly hide the bags of marijuana and heroin that were on the bed behind the pillow. The last thing the Organization needed was Demyx under the influence of illegal drugs.

"What is it, Demyx?" Luxord sighed.

"I know what you are!" Doesn't this sound like a familiar accusation from Demyx?

Luxord frowned and said, "A Nobody?"

"You're a Time Lord!" Demyx exclaimed.

"What has Axel been telling you?" Luxord sighed, knowing that this was typically something Axel would do in his spare time.

"He told me that you're a Time Lord, so you're the Doctor." Demyx nodded.

"I manipulate time, Demyx." Luxord said, drawing forth his gargantuan card deck for no apparent reason. "That doesn't mean that I'm a Time Lord. Or the Doctor, for that matter."

"But you're British!" Demyx exclaimed.

"That doesn't mean anything!" Luxord shouted. "That just means that I'm from Britain, you twat!"

"Maybe Zexion will have an answer." Demyx scowled as he left the room.

Luxord stared after him and said, "An answer to what question?"

* * *

"Xigbar, get your ass up here!"

The Free Shooter had playing a game of Solitaire on his computer when he heard the bellowing of the Superior. Xigbar wondered what he could have possibly done to enrage Xemnas this time. It couldn't have been the fact that II had gotten wasted with Saïx and Marluxia and had turned Vexen's Lab into an indoor curling arena. Or the fact that he and Lexaeus had gotten high and redecorated the whole of the Kitchen, completely painting the walls to make it look like the graffitied walls in _The World Ends With You._

Regardless of the reason, Xigbar figured that he should go and find out what all the hubbub was about. After all, it was very unwise to keep Xemnas angry for long. Especially considering the fact that Xemnas was swearing, which was a sure sign of a problem.

So Xigbar found himself marching up the stairs to the Superior's office. After banging his knuckles on the door, II walked on into the room. Xemnas was reading a gargantuan stack of papers on his desk, but looked rather annoyed when he saw Xigbar enter.

"What's up, Superior?" Xigbar tried to be cheerful.

"Don't get in too good of a mood, Xigbar." Xemnas didn't seem pleased with II.

"What have I done this time?" Xigbar sighed as he planted himself in a chair in front of Xemnas' desk.

"What haven't you done?" Xemnas pulled a random piece of paper from the enormous stack and read from it. "You've repainted the walls in the Kitchen and Marluxia's bedroom, threw Axel's XBox360 off the Roof, replaced all of the movies in the Castle with porn-"

"I didn't throw the XBox360 out the window." Xigbar corrected the Superior.

"Then who did?" Xemnas asked.

"That was Saïx." Xigbar said. "He was drunk."

"Huh. Somehow that doesn't surprise me." Xemnas sighed.

"I know, right?" Xigbar said.

"That doesn't explain your ridiculous behaviour." Xemnas put on his best Boss face.

"I was drunk when those events occurred." Xigbar said.

"That doesn't justify them, Xigbar." Xemnas glared at the Free Shooter. "Have you ever thought of taking responsibility for something?"

"What's responsibility?" Xigbar asked seriously.

"Are you stoned right now?" Xemnas asked.

"Nope!" Xigbar shook his head.

"Xigbar, has Vexen given you drugs again?" Xemnas asked.

"I don't think so." Xigbar shook his head again.

Xemnas should have stopped right there. However, he is known for making poor decisions and ploughed right on ahead.

"And you also set the Roof on fire when you-" Xemnas began to say.

"You almost done, Superior?" Xigbar asked impatiently.

"Excuse me?" Xemnas, at least, was trying to remain professional, though he didn't realize that this was a clearly hopeless task.

"I have things I need to do." Xigbar said.

"Oh?" Xemnas raised an eyebrow. "Things like what, Xigbar?"

"Things like Solitaire." Xigbar said deviously.

"I think this is a bit more important than Solitaire." Xemnas said.

"I think otherwise, Superior." Xigbar said.

Xemnas sighed. This was clearly going to take longer than he expected.

* * *

Guess where the Organization was four hours later? Let me give you a hint: they weren't wreaking havoc in the local mall. So where else could they be?

In a meeting. Just where they wanted to be, right?

No one was paying attention to what Xemnas was saying. Lexaeus was knitting a tea cozy, Luxord was playing poker against himself (and winning against himself), Roxas was playing _Mario Kart DS_, Zexion was reading _City of Bones _for the fifteenth time, Vexen was analysing the elements of the periodic table, and Larxene was making a list of new ways to torture small creatures.

Everyone else was asleep. What a surprise that is.

"Will you lot wake up!" Xemnas roared.

_That_ got everyone awake and/or paying attention. Well, for the most part. Lexaeus had dropped his knitting and Roxas stopped playing his DS, but Zexion was still engrossed in his reading. Xemnas figured that Zexion always ignored everyone for a book, so this was nothing new and took this for a sign that he should continue.

"We _might_ need to cut everyone's pay because of the budget cuts."

"Um, Superior?" Axel raised an eyebrow. "You don't pay us."

"I don't?" Xemnas frowned.

"No, you don't, sir." Xaldin shook his head.

"Well, you won't be getting paid now." Xemnas said. "Our budget has been reduced to almost nothing."

"We had a budget?" Xion frowned.

"Of almost one hundred thousand Munny." Xemnas looked rather pleased with himself.

"So what is it now?" Larxene asked.

"Two Munny." Xemnas' happy mood was immediately terminated.

"Two Munny!" Apparently Saïx hadn't heard about this tremendous drop in funding.

"How are we going to afford booze?" Xigbar and Luxord said together.

"Here's an idea," Xemnas said. "Don't drink!"

Luxord stared at Xemnas as if the Superior had just told him to cut his head off. There was simply no way in Hell (or any other place, mind you) that they could go without alcohol.

"No way." Xigbar shook his head.

"Wait a minute." Lexaeus frowned. "How were we getting funding in the first place?"

"From an unknown source." Xemnas nodded.

"Wow, that's not shady at all." Roxas rolled his eyes.

"You know what this means, right Vexen?" Axel said to IV.

"That you cannot afford propane to set things on fire, Axel?" Vexen looked at VIII.

"You won't have any funding for your Lab." Axel grinned. "Think of all of those unfinished experiments."

Vexen stared at Axel for a few seconds before launching into a rant about all of the mutant things he couldn't create and the people he couldn't bring back from the dead.

"Way to go, Axel." Marluxia sighed. "How am I going to get him to calm down now?"

"Oh, you're just going to fuck later and you know it." Axel shrugged.

"Language, Axel." Larxene's eyes were on the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Don't get on my case about language, Larxene." Axel glared at the neophyte.

"Can we get back on subject?" Xemnas asked the group as he tried to ignore Vexen, who was now ranting about how he couldn't actually create the Covenant weapons from the _Halo_ universe due to the budget cuts.

The other Nobodies didn't really want to get back on subject, but they figured that Xemnas would let them go faster if they cooperated.

"We'll just have to spend a lot less on food." Xemnas said. "And I'll work on finding ways to-"

"_No!_"

The Organization turned to stare at Zexion, who was staring wide-eyed at his book.

"Um, you okay, Zex?" Axel asked cautiously.

"No, I'm not okay!" Zexion shouted.

"What's happened now?" Lexaeus, being Zexions' former boyfriend, knew how to calm VI down.

"Clary just kissed Jace!" Zexion exclaimed.

"Zexion's reading romance novels?" Xigbar frowned. "Never would've guessed that."

"It's a fantasy novel." Demyx whispered to II.

"Isn't that a good thing, though?" Roxas said to Zexion.

"No!" Zexion exclaimed.

"Why not?" Xion frowned.

"Because they're siblings!" Zexion shouted. "They're siblings and they don't know it yet!"

"Wait a minute, I think I'm reading this one!" Larxene exclaimed. "Dammit, Zexion, you've ruined the book for me!"

"Oh, there are at least three others published." Zexion said in an offhand manner. "It gets much worse."

"Thanks." Larxene didn't seem that grateful.

"Getting back on topic," Xemnas was clearly getting annoyed with his Nobodies. "I'll contact some local people and see if they can't help fund us."

"Yeah, because we can totally survive off of two Munny." Axel muttered under his breath.

"But we-" Demyx started to say.

"He was being sarcastic, Demyx." Saïx said.

"So is there anything else that needs to be discussed?" Xemnas asked.

"I have something!" Demyx exclaimed.

"Don't tell us that you've fixed the sitar." Vexen had finally finished ranting and had re-joined the meeting process.

"Thankfully not." Zexion had given up on his book,

"Is this something intelligent, Demyx?" Marluxia wondered.

"I think so!" Demyx nodded eagerly.

"So probably not, then." Lexaeus said.

"Go ahead and speak, Demyx." Xemnas had a feeling that he was going to regret allowing Demyx to speak at all during the meeting.

"Luxord is a Time Lord!" Demyx proclaimed happily. "So he's the Doctor!"

The Organization turned to each other to exchange looks of eternal horror. Either Demyx had been watching too many episodes of _Doctor Who, _or someone had played a prank on him.

"Axel, what did you tell him?" Saïx rounded off on the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Why does everyone always blame me whenever Demyx gets an idea?" Axel looked offended.

"Because you're usually the reason why." Xion informed him.

"Demyx, why do you think that Luxord is the Doctor?" Xaldin asked.

"Because he can control time." Demyx nodded. "And the Time Lords could control time and there's only one Time Lord left, which is the Doctor."

"I already told you that I'm not the Doctor, Demyx." Luxord sighed.

"But you're British!" Demyx exclaimed.

"That doesn't mean anything." Larxene said. "That just means that he's a pompous ass."

Luxord ignored Larxene's comment and told Demyx, "But I'm not the Doctor."

"The Doctor is a fictional character." Vexen had gone back to his periodic table.

"But…" Demyx said sadly.

"I have told you that you need to separate film from reality, Demyx." Zexion said.

"And Matt Smith is the Doctor now." Axel grinned.

"So he-" Demyx said hopefully.

"In the series." Xemnas cut him off before rounding on Axel. "Don't give him any ideas, Axel."

"But it's true." Axel shrugged. "Matt Smith is playing the eleventh incarnation of the Doctor."

"You just liked it when it was Tennant." Roxas rolled his eyes.'

"Can you blame me?" Axel grinned deviously.

"He's mine, Axel." Larxene hissed as she summoned her throwing knives.

"Technically, he doesn't belong to any of you." Saïx said.

"Such a buzz-kill." Larxene scowled.

"So does anything else need to be discussed?" Xemnas asked. "No mentioning anything about Daleks or Slitheens or Adipose Aliens or Tribbles or anything else relating to a sci-fi show."

"Yay for the obligatory _Star Trek _reference." Xigbar grinned.

"Okay, that's it for the meeting." Xemnas said. "Same time tomorrow, everyone."

The rest of the Organization groaned as they climbed down from their obscenely high chairs. Demyx, however, remained in his seat, contemplating the fact that Luxord wasn't really the Doctor. He didn't believe what everyone had told him. Somehow in Demyx's strange, twisted little mind, Luxord really was a Time Lord and he was the Doctor. He just needed to find a way to prove it to the rest of the Organization.

**Three guesses what my favourite video game is? And it's hopefully going to be used a bit in the next chapter. I think TWEWY is an amazing game and it even references Advent Children, which I think is awesome. So at any rate, I hope to have the next chapter up soon, but don't count on it. Life is unpredictable, and mine is no exception. Reviews equal love?**

**Next chapter: Vexen should really learn to stop making experiments. This time, he's gone too far.  
**


	45. When In Halo

**Disclaimer: Can't take a hint, can you?**

**Yo! Zephyr here! It's been a very chaotic few days for me. My laptop got fried a few days ago, so I now have a Mac, since it doesn't look like Epsilon will ever be normal again. I had a really hard time converting the files, but I think I've got the hang of it. I really enjoyed writing this, and I hope you guys will enjoy reading it. Sorry if this is a bit off. I had to copy and paste a bit from this chapter, so part of it might be repeated. That being said, on with the deadly tale!**

Larxene sat in her room, her eyes on the TV in front of her. The neophyte was playing _Halo 3_ on the XBox360 in a Slayer battle in Last Resort and having a pretty good time doing so. She had just shot a fellow player in the head when she noticed that the gunfire was a lot louder than usual. The images seemed a lot clearer than they had previously, as well. She looked around and saw a Spartan on her team standing behind her.

The Savage Nymph frowned in confusion. Hadn't she been in her room just a few minutes ago? There was no way that she-

Unless Vexen had been working on an experiment. The was more likely than not. IV couldn't go a day without his precious experiments and considering the fact that the budget cuts had taken affect earlier that day, Vexen was probably scrambling to finish his experiments.

Given the fact that she was actually holding the Assault Rifle that she had been shooting with, Larxene could only conclude one thing: Vexen had sent her inside the video game.

But Larxene wasn't the only one who was having problems. Elsewhere in the Castle That Never Was That Was Almost The Size Of Buckingham Palace, Demyx was playing _The World Ends With You_ on his sapphire DS Lite when he experienced the same thing: he'd been sucked into the world in his game.

Vexen was really in trouble this time.

* * *

Xemnas sat alone in his office as he listened to an old Genesis album while he worked. As the leader of Organization XIII, he had a lot of work to do.

Maybe this would be a bit more convincing if he wasn't reading a book entitled _How To Sell Your Children For Profit_.

Figuring that he really should get to work, Xemnas closed the book and put it back on the bookshelf. As he was walking back to his desk, he noticed that the walls of his office were, once again, a rather vibrant shade of magenta. Marluxia must have redecorated the room again. Not like this was anything new.

Sitting down at his desk, Xemnas began to work on finding more funding for the Organization. If only Seth the Caterpillar hadn't been murdered during a drug deal gone wrong, they'd still be funded and not in this predicament.

Just as he was starting to call up some of his former confidants, Xemnas heard a bloodcurdling scream coming from the seventh floor. He bolted out of the room and dashed down to the floor in question and found the door to Larxene's room open. Lexaeus was standing in front of the TV and from his stance, Xemnas could tell that V was quite terrified.

"What's happened, Lexaeus?" Xemnas frowned.

"_I'm stuck in this fucking game, Superior_." Came Larxene's angry voice from the TV.

Xemnas raised an eyebrow as he stared at the yellow figure that was clad in MJOLNIR armour. Why did this person sound like Larxene? There was no way the neophyte was in the TV.

"Is that you, Larxene?" Xemnas squinted at the TV, as if this would somehow allow him to see the figure as Larxene.

"_No, it's Marluxia_." Yeah, it was definitely Larxene. "_Of course it's me_!"

"How did you end up in the TV?" Lexaeus demanded. "And why couldn't you take me with you?"

"_I'm almost positive that this is an experiment from Vexen gone wrong, sir._" Larxene was trying to remain as calm as possible.

"So where are you?" Xemnas frowned. "This isn't _Call of Duty_, is it?"  
"_No, this is Last Resort in_ Halo 3_."_ Larxene said as she ducked to avoid getting sniped.

"You play _Halo_?" Xemnas frowned.

"_Girls can play _Halo_ too, you know_." Larxene was losing her patience.

At that moment, Zexion walked into the room carrying a blue DS Lite and said, "We have a problem, Superior."

"Don't tell me Roxas is stuck inside _Again: The Eye of Providence." _Xemnas said warily as he turned towards Zexion.

"No, Demyx is stuck in _The World Ends With You_." Zexion handed the DS Lite to Xemnas.

Xemnas stared at the DS Lite and said, "Are you there, Demyx?"

"_Is that Xemnas? Hi, Superior_!" Demyx was obviously content in the fictional Shibuya. "_I'm having a blast in here_!"

"_Then just worry about getting me out_!" Larxene called over the sounds of the Scorpion tanks shooting off a few rounds. "_I don't want to have to deal with Demyx when I get back_."

"I'm going to find Vexen." Xemnas sighed as he walked towards the door. "Lexaeus, spread the word about not playing _any_ video games until we know what's going on."

* * *

Axel was sitting on his bed playing _Assassin's Creed_ on his laptop. The Flurry of Dancing Flames clearly had not heard about Xemnas' forbidding of the video games.

"Axel, you need to- what the hell are you doing!" Roxas exclaimed as he ran into the room.

"Playing _Assassin's Creed_?" Axel frowned.

"Turn it off!" Roxas screeched so loudly that Simba in the Pride Lands heard him.

"I've been playing this for hours!" Axel shouted.

"_Turn it off before you burn in the flames of_-wait, you have?" Roxas stopped screaming long enough to hear what the pyro was saying.

"Yeah, since around five in the morning." Axel nodded.

"You got up early just so you could play _Assassin's Creed_?" Roxas sighed. "Axel, that's worse than me."

"What were you screaming about?" Axel raised an eyebrow. "Why do I need to stop assassinating people in the semi-fictional Masyaf?"

"Why is it semi-fictional?" Roxas frowned. "Masyaf is a real place."

"But the layout is fictional." Axel said.

"_Anyway_," Roxas was growing impatient. "Larxene and Demyx have gotten stuck in the world of video games."

"That's a good one, Roxas!" Axel laughed. When he saw how serious Roxas was, he said, "Seriously? Which ones?"

"Larxene's stuck in _Halo 3_ and Demyx is in _The World Ends With You_." Roxas said.

"Maybe Larxene can find out what Master Chief looks like." Axel grinned. "Or she could bring Cortana back."

"Why would Larxene bring back Cortana?" Roxas frowned.

"Maybe they can get some lesbian action going on?" Axel shrugged.

"You know, I really don't see that happening." Roxas said. "At any rate, we need to go make sure that they're okay."

"Have someone else do it." Axel said. "I'm busy assassinating people."

"It's our turn to relieve Luxord and Saïx." Roxas grabbed Axel's arm and somehow managed to pull him off the bed.

"That's an interesting combination." Axel said as he allowed Roxas to drag him down the hallway to Larxene's room.

Saïx was reading a copy of _Mansfield Park_ on his Kindle while Luxord attempted to talk to Larxene on the TV screen, but the Savage Nymph was running all over the place, slashing and hacking away with her Energy Sword.

"I think Larx has finally found her happy place." Axel grinned.

"_Enough comments from you, Axel_." The yellow MJOLNIR-clad Larxene turned to face the screen.

"We're here to relieve you guys." Roxas told Saïx and Luxord.

"Thanks, Roxas." Saïx turned off his Kindle. "I need to see how much progress Vexen is making with getting this fixed. No one else is playing video games, are they?"

"Axel was when I found him." Roxas gestured towards VIII.

"Not much for paying attention, are you?" Luxord said as he left the room.

"I'd been playing since five in the morning, Saïx." Axel turned to the Luna Diviner.

"I wonder why it didn't affect you, then." Saïx frowned.

"_Who gives a flying fuck?"_ Larxene swore in the game.

"It's a good thing that game is rated M, Larx." Axel said, his eyes now on the TV. "Your language alone is enough for that rating."

"_Oh shut it, Axel."_ Larxene hissed before she turned and proceeded to stabbing a Covenant Grunt.

"You're being awfully quiet, IX." Saïx picked up the DS Lite and stared at the screen. "Everything okay?"

"_You bet! I'm having a blast!_" Demyx responded cheerfully. "_It's fun using my sitar to eliminate the Noise!" _

"I didn't think you knew a word as big as 'eliminate', Demyx." Axel grinned.

"Wait, how are you fighting the Noise, Dem?" Roxas frowned. "You need a partner to fight in the other dimension."

"_I did! I made a pact!" _Demyx exclaimed happily. "_We're already on the second day with Joshua_."

"That's the day with the Tin Pin mission, isn't it?" Roxas asked.

"So does Vexen have any idea what caused this?" Axel ignored Roxas and Demyx and turned to have a conversation with Saïx.

"He said something about an experiment about bringing the Medici family back from the dead." Saïx said. "But I can't for the life of me determine what that has to do with this."

"It's Vexen, Saïx." Axel shrugged. "We never know what's going on in that head of his."

"At least he wasn't trying to personify the flamethrower." Saïx shuddered. "We don't need another incident like that."

Several weeks prior, Vexen had brought a flamethrower to life, which was undoubtedly a horrific life decision. The weapon ran amok throughout the Castle, burning everything in sight. To make matters worse, Demyx, the one Nobody who could actually help in this matter, was on a mission in Atlantica and was, therefore, out of the Castle. Axel obviously was no help, since his element would only help the flamethrower, so he was given the task of setting various anti-flamethrower traps throughout the Castle. In the end, the flamethrower was extinguished through a combined effort of Xion, Lexaeus and Zexion attacking it simultaneously.

Marluxia nearly fainted when he saw the state of the Castle when everything went back to as normal as it possibly could be. The once pearly white walls were now charred black, looking like the Phantomhive kitchen in _Kuroshitsuji _when Baldroy finishes cooking. The Graceful Assassin had to spend weeks fixing the Castle to look like it hadn't recently been overrun by an animated militaristic weapon.

"Yeah, I'd rather not have that happen again." Axel shook his head.

"I'll go make sure he's doing something worthwhile and not mutating whales and squids again." Saïx said. "Just make sure that Larxene doesn't kill everyone and that Demyx doesn't kill himself, okay?"

With that, the Luna Diviner left the room and headed down to the Lab in the basement of the Castle. He didn't even bother to yell at Vexen about the sub-arctic temperature; he was far too annoyed for that.

"Please tell me you aren't trying to graft a porcupine to a bromeliad." Saïx said warily.

"I'm trying to fix this problem, Saïx." Vexen snapped as he looked away from his computer screen.

"By going on your computer?" Saïx raised an eyebrow.

"By checking to see what went wrong in my attempt to create the Enterprise." Vexen corrected VII. "For some reason, Xemnas wanted me to make a working model of the Starship."

"I thought you were bringing the Medici family back from the dead?" Saïx frowned. "And how can you afford to create a _Star Trek_ ship when we currently have a budget of two Munny?"

"I still have what's left from before the budget cuts." Vexen had pulled on a pair of goggles and was holding a flaming torch to the model of the Enterprise. "I only have twenty Munny left of my own money to finish the project."

"That hardly seems like enough to finish, Vexen." Saïx crossed his arms in front of his chest."

"Now you see my dilemma, don't you?" Vexen snapped.

* * *

"Axel, will you stop trying to shoot Larxene in the head?"

Axel turned away from the TV, though he still had the controls for the XBox360 in his hand, and faced Roxas, who was monitoring Demyx in _The World Ends With You_.

"Where else can I shoot her?" Axel grinned as deviously as the Cheshire Cat.

"_How about not shooting me at all, you cock-bite?_" Larxene was facing the TV and looked rather annoyed.

"I can always aim for the throat, you know." Axel made the rifle on the TV screen take aim at Larxene's throat.

"_Screw you. I'm going off to find Master Chief." _Larxene turned and ran away from view.

"You ever wonder what would happen if Dem or Larxene died in the game?" Roxas asked. "Would they die in real life?"

"Two less annoying people in the world." Axel said gleefully. "Can't complain about that one."

"But you know Xemnas is going to be pissed." Roxas pointed out.

"When is Mansex not pissed about something?" Axel retaliated.

"That's not the point, Axel." Roxas scowled.

"Do you ever have a point, Roxas?" Axel raised an eyebrow. "Besides, I've got an idea."

"This doesn't sound good." Roxas said slowly. "The last time you had an idea, you told Demyx that Luxord was a Time Lord."

"You have to admit, that was pretty funny." Axel grinned deviously.

"Fun for you." Roxas said, his eyes drifting from his boyfriend to the giant TV screen. "It was an annoyance for everyone else."

"This is much better than that." Axel was still grinning manically.

"What are you planning now?" Roxas asked hesitantly. "Are you going to put LSD in Luxord's absinthe?"

"Good idea, but no." Axel shook his head.

"So what is this plan, then?" Roxas asked.

"Just to go through Larxene's stuff." Axel nodded.

"You might as well sign your death warrant, Axel." Roxas told him.

"What can she do, Roxas?" Axel raised an eyebrow. "She's stuck in the TV."

"_She'll electrocute you when she gets back!_"

Roxas and Axel had forgotten all about Demyx. The cerulean and peridot eyes found the DS screen and saw Demyx standing in front of the Mexican hot dog stand in Spain Hill.

"What makes you say that, Dem?" Roxas frowned.

"_Because she hates Axel almost as much as she hates me!"_ Demyx proclaimed.

"Dem, I think everyone hates you." Axel said.

"Don't tell him such things." Roxas hissed into Axel's ear.

"It doesn't matter." Axel said. "I'm going through her stuff anyway."

"Do you not listen to anything anyone tells you?" Roxas asked as Axel walked over to Larxene's closet.

"Not in the slightest." Axel opened the closet doors.

"_Don't say I didn't warn you!_" came Demyx's voice from the TV.

"Finding anything interesting?" Roxas figured he might as well play along so Axel wouldn't yell at him later.

"Larxene has a lot of sex toys in here." Axel said gleefully.

"I'm not sure we needed to know that, Axel." Roxas said.

"I wonder who she uses them with…" Axel's voice trailed off.

"I'm not sure we really want to know." Roxas shuddered at the idea of Larxene having sex with someone.

"There's an awful lot of tampons in here." Axel mused.

"Well, she's a girl, Axel." Roxas said.

"But does she really need eight boxes of them?" Axel looked over towards Roxas.

"_Eight boxes of what_?"

In a painfully slow sort of way, Roxas and Axel turned towards the TV and saw that the MJOLNIR-clad Larxene was standing in front of the TV.

"Hey, Larx." Axel said calmly. "Having fun shooting the Covenant?"

"Get out of my closet, Axel." Larxene hissed.

"It's okay, I've already found the sex toys." Axel said with biting nonchalance.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, blinding XIII and VIII for a few seconds. When the light had faded, they saw Demyx and Larxene standing in front of them. Larxene looked very angry as she was summoning her throwing knives, her green eyes fixed on the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Start running, Axel." Larxene said menacingly.

"Now I'm sure we can sort this out in a civilized manner, Larx." Axel said as he started backing towards the door.

"I'm afraid that is out of the question." Larxene said before she lunged at Axel.

Axel had predicted what Larxene was going to do and had darted out of the room just in time, forcing Larxene to dash away after him, leaving only Roxas and Demyx in the room.

"What just happened?" Roxas was clearly confused.

"We're back!" Demyx proclaimed.

"Yeah, I figured that part out, but how?" Roxas asked.

"I guess Vexen's finally fixed us." Demyx spoke as if he and Larxene had been broken electronic devices.

"I think that's a bit obvious, Demyx." Roxas said.

"Then why did you ask?" Demyx frowned in confusion.

"You know what?" Roxas said. "I'm just going to go play _Time Hollow _and forget about everything that's happened today."

* * *

A few hours later, the Nobodies of Organization XIII filed into the Round Room for their daily meeting. Xemnas droned on and on about the stat of Kingdom Hearts and how the Nobodies were getting lazy with their collecting hearts. The only problem was that Roxas was the only one in the Organization who could collect hearts, a problem that Xemnas kept forgetting when he was assigning missions.

After rambling on about Kingdom Hearts for an hour, Xemnas figured that he should explain about the recent video game situation that Vexen had created. After all, he needed a change of conversation in order to keep the Nobodies paying attention. Well, this applied to the Nobodies who were actually paying attention.

"So I'm sure you've heard about the incident with the video games." Xemnas spoke out to the masses.

"You mean the problem that Vexen created?" Zexion turned a page of _The Saga of Larten Crepsley: The Birth of a Killer_.

"It was an accident!" Vexen exclaimed, his eyes focused on the Cloaked Schemer.

"You say that every time." Xion muttered under her breath.

"I heard that, Xion." Vexen snapped.

"Would you care to explain what happened, Vexen?" Xemnas asked the Chilly Academic.

Vexen sighed and said, "So I was trying to make a working model of the Starship Enterprise when…this happened."

"But you don't know how it happened, do you?" Xaldin asked.

"No, I don't." Vexen shook his head.

"But it got fixed, right?" Luxord asked as he continued with his game of Solitaire.

"Somehow." Vexen shrugged.

"What, you mean you don't know?" Axel raised an eyebrow.

"Demyx and Larxene got out of their games, right?" Vexen shrugged again.

"But I wanted to stay in the _Halo _universe!" Larxene exclaimed. "I was happy!"

"For the first time in your life, I'm sure." Axel grinned maniacally.

Axel's known Larxene long enough to know that she wouldn't like that statement. She had just finished electrocuting him for finding her sex toys and tampons. He really should have known that she would torture him to the deepest depths of hell. His comment was sure to enrage the Savage Nymph.

And it seems like it did.

"Axel, do you lack the ability to keep your mouth shut?" Larxene turned towards the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Why, yes I do." Axel nodded.

"I liked being in Shibuya." Demyx agreed. "It was fun."

"Dem, you weren't really in Shibuya." Zexion told him.

"I know!" Demyx exclaimed.

"Do you?" Marluxia raised an eyebrow.

"I liked playing Tin Pin." Demyx continued.

"And I liked shooting the Covenant in the head and blowing them up." Larxene said maliciously.

"Well, I'm sure we can arrange for them to go back to their games, right?" Axel looked from Xemnas to Vexen and back to Xemnas again.

"I'm not sure how it happened, so how can I possibly know how to do it again?" Vexen said impatiently.

"Good point." Axel leaned back in his chair.

"Honestly, Axel, do you think at all?" Saïx looked towards the redhead.

"Not really, no." Axel shook his head.

"That's obvious." Luxord muttered under his breath.

"So is that it, Superior?" Xion asked.

"Anything new about the budget situation?" Lexaeus wondered.

"I'm still working on contacting my former accomplices from my youth." Xemnas started to say.

"Sounds like Xemnas is channeling Gai-sensei." Roxas said.

"Must you always make a _Naruto_ reference?" Xigbar looked at Roxas.

"Of course, Xigbar." Roxas nodded.

"_Anyway_," Xemnas was starting to get agitated with his Nobodies. "I have several people saying that they are interested in helping us."

"Please tell me that our help will not be from the Russian or Italian Mafia." Zexion did not look up from his book.

"Or Mexican drug lords." Axel added seriously.

"I know a few of those." Luxord said randomly. "They are quite nice."

A few pairs of eyes (and Xigbar's good eye) fell on Luxord. They didn't want to know what kind of relationship the Gambler of Fate had with Mexican drug lords, but they didn't want to find out.

"Luxord aside, I'm working as fast as I can to get us funding so we can continue working on Kingdom Hearts" Xemnas said.

"Or we could just scrap the whole project." Larxene suggested.

"For once, I agree with Larxene." Axel said. "We could all take a vacation."

"From what?" Xemnas' eyes found Axel. "You lot haven't done anything in weeks."

"Because you haven't been issuing any missions, Superior." Marluxia pointed out.

That's kind of an important thing if you want things to get done, Xemnas. I hate to tell you.

"That would be a good idea, sir." Saïx suggested.

"I'll get on that as soon as I can." Xemnas said. "I have one right now: Roxas can go on a Heartless elimination mission with Xion."

"Say what?" Roxas looked up from his game of _Trace Memory_.

"We're going on a mission, Roxas." Xion sighed. "We'll get on it, sir."

"Since when?" Roxas clearly hadn't been paying attention.

"Since about ten seconds ago." Lexaeus told the Key of Destiny.

"So get going, Roxas and Xion." Xemnas said.

"Got it." Roxas sighed as he and Xion portaled out of the room.

"So there aren't any missions for the rest of us?" Luxord asked as he brandished his large deck of cards.

"Let's hurry up and end this, ay?" Axel said in a bored voice. "I'd like to finish my episode of _The Tudors_."

"Yes, you are dismissed." Xemnas said with a sigh before the Organization portaled out of the room.

**It's a lame ending, I know, but I honestly had no clue how to end it. This will be the last chapter for a while, since I leave for Germany in two days. I'll be gone for two weeks, but I already have a chapter idea for the next one. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this one. Reviews equal love?**

**Next chapter: "No, Lexaeus, you cannot do that with a sheep."  
**


	46. What Not To Do With Sheep

**Disclaimer: I only own Florence. That's really disturbing to say...**

**Zephyr here! It's been a long time, huh? And it's sure to be a longer time, since I'm leaving tomorrow to go back to college for my senior year. I've been wanting to write this chapter for a while and I'm glad I finally finished it. For the record, there's a reference to YGOTAS in here. It shouldn't be that hard to find. :) Let the deadly tale continue!**

While Xemnas scrambled to find funding for the Organization, Roxas was having an amusing time listening to Vocaloid. He was listening to _Happy Synthesizer _and dancing around the room when Axel walked in, holding his PSP in his hand.

"What do you want, Axel?" Roxas asked warily, though he did not stop dancing.

"We've got trouble." Axel said slowly.

"What, has Xigbar tied Zexion up in the closet again?" Roxas frowned as he ceased dancing.

"Bigger." Axel flopped down on Roxas' bed.

"Demyx thinks that Xemnas is a Sith Lord?"

"Guess again."

"Zexion finally snapped and is slaughtering everyone in the castle?"

"Not quite that bad yet."

"Saïx got high and is running naked across the front lawn?"

"Kinda on the same level." Axel said.

"Lexaeus is trying to throw Xion off the Roof."

"That's not it."

"Xigbar's made the tampon gun and is shooting tampons at people again?"

"Not this time."

"Marluxia's on a planting frenzy and is replacing all of the lamps with lilac bushes?"

"He was, but Saïx stopped him."

"Luxord's switched all of the lemonade in the castle with rum?" Roxas asked.

"Lexaeus wants to marry a goat." Axel sighed.

Roxas stared at Axel in disbelief. Sure, Lexaeus was insane, but he didn't know that it was that bad.

"Is he drunk?" Roxas asked. "Or stoned?"

"Completely sober." Axel shook his head.

"Are you sure?" Roxas arched his eyebrows. "I know Luxord's just gotten some new drugs. He could have slipped something into Lexaeus' morning cereal."

"I'm positive he's as sober as you and I." Axel assured him. "Sane? Maybe not."

"I would say not, seeing as he wants to marry a goat." Roxas said.

"Good point." Axel nodded.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Roxas sighed.

"It's Lexaeus, Roxas." Axel shrugged. "We really don't need to ask, do we?"

* * *

"Lex, I'm sure that we can find some sort of solution to this."

Roxas and Axel walked into the kitchen and found Xigbar trying to talk some sense into Lexaeus, who was holding a lamb close to his chest.

The Silent Hero was clearly ignoring everything that Xigbar was saying, despite the best attempts from the Free Shooter.

"Having any luck there, Xigbar?" Roxas asked. "And that's not a goat, Axel."

"He told me that he wanted to marry a goat." Axel squinted at Lexaeus, as if this would somehow help him understand the current problem. "What are you doing with the lamb, Lexaeus?"

"I'm going to marry him." Lexaues nodded.

"Lex, you can't marry a sheep." Xigbar said, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "And it's a female sheep, not a male one."

"Is that seriously what you're concerned about right now?" Roxas arched an eyebrow at Xigbar.

"But if I can't have Zexion, who am I meant to be with?" Lexaeus demanded, pulling the lamb closer to his chest.

"Certainly not a sheep, that's for sure." Axel retorted.

"Where the fuck did you even get a sheep in the first place, Lexaeus?" Xigbar wanted to know.

"I was on a mission in the Timeless River and I brought him back." Lexaeus said. "His name is Florence."

"Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else." Roxas rolled his eyes.

"I've already told you that the sheep is a girl, Lex." Xigbar told him.

"How about Maria?" Axel suggested as he walked over to the fridge and grabbed a can of beer.

"He's not keeping the sheep, Axel." Xigbar told the redhead.

"But how can I marry him if I can't keep him?" Lexaeus wondered.

"That's the point, Lexaeus." Roxas said. "You're not marrying the sheep."

"Yes, I am!" Lexaeus proclaimed.

"This is going to take a while." Xigbar sighed.

* * *

"I'm telling you that he's got to come back."

"What? No way! York's dead, remember?"

"York, Maine and the Dakotas are gone."

"Don't forget about Utah and Connecticut."

"Oh, and Wyoming, too."

"But we all thought Carolina was dead, but now she's back to life!"

To an untrained ear, this would no doubt sound like a weird form of _Hetalia_ where all of the states in America are personified, but this conversation makes perfect sense to fans of _Red Vs Blue_. Saïx, Marluxia and Zexion were discussing the popular web-show in the Lounge That Never Was Part XIV, though Zexion was trying to read a copy of _The Effects of Mercury Poisoning In Peacocks._

"Why exactly do you want York to come back, Marluxia?" Saïx asked, flipping his hair over his shoulder.

"Because York has to end up with Carolina." Marulxia insisted.

"And why's that?" Zexion turned a page of his book.

"Because they're obviously meant to end up together." Marluxia explained.

"You sound like such a hopeless romantic, you know." Saïx said. "Save that for when we have hearts to feel with."

"You're so cold, Saïx." Marluxia said.

"There's really no indication that Carolina was interested in York to begin with." Zexion said, continuing with the conversation. "Not that there was really any indication from him, for that matter."

"When Tex shot him during the training session, Carolina went straight to York and completely ignored Maine and Wyoming." Marluxia said. "And you remember the way they were talking to each other when York snuck out of the hospital when he got shot in the eye?"

"That doesn't necessarily mean anything." Saïx pointed out. "They were just trying to be secretive so the Director didn't hear what they were talking about."

"That's normally what it means to be secretive, yes." Zexion said, eyes on the book in front of him.

"Well, I still believe that this is a pointless conversation." Saïx said.

"Why don't you just go write some fanfiction about it, Marluxia?" Zexion suggested. "That's what Xion and Roxas do when they're upset about how a series turns out."

"Who'd want to read it, though?" Marluxia sighed.

"I'm sure Demyx could somehow make sense of it." Saïx said. "His mind is so messed up he can probably understand anything as long as there's no sense to it."

"Yeah, that sounds like Demyx." Zexion shook his head.

* * *

"I'm telling you, Superior, there's something wrong with number V."

Vexen stood before Xemnas in the ridiculously large Round Room, though Xemnas was probably literally miles above Vexen. The Chilly Academic had arranged for a meeting with the Superior to go over any budgets going towards his science projects (he was currently attempting to create the USS Enterprise from _Star Trek: The Original Series_) and decided he would mention the rather unusual behaviour of the Silent Hero.

"What do you mean, Vexen?" Xemnas asked in a manner that clearly suggested that he was trying to mimic the speech patterns of Oscar Wilde.

"Well, for one thing, Marluxia and Xion told me that he was trying to sky-dive from the living room." Vexen began.

"Xaldin's done that and no one's accused him of being odd." Xemnas said.

"Xigbar and Roxas said that he was trying to marry a goat." Vexen continued.

Xemnas stared at Vexen for a moment before saying, "Male or female?"

"Why is that everyone's first question?" Vexen questioned.

"Just a simple question." Xemnas shrugged.

"Well?" Vexen asked with just a hint of agitation in his voice. "Aren't you going to do something about it?"

"I guess I should." Xemnas sighed. "But there's meant to be an evil golf tournament in the Enchanted Dominion this weekend…"

"Superior, you are terrible at golf." Vexen said. "The tournament would only end in disaster."

"Not if I win!" Xemnas proclaimed happily.

Vexen smacked the palm of his hand to his forehead and said, "Just deal with Lexaeus, will you?"

"Maybe I should have Marluxia do something with him…" Xemnas mused. "He's been loafing around the castle lately…"

"But Axel and Roxas are already working with him, Superior." Vexen pointed out.

"Well, I'll just leave it to them, then." Xemnas said. "Now if you'll excuse me, Vexen, I need to go practice some golf before I leave."

And with that, Xemnas was surrounded by the portal of sandy blackness and vanished, leaving behind a rather confused Vexen.

* * *

It was rather odd to hear music from Broadway musicals in the halls of the Castle That Never Was, but it made sense when Marluxia was walking down the hallway. The Graceful Assassin was on a mission to hunt down Luxord and interrogate him about the missing vodka and whiskey and he wasn't going to let anyone stop him. He was singing one of his favourite songs from _Avenue Q _when his singing was interrupted by another song.

"_I never thought that you would be the one acting like a slut when I was gone…"_

Marluxia stopped in the middle of the hallway, his head spinning in different directions to determine where the pop song was coming from. The only Nobodies he knew that listened to pop music were Larxene and occasionally Xion. The only problem was that Larxene was watching _Lord of the Rings: Return of the King_ and Xion was on a mission in the Enchanted Dominion, so there was no reason why Kesha was playing in the Castle That Never Was.

"I wonder what's going on." Marluxia mused.

Deciding that it was probably Axel listening to the radio again, Marluxia continued on his quest for the undoubtedly drunken Luxord. When Marluxia was almost to the Kitchen, he realized that the voice singing the song belonged to Saïx, which was very strange indeed.

"Why the fuck is Saïx singing?" Marluxia rolled his eyes and walked into the Kitchen.

He got quite an interesting sight when he walked into the room. Saïx was standing on top of a purple and yellow stripped foldout card table and dancing quite provocatively on top of the table. This behaviour wouldn't be odd for Luxord, but Marulxia had to wonder why Saïx was acting so strangely.

"What's going on, Saïx?" Marluxia asked.

Saïx had apparently not heard Marluxia come into the room. He turned around and stared at the Graceful Assassin in confusion before he regained his composure and jumped off the card table and onto the ground.

"I was dancing." Saïx tried to come off as being nonchalant.

"And why were you dancing?" Marluxia wanted to know.

"Who's dancing?"

Vexen walked into the Kitchen carrying what appeared to be a dead shark floating in a jar of some strangely-coloured liquid. He plunked the jar down like it was nothing out of the ordinary and retreated into the pantry.

"Um, Vexen?" Even though he was the Chilly Academic's boyfriend, Marluxia had to say that he was a little disturbed by this. "What exactly is that?"

"It's a watermelon that I fused onto the head of a giraffe." The sarcasm was obvious in Vexen's voice from deep within the pantry.

"Seriously?" Saïx didn't catch the sarcasm.

"No, it's a shark, you nimrod." Vexen said as he emerged from the pantry with a bag of sour cream and onion-flavoured chips in hand and made for the fridge.

"Well, why do you have a shark in a jar?" Saïx asked.

"It's an experiment." Marluxia and Vexen said at the same time.

Saïx glanced towards Marluxia and said, "How do you know it's an experiment if you didn't know what it was?"

"You just sort of assume these things with Vexen." Marluxia shrugged.

"Don't let me interrupt your conversation." Vexen emerged from the fridge with a bag of carrot-chips.

"Oh?" Saïx arched an eyebrow, yellow eyes on Vexen.

"Carry on." Vexen set his food on a pink card-table and plopped down in a chair before he started munching on carrot-chips. "Far be it from me to interrupt you."

Saïx and Marluxia stared at Vexen in equal confusion, but resumed their conversation.

"So why were you dancing?" Marluxia asked the Luna Diviner.

"You were dancing?" Vexen asked through a mouthful of carrot-chips.

"Yes, he was." Marluxia said.

"Dancing to what?" Vexen wanted to know.

"Does it really matter?" Saïx asked.

"Was it Axel's music?" Vexen asked. "As long as it wasn't Blutengel or Nachtmahr, it's fine."

"Why would I listen to Axel's music?" Saïx arched an eyebrow.

"Who the hell knows with you?" Marluxia shrugged.

"No, I was listening to Kesha." Saïx told the scientist.

"Interesting…" Vexen said, sounding very much like a psychologist.

"Don't psycho-analyze me, Vexen." Saïx sighed and turned to Marluxia. "How in hell do you deal with him?"

"I wish I knew." Marluxia shrugged.

"So does it matter that Saïx was dancing?" Vexen asked the pink-haired neophyte.

"Not really." Marluxia shook his head. "I just found it odd."

"So then what was the interrogation about?" Saïx demanded.

"It wasn't an interrogation!" Marluxia exclaimed.

Vexen knew all too well where this was going. He picked up the chips (both potato and carrot) and walked out of the room. If Marluxia was denying whatever Saïx was saying, the end result wouldn't be pretty.

* * *

"Superior, something's wrong."

Xemnas looked up from the book he was reading (_Five-thousand Ways To Destroy Your Home)_ and saw Xigbar standing in front of him. The Free Shooter's good eye was on Xemnas and he had a serious expression on face, so Xemnas knew that something was wrong.

"What's happened this time?" Xemnas asked. "Has Xaldin opened that accursed hair salon again?"

"Lex wants to marry a sheep." Xigbar told him.

"Yeah, that's the second time I've heard that…" Xemnas mused. "And if you're telling me that, then I think something should probably done."

"And what are you going to do about it?" Xigbar asked.

"I'll talk to him." Xemnas responded.

"Good!" Xigbar exclaimed.

"Right after I finish this book." Xemnas returned to his book.

"No, you're going to go right now." Xemnas' eyes were on Xigbar, so the latter quickly responded with. "Superior."

"But I want to finish this book!" Xemnas whined.

"You may finish the book when Lexaeus is not having a mental crisis." Xigbar said.

"What have Roxas and Axel done with him?" Xemnas sighed with exasperation. "I know they were working on him."

"All they've done is manage to get him trapped on the roof." Xigbar said. "They had to get Demyx to make that water elevator thing that he does to get him down."

"I still want to know how he makes those…" Xemnas thought.

"Don't you think you should be worrying more about how to fix Lex and less about Demyx's water elevators?" Things had to be bad if Xigbar was the voice of reason.

"But my idea sounds more fun." Xemnas said.

"Okay, fine. Whatever." Xigbar threw up his arms and stomped away from the Superior. "Just don't come crying to me when Lexaeus wants you to marry the two of them."

* * *

"Lexaeus, we've got to talk, buddy."

Axel and Roxas had given up trying to talk to the Silent Hero by themselves, so they enlisted the help of Saïx and Demyx. I don't know why they'd bother bringing Demyx. It's not like he's a lot of help. At any rate, the four Nobodies found Lexaeus sleeping with the sheep in his room. Saïx found it odd that the sheep was on the bed, but considering how strange Lexaeus was being at the moment, this was nothing unusual.

"What if I don't want to talk?" Lexaeus pulled the lamb closer to his chest. "I want to talk to Florence alone."

"It's not like he's ever going to answer, Lex." Axel shrugged.

"Did we ever figure out if the sheep was female or not?" Demyx asked.

"It's a girl, Demyx." Roxas told him, not taking his eyes off of his DS.

"What are you playing this time?" Demyx asked.

"_The World Ends With You_." Roxas said.

"Again?" Demyx arched an eyebrow.

"Lexaeus, you need to get rid of this sheep." Saïx said, ignoring XIII and IX.

"But…" Lexaeus said slowly. "But I love him!"

"Zexion cannot be replaced with a sheep, Lex." Axel said. "It doesn't work that way."

"Hey, remember Roxas' cat?" Demyx asked suddenly.

"Rukia?" Roxas frowned. "What about her?"

"She's not going to be with Florence!" Lexaeus screamed.

Axel pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "No, I don't think that's it."

"Why don't we send the sheep wherever Rukia went?" Demyx asked.

"To Wonderland?" Saïx frowned. "That sounds like a good idea."

"Can I go live with him there?" Lexaeus asked hopefully.

"Lex, Florence is a sheep." Roxas told him. "You can't go and live with sheep."

"Yes, I can!" Lexaeus cried. "There was a movie about a baby who went and lived with gorillas!"

"This isn't _Tarzan_, Lexaeus." Saïx sighed. "You will stay here with the rest of the Organization and…"

"Florence." Lexaeus told the Luna Diviner.

"_Florence_…" Saïx said in a rather pained voice. "..will go live with Rukia in Wonderland."

"No!" Lexaeus started screaming as Saïx tried to take hold of the lamb. "You're not taking him!"

"Axel, can't you do something about him?" Saïx looked over to the Flurry of Dancing Flames. "Or Demyx. Demyx, can you use your water clones to restrain him?"

"It doesn't exactly work like that, Saïx." Demyx explained.

"Lex, you can go visit Florence whenever you want." Axel told the sobbing Nobody who was clinging to Saïx's leg like a Chihuahua. "Roxas always goes to visit Rukia after his missions."

"I never said that you couldn't visit him." Saïx said. "He just can't be in the Castle."

"Xaldin's been trying to eat him for quite some time." Demyx murmered to Axel.

"And Larxene has been trying to torture him, too." Axel responded.

"Them its settled." Saïx nodded. "We'll take the sheep to Wonderland."

Even though Saïx told Lexaeus he was allowed to visit his precious Florence, this did not stop the latter from wailing quite loudly when Xemnas packed the sheep into a crate so that he could be more easily transported. He kept crying throughout the night, only to be stopped at four in the morning when Larxene stormed into his room and somehow managed to throw him against the wall, rendering him unconscious.

**Yeah, I don't really like the ending, but I had to stop it somewhere. I know this is pretty bad, but I'm going to try to make the next one a bit better. Sorry about the bad spacing. I tried the copy and paste thing, but I don't think it turned out that well. Review, please? **

**Next chapter: This is why Xemnas shouldn't be allowed to listen to music.**


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